Not sure how to react

msdidonato

First off, I am hoping that this bride is not on this. But if she is and reads this, so be it. 

I have a friend from college who I was pretty close with. She got engaged a year ago and waited a year to even pick a date. They chose May 30th 2014. I was asked to be a bridesmaids. I agreed. 

Several weeks after she asked me to be in her wedding, My now fiance proposed (In August 2013). We wanted a spring wedding (for several factors) and didn't want to wait till 2015 so we chose April or May 2014.  After taking different things into consideration we decided on May 18th 2014. 

I did not ask her to be a bridesmaid for several reason, one being that knowing her wedding was 2 weeks later, that it would be a really busy time for her.  I had planned on going to all her events (bridal parties etc even though the wedding is out of the state AND she lived out of the state at the time), and had even e-mailed her MOH about things I could help do and started a cute little pinterest book for her. 

Once I told this bride about my wedding date, she was upset. She ended up telling me that  "because it feels like you don't really care about me or my wedding at all.  And yes, in your words, you are stealing my thunder, and it kind of feels like it's on purpose.  I just don't feel like planning a wedding for less than 2 weeks before mine is something someone that is supposed to be a good friend of mine would do.  I would understand if there was some reason that you absolutely had to do it as quickly as possible, but it didn't seem like that was the case.  Like I said in our previous conversation, if the situation were reversed you know that someone doing this to you would upset you too.  The weeks and days leading up to your wedding are usually the most stressful and I would like to have to ability to put all my extra energy into my own wedding not someone else's and I want you to have the same ability."

I am not sure what I should do. I told her to call me when she got a chance, and she never has. Should I just leave it be? or try and mend the friendship?  

katieg520

I personally would leave it be. Maybe she will come around when she sees the world does not revolve around her.

KeptInStitches

Depends. Do you want to work on the friendship? Really, each of you get one day, and you've recognized that. I think the ball might have to be in your court - can you arrange to go out for coffee with her? Extending the olive branch might help, so to speak.

msdidonato

KeptInStitches said:

Depends. Do you want to work on the friendship? Really, each of you get one day, and you've recognized that. I think the ball might have to be in your court - can you arrange to go out for coffee with her? Extending the olive branch might help, so to speak.

She lives a couple hours away. I honestly don't know if its worth it to work on the friendship at this point. I asked her to call me regarding the situation and she hasn't. I feel like I am not sure I want to be friends with someone who thinks that low of me and makes such a hasty decision. I probably should have put that she also kicked me out of her bridal party.  She stated that her and her fiance would think it would be better that I attend as a guest rather than be in the party. 

carissaroberts

I totally understand both situations. I don't think you did this in anyway to sabotage her wedding. But she does make a point about the "days leading up" to the wedding. It's going to be hard focusing on someone else's wedding with yours being two days later. Especially with guests coming in town and rehearsal dinners, yadada. In that sense, if yall shared alot of the same guests, it would be difficult. At the same time, the world does not revolve around her and that date. The fact is, when someone is getting married chances are there are 1000 other couples getting married that same day too. (Ok maybe 1000 is extreme but you know what I mean...)
It's a little silly of her to be taking it this way - doesn't sound like a good friend to badger you about when you choose to do the wedding. But at the same time..is there really no other good time to have it besides 2 days after hers? 

NYCMercedes

carissaroberts said:

I totally understand both situations. I don't think you did this in anyway to sabotage her wedding. But she does make a point about the "days leading up" to the wedding. It's going to be hard focusing on someone else's wedding with yours being two days later. Especially with guests coming in town and rehearsal dinners, yadada. In that sense, if yall shared alot of the same guests, it would be difficult. At the same time, the world does not revolve around her and that date. The fact is, when someone is getting married chances are there are 1000 other couples getting married that same day too. (Ok maybe 1000 is extreme but you know what I mean...)
It's a little silly of her to be taking it this way - doesn't sound like a good friend to badger you about when you choose to do the wedding. But at the same time..is there really no other good time to have it besides 2 days after hers? 

