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Re: ?

  • msuprincess04msuprincess04 member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    edited October 2013

    We generally try to persuade people not to give friends/family fake titles. And that list of "duties" is kind of ridiculous. A friend who wants to be involved in the wedding and wants to be there to listen to you complain about the wedding will volunteer to do so, even without a title.

    If you want to do something special for them, give them a reading to do, or a flower, or just a special, handwritten note about how awesome they are. This will go a million times farther then some made-up name.

    "There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." -Friedrich Nietzsche, "On Reading and Writing"
    doeydoBlue_BirdPrettyGirlLost
  • Well, it would appear that "TheKnot" doesn't have the same "keep it positive" policy that WeddingWire does. Please remember, it's not what you say, but the way that you say it. I don't mind constructive criticism, but please keep it positive.
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers

    Okay, so my fiance' and I are getting married in a very small spot and are keeping our ceremony intimate. There really isn't enough room for us to have a wedding party, plus we have always said we wanted to keep the ceremony focus on us. We both have very close friends that we want to include in the ceremony somehow. I found a neat idea for something called Non-Bridesmaids at this site:http://apracticalwedding.com/2009/02/wedding-party-alternatives-non/. Has anyone had experience with this before? How would people take it? I love the idea, but don't want to offend anyone. Thanks!
    Just, no.

    Inviting your friends to your wedding is just as much of an honor as anything else.  A "non-bridesmaid" sounds ridiculous.

    I also don't get that you want the ceremony focused solely on you and your FI but you still want your friends involved into the ceremony.  Which one is it?

    doeydoBlue_BirdPrettyGirlLostaurorajanette
  • I would agree that it is a second-rate title if there were BM & NBM. But there aren't. Logistically speaking, it is going to be hard to fit a wedding party up there with us anyway. I guess this was a silly idea. Oh well.
  • doeydodoeydo Southwestern Ontario member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    Why not just give them a corsage or bouquet or something to honour them, without this silly title?  As for them doing these "duties" listed on the website, that is not what a bridesmaid is for in the first place.  If you have a friend who will listen to you and help you with your wedding, great.  If she doesn't want to, then you can't force her to do anything.  A bridesmaid/non-bridesmaid is not a chance for the bride to have a slave or a wet-nurse all through the engagement.
    image
    Blue_BirdPrettyGirlLosterinlin25
  • msuprincess04msuprincess04 member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    edited October 2013

    And it's totally ok to not have a bridal party, for whatever reason you want. The point is, your friends will be involved if they want to, and assigning them a title and duties doesn't make them want to be anymore involved and really doesn't make them any more special. There's nothing to say you can't ask your friends to go shopping with you, or look at flowers, or whatever. The point is not to be upset if they say no and that goes for friends or bridal party members. Something personal and hearfelt goes alot farther than public reconition.

    "There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." -Friedrich Nietzsche, "On Reading and Writing"
    doeydo
  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes BOS, NYC, DC. Forever a city girl member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited October 2013
    I'd be offended if you asked me to throw you a shower or asked me to share my expertise. Not that I wouldn't offer, but I'd be offended you'd ask.drinking mimosas, however, well, I'd bring the champagne.
    Blue_BirdPrettyGirlLost
  • I'm sorry. I should have explained that I changed the card a little. I completely omitted the line about throwing a shower, because I didn't want them to feel obligated. I guess I thought I would be doing my friends a favor by not asking them to spend the money on hair/makeup/dress/etc. But, it seems I may have offended them. I have already sent the cards out and they all seemed excited. But, it could have been an act. Okay ladies, put yourselves in their shoes. What if you had already received these "invitations" from the bride, but now the bride comes to you and explains she had good intentions, but went about it the wrong way and asks you to be full-on BM with hair/makeup/everything. Would you be relieved that she came around or confused about what she really wanted or what?
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I'm sorry. I should have explained that I changed the card a little. I completely omitted the line about throwing a shower, because I didn't want them to feel obligated. I guess I thought I would be doing my friends a favor by not asking them to spend the money on hair/makeup/dress/etc. But, it seems I may have offended them. I have already sent the cards out and they all seemed excited. But, it could have been an act. Okay ladies, put yourselves in their shoes. What if you had already received these "invitations" from the bride, but now the bride comes to you and explains she had good intentions, but went about it the wrong way and asks you to be full-on BM with hair/makeup/everything. Would you be relieved that she came around or confused about what she really wanted or what?
    So you already asked them to be non-BMs?  Then why even ask what we thought?

