My Maid of Honor is 19, in college, and doesn't want to be "overly involved"? HELP!

32daisies

It's the etiquette board, so you have to hear the facts, and you have: your sister has no "MOH responsibilities", she has no jobs, she's 19 and has other priorities, and you have to understand no one else is as excited about your wedding as you are.

That doesn't mean I for one don't know how you feel. You *want* someone -- a girl someone -- to share the excitement with. There's nothing wrong with wanting that. And it's a let-down when the other person isn't. As a PP said, maybe your sister could have been a little nicer and not given you a "not overly involved" speech, and if she'd said it another way, you wouldn't be feeling as bad. That's possible. She's 19, after all -- it might have come out harsher than it was supposed to. Try to take a deep breath and not feel bad.

Personally, tradition is fine, but I think it's always better to ask the people you want, not the people you should. You already asked your sister, and she said yes. So she's your MOH, that's done. I don't actually think there would be anything wrong with asking your friend to be co-MOH as well, if you want her to be. But really: does the title matter?

I'm getting married in a few weeks and I have a Man of Honor, my dearest best friend. He's wonderful and supportive but, seriously, he doesn't know a durn thing about weddings and lives on the other side of the state. He'll stand there with me that day and I'm honored that he will, and that's terrific. Meanwhile, one of my BM has volunteered to help me with everything and anything -- I try not to take her up on the offer too often, because she's too nice! -- and has been a huge unsolicited help with lots of things. I'm hugely grateful to her, and I thank her all the time, and tell her how much it means to me to have her in the wedding party. You have a friend like that too, apparently, so just thank her, and be glad you have her in your life, not just in your wedding. In other words, I don't think it's about the titles, really. It's about people you love standing there with you that day, and all the rest of the days as your friends.

MrsLillyG

 

phira said:

@MrsLillyG I think the point that @Dreamergirl8812 is trying to make is:

If the point of being maid/matron of honor is that it is an honor, then there is no reason to "promote" someone else to be a co-maid/matron of honor. If the point of being maid/matron of honor is to have responsibilities and go dress shopping and organize pre-wedding parties, and show X amount of interest in the wedding, then it's not an honor anymore--it's a job.

What we're suggesting to the OP is that she shouldn't take away the honor from her sister and give it to someone else because it should be an honor. Not a job.

I get it, I just I don't think she wants to give her friend the honor over her sister because her sister cannot go dress shopping with her.   I think that since her friend is being really supportive about the biggest thing going on in her life and her sister is not that it is just reminding her that she should have picked her to have the higher honor in the first place.  

arrippa

MrsLillyG said:

 

phira said:

@MrsLillyG I think the point that @Dreamergirl8812 is trying to make is:

If the point of being maid/matron of honor is that it is an honor, then there is no reason to "promote" someone else to be a co-maid/matron of honor. If the point of being maid/matron of honor is to have responsibilities and go dress shopping and organize pre-wedding parties, and show X amount of interest in the wedding, then it's not an honor anymore--it's a job.

What we're suggesting to the OP is that she shouldn't take away the honor from her sister and give it to someone else because it should be an honor. Not a job.

I get it, I just I don't think she wants to give her friend the honor over her sister because her sister cannot go dress shopping with her.   I think that since her friend is being really supportive about the biggest thing going on in her life and her sister is not that it is just reminding her that she should have picked her to have the higher honor in the first place.  

Being a BM is an honor too. I really don't think she should "promote" the BM to MOH with sis just because she is being a good friend.

Pepper6

I was a freshman in college when my sister got married.  I was there on a scholarship that required I maintain a 3.5 GPA, I worked 25-30 hours a week to pay for food & books, and I had an extremely time consuming major.  I was excited for my sister, but there was no way I had time to be super involved in her wedding.  I would have been crushed if my sister 'demoted' me because I couldn't dedicate any time to helping her plan her wedding...

painterlt

I was a teenage maid of honor for my sis once...... I was pretty disinterested in the wedding process. I know that the day is special for you but honestly... it isn't on her radar. At that age she has so much going on that your wedding isn't a priority to her... which is a bummer for you. Since this was a traditional choice for you, make her the maid of honor in title only. She will get excited the day of the wedding just like I did for my sis.

manateehugger

painterlt said:

I was a teenage maid of honor for my sis once...... I was pretty disinterested in the wedding process. I know that the day is special for you but honestly... it isn't on her radar. At that age she has so much going on that your wedding isn't a priority to her... which is a bummer for you. Since this was a traditional choice for you, make her the maid of honor in title only. She will get excited the day of the wedding just like I did for my sis.

What does the bolded even mean? How would she be MOH in any other way?

painterlt

As in she does nothing other than stand up for her sister the day of the wedding. Since her definition of a MOH is someone who does everything for the wedding, she can then find another bm to do all of that other stuff.

manateehugger

painterlt said:

As in she does nothing other than stand up for her sister the day of the wedding. Since her definition of a MOH is someone who does everything for the wedding, she can then find another bm to do all of that other stuff.

Ummm - that's what all bridesmaids do. None of them do "all of that other stuff" unless they want to. 

Viczaesar

painterlt said:

As in she does nothing other than stand up for her sister the day of the wedding. Since her definition of a MOH is someone who does everything for the wedding, she can then find another bm to do all of that other stuff.

That's not what a MOH is.  Bad advice.  It's nobody's job to do "all of that other stuff."

painterlt

It is not advice, it was the poster's view of the MOH role. I agree that the bridal party should have optional roles in pre-wedding events, but apparently the poster's upset that she isn't owning up to her "responsibilities" as MOH. So if the MOH isn't doing it she should (politely) ask if another bm could help.

Viczaesar

painterlt said:

It is not advice, it was the poster's view of the MOH role. I agree that the bridal party should have optional roles in pre-wedding events, but apparently the poster's upset that she isn't owning up to her "responsibilities" as MOH. So if the MOH isn't doing it she should (politely) ask if another bm could help.

The poster's view of the MOH role is wrong. 

painterlt

I agree!