Twelve days before, as in almost two weeks, Carissaroberts. Msdidonato, her rant and kicking you out is unacceptable, IMHO. You asking her to call you, however, is rude, IMHO. If you wanted to talk it out, you could have called her. Do that if you want to maintain a cordial relationship.

msdds51

I have a friend or two who got mad at other couples who got engaged/married around the same time that they did.  I think they are insane!  I don't know if there is anything you can do.  Sometimes people go off the deep end and they need to find their own way back to sanity.  There's really nothing else you can say.  You didn't do it to hurt her, but that's the date you needed to pick.  If she values this friendship she'll stop being Bat Sh** Cray.  If not, she's not worth worrying about.

msdidonato

NYCmercedes:  The reason that I asked her to call me was because I had tried to start a conversation with her via text, and call her prior to her sending the e-mail. She had completely ignored me several times. So I sent her a text saying that I was worried that she was okay because it wasn't like her as a friend to ignore me for days at a time. I told her that I knew she was busy (She had just moved and started a new job) and I understood that, I was just making sure she was okay. 

She then responded by saying that "I am fine, just been busy" So I said "Okay cool, well let me know if you need me to do anything for the wedding!! I am excited for it"... then she sent me an email explaining all those things. 

I wrote her back saying " I have written and earsed many things in this e-mail. When you get a chance, can you please call me regarding this. I feel as though our friendship deserves more than an email exchange over something this important" 

I don't feel like I was being rude. I had reached out several times before the e-mail and she was mad at me. So, I don't feel like asking her to call and talk about it is wrong. I feel like talking on the phone is more personal than an e-mail for someone I considered a good friend. 

msdidonato

carissaroberts said:

I totally understand both situations. I don't think you did this in anyway to sabotage her wedding. But she does make a point about the "days leading up" to the wedding. It's going to be hard focusing on someone else's wedding with yours being two days later. Especially with guests coming in town and rehearsal dinners, yadada. In that sense, if yall shared alot of the same guests, it would be difficult. At the same time, the world does not revolve around her and that date. The fact is, when someone is getting married chances are there are 1000 other couples getting married that same day too. (Ok maybe 1000 is extreme but you know what I mean...)
It's a little silly of her to be taking it this way - doesn't sound like a good friend to badger you about when you choose to do the wedding. But at the same time..is there really no other good time to have it besides 2 days after hers? 

It is 2 weekends prior to her wedding. We have one mutual friend that would be attending both weddings. I originally wanted my wedding in April. But there were several factors closer to home besides her wedding that played a factor into choosing our date. 

southernbelle0915

I would give her some time to cool off. Yes, I would follow up with her after that and have an open dialogue. I'd probably say something like:

"I'm very sorry that you feel this way. It is certainly not my intention to hurt you or take any attention away from you. You're a dear friend and my intention is to keep it that way. FI and I wanted a Spring wedding but didn't want to wait until 2015. Unfortunately, things booked up and because of several factors this was the only available date. I hope you understand that I support you 100% and I'd love to have the same from you. Instead of making this a negative thing between us, let's bounce ideas off each other and be each others' sounding board."

thisismynickname2

Ditto Southernbelle!!   I was a bridesmaid in a wedding that was three weeks before the bride's MOH's own wedding. It's entirely doable provided both have the right attitude. I think they actually really enjoyed doing all the bridey-bride stuff together, in fact.  

That being said, my older sister always told me under no circumstance could I get married before her, and I also wasn't allowed to get married near her date in October.  She's celebrating her 4 year anniversary this month and I'll be married next September, so that's a crisis averted.

