Open Bar Issues

newenglandgal0802

Hey everyone! My wedding is next summer and I am very lucky to have financial help from my father. While he is not paying for the entire reception he has said he will be "contributing significantly." He has yet to give my fiance and I an exact dollar amount to his contributions. Our venue is very expensive and we are looking at around a $15,000 reception for approx 150 guests with open bar. My father is being very insistent on open bar all night long he even wants to discuss putting bottles of alcohol (like vodka, whiskey) on the tables as well which to me seems redundant if there's already an open bar. My concern is both my fiance and I have members of our families with severe drinking problems and I am already concerned about open bar and these people. We all know what can happen with too much alcohol and short tempers. I have expressed these concerns to my father and he basically told me he's not going to stand for no open bar. I understand that even with a cash bar if someone wants to get drunk they will end of story, I guess I'm just wondering if anyone else has been concerned about this and how they eased their minds about it. I know that on my wedding day I will be so excited and happy that I probably wouldn't notice any drinking related outbursts however, I don't want to be embarrassed later by and stories or happenings that occur without my knowledge. In addition I just find the cost to be so outrageous and I was thinking more of beer and wine with a signature drink option to save money but again my father shot that down saying he is not having his daughter throw a reception without open bar. I know for certain he is not paying to cost for the whole reception and I am truly so appreciative he is contributing at all but would I be wrong to gently put my foot down and say something along the lines of if you're not paying for the whole thing then you need to work with us to save some money since we will be paying for the rest of the bill? I read all this etiquette on how to deal with financial contributions etc but when it comes down to Dad and Daughter I feel  I have a right to be a little more open and honest with him. Any advice?

HisGirlFriday13

Do NOT book a venue that you and your Fi cannot afford to host on your own. Search the boards; there are horrid stories from brides who had family members promise to help out financially, but who then backed out, leaving the B&G holding the bag for a very expensive reception with a guest list that included people they didn't want to invite.

You need to sit your father down and tell him, 'Dad, I appreciate your generosity, but I'm not comfortably making financial commitments to those reception without knowing what you're willing to contribute.'

To me, $15K seems like a lot -- but my entire wedding has come in right around $6K, so I might be off.

If the open bat is so important to your dad, let him host and pay for that, although I do agree with you that having bottles of hard liquor on the tables AND a full open bar is overkill. Also, if you have people with drinking problems, that's out temptation awfully close to them.

And under no circumstances should you host a cash bar in any form. Full open bar, hosted beer and wine, or dry are all acceptable.

cassandramarie01 said:

Hey everyone! My wedding is next summer and I am very lucky to have financial help from my father. While he is not paying for the entire reception he has said he will be "contributing significantly." He has yet to give my fiance and I an exact dollar amount to his contributions. Our venue is very expensive and we are looking at around a $15,000 reception for approx 150 guests with open bar. My father is being very insistent on open bar all night long he even wants to discuss putting bottles of alcohol (like vodka, whiskey) on the tables as well which to me seems redundant if there's already an open bar. My concern is both my fiance and I have members of our families with severe drinking problems and I am already concerned about open bar and these people. We all know what can happen with too much alcohol and short tempers. I have expressed these concerns to my father and he basically told me he's not going to stand for no open bar. I understand that even with a cash bar if someone wants to get drunk they will end of story, I guess I'm just wondering if anyone else has been concerned about this and how they eased their minds about it. I know that on my wedding day I will be so excited and happy that I probably wouldn't notice any drinking related outbursts however, I don't want to be embarrassed later by and stories or happenings that occur without my knowledge. In addition I just find the cost to be so outrageous and I was thinking more of beer and wine with a signature drink option to save money but again my father shot that down saying he is not having his daughter throw a reception without open bar. I know for certain he is not paying to cost for the whole reception and I am truly so appreciative he is contributing at all but would I be wrong to gently put my foot down and say something along the lines of if you're not paying for the whole thing then you need to work with us to save some money since we will be paying for the rest of the bill? I read all this etiquette on how to deal with financial contributions etc but when it comes down to Dad and Daughter I feel  I have a right to be a little more open and honest with him. Any advice?

southernbelle0915

cassandramarie01 said:

