I thought eloping was supposed to be less stressful?! *rant*

deannagirly

So, at first my FI and I were planning on having a large wedding. We were going to wait a few years to save up the money so we could afford a nice large wedding on our own. Then, out of the blue, my FI is like well, why not just elope? I mean do you really care about the show, the getting dressed up? Really a marriage isn't as much about you as it is entertaining everybody else. I completely agreed. So, we decided we were going to do a wedding our way. We were going to get dressed up (because that's something I'd miss out of a wedding, plus I already purchased a dress) but we were just going to go to a small chapel and elope, with only a photographer and witnesses. Then we would run around town dressed to the nines to take pictures (because being dressed up so much and running around seems fun to me for whatever reason, probably more fun that getting dressed up to go to a big wedding). Then we were going to host a dinner with family and friends to let everybody know that we got married, and to celebrate.

 

Well now he wants to invite people to the ceremony. His parents, who don't get along. He wants to invite both of them, and they both don't particularly like me. We get along, but they are very passive aggressive people. And I know that they will slow the whole thing down (especially his mom) because they're going to want to get their own pictures with us. I am very close with my mother, like we are best friends. We never went though an "I-hate-you" stage. We've also been very close, but I'm not even inviting her to the ceremony! He isn't even that close to his parents, and he thinks they both should be allowed to come, to a ceremony which was supposed to be completely private.

UUUGGGHHH! What to do? I just don't want the drama that will come with them being there. Should I just hope for the best and let them come (since he already pretty much told them to go ahead and show up) or should I remind him the whole reason we were eloping?

artbyallie

At this point it doesn't sound like you're eloping. It sounds like you're planning a private wedding and a party. He cannot both 'elope' and invite people; that's not how it works. I think you need to sit down again and discuss what both of you really want.

msdds51

I think if it's really important to him that his parents be there, you cannot deny him that.  Reevaluate the "elopement."  It sounds like you'd be better off having both your parents be there for a small private ceremony and maybe do something small with them and then enjoy a nice honeymoon to yourselves.

deannagirly

That's my point. It was his idea to elope. He brought up the elopement, then he started telling people and inviting his parents. We were going to elope. Only the witnesses and a photographer was going to be there. Then we were going to have a party later to tell everybody.

 

But him inviting people kind of kills the whole idea of an elopement. He says it's really important to him that his parents are there. It's just irritating because his parents don't get along, and I don't want them bickering at our, what was supposed to be an elopement, private ceremony. Hopefully they can hold themselves together for that.

climbingsingle

I just went through something very similar with my FI. We agreed to a private ceremony and then he started inviting people we're not even close with! (his sailing buddies. Ugh). I gently reminded him that I'm not inviting my closest friends to the ceremony - there's no way his sailing buddies that I barely know are coming. And when my gentle reminding didn't work, I told him, "Listen, we agreed to a private ceremony. That means us and our parents. THAT'S IT. If you want to invite everyone, we have to completely rethink our ceremony and we won't be able to do it the way you want to." Thankfully, I got through to him. 

msdds51

That's my point. It was his idea to elope. He brought up the elopement, then he started telling people and inviting his parents. We were going to elope. Only the witnesses and a photographer was going to be there. Then we were going to have a party later to tell everybody.

 

But him inviting people kind of kills the whole idea of an elopement. He says it's really important to him that his parents are there. It's just irritating because his parents don't get along, and I don't want them bickering at our, what was supposed to be an elopement, private ceremony. Hopefully they can hold themselves together for that.

 

It sounds like he changed his mind.  Invite both sets of parents.  He's going to resent you if you tell him no on inviting his parents.  It's a little different than saying, "No, we shouldn't invite friends we haven't seen in years, or people we know from the gym."  This is his family. 

princessleia22

kss20 said:

That's my point. It was his idea to elope. He brought up the elopement, then he started telling people and inviting his parents. We were going to elope. Only the witnesses and a photographer was going to be there. Then we were going to have a party later to tell everybody.

 

But him inviting people kind of kills the whole idea of an elopement. He says it's really important to him that his parents are there. It's just irritating because his parents don't get along, and I don't want them bickering at our, what was supposed to be an elopement, private ceremony. Hopefully they can hold themselves together for that.

 

It sounds like he changed his mind.  Invite both sets of parents.  He's going to resent you if you tell him no on inviting his parents.  It's a little different than saying, "No, we shouldn't invite friends we haven't seen in years, or people we know from the gym."  This is his family. 