Some people, ya know?

msdidonato

I agree thisismynickname. I was hoping it would be a fun time for the two of us!! To plan our weddings and bounce ideas off each other. But since she apparently wants nothing to do with me now. I doubt that we will be attending each others wedding. She mentioned that she wouldn't able to attend mine for finance reason (perfectly understandable. Not mad at all). But then she asked me to not be in hers. That really upsets me because I didn't do anything wrong and I was truly excited to be in her wedding.

msdidonato

I agree thisismynickname. I was hoping it would be a fun time for the two of us!! To plan our weddings and bounce ideas off each other. But since she apparently wants nothing to do with me now. I doubt that we will be attending each others wedding. She mentioned that she wouldn't able to attend mine for finance reason (perfectly understandable. Not mad at all). But then she asked me to not be in hers. That really upsets me because I didn't do anything wrong and I was truly excited to be in her wedding.

NYCMercedes

msdidonato said:

NYCmercedes:  The reason that I asked her to call me was because I had tried to start a conversation with her via text, and call her prior to her sending the e-mail. She had completely ignored me several times. So I sent her a text saying that I was worried that she was okay because it wasn't like her as a friend to ignore me for days at a time. I told her that I knew she was busy (She had just moved and started a new job) and I understood that, I was just making sure she was okay. 

She then responded by saying that "I am fine, just been busy" So I said "Okay cool, well let me know if you need me to do anything for the wedding!! I am excited for it"... then she sent me an email explaining all those things. 

I wrote her back saying " I have written and earsed many things in this e-mail. When you get a chance, can you please call me regarding this. I feel as though our friendship deserves more than an email exchange over something this important" 

I don't feel like I was being rude. I had reached out several times before the e-mail and she was mad at me. So, I don't feel like asking her to call and talk about it is wrong. I feel like talking on the phone is more personal than an e-mail for someone I considered a good friend. 

OK. Good luck.

grumbledore

carissaroberts said:

I totally understand both situations. I don't think you did this in anyway to sabotage her wedding. But she does make a point about the "days leading up" to the wedding. It's going to be hard focusing on someone else's wedding with yours being two days later. Especially with guests coming in town and rehearsal dinners, yadada. In that sense, if yall shared alot of the same guests, it would be difficult. At the same time, the world does not revolve around her and that date. The fact is, when someone is getting married chances are there are 1000 other couples getting married that same day too. (Ok maybe 1000 is extreme but you know what I mean...)
It's a little silly of her to be taking it this way - doesn't sound like a good friend to badger you about when you choose to do the wedding. But at the same time..is there really no other good time to have it besides 2 days after hers? 

She doesn't have a point at all. OP isn't requiring anything of her. The other bride is being a spoiled little princess.

Belle2188

I agree that the other bride is way out of line for reacting the way she did; however, am I the only one that thinks OP is being just a little inconsiderate?  It's not that her wedding is two weeks before, but more that it's also out of state that rubs me the wrong way.  If I was invited wedding out of state two weeks before my own I probably wouldn't be able to go, and I would be pretty upset that it was a close friend whose wedding I really wanted to attend...

Rebl90

I think she is too wrapped up in her own wedding to think about others. I am a BM for a dear friend of mine 4 weeks before my own wedding  (which I think is plenty of time apart).  We are both excited to share this time together, and never once have I thought of it any other way.  I'm so sorry you are dealing with this, I would just leave her to plan her own day and continue to be nice if she decides to contact you and work it out.

doeydo

msdidonato said:

I agree thisismynickname. I was hoping it would be a fun time for the two of us!! To plan our weddings and bounce ideas off each other. But since she apparently wants nothing to do with me now. I doubt that we will be attending each others wedding. She mentioned that she wouldn't able to attend mine for finance reason (perfectly understandable. Not mad at all). But then she asked me to not be in hers. That really upsets me because I didn't do anything wrong and I was truly excited to be in her wedding.

To me, the fact that she asked you to no longer be a bridesmaid means she ins't interested in pursuing/continuing your friendship.  I don't think you did anything wrong by having your wedding date about two weeks before hers.  She is being a little crazy, IMO.  

Dreamergirl8812

That sucks, OP, I'm sorry. One of my BMs set her date 3 weeks after mine and when she first told me it legitimately stressed me out. It's not like I expected her to set her date around mine, but it stressed me out. It's a little tough because spending 1k on her wedding is difficult right now, but I wouldn't give it up for anything.

