Living apart? Rant

Sembree1

Apparently people find it extremely strange that FI and I will not be living together before we are married. Usually when someone brings it up, they also feel the need to mention the fact that I have a 5 year old daughter, so obviously sex isn't the reason for us not living together. I'm not sure why everyone feels this is their concern and I guess I'm looking for a nice way to tell them to butt out, it's not any of their business. We each have our own place so it effects no one but us. Rant over:)

southernbelle0915

Sorry you're experiencing this. It's super rude for anyone to mention sex - ugh how personal and inappropriate.

manateehugger

Yeah, FI and I get this crap a lot too. Everyone has their own personal road for their relationships. Not to mention he's in the military, which makes everything a little tricky. So it drives me bonkers. 

I usually say something like, "I don't butt into how you conduct your relationship, so I would appreciate it if you didn't butt into ours. He and I have made this decision and we're feeling good about it."

People need to worry about their own sex lives. 

Cokezerofreak

Talking about sex, my fiance's aunt told me I needed to hurry up and get pregnant now since I'm old (before the wedding).

climbingsingle

I would just say, "We're not moving until together until after the wedding." and change the subject. Or ask why they care. 

Maggie0829

@cokezerofreak - wow, your FI Aunt sounds special.

OP, it sucks that people are questioning your decision.  I would just ignore them or ask them why it matters to them so much.  Sometimes people can be idiots.

Cokezerofreak

@Maggie0829 She is, with her plastic surgery and all!  She also decided to invite everyone and anyone to our wedding.

Grabows14

I actually get more of the why are you still living at home lol. We're both 25 so I guess it's that age.

Gisellerina

We didn't live together before marriage either.  I usually answered any rude/inappropriate/invasive questions with "This is what works best for us."  And then changed the subject to asking something polite about the other person. (i.e. How's Fred's new job?  How was your trip to Argentina?  etc.)  This approach seemed to be well received by my friends and family.

manateehugger

bubbles053009 said:

I hate when people try to put their nose into your business where it doesn't belong, especially on the topic of sex. My BF's SIL has been doing this since day one with us. We've gotten to the point of ignoring what she says in that regard. It isn't her business and she needs to learn to stay out of it.

On the topic of not living with each other, my BF and I currently don't but we can't imagine not living with each other until after we are married. Have you guys lived with each other at all beforehand?

We haven't, Bubbles. We were in college for two years, and then have been long distance for another two. 

Honestly, I know we will have a lot of adjustments and bickering in our future. But if I didn't think we could work through it, I wouldn't be marrying him. 

thisismynickname2

Oooo I hate that too. We will actually move in just a couple months before the wedding, but got engaged several months ago while happily living one mile apart in our respective homes.

Brides Magazine posts "etiquette" questions on Facebook and I was pretty enraged to see this very topic come up. The magazine dared to suggest that "living apart can be hard" and luckily several brides chimed in to say that it's perfectly normal to live apart for many various reasons. 

Ugh.  

katieg520

My ex-husband and I didn't live together before we got married either. I was a lot younger then and it would have caused my whole family to really get upset if we did, but either way, at my age now, I don't think it's anyone's business who I do or do not live with. And if people are so concerned and insist on making comments to you, just respond with some kind of smart aleck comment.

arrippa

My FI and I are not living together until marriage either. I am lucky since I haven't gotten any buttinski's nosying into our business. I am a quiet person by nature and dont usually talk about my personal business with people so I think most people don't know or probably don't care.

monkeysip

We didn't live together before marriage.  We dated for 10 years.  People thought it was weird, but they also know our values are different.

Yes, we've had a lot of little bickering about how to load the dishwasher and whose turn it is to take the dog on a walk, but it's been no big deal.  We knew each other well enough and had spent enough time at each other's houses over 10 years that there were no big surprises or anything.  It's just been another part of our adventure together.

Sembree1

I've had so many people flat out say our marriage will fail because of us not living together first. "you don't really know someone until you live together". It's just not something I want. I feel very strongly about us not living together before we are married and FI is ok with that. I hate though that people think that they can say anything to me and that I apparently have no morals bc I did have a child at 19 and was not with my daughters dad. I didn't have to live with him to know I didn't want to marry him so why should I have to live with FI to know I want to marry him???
Seeing how many others are living apart though too makes me feel a lot more "normal"

vk2204

H and I have been together for 8 years by the time we got married. We did not move in together until 2 months before the wedding. We both lived with our parents and wanted to be financially stable before we did anything. People said stuff to us all.the.time. It was extremely annoying. It wasn't that we didn't want to live together, it just wasn't the right time. We didn't want to force something (buying a house/getting married without hitting our savings goal) just because other people said we should. Looking back I am very happy that we stuck with our plan and not only were we able to buy a house 6 months before our wedding, we had saved enough to pay cash for our wedding as well.

