Wedding Etiquette Forum
Options

No card thank you advice

My parents were extremely generous and just threw my husband and I really wonderful wedding.  We received a wide range of cards and gifts from most of our guests, based on what people could afford, which is the norm. One thing that was surprising was that a few people did not even give a card (including the groom's mother, groom's father & date, groom's brother & date, and a few others from groom's family).  I know not to expect gifts from anyone, but it was very surprising to me, especially both of his parents (who are very emotional and very family-oriented), not giving cards to wish us well.  In fact, it even feels a little awkward, and I really think it hurt my husband's feelings. 

Anyway, I came here for answers, since I don't want gossip to get back to my family/friends that I am even in this situation (I'm certain my super traditional parents would feel like it was an insult).  My question is, would you suggest sending them thank you cards just for coming to the wedding?  I don't want to draw attention to the fact that they did not give a card/gift, but it feels strange to not send one.  How should I word it?  I've been searching the boards and other sites and some say that you don't have to give a thank you for guests who don't give a gift or card, since the reception is the thank you.  But would you follow this for the groom's own parents?  I'd really rather send one (though I'm not sure how my groom feels about it yet).  Any advice from those who have been in this situation is appreciated! 

Re: No card thank you advice

  • Options
    No, I wouldn't send them thank-you notes if they didn't give you any gifts.  That will just add to the awkwardness.  Presumably you thanked them for coming when you saw them at your wedding; that will suffice.
  • Options
    Jen4948 said:
    No, I wouldn't send them thank-you notes if they didn't give you any gifts.  That will just add to the awkwardness.  Presumably you thanked them for coming when you saw them at your wedding; that will suffice.
    Agreed.
  • Options
    Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited October 2013
    I would send them a picture of you guys from the wedding and a thank you for joining in our special day note. Thank you's should be from the heart, not mandatory, so if you feel like you should thank them for being there, then do so!
    This is not correct.  While thank-you notes should be from the heart, they are mandatory for gifts.  But when gifts are not given, they can make the recipients feel like the objects of passive-aggressiveness.  That's not appropriate.  The time to thank anyone for attending the wedding is at the wedding itself, not after the fact in a note.
  • Options
    Did you give parent gifts?    If not, I think a photo of you two with his parents and a heartfelt note thanking them for love and support would be very nice.

    It's a bummer if they didn't give ANYTHING (remember, hosting any party or giving a shower gift / engagement gift count) but you'll need to let it go.

    Plus, remember that gifts don't need to be at the wedding.   We received wedding gifts long after the wedding with the latest being a year after the big day.    
  • Options
    If his parents helped pay for anything for the wedding or contributed in other ways, I think a heartfelt thank you note for that would be very appropriate.  Anyone else, you do not need to send a note for coming. If they send something later on, send a thank you note then.
  • Options
    No thank-you cards if you didn't get a gift. You're not being rude, just like they were not rude for not giving you a gift.

    However, with parents, it might be nice to still send them something. Regardless of parental contributions, or grandparental contributions, we're planning on giving our parents and grandparents wedding albums.
    Anniversary
    now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
    image
  • Options
    aimeea1m said:

    My parents were extremely generous and just threw my husband and I really wonderful wedding.  We received a wide range of cards and gifts from most of our guests, based on what people could afford, which is the norm. One thing that was surprising was that a few people did not even give a card (including the groom's mother, groom's father & date, groom's brother & date, and a few others from groom's family).  I know not to expect gifts from anyone, but it was very surprising to me, especially both of his parents (who are very emotional and very family-oriented), not giving cards to wish us well.  In fact, it even feels a little awkward, and I really think it hurt my husband's feelings. 

    Anyway, I came here for answers, since I don't want gossip to get back to my family/friends that I am even in this situation (I'm certain my super traditional parents would feel like it was an insult).  My question is, would you suggest sending them thank you cards just for coming to the wedding?  I don't want to draw attention to the fact that they did not give a card/gift, but it feels strange to not send one.  How should I word it?  I've been searching the boards and other sites and some say that you don't have to give a thank you for guests who don't give a gift or card, since the reception is the thank you.  But would you follow this for the groom's own parents?  I'd really rather send one (though I'm not sure how my groom feels about it yet).  Any advice from those who have been in this situation is appreciated! 

    Ditto PP that a thank you card to H's family is not necessary since they didn't give gifts.

    But why would this concern your family?  Your super traditional family does not need to know that your ILs didn't give you cards or a gift.  It's just something that doesn't need to be shared outside of you and H.  As for your H feeling upset, he's allowed to be.  But also let him know that they don't need to give gifts and as best he can, he should move on from this.
  • Options
    We didn't receive gifts from three people on my husband's side who are very close to him and my parents didn't give us anything...but she did give a card and paid for 90% of the wedding so she still got a thank you.  Don't send thank yous to anyone but his parents and include a framed picture with that.
  • Options
    Thank you all for your input.  I think for his parents we will still send a picture to each of them with a thank you for coming.  @banana, no, they did not contribute to the wedding costs at all, or host a party or give engagement gifts.  Although his mother did come to my shower and gave a small gift afterwards just to me, not to groom.  Of course I already sent her a thank you for that. And you're right, they could still send something (though I doubt it).   

    @oliveoilsmom, it doesn't concern my family, which is why I said I didn't want anyone hearing about it.  My family already doesn't like his for a bunch of other reasons, and I didn't want to add to that.  

    Of course, my husband, who has no concern for etiquette at all, has already told my brother (his best friend and groomsman) all about it.  ::sigh::
  • Options
    I would hold off on the Thank You's for anyone who did not give you gift.  Some people take up to a year to give wedding gifts so I wouldn't worry.  Besides if you get a gift down the line then you send the thank you out. As far as the parents are concerned you can write them a note thanking them for any help they provided durng the wedding process.  Congrats on your marriage and don't sweat it!
  • Options
    Does it really matter if they got you a gift?
    They gave you your groom and new family, remember?
    If they helped you with planning, setup, collecting addresses and RSVPs, lodged extended family, etc, etc, then IMO you still need to send a thank you note for their assistance and support.
  • Options

    A handful of my wedding guests didn't give a card (or gift).  I did write them thank you cards.  They said: "Thank you so much for coming to our wedding and sharing in our happiness that day!  It was great seeing you.", or something like that.  I meant it, I was happy that they'd come.

  • Options
    I would ask the groom what he wants to do.  I also think its sort of strange when people don't even give cards bc I would never go to a wedding empty handed.  Also maybe they just are waiting to give a gift.  If they helped host/plan/support-I would send a thank you card.
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards