Input: harmless dreaming vs. creepy pre-planning

lilyandsparrow

He hasn't proposed yet, but I suspect it's coming soon. He's got my grandmother's diamond, he's told me he wants to marry me more than anything, we live together, are co-parenting, making concrete "married-people" plans, etc. and it's coming up on a year.

This site is awful in that I have gone from harmlessly perusing wedding ideas to composing actual guest lists, menus, etc. My question is, where does harmless dreaming end and creepy pre-planning begin? Where is the line drawn?!

Shiroyasha

I would say that composing the guest lists, menus, etc is creepy pre-planning.  He hasn't proposed yet.   He might have your grandmother's diamond and you might think it's coming soon, but it might be a lot longer than you think.  Don't stress yourself out over wedding plans until he has asked you to marry him.  

Basically, don't pre-plan.  Enjoy the here and now of your relationship, not the where and then.  

bride2b71614

When the words harmless dreaming about weddings come to mind, I think of little girls who play pretend wedding with their friends, saying that they are going to marry prince charming, you get the idea.  To me creepy pre-planning is making wedding related plans (guest lists, venue ideas, etc.) without an actual proposal. I ditto with PP, don't pre-plan. If you obsess about a wedding without being proposed to, you will drive yourself crazy focusing on when a proposal is coming rather than enjoying your current relationship. Have fun, don't stress. 

psychbabe314

I agree with everyone else. I can be so hard to be patient when you know it is coming! Try to get a hobby, something fun to take your mind off things.

I know I have discussed it with someone before, and some people disagree with me, but at one point I was trying really hard to not think about weddings, pictures, dresses... all online mind you, but it still was so tempting! So I found a way to manage that desire by updating my phone book. Over the past few months I have slowly filled in pieces changed last names, added new family members.
I have gathered addresses and phone numbers of the past few months. But... this is updating my contact information. These are people that I may or may not invite to a wedding someday. These are people I know and am close with. I am still working on it, but it is nice to have everything so organized and right where I need it for my family and friends :-) Plus, it is useful when I wanted to get in touch with people. I now have more updated contact information than my mom now!

So... that may be an idea. Instead of creating a guest list, just update your contact information for people you talk to on a regular basis. Who knows what your circumstances will be when you actually do get engaged.

phira

As many ladies around here know, I didn't have a traditional engagement. We knew we were going to get engaged. Not just hint-dropping or steps like asking for ring size; we talked very openly to each other about the plan.

So, we did have a preliminary guest list, and a rough budget. But it's something that we did together.

Honestly, the reason why pre-planning is discouraged is that it can often ruin people's relationships. If one partner is wedding-obsessed, it can lead to them not enjoying the relationship as-is. Given that you probably shouldn't marry someone if you're not enjoying the relationship as-is ... not a good sign.

And on top of that, wedding planning is something that needs to be done together--it's not just one person's wedding. While I know that there are plenty of people out there who don't give two shits about planning their own wedding, and that stereotypically, grooms just plan to show up in the right suit/tux and say the right name ... a lot of people like to be involved in planning their own wedding.

So if you're sitting there, planning out menus and guest lists and centerpieces without your partner, you're wasting your time. Your partner will have ideas and desires, deal-breakers and must-haves, and SO SO SO much of the wedding is going to depend on your budget anyway.

I am not a traditional person, and so I want to stress that every relationship is different, and that you might honestly not NEED to be discouraged. A lot of folks around here did not approve of the fact that several months before my official engagement, I had a guest list, a budget, and a wedding savings account. But the first two were Google Drive files I had made with my partner, and both of us had wanted to make them. The last one, a joint account, was created because my partner and I had each been saving wedding money (little bits here and there) in separate accounts, with the other person's knowledge, and it came time to combine them when we went ring shopping.

So I think that the line needs to be drawn when you're doing something sort of secretly from your partner, OR when you're obviously planning the wedding in front of them when they're not enthusiastically joining in with you. And if you're not just dreaming of themes and colors, but you're picking out menus and contacting vendors ... you are officially planning and should either get engaged immediately or stop until you're engaged.