What works for other people does not work for everyone, and I hate that people try and tell you otherwise.

Onceinalovetime

F and I could never live apart from each other again. I would be lost. Living apart before marriage is not wrong though, it's all about the individual couple. Before we moved in together I always heard people say that things will change because you will find out new things about each other, but I our case I really don't feel like anything changed. I love him and nothing could have been so bad that I would rethink living with him for the rest of my life. Now, when he comes home and sticks his dirty socks between the banister I get a little peeved. He only does it now though because loves to see the expression on my face when I find them there. I

amaryann210

FI and I have never lived together and he won't move in until the day after we're married.  A lot of our friends think we're "old fashioned", but as so many others have said, it's no on'e business but your own.  I have lived by myself for almost 10 years and I knew living with someone else would be an adjustment, so the time living apart has been good for me.  Now, with 17 days left until the wedding, I can't wait until he doesn't have to leave at night to go home!

MrsLillyG

It is rude that people are hounding you about something that is not their business..

however...

I am a big believer that people should live together because I feel like I knew way more about my H (then BF) after we moved in with each other.  Also in general you would spend alot more time with them once you are sharing living space. I think people should maybe figure out if you like spending that much time with them lol.  And besides deciding whether you can deal with alot of their personal habits in general and with finances.  And bc I know couples that were planning on getting married in future and moved in with each other and ended up breaking up.  Signing a lease with someone is theoretically a 1 year committment, signing a marriage contract is a lifetime commitment. 

katieg520

I personally believe that there is nothing that living together is going to secure your marriage. When you marry someone you are promising to love and honor that person despite the differences you have. If you know your FI and you both share that kind of commitment and will work things out regardless of how different you may be, then don't feel pressured to live together. The fact that my FI and I load the dishwasher differently, sleep with different temperatures, spend money differently, etc is nothing to get divorced over. Those are things we would work out regardless of marriage or not.

mysticl

I moved into DH's house the day after our wedding.  Up to that point we were next door neighbors (that's how we met) so we did see each other practically everyday, unless one of us was out of town or it was 24+hr work day for him.  

No one ever questioned us not moving in together.  Both of our moms would have been upset if we did.

APDSS22

I think it's between you and your future husband as to whether you live together before marriage.  Hopefully if you ignore all the haters they'll stop because they won't be getting a rise out of you.  My husband and I lived together before marriage, but that's something only the couple can decide.  I'm sorry people keep butting in.

WinstonsGirl

Lobster1987 said:

I have the opposite issue. I currently live apart from FI (6 hours apart) and my family would be rather upset if I moved in with him. They do not know that I have 2 job interviews this week by him, and that I am plotting to live with him within the next 2 months....I've always said that I wanted to wait until my wedding day to move in (which I do) but financially it makes more sense to move in now. I can't afford to live where I am now. At least we ARE engaged and will be married in 9 months.

 

This made me laugh.  I just picture you cackling and drumming your finger tips together while you plot  World domination and living with your FI.  

MyNameIsNot

thisismynickname said: Oooo I hate that too. We will actually move in just a couple months before the wedding, but got engaged several months ago while happily living one mile apart in our respective homes.
Brides Magazine posts "etiquette" questions on Facebook and I was pretty enraged to see this very topic come up. The magazine dared to suggest that "living apart can be hard" and luckily several brides chimed in to say that it's perfectly normal to live apart for many various reasons. 
Ugh.  

I don't understand why you would be so upset by that.  Living apart can be hard, normal or not.  

Dreamergirl8812

monkeysip said:

We didn't live together before marriage.  We dated for 10 years.  People thought it was weird, but they also know our values are different.

Yes, we've had a lot of little bickering about how to load the dishwasher and whose turn it is to take the dog on a walk, but it's been no big deal.  We knew each other well enough and had spent enough time at each other's houses over 10 years that there were no big surprises or anything.  It's just been another part of our adventure together.

Were you or your husband ever not invited to a wedding as an SO because you failed the stupid living together/engaged/married requisite?

monkeysip

@ Dreamergirl8812

Yes, although I can't say whether it would have made a difference if we'd been living together (some people just don't invite SOs no matter what--which, of course, is terrible)

My Dad didn't invite H to his own wedding to my stepmother (we were 19 at the time), although that was probably more because it was out of state and he figured H wouldn't have had the money to fly up there (and he would've been right).

And my cousin didn't invite H a few years ago to her wedding.  I was living with my mom at the time, and the invitation was addressed to my mom and me (so she didn't even send me my own as an adult).

Of course, I also committed an etiquette faux pas because I RSVPd back with H's name and my name, since my mom couldn't go.  I "subbed" in H's name, since I figured she was already reserving 2 seats and should've invited him.  I know now that wasn't the right thing to do, but I wasn't very etiquette-saavy back then.