Hey everyone! My wedding is next summer and I am very lucky to have financial help from my father. While he is not paying for the entire reception he has said he will be "contributing significantly." He has yet to give my fiance and I an exact dollar amount to his contributions. Our venue is very expensive and we are looking at around a $15,000 reception for approx 150 guests with open bar. My father is being very insistent on open bar all night long he even wants to discuss putting bottles of alcohol (like vodka, whiskey) on the tables as well which to me seems redundant if there's already an open bar. My concern is both my fiance and I have members of our families with severe drinking problems and I am already concerned about open bar and these people. We all know what can happen with too much alcohol and short tempers. I have expressed these concerns to my father and he basically told me he's not going to stand for no open bar. I understand that even with a cash bar if someone wants to get drunk they will end of story, I guess I'm just wondering if anyone else has been concerned about this and how they eased their minds about it. I know that on my wedding day I will be so excited and happy that I probably wouldn't notice any drinking related outbursts however, I don't want to be embarrassed later by and stories or happenings that occur without my knowledge. In addition I just find the cost to be so outrageous and I was thinking more of beer and wine with a signature drink option to save money but again my father shot that down saying he is not having his daughter throw a reception without open bar. I know for certain he is not paying to cost for the whole reception and I am truly so appreciative he is contributing at all but would I be wrong to gently put my foot down and say something along the lines of if you're not paying for the whole thing then you need to work with us to save some money since we will be paying for the rest of the bill? I read all this etiquette on how to deal with financial contributions etc but when it comes down to Dad and Daughter I feel  I have a right to be a little more open and honest with him. Any advice?

Until your dad gives you the money, like it's in your bank account, it's wise to plan without it. Let him know you are uncomfortable planning to spend money that you do not have in your bank account. It's always a "this will never happen to me", but way too often, B&Gs plan based on promised money, something happens and all of a sudden, they find themselves unable to afford stuff, in debt, losing deposits, and/or canceling original plans. 

Anyway, IMO it's super tacky to put bottles of hard liquor out on tables. Wine - maybe. Vodka/whiskey - never. It reminds me of a college frat party with fifths sitting all over the place. Not classy. Especially if you have open bar. No... just no. 

If your dad is paying for the bar, he gets a say in it. If he wants open bar, then have an open bar. If you do not want open bar, suggest a limited bar - beer and wine, or beer/wine and a signature drink, only a couple of signature drinks, etc. Since he's not paying for the whole thing, you can absolutely negotiate with him to get what you're ok with. If he will not compromise and you aren't comfortable, decline his money and host things yourself.

You simply can't police the people in your family who have alcohol problems. Presumably they're adults and will make their own choices. Even if you had a dry wedding, someone with a severe problem might bring in a flask. It's just not something you can control, so just let it go. If you're concerned about outbursts, hire a security guard and kick them out if they're making a scene. That's about all you can do.

newenglandgal0802

Yes I agree with no cash bar as well which is why I had suggested to my father the open beer and wine with a signature cocktail. I love that idea. My fiance and I can afford our venue and it has very special significance to us as we used to go sledding their as children and it's across from the lake where we met so I am willing to pay for it since it is so special to us. However, I think if we can cut costs by say doing the beer/wine route then we should since it is only one day and I can't justify in my head the cost of full open bar. I have read a lot of things about how if your family is contributing you can't turn down their opinions/ideas which is why I feel stuck. I appreciate you saying I should sit down and say exactly what you posted. Like I said I am so grateful he is helping us but I just feel he isn't respecting our wishes/budget. I also wanted to explore doing an alternative meal like bbq food with sides of mashed potatoes,macncheese, greenbeans, etc rather than the traditional steak, chicken or fish meal options and he shot that down as well and was really mean to me about it saying it's rude/tacky. I don't feel that way at all first of all that's the food that represents me and my fiance and our style and second it fits in with our rustic/country wedding theme. I feel like my Dad is trying to take over and turn our wedding into this big extravangant show that is fancy and to show off to all our friends/family and I just want a down to earth wedding that's all about love. My Dad is just being really rude about all my ideas and it's starting to get me down and I'm losing my excitement towards the planning, etc.

Maggie0829

cassandramarie01 said:

Yes I agree with no cash bar as well which is why I had suggested to my father the open beer and wine with a signature cocktail. I love that idea. My fiance and I can afford our venue and it has very special significance to us as we used to go sledding their as children and it's across from the lake where we met so I am willing to pay for it since it is so special to us. However, I think if we can cut costs by say doing the beer/wine route then we should since it is only one day and I can't justify in my head the cost of full open bar. I have read a lot of things about how if your family is contributing you can't turn down their opinions/ideas which is why I feel stuck. I appreciate you saying I should sit down and say exactly what you posted. Like I said I am so grateful he is helping us but I just feel he isn't respecting our wishes/budget. I also wanted to explore doing an alternative meal like bbq food with sides of mashed potatoes,macncheese, greenbeans, etc rather than the traditional steak, chicken or fish meal options and he shot that down as well and was really mean to me about it saying it's rude/tacky. I don't feel that way at all first of all that's the food that represents me and my fiance and our style and second it fits in with our rustic/country wedding theme. I feel like my Dad is trying to take over and turn our wedding into this big extravangant show that is fancy and to show off to all our friends/family and I just want a down to earth wedding that's all about love. My Dad is just being really rude about all my ideas and it's starting to get me down and I'm losing my excitement towards the planning, etc.