Although I'm all for sitting down with your partner and saying, "I love you, and I want to marry you. I know that you might be planning and waiting to surprise me with a proposal, but I don't want to wait any longer."

psychbabe314

@Phira, I have never thought about it that way. That way you explained it makes sense

CLoGreenEyes

Basically what @phira said. If you feel like you'd be embarrassed if your BF caught a glimpse of the wedding things you are looking at/planning, or if you think he would be taken aback, it's probably too much. Although browsing every now and again is certainly not a problem, I personally try to stay away from everything WR just to keep myself sane. But on the other hand, if you and your BF are both comfortable with setting a budget and having a preliminary guest list, that might be different - it's up to you guys. I personally would just rather be engaged before making any plans whatsoever.

Blue & White

@lilyandsparrow. We've been engaged since feb and will be married in April. We haven't picked out our menu yet, so you better not pick out yours before us!!

It's kinda fun doing these things together. Don't spoil it yet when you've got other fun things you can be doing (pumpkin/apple picking!!)

lilyandsparrow

Thanks ladies! I definitely haven't contacted vendors or anything like that. I've browsed online for lots of things and jotted down my side of the guest list and I know roughly his, to get an idea of size. And I'm a foodie so I wrote down some cute themed appetizers/drinks I'd like to have served. We talk about our wedding as in we've discussed who we'd want for our best man/maid of honor, what we think is appropriate for bachelor/ette parties, where we want to get married/honeymoon, what we think is too much to spend on a wedding, etc. We basically have the same taste and he's really laidback and I'm really into details so I'm not worried about him being offended or anything like that. I guess I'm just antsy for him to pop the question and we usually talk about everything but I don't want to ruin the last little bit of surprise either.

CLoGreenEyes

I hear ya - it is definitely fun to think about. Just remember that your tastes may totally change when the time actually comes. When I used to look through wedding stuff religiously, I would write things down or print them out, and I used to save them in a folder that I promised myself I wouldn't look at until I was engaged. Well, I found it again recently and paged through it, and I wasn't a fan of the stuff I had picked out even a year earlier! I figure all the ideas I like now, or even some better ones, will still be there when the time comes.

lilyandsparrow said:

I guess I'm just antsy for him to pop the question and we usually talk about everything but I don't want to ruin the last little bit of surprise either.

The bolded is exactly right. Just be yourself and enjoy your life. I can totally empathize with being antsy, but focusing on it too much is just the kiss of death IMO. I don't want to rush my BF through the process of getting engaged and getting married, and I'm sure you don't either, which is why I had to stop basically stop looking at wedding stuff for a while. You're the only one who can determine the best balance for you, where you can enjoy the browsing but not take it too far for your relationship. Good luck!

500days

lilyandsparrow said:

Thanks ladies! I definitely haven't contacted vendors or anything like that. I've browsed online for lots of things and jotted down my side of the guest list and I know roughly his, to get an idea of size. And I'm a foodie so I wrote down some cute themed appetizers/drinks I'd like to have served. We talk about our wedding as in we've discussed who we'd want for our best man/maid of honor, what we think is appropriate for bachelor/ette parties, where we want to get married/honeymoon, what we think is too much to spend on a wedding, etc. We basically have the same taste and he's really laidback and I'm really into details so I'm not worried about him being offended or anything like that. I guess I'm just antsy for him to pop the question and we usually talk about everything but I don't want to ruin the last little bit of surprise either.

I agree with @amapola14 on the element of surprise. I think it's okay to have a rough idea of number of guests, but really nothing else until your engaged and actually looking and booking. Two years ago my cousin was married and I loved her photos and venue. Well, the photographer stepped away from weddings and the venue has doubled in price. It could potentially be a waste of time looking at pricing and setting your heart on something, when it may change in a few months.