Fallout of the "Cash Bar" choice-Lurkers Please Read!!!!

Dreamergirl8812

If you guys receive one of those apology/give me money cards, please please please show it to us. Please.

antibride2013

Trapped in a box (but it's better than a closet)

So after offending the guests at their wedding, they are now going to offend the guests after it? Wow, the cash bar is tacky enough but a letter basically saying give me the money that you spent on alcohol because we were terrible hosts, is over and beyond tacky. Have your DH direct the bride here. We will set her straight.

 

I begged him to either pull her aside and tell her how inappropriate that would be to send the letter, or I actually DID tell him to tell her to come here! 

grumbledore

misslittlenumberrobot said:

I do not mean to steal this thread. I totally understand NO CASH BAR. But I have a couple other options I would greatly appreciate comments....

What about a wine and beer only open bar?

OR

Just putting 2 bottles red and 2 bottles of white on each table and that is it. Also, obviously champagne for the toast too, but that would come out later.


We aren't engaged yet and talking heavily about a wedding. I think this may be an issue because I would like some alcohol at our wedding and my future fiance would rather not have anything "open" because he is in fear of guests (our families) getting too crazy. Trying to find a middle ground that won't offend guests.

Thanks!

Read the Cash Bars sticky at the top of the Etiquette board.  Beer and wine only is fine.  I have mixed feelings about just bottles of wine on the tables - personal opinion is that having the wine available at an open bar is a better idea.

antibride2013

Dreamergirl8812 said:

If you guys receive one of those apology/give me money cards, please please please show it to us. Please.

Will do! 

happyfor25

misslittlenumberrobot said:

I do not mean to steal this thread. I totally understand NO CASH BAR. But I have a couple other options I would greatly appreciate comments....

What about a wine and beer only open bar?

OR

Just putting 2 bottles red and 2 bottles of white on each table and that is it. Also, obviously champagne for the toast too, but that would come out later.


We aren't engaged yet and talking heavily about a wedding. I think this may be an issue because I would like some alcohol at our wedding and my future fiance would rather not have anything "open" because he is in fear of guests (our families) getting too crazy. Trying to find a middle ground that won't offend guests.

Thanks!

Wine and beer only is perfectly acceptable.  However, I find your FH's reason for no open bar pretty ridiculous...why would he assume that adults cannot conduct themselves properly at a wedding?  And I've seen people drink excessive amounts of beer/wine as well as liquor.

grumbledore

I agree with @happyfor25 -- if you have a bar with a licensed bartender, then the bartender will cut people off who have had too much.  Problem solved.

phira

If I had given a cash gift (unlikely--I'd either have given a boxed gift or a check), I wouldn't have taken it out to pay for drinks. I just would have complained a lot.

But damn. I'm trying to do everything in my power to have an open bar all night with the budget we're on. Our wedding probably won't cost half of what this wedding did. We're trying to save money on as much as possible so we can increase the money we can spend on our consumption limited open bar.

Basically--PRIORITIES.

ei34

grumbledore said:

eileenrob said:

Yikes, that sounds terrible!  I would've needed a stiff drink if I'd been witnessing all of that! Oh the irony ;p

It's tacky and rude to have a cash bar, and it's also tacky and rude to open your card and fish out your wedding gift!  So I guess the guests invited reflected the bride and groom!  I'll say it again: I need a drink just from hearing this story! 

How is it rude to use the only cash you brought to pay for a drink you shouldn't have been charged for in the first place?  I disagree very strongly with this.

The couple shouldn't have had a cash bar, that's the big glaring problem.  But my personal philosophy is two wrongs don't make a right.  I personally wouldn't open a card and use a gift I'd just given to someone else.  I always have cash on hand at weddings- how else would I tip the valet parker, bartender, coat checker, etc. who just provided me with a service?  If I didn't have enough to buy a drink, I'd just go without.  <- Which sucks, but so do cash bars.

allispain

antibride2013 said:

@allispain-I don't give cash at weddings, I always give a boxed gift.  I do however keep a $100.00 bill folded in my wallet at all times for emergencies.  Other than that, I never carry cash. 