We are each other's BMs and my MOH (who's her MB) and her MOH (who's my BM) threw us an awesome bachelorette.

Now for the advice: Make an effort, as you have been. Reach out, possibly in writing so she can chew on it for a bit. But then be ready to move on. Kicking someone out of the wedding party is a friendship ending move. It sounds like she could use a little TK.

msdidonato

Her wedding is in New Mexico. I live in Texas. She lives in Texas. It would take her 3 hours to drive to my wedding. Day trip. I have driven that drive hundreds of times. 

I ended up e-mailing her and just getting my feelings out about it. I told her that our friendship was in her hands. So, we shall see. 

Thank you to all for your advice. I feel like some people made some really good points!! 

Hope everyone has a nice day  

katieg520

I bet it felt good to get it out there and and in the open and I am sure that if y'all are close enough she will come around. Wedding planning can be stressful for some people, so give her time to process.

carissaroberts

Haha WOW! I am SO sorry! I totally misread the dates for the wedding...2 days and 2 weeks apart is a pretty significant difference. Well nevermind my previous post, I dont think there is anything wrong with having a date set 2 weeks after hers. Just sillyness on her part now. Atleast you're trying your best at being a good friend to her. 

Belle2188

msdidonato said:

Her wedding is in New Mexico. I live in Texas. She lives in Texas. It would take her 3 hours to drive to my wedding. Day trip. I have driven that drive hundreds of times. 

I ended up e-mailing her and just getting my feelings out about it. I told her that our friendship was in her hands. So, we shall see. 

Thank you to all for your advice. I feel like some people made some really good points!! 

Hope everyone has a nice day  

In that case, you've really done nothing wrong.  Sorry for assuming it was further!  Yeah, I have to agree that you made the right move putting it in her hands.  If she doesn't respond well or at all, then it's probably not worth pursuing a resolution any further... Good luck!

ETA because my post didn't make sense

delujm0

As a bride, you get ONE DAY.  ONE.  You can't hold it against anyone for picking any date other than your own.  As long as your checked with all of your VIPs to make sure that they could come on that date, you don't need to change anything.  Yes, it's possible that this girl may not be able to come to your wedding.  But if she can't, so be it.  However, you have agreed to be in her Bridal Party - so if you Honeymoon directly after your wedding, make sure you are back in time for her rehearsal.  You shouldn't break that commitment.

 

One of my BMs selected 5/17/14 as her date about three months after i selected 5/31/14.  She checked with me first (I'm a BM in her wedding as well), and i told her she doens't need to be available to me until 5/31.  If she's back from her honeymoon in time for the rehearsal, great, if not, it's no big deal.  It does help that we're both getting married in the same town (where we currently live).  But seriously, it's not a big deal.  This girl needs to grow up and get over it, or lose a friend.

 

Also, you're not "stealing her thunder."  If you're getting married in the same town, try to not use the same vendors - but it sounds like you're getting married elsewhere, so that won't be an issue.  two of my bridesmaids got engaged after i did and both are getting married before i am (we're having a long engagement because of our venue's availability).  it's not a big deal, and i'm happy for them. 

 

People that act like this because of weddings are likely not mature enough to handle actually being married.  If you're so stressed about planning a wedding that you'll freak out on one of your closest friends, how are you going to react when something that is actually serious comes up?  Like your kid is sick, or your husband loses his job, or REAL LIFE PROBLEMS????

LakeR2014

delujm0 said:

As a bride, you get ONE DAY.  ONE.  You can't hold it against anyone for picking any date other than your own.  As long as your checked with all of your VIPs to make sure that they could come on that date, you don't need to change anything.  Yes, it's possible that this girl may not be able to come to your wedding.  But if she can't, so be it.  However, you have agreed to be in her Bridal Party - so if you Honeymoon directly after your wedding, make sure you are back in time for her rehearsal.  You shouldn't break that commitment.