    I really just don't get this.  If you didn't want to have BMs then why even go the non-BM route? I get that these people are special to you but why not just have invited them to the wedding and be done with it?

    Honestly, if I got a card asking me to be a non-bridesmaid with a list of duties I would have laughed and rolled my eyes.  I, of course, would have put on a happy face and told you that I was excited but on the inside I would have thought it was ridiculous.

    Since you already sent the cards then just leave it as is.  There is not point going back and asking them to be bridesmaids when that really isn't what you wanted in the first place.

    Also, the whole, doing them a favor excuse is dumb.  Adults can decide for themselves if they want to take on the potential cost of being a BM or not when asked.

    KeptInStitchesBlue_BirdPrettyGirlLostaurorajanette
  • I kind of had this. We had a traditional Quaker wedding with no bridal party, but I asked my best friend to be my "Awesome Bride's-Lady." She helped me with some wedding crafts, planned my bachelorette tea, and got ready with me on the day of the wedding. I should be clear that she offered to do all these things, and I thanked her profusely for her help. 

    Also, she read our Quaker marriage certificate during the ceremony, which is a great honor. Other ways to incorporate people into your wedding are to have them do readings.

    We both loved the unofficial bridesmaid role because I had her support and got to show my love for her, but she got to pick her own clothes and makeup and do her own thing most of the time. It was just much less stressful for both of us. You know your friends better than we do and have an idea whether this is something they'd be happy about or feel slighted by.
  • Emmyg: Thanks for your comment. I'm glad someone on this website has something positive to say.

    I posted the exact same question on WeddingWire and got back nothing but positive responses and good, constructive criticism. All you all have done is make me feel like a complete idiot and that my friends hate me. I mean, "Also, the whole, doing them a favor excuse is dumb." Really? Most of my friends are college students who can barely afford textbooks. So, no, I DON'T think that saving them money on a dress/hair/makeup is DUMB. I think it's smart and appreciated. So keep your petty insults off of my discussion.
  • doeydodoeydo Southwestern Ontario member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    Emmyg: Thanks for your comment. I'm glad someone on this website has something positive to say.

    I posted the exact same question on WeddingWire and got back nothing but positive responses and good, constructive criticism. All you all have done is make me feel like a complete idiot and that my friends hate me. I mean, "Also, the whole, doing them a favor excuse is dumb." Really? Most of my friends are college students who can barely afford textbooks. So, no, I DON'T think that saving them money on a dress/hair/makeup is DUMB. I think it's smart and appreciated. So keep your petty insults off of my discussion.
    If your only thought was to save them money, you could have asked them to be BMs and just say "Could you guys wear green?  I don't have a specific dress in mind you all have to buy" and not have them spend money on hair etc.  That way, they wear what they already own.
    image
    KeptInStitchesPrettyGirlLostaurorajanette
  • @doeydo: That's what I am going to do. I am going to talk to the girls and explain I meant well but what I did, but feel as though I may have offended them. I'm going to tell them I want to give them the full honor they deserve of being my BM and make sure they are okay with it. 

  • There's nothing wrong with talking to them, but don't assume they're offended or not happy with your initial card, or that you have to totally change your initial idea. Even if you do decide to call them bridesmaids, they don't have to match, or walk in with you, or stand up with you. Just listen to them and come up with something that you're all happy with. You might have been right in the first place!
  • I don't want any "validation". I wanted constructive criticism. Any posts with "dumb," "fucked up," etc. in them are anything but that. I didn't want everyone to rave that the nonBM idea was good. If everyone agreed then we would not have the need for this forum. I got a lot of constructive feedback that I value. It's responses in which people go out of their way to make me feel stupid that I don't appreciate. Sidenote: I posted to both sites to get as much feedback as possible, not for any other reason.
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I don't want any "validation". I wanted constructive criticism. Any posts with "dumb," "fucked up," etc. in them are anything but that. I didn't want everyone to rave that the nonBM idea was good. If everyone agreed then we would not have the need for this forum. I got a lot of constructive feedback that I value. It's responses in which people go out of their way to make me feel stupid that I don't appreciate. Sidenote: I posted to both sites to get as much feedback as possible, not for any other reason.
    What I still don't understand is why did you even ask about this after you had already gone and done it?  Wouldn't it have made more sense to ask for feedback BEFORE you sent out the cards?