After the initial yelling she settled down a bit and tried to play it off, but it was clear the couple was pissed.   The bride is a colleague of DH, so he has been giving me daily updates.  As of yesterday, he said the couple was drafting a letter to mail to all the guests.  The long and short of the letter is an apology for the cash bar, and they would like their guests to reconsider their gift giving the sob story that their were depending on the wedding money to help cover the cost of the wedding.  He said they are planning to include a self address stamped envelope.  I told him to grab her aside, and tell her DO NOT DO THIS. 

I just do not understand people.......

That is utterly ridiculous. I can't even imagine the mindset of someone who thinks it's okay to do something like this. If I ever received a letter like that it would immediately got tossed. Insane.

Jen4948

eileenrob said:

grumbledore said:

eileenrob said:

Yikes, that sounds terrible!  I would've needed a stiff drink if I'd been witnessing all of that! Oh the irony ;p

It's tacky and rude to have a cash bar, and it's also tacky and rude to open your card and fish out your wedding gift!  So I guess the guests invited reflected the bride and groom!  I'll say it again: I need a drink just from hearing this story! 

How is it rude to use the only cash you brought to pay for a drink you shouldn't have been charged for in the first place?  I disagree very strongly with this.

The couple shouldn't have had a cash bar, that's the big glaring problem.  But my personal philosophy is two wrongs don't make a right.  I personally wouldn't open a card and use a gift I'd just given to someone else.  I always have cash on hand at weddings- how else would I tip the valet parker, bartender, coat checker, etc. who just provided me with a service?  If I didn't have enough to buy a drink, I'd just go without.  <- Which sucks, but so do cash bars.

You are not supposed to be the one tipping-that's the responsibility of the hosts.  They should not be passing on any costs or gratuities to you as a guest.  And you taking them upon yourself sets up an expectation on the part of the valet, bartender, coat checker, etc. that it's okay for them to put out tip jars or otherwise solicit tips from the guests-which it is not.

jenniferurs

eileenrob said:

grumbledore said:

eileenrob said:

Yikes, that sounds terrible!  I would've needed a stiff drink if I'd been witnessing all of that! Oh the irony ;p

It's tacky and rude to have a cash bar, and it's also tacky and rude to open your card and fish out your wedding gift!  So I guess the guests invited reflected the bride and groom!  I'll say it again: I need a drink just from hearing this story! 

How is it rude to use the only cash you brought to pay for a drink you shouldn't have been charged for in the first place?  I disagree very strongly with this.

The couple shouldn't have had a cash bar, that's the big glaring problem.  But my personal philosophy is two wrongs don't make a right.  I personally wouldn't open a card and use a gift I'd just given to someone else.  I always have cash on hand at weddings- how else would I tip the valet parker, bartender, coat checker, etc. who just provided me with a service?  If I didn't have enough to buy a drink, I'd just go without.  <- Which sucks, but so do cash bars.

I agree. I would either leave the wedding to get cash or go without alcohol. I wouldn't take back a gift I had already given. That just seems tacky to me and, as previously stated, two wrongs don't make a right.

ei34

Jen4948 said:

eileenrob said:

grumbledore said:

eileenrob said:

Yikes, that sounds terrible!  I would've needed a stiff drink if I'd been witnessing all of that! Oh the irony ;p

It's tacky and rude to have a cash bar, and it's also tacky and rude to open your card and fish out your wedding gift!  So I guess the guests invited reflected the bride and groom!  I'll say it again: I need a drink just from hearing this story! 

How is it rude to use the only cash you brought to pay for a drink you shouldn't have been charged for in the first place?  I disagree very strongly with this.

The couple shouldn't have had a cash bar, that's the big glaring problem.  But my personal philosophy is two wrongs don't make a right.  I personally wouldn't open a card and use a gift I'd just given to someone else.  I always have cash on hand at weddings- how else would I tip the valet parker, bartender, coat checker, etc. who just provided me with a service?  If I didn't have enough to buy a drink, I'd just go without.  <- Which sucks, but so do cash bars.