I agree with kss20.  Before getting engaged, FI and I had talked about running off and getting married in Las Vegas. My mother actually expected that one day she would just get a phone call from me saying I eloped... she never thought I would be the type to have an actual engagment or wedding (honestly, I never pictured it either). But, are both very close to our parents and couldn't image getting married without them there.  Or our siblings. Or his best friend (my best friend married my brother, so she's included in the "siblings" now). Once we realized that we would forever regret not including these few people in our big day, our plans had to change.  So, we are planning a small wedding now... on a cruise ship.  Mostly just family, with a couple very close friends thrown in. Our attending guest list is about 30 people, not too big but it includes our most important people.    We originally had issues with FI trying to informally invite people, mainly just to be polite when they asked about it.  Once we nailed down the plan, with it being a small destination wedding, it made it easier to eliminate people from the guest list and tell them that we are just doing small destination ceremony with only family.  They typically understand that without getting hurt about not being invited.

If it is important to FI that his parents be there, which is totally understandable, then you probably need to change plans to include them or there will likely be a lot of regret & resentment later.  Even if he isn't super close to them, they are still his parents and there is a bond there.  And if you are very close to your mother, you may regret not including her, especially if she ends up hurt by it.  So, maybe plan to have just parents (yours & his) or just immediate family there.  And its your wedding, so you can set your schedule of events for the day.  Invite them to ceremony only if that is what you want.  Maybe schedule in 1/2 hour for family photos, then plan to leave & do your own thing.  Tell them you have other plans, just the two of you (they don't need to know what plans), at a set time and the wedding & family time is from whenever to whenever. There is a way to compromise and keep it small and simple.  And to avoid any annoying requests from parents of "you should do this or that or invite this person", don't tell them you are getting married... just tell them to show up for an event or party that day. 

If

cowgirl8238

nicoann said:

kss20 said:

That's my point. It was his idea to elope. He brought up the elopement, then he started telling people and inviting his parents. We were going to elope. Only the witnesses and a photographer was going to be there. Then we were going to have a party later to tell everybody.

 

But him inviting people kind of kills the whole idea of an elopement. He says it's really important to him that his parents are there. It's just irritating because his parents don't get along, and I don't want them bickering at our, what was supposed to be an elopement, private ceremony. Hopefully they can hold themselves together for that.

 

It sounds like he changed his mind.  Invite both sets of parents.  He's going to resent you if you tell him no on inviting his parents.  It's a little different than saying, "No, we shouldn't invite friends we haven't seen in years, or people we know from the gym."  This is his family. 

I agree with kss20.  Before getting engaged, FI and I had talked about running off and getting married in Las Vegas. My mother actually expected that one day she would just get a phone call from me saying I eloped... she never thought I would be the type to have an actual engagment or wedding (honestly, I never pictured it either). But, are both very close to our parents and couldn't image getting married without them there.  Or our siblings. Or his best friend (my best friend married my brother, so she's included in the "siblings" now). Once we realized that we would forever regret not including these few people in our big day, our plans had to change.  So, we are planning a small wedding now... on a cruise ship.  Mostly just family, with a couple very close friends thrown in. Our attending guest list is about 30 people, not too big but it includes our most important people.    We originally had issues with FI trying to informally invite people, mainly just to be polite when they asked about it.  Once we nailed down the plan, with it being a small destination wedding, it made it easier to eliminate people from the guest list and tell them that we are just doing small destination ceremony with only family.  They typically understand that without getting hurt about not being invited.

If it is important to FI that his parents be there, which is totally understandable, then you probably need to change plans to include them or there will likely be a lot of regret & resentment later.  Even if he isn't super close to them, they are still his parents and there is a bond there.  And if you are very close to your mother, you may regret not including her, especially if she ends up hurt by it.  So, maybe plan to have just parents (yours & his) or just immediate family there.  And its your wedding, so you can set your schedule of events for the day.  Invite them to ceremony only if that is what you want.  Maybe schedule in 1/2 hour for family photos, then plan to leave & do your own thing.  Tell them you have other plans, just the two of you (they don't need to know what plans), at a set time and the wedding & family time is from whenever to whenever. There is a way to compromise and keep it small and simple.  And to avoid any annoying requests from parents of "you should do this or that or invite this person", don't tell them you are getting married... just tell them to show up for an event or party that day. 

If

If you invite the family to the ceremony you should feed them in some way...even it is just cake and punch or a dinner at a resturaunt.  Not sure what the other etiquette gods would have to say but I think at least a dinner out would be in order.

deannagirly

We've agreed on inviting parents. (I'm still not sure if I'm going to invite my father because I'm still hurt by some of his actions, but we have some time to get it figured out.) So it will be his dad, his mom, perhaps his step dad, and my mom and her boyfriend, maybe my dad and his girlfriend. I told FI that the main thing I was worried about is that his parents would slow down the day and not let us go enjoy being a married couple, because they both are very avid photo takers, but we already have a professional photographer at the ceremony, so we don't want to spend a lot of time taking pictures (his mother would come up with about 80 combinations that she needs). So, we've decided that at the dinner we are having later (we are inviting all friends and family to the dinner, it's just a very casual get together) that then will be their time to take pictures, and at the ceremony they will just get hugs and kisses then we'll tell them that we have stuff we have to do and can't wait to see them at dinner that evening where they can get all the pictures their hearts desire.