    It is always easier to fix things before you do them then after.

    PrettyGirlLost
  • tammym1001tammym1001 Akron, Ohio member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    @doeydo: That's what I am going to do. I am going to talk to the girls and explain I meant well but what I did, but feel as though I may have offended them. I'm going to tell them I want to give them the full honor they deserve of being my BM and make sure they are okay with it. 

    But I thought you said that you can't have BM's at your venue because there isn't room?????

    image
    PrettyGirlLost
  • I don't believe there will be room to stand once we get the chairs there. If there isn't, I am going to have them walk in as usual, but sit on the front row.
  • doeydodoeydo Southwestern Ontario member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    edited October 2013
    There's nothing wrong with having your BMs sit down during the ceremony.  Personally, I'd prefer it actually because my back can bug me if I have to stand still for a while.  Edit to remove a second "a"
    image
    PrettyGirlLostmelbelleup
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    IMO, I'd be offended if someone asked me to be a non-bridesmaid. I'm only having a MOH and my FI is only have a BM. We've decided this for many reason. My closest friends are all aware. And they all understand. No one is offended or hurt. 
    I'm not sure why you did this and then posted on WW and here. What exactly were you looking for? 

    PrettyGirlLost
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Emmyg: Thanks for your comment. I'm glad someone on this website has something positive to say.

    I posted the exact same question on WeddingWire and got back nothing but positive responses and good, constructive criticism. All you all have done is make me feel like a complete idiot and that my friends hate me. I mean, "Also, the whole, doing them a favor excuse is dumb." Really? Most of my friends are college students who can barely afford textbooks. So, no, I DON'T think that saving them money on a dress/hair/makeup is DUMB. I think it's smart and appreciated. So keep your petty insults off of my discussion.
    They wouldn't have been obligated to spend money on hair or make up even if they were bridesmaids, and you would have had to have asked each of them privately what their budget for a dress was and gone with the lowest amount, so yes, saying that you're saving them money is a dumb excuse.



    KeptInStitchesdoeydoPrettyGirlLost
  • I don't want any "validation". I wanted constructive criticism. Any posts with "dumb," "fucked up," etc. in them are anything but that. I didn't want everyone to rave that the nonBM idea was good. If everyone agreed then we would not have the need for this forum. I got a lot of constructive feedback that I value. It's responses in which people go out of their way to make me feel stupid that I don't appreciate. Sidenote: I posted to both sites to get as much feedback as possible, not for any other reason.
    OP you asked for constructive critisicm... you received it!  Just because you did not like their answer does not mean they were negative.  Would you rather people just say "OMG, what a great idea."  You asked a question, you got mixed answers, which is the point of community boards.  Some people may be OK being a "non bridesmaid,"  but many will not, and the responses reflected that.  A non-bridesmaid is a guest-- a person invited to a wedding who can attend (and host) a pre-wedding party.  It is fine that you chose not to have a wedding party, but these "non-bridesmaids" can still be a guest, get ready with you if you would like them to and even host a party if they would like.  No need for silly made up title. 
    image

    Anniversary
  • I thought the original post on a practical wedding was kind of tongue in cheek. It's not a serious made up title in addition to bridesmaids, but it is kind of an obnoxiously blatant "eff you" to the wedding industrial complex. It's like saying "these are all the things the WIC says a bridesmaid is supposed to do, but I'm not going to make you do them. So I'll give you a non-title and you can do them only if you want to." Which is really all that a bridesmaid is supposed to be. I don't hate the post in that regard (especially since it's in place of and not in addition to real bridesmaids), but it's kind of pointless. Especially sending out formal invites to have a non-title.
    Anniversary
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