You are not supposed to be the one tipping-that's the responsibility of the hosts.  They should not be passing on any costs or gratuities to you as a guest.  And you taking them upon yourself sets up an expectation on the part of the valet, bartender, coat checker, etc. that it's okay for them to put out tip jars or otherwise solicit tips from the guests-which it is not.

It goes without saying (or I guess it doesn't, since you had to comment lol) that the bride and groom pay for the services (bartender, valet, etc) AND tip them.  This is what hubby and I did, and what everyone else I know did too.  That being said, I as a guest, knowing that the bartender has already been paid and tipped by the hosts, am still going to tip someone who just provided me with a service.  A wedding shouldn't change a real-life scenario: if I'm at a bar with friends, I tip the bartender who just made my drink. If I'm at a wedding at the bar, I tip the bartender who made my drink.  I couldn't not do that, regardless of the setting.  Just me though :]

I'm totally with you that tip jars have no place at weddings.  If guests want to tip they should do it on their own!

climbingsingle

eileenrob said:

Jen4948 said:

eileenrob said:

grumbledore said:

eileenrob said:

Yikes, that sounds terrible!  I would've needed a stiff drink if I'd been witnessing all of that! Oh the irony ;p

It's tacky and rude to have a cash bar, and it's also tacky and rude to open your card and fish out your wedding gift!  So I guess the guests invited reflected the bride and groom!  I'll say it again: I need a drink just from hearing this story! 

How is it rude to use the only cash you brought to pay for a drink you shouldn't have been charged for in the first place?  I disagree very strongly with this.

The couple shouldn't have had a cash bar, that's the big glaring problem.  But my personal philosophy is two wrongs don't make a right.  I personally wouldn't open a card and use a gift I'd just given to someone else.  I always have cash on hand at weddings- how else would I tip the valet parker, bartender, coat checker, etc. who just provided me with a service?  If I didn't have enough to buy a drink, I'd just go without.  <- Which sucks, but so do cash bars.

You are not supposed to be the one tipping-that's the responsibility of the hosts.  They should not be passing on any costs or gratuities to you as a guest.  And you taking them upon yourself sets up an expectation on the part of the valet, bartender, coat checker, etc. that it's okay for them to put out tip jars or otherwise solicit tips from the guests-which it is not.

It goes without saying (or I guess it doesn't, since you had to comment lol) that the bride and groom pay for the services (bartender, valet, etc) AND tip them.  This is what hubby and I did, and what everyone else I know did to.  That being said, I as a guest, knowing that the bartender has already been paid and tipped by the hosts, am still going to tip someone who just provided me with a service.  A wedding shouldn't change a real-life scenario: if I'm at a bar with friends, I tip the bartender who just made my drink. If I'm at a wedding at the bar, I tip the bartender who made my drink.  I couldn't not do that, regardless of the setting.  Just me though :]

Totally agree with Eileen on the tipping. This may be a New York thing, but I always tip at a wedding - the bartenders, the valets, the coat check. It's just what's done. It doesn't matter that the B&G have already tipped these people. I've never been at a wedding and not tipped people. 

katieg520

people outside of NY are polite as well... I always tip EVERYONE.

Jen4948

ClimbingBrideNY said:

eileenrob said:

Jen4948 said:

eileenrob said:

grumbledore said:

eileenrob said:

Yikes, that sounds terrible!  I would've needed a stiff drink if I'd been witnessing all of that! Oh the irony ;p

It's tacky and rude to have a cash bar, and it's also tacky and rude to open your card and fish out your wedding gift!  So I guess the guests invited reflected the bride and groom!  I'll say it again: I need a drink just from hearing this story! 

How is it rude to use the only cash you brought to pay for a drink you shouldn't have been charged for in the first place?  I disagree very strongly with this.

The couple shouldn't have had a cash bar, that's the big glaring problem.  But my personal philosophy is two wrongs don't make a right.  I personally wouldn't open a card and use a gift I'd just given to someone else.  I always have cash on hand at weddings- how else would I tip the valet parker, bartender, coat checker, etc. who just provided me with a service?  If I didn't have enough to buy a drink, I'd just go without.  <- Which sucks, but so do cash bars.