I would suggest turning down any money he is willing to provide.  From the items bolded it sounds like if you do accept his contribution you will have to really give up a lot of things that you and your FI want for your wedding.  It also sounds like the planning would just be horrendous and you and your father will constantly be butting heads.

The only thing that you can do if you do accept his money, is to make sure you designate that his money is going to the DJ, florist and paying for the officiant (or something like that).  That way he will know that those are the items he can have the say in, nothing more and nothing less.

southernbelle0915

cassandramarie01 said:

Yes I agree with no cash bar as well which is why I had suggested to my father the open beer and wine with a signature cocktail. I love that idea. My fiance and I can afford our venue and it has very special significance to us as we used to go sledding their as children and it's across from the lake where we met so I am willing to pay for it since it is so special to us. However, I think if we can cut costs by say doing the beer/wine route then we should since it is only one day and I can't justify in my head the cost of full open bar. I have read a lot of things about how if your family is contributing you can't turn down their opinions/ideas which is why I feel stuck. He's not paying for the whole thing, so since you are splitting the cost, you both need to compromise. I appreciate you saying I should sit down and say exactly what you posted. Like I said I am so grateful he is helping us but I just feel he isn't respecting our wishes/budget. I also wanted to explore doing an alternative meal like bbq food with sides of mashed potatoes,macncheese, greenbeans, etc rather than the traditional steak, chicken or fish meal options and he shot that down as well and was really mean to me about it saying it's rude/tacky. Sorry to hear he was rude about it - that sounds delicious to me! I don't feel that way at all first of all that's the food that represents me and my fiance and our style and second it fits in with our rustic/country wedding theme. I feel like my Dad is trying to take over and turn our wedding into this big extravangant show that is fancy and to show off to all our friends/family and I just want a down to earth wedding that's all about love. My Dad is just being really rude about all my ideas and it's starting to get me down and I'm losing my excitement towards the planning, etc.

For your situation, I would do this - Let your dad pick up the whole bar tab. Then you and your FI pick up the whole food tab. If he's not contributing to the food, he has NO say in what you serve. 

It sounds like he probably thinks he gets a say in everything since he's giving you a lump sum. Silo what he pays for so he ONLY has a say in those aspects. Let him pay for the bar, flowers, and venue (for example). And you pick up the rest. He only gets a say in those aspects and has absolutely no say in anything else. The conversation can go like this, "Dad, we are so appreciative of you offering to contribute to the wedding. We could use help with the bar, our flowers, the venue rental, and the cake. We will cover the rest ourselves. Would you be happy helping with those items? Great."

annathy03

I think what you're mentally planning- BBQ food and wine/beer sounds fantastic.  If you and your FI can afford to do that I might just turn down your father's offer to help financially.

If you want to accept your fathers offer I'd let him pay for the bar as @southernbelle0915 mentioned, but no way would I stand for open liquor bottles on the tables b/c 1) it is tacky to have liquor on the tables, and more importantly 2) you mention some guests may drink too much, and keeping it behind the bar makes it the bartenders responsibility to cut people off.

chelcee22

I would definitely get an exact dollar amount from your Dad before booking anything. I also agree with the other posters that 1) a cash bar is tacky and an absolute no-no, and 2) having beer, wine and signature drink options is a great alternative. We are having an open bar and have some very rowdy family members as well, but our venue actually requires a security gaurd, so I'm confident that nothing will get too crazy.

kmmssg

I think your original plan with the BBQ sounds awesome!  My first thought regarding your dad's wishes for open bottles on guest tables - will your venue even allow that?  I'd start there with a phone call just to put that to rest.