 

One of my BMs selected 5/17/14 as her date about three months after i selected 5/31/14.  She checked with me first (I'm a BM in her wedding as well), and i told her she doens't need to be available to me until 5/31.  If she's back from her honeymoon in time for the rehearsal, great, if not, it's no big deal.  It does help that we're both getting married in the same town (where we currently live).  But seriously, it's not a big deal.  This girl needs to grow up and get over it, or lose a friend.

 

Also, you're not "stealing her thunder."  If you're getting married in the same town, try to not use the same vendors - but it sounds like you're getting married elsewhere, so that won't be an issue.  two of my bridesmaids got engaged after i did and both are getting married before i am (we're having a long engagement because of our venue's availability).  it's not a big deal, and i'm happy for them. 

 

People that act like this because of weddings are likely not mature enough to handle actually being married.  If you're so stressed about planning a wedding that you'll freak out on one of your closest friends, how are you going to react when something that is actually serious comes up?  Like your kid is sick, or your husband loses his job, or REAL LIFE PROBLEMS????

THIS!!!!   This is how I've always felt about these situations.  If someone having their wedding close to yours, throws you off so much that you flip out, you're not ready for marriage and all that it entails.

daveANDkristen

@msdidonato Update?

msdidonato

 I absolutely LOVE both of your responses.  

We had originally planned our honeymoon for June because I work for a school district and didn't feel comfortable taking off several days before my wedding, and then several days again for  her wedding. Plus, Its hard to take off a week at a time. Puts you WAY behind on stuff.  

 

msdidonato

@daveANDkristen. No update. She has not e-mailed me back at all. I honestly don't see her every e-mailing me back.  The friendship is done in my eyes. I was hoping she would call or at least give me some sort of response that would let me know she wanted to continue the friendship but she maybe to hurt at the moment. Which I would accept. I don't agree with her stance on the situation, but everyone is entitled to their own opinion. 

daveANDkristen

msdidonato said:

@daveANDkristen. No update. She has not e-mailed me back at all. I honestly don't see her every e-mailing me back.  The friendship is done in my eyes. I was hoping she would call or at least give me some sort of response that would let me know she wanted to continue the friendship but she maybe to hurt at the moment. Which I would accept. I don't agree with her stance on the situation, but everyone is entitled to their own opinion. 

I'm sorry about this.  Even if you had been intending to "steal her thunder", it is impossible to come close to thunder stealing when you have almost no guest list crossover.  Also, I attended my dad's surprise 60th birthday party two weeks before my wedding and that was 250 miles away, so I don't buy that she will be so incredibly busy with her own planning that she couldn't take a day off to attend your wedding.  And even if she weren't able to attend your wedding, it seems like an awfully shitty reason to end a friendship. 

maryemoo

msdidonato said:

NYCmercedes:  The reason that I asked her to call me was because I had tried to start a conversation with her via text, and call her prior to her sending the e-mail. She had completely ignored me several times. So I sent her a text saying that I was worried that she was okay because it wasn't like her as a friend to ignore me for days at a time. I told her that I knew she was busy (She had just moved and started a new job) and I understood that, I was just making sure she was okay. 

She then responded by saying that "I am fine, just been busy" So I said "Okay cool, well let me know if you need me to do anything for the wedding!! I am excited for it"... then she sent me an email explaining all those things. 

I wrote her back saying " I have written and earsed many things in this e-mail. When you get a chance, can you please call me regarding this. I feel as though our friendship deserves more than an email exchange over something this important" 

I don't feel like I was being rude. I had reached out several times before the e-mail and she was mad at me. So, I don't feel like asking her to call and talk about it is wrong. I feel like talking on the phone is more personal than an e-mail for someone I considered a good friend. 

Sounds like you've done all you can, and that she is NOT a very good friend.

Vivandiere8

You know... I would swear we had a telling this same story but from the other bride's perspective and a few added details and everyone was on the side of that bride when replying. Maybe a coincidence...