You are not supposed to be the one tipping-that's the responsibility of the hosts.  They should not be passing on any costs or gratuities to you as a guest.  And you taking them upon yourself sets up an expectation on the part of the valet, bartender, coat checker, etc. that it's okay for them to put out tip jars or otherwise solicit tips from the guests-which it is not.

It goes without saying (or I guess it doesn't, since you had to comment lol) that the bride and groom pay for the services (bartender, valet, etc) AND tip them.  This is what hubby and I did, and what everyone else I know did to.  That being said, I as a guest, knowing that the bartender has already been paid and tipped by the hosts, am still going to tip someone who just provided me with a service.  A wedding shouldn't change a real-life scenario: if I'm at a bar with friends, I tip the bartender who just made my drink. If I'm at a wedding at the bar, I tip the bartender who made my drink.  I couldn't not do that, regardless of the setting.  Just me though :]

Totally agree with Eileen on the tipping. This may be a New York thing, but I always tip at a wedding - the bartenders, the valets, the coat check. It's just what's done. It doesn't matter that the B&G have already tipped these people. I've never been at a wedding and not tipped people. 

I'm in NYC too and I maintain that it is not appropriate for guests to be expected to tip at a wedding-not even in NYC.  The hosts are responsible for the costs of coat-checking, valet service, drinks, and anything else they provide.  It is rude for anyone to expect the guests to show up with money to pay for these amenities.

Whether or not you automatically tip when you go to these places, or at weddings, or whatever, you create an inappropriate expectation of tips to staffers from guests when you tip them.  It's not your job as a guest, and it's not my job as a guest.  It's like the very stupid "cover your plate" idea that you owe your hosts a gift of the value of the hospitality they give you.  You do not.

climbingsingle

There's no way I will accept a service from someone without tipping. Doesn't matter if it's at a wedding or not. If you make me a drink, if you check my coat, if you take care of my car, you get a tip. 

grumbledore

eileenrob said: grumbledore said: eileenrob said: Yikes, that sounds terrible!  I would've needed a stiff drink if I'd been witnessing all of that! Oh the irony ;pIt's tacky and rude to have a cash bar, and it's also tacky and rude to open your card and fish out your wedding gift!  So I guess the guests invited reflected the bride and groom!  I'll say it again: I need a drink just from hearing this story!  How is it rude to use the only cash you brought to pay for a drink you shouldn't have been charged for in the first place?  I disagree very strongly with this. The couple shouldn't have had a cash bar, that's the big glaring problem.  But my personal philosophy is two wrongs don't make a right.  I personally wouldn't open a card and use a gift I'd just given to someone else.  I always have cash on hand at weddings- how else would I tip the valet parker, bartender, coat checker, etc. who just provided me with a service?  If I didn't have enough to buy a drink, I'd just go without.  <- Which sucks, but so do cash bars.
-------------------------------------------------------------

Well, since not giving a gift is not a "wrong" this isn't two wrongs making a right - it's a guest choosing how to spend his/her own money.  I don't expect to tip at someone else's wedding, that is their responsibility.

Do many people still tip?  Sure.  And that's fine.

banana468

Well it is rude to take your gift back. You don't have to give a gift but you can't take it back and be in accordance with correct behavior.

Sometimes we do rude things to make a point even if they're incorrect.

grumbledore

djhar said:

Cash bars are rude, but taking back a gift you've already given is far worse, in my opinion. 

I disagree, and in this case the couple had not yet received the gifts.  Host your guests properly, and they will not be "rude" to you.

banana468

I think you're really splitting hairs if you say that leaving a present on a table is not an act of the couple receiving the gift thereby making it perfectly acceptable to go up to the gift table and take the gift back.

That said, I understand why the guests did it.

grumbledore

Fair enough.  I can absolutely understand why they did it and I do not think what they did was "more rude" than the cash bar and the bridal-shrieking.

banana468

grumbledore said:

Fair enough.  I can absolutely understand why they did it and I do not think what they did was "more rude" than the cash bar and the bridal-shrieking.

Now we agree.

lennonkdc

I just can't fathom the bride and grooms mindset. I can'rt wait to see that letter, I'm hoping it goes viral! More couples need to know that no event, not even a wedding, is an excuse to be rude to your family.