As a MOB, I think you need to sit Dad down and discuss this frankly.  Thank him for his overwhelming generosity, but let him know that you are not turning this into some impressive party he can show off with.  Your plans for your guests are very gracious.  Tell him you are doing the wine/beer/BBQ thing and if he would like to contribute, great!  If not, you understand and have no hard feelings.  I seriously think you are going to regret taking his money as it sounds like he is going to be demanding and holding a lot of purse strings.

newenglandgal0802

Thanks everyone! I'm feeling much better now that my ideas aren't far out there and that doing the BBQ type food is fine. I still plan on having the food served in a sit down dinner type fashion I just wanted to serve the type of food we like and we will still have apps during cocktail hour and desserts etc. My father and I just have very different styles (he's a city man big into new cars, fancy electronics, nice dinners etc) and I live in a small town with my fiance with cows across the street and it's 20 minutes to the grocery store so I think just getting our 2 styles to sync is the real issue. I think I am going to take everyone's advice and nicely and honestly talk to him about his contribution and the wedding style and hopefully he will be open and understanding. If not then I will just decline his monetary contributions. It won't be worth the hassle down the road which you have all pointed out. Thanks for the help ladies!

NYCMercedes

You can tell him that having bottles of booze on the tables is as tacky as having bottles of salad dressing on the tables.

newenglandgal0802

NYCMercedes said:

You can tell him that having bottles of booze on the tables is as tacky as having bottles of salad dressing on the tables.

LOL! My thoughts exactly! He said he went to a wedding where they did this and blah blah blah. I've heard/seen bottles of wine on tables at weddings but bottles of liquor - no just no. The good news is my step mom texted me this afternoon to tell me show loves my BBQ meal idea and that my Dad is just being grumpy and not to worry. At least she's on my side!

manateehugger

BBQ wedding sounds with beer/wine sounds like a great time! I will say though - make sure you have a vegetarian option. 

Bottle of hard liquor on the table also sounds like a frat party. Might as well have red solo cups sitting in stacks while you're at it!

Good luck! Glad your mom's on your side. 

jerieck0109

We are doing beer, wine, and call drinks but setting a limit of $1500.  After that we are going to have the bartenders let us know then decide if we want to add more to the bar budget or not.  We have several friends who LOVE to drink and an open bar could end up being outrageous!  We have spent a lot on the wedding and do not want to come across as cheap but I also do not want to spend $5000+ on alcohol.

JoanE2012

jerieck0109 said:

We are doing beer, wine, and call drinks but setting a limit of $1500.  After that we are going to have the bartenders let us know then decide if we want to add more to the bar budget or not.  We have several friends who LOVE to drink and an open bar could end up being outrageous!  We have spent a lot on the wedding and do not want to come across as cheap but I also do not want to spend $5000+ on alcohol.

This is awful.  Host what you can afford the entire night.  Don't tease people with an open bar then close it (or turn it to a cash bar) partway through the event.

SP29

Cassandramarie- I agree with the other posters- if you are going to accept your dads money, make sure both of you have clear expectations of what is being paid for. If he is going to pay for the bar, then have the open bar (but don't put bottles on the table- 1) that's what the bar is for and 2) tacky! as you know). Cover the food portion yourself and choose the meal you'd like. 

Good luck!

Jerieck- Don't do the limited bar. That would be very unfair to your guests to offer something free for one part of the night, then take it away. What if guest A does 5 shots in the first hour, but guest B who is moderately drinking has a glass of something then waits another hour or two before going and getting a second to find out the bar is now cash? What if they didn't bring cash? (As most don't, and shouldn't). 

Talk to your venue about bar options. Sounds like you are doing a consumption bar, which can be cheaper if your guests don't drink a lot, but if they do, you're likely better off paying a base fee for everyone to have an open bar. Or, have the open bar but beer and wine only. 

At my venue, the cost of the open bar is factored into the cost per plate. If I remember correctly, it's an extra $15 per person and everyone gets the open bar. So for 100 guests (approximately how many guests we will have) that's your $1500 and everyone gets the full open bar, all night. 

deannagirly

Do you not want an open bar because of the issues that run in your family? Or because of the cost? If it is the issues, then I would slyly bring it up to him and tell him that you would like to limit the alcohol to beer, wine, and a signature cocktail to try to prevent issues from arising on the big day, since you really just want people to enjoy themselves.

 

If it is the cost that is detouring you, then you should compromise. If you are working with other people who are contributing to your wedding, you have to see what is important to them. If your mother thought food was really important, put her contributions to make sure you had out of the world catering. If your dad says the open bar is important to him, then put his money forward such. If he is willing to pay for all the alcohol, then allow him to do so.

 

Although I do feel the open bar & other bottles on the tables is a little overkill.