APDSS22

If they do the letters, especially with stamped and addressed envelopes...their mailbox is going to be full (and not with money like they want.)  It's one thing to send a letter of deep apology and appreciation to the guests knowing that what they (the couple) did was wrong.  If they mention needing cash to pay off the wedding, then it becomes a gift grab and these people are probably not going to respond favorably.  At least it isn't postage guaranteed like junk mail, people attach bricks to those things to make a point...

Note to any lurker brides: If you are counting on gifts to help you pay back any part of your wedding, you might be in for disappointment.  It's always better to pay for what you can afford and then be surprised and grateful when you receive something from your guests.

I don't think I'd go grab the cash I'd put in the card for the couple, but I usually give boxed gifts and rarely carry more cash than I need for the turnpike so I'd be screwed.  Especially since I don't drink water if I can help it.  People will not be talking about your dress or your hand-tailored tuxes or your decorations years down the road, but I bet this wedding will be remembered ALWAYS as "that horrible, tacky, cash bar wedding". 

ETA: @misslittlenumberrobot : Limited bars with beer and wine are fine.  That's what my husband and I had.  I would have both beer and wine if you do limited, a lot of people have a strong preference between beer and wine.  However, you should also realize that people who want to get smashed will find a way and limiting it to beer and wine won't stop them.  Host whatever you can afford that fits in your budget and realize you can't babysit your guests.  If they get drunk and do something foolish, that reflects on them and not you and your FI.  Hopefully you'll be having too much fun enjoying yourselves and the company of your guests to even notice. 

marshmallow1982

How is it rude to use the only cash you brought to pay for a drink you shouldn't have been charged for in the first place?  I disagree very strongly with this.

How do you know that it was only specifically the cash from their own card? If there was a big scramble anyone could have been grabbing any old cash

88beautymarked

antibride2013 said:

@allispain-I don't give cash at weddings, I always give a boxed gift.  I do however keep a $100.00 bill folded in my wallet at all times for emergencies.  Other than that, I never carry cash. 

After the initial yelling she settled down a bit and tried to play it off, but it was clear the couple was pissed.   The bride is a colleague of DH, so he has been giving me daily updates.  As of yesterday, he said the couple was drafting a letter to mail to all the guests.  The long and short of the letter is an apology for the cash bar, and they would like their guests to reconsider their gift giving the sob story that their were depending on the wedding money to help cover the cost of the wedding.  He said they are planning to include a self address stamped envelope.  I told him to grab her aside, and tell her DO NOT DO THIS. 

I just do not understand people.......

What?! I'm sorry, my jaw just hit the floor.

JellyBean52513

I would send back a few job applications in their self-addressed stamped envelope... since, you know, they're clearly in need of some money.

grumbledore

JellyBean52513 said:

I would send back a few job applications in their self-addressed stamped envelope... since, you know, they're clearly in need of some money.

Oooh I love that idea.

PrettyGirlLost

eileenrob said:

Yikes, that sounds terrible!  I would've needed a stiff drink if I'd been witnessing all of that! Oh the irony ;p

It's tacky and rude to have a cash bar, and it's also tacky and rude to open your card and fish out your wedding gift!  So I guess the guests invited reflected the bride and groom!  I'll say it again: I need a drink just from hearing this story! 

Uh, no.  The guests were reflecting the fact that they expected to be properly frigging hosted, and they were not.  So after being charged for drinks, they had to go retrieve the only cash they had with them. . . the cash in their wedding cards.  What were they supposed to do otherwise?

What if they had brought an actual boxed gift and had no cash on hand?  I guess I would have told the bar tender to put it on the Bride and Groom's tab, and walked off w/o the drink.

PrettyGirlLost

aurorajanette said:

I can't even believe this happened! What a terrible person. If I got a letter from her and her husband begging me for money I'd probably send it back with a penny in it.

I'd send it back with an itemized bill for every cost I incurred in order to attend their wedding. . .and a restraining order because at that point there is no way in hell I'd want this bride stepping one foot near me ever again.