Opinions on Bridesmaids responsibilities.

APDSS22

Wow.  Ok yeah, when I say I sent texts to my bridesmaid and sister (MOH) with wedding details I mean every month or so, I would have something big to put down a deposit for and I showed them what the venue looked like, what flowers they would be carrying looked like and dress stuff (mostly theirs, not mine).  We text primarily to communicate because we all three live in different states and at least two of us hate talking on the phone.  We sent texts back and forth on other stuff as well, stuff going on with them, tv shows, and cute stuff my dogs did, all the friend stuff.  NOT several times a day being "ZOMG wedding stuff....MEEEEE!!!!"

[Deleted User]

I tried to keep it simple to avoid any ill effects on our friendships. I did have my sister who was my MOH and my mom help me assemble my programs. But they had volunteered to help out with anything I needed and that was the one thing I needed help with. I didn't ask for Bachlorette Party or Bridal Shower, but they decided themselves to throw those for me. What I actually asked of them

• Show up to pick out dress (I bought the dresses for everyone thanks to e-bay once they were picked out & we knew sizes)
• Show up to reheresal if possible
• Show up to church at planned time
• Help me get into my dress (I got dressed at church with the girls). My parents were busy entertaining relatives so to reduce their stress and having extra people around my BM helped me.
• Help me to stay calm so I didn't go into a full blown aniexty attack (ok this sounds worse then it really was but all it was to keep an eye on me & remind me to relax & breath when I looked like I was going to lose it)
• Bustle my dress - I didn't have a Wedding planner and my mom is older and I didn't want to stress her out with the 18 buttons for the bustle so my sister/moh did my bustle

mzbda

I grew up with the impression of what a bridesmaid does and I'm assuming so did everyone else where I'm from. It's just how it goes. 

Mind you, I had a friend who was in a wedding a few years back and was forced to have her hair done in an updo (she paid), had to buy a $350 dress, had to pay towards a hotel suite to stay in the night before and had to pay for the shower. It was all expected and it's funny because the bride is super laid back as a person. I just think that's what people expect when they agree to be a bridesmaid here in Bermuda. 

My friend grumbled and moaned to me, but she would have never said anything to the bride. 

I honestly think bridesmaid "duties" if you will vary by tradition based on where you are from. 

grumbledore

mzbda said:

I'll probably be yelled at.....this isn't necessarily etiquette advice, but I really think the responsibilities vary based on traditions of where you are from.

I would absolutely expect my bridesmaids to be at my shower and bachelorette, unless it was out of town and they couldn't afford it. 

I don't expect them to buy matching shoes, sit and DIY stuff, or pay for hair and makeup. 

It's not based on traditions of where you are from.  It's based on a history of brides being little brats and expecting everyone to bend over backwards for them.

I don't expect my BMs to be there for these things/plan them.  It's entirely possible that they might, and if they do that's awesome.  If they don't, it will hardly be a national tragedy.

STARMOON44

When I'm a bridesmaid, I expect to : go bridal dress shopping if asked, buy a dress and shoes, pay for hair and makeup and nails, pay for an equal share of a reasonable bridal shower, help organize and pay for a bachelorette, talk to the bride about her wedding, maybe go see a vendor with her, show up a day early for the rehersal, and attend the wedding cheerfully.

If I'm not in a position to do this (final exams, finances, frenemies) I decline. I think it's rude for a bride to demand/expect more than the minimum, but those are my personal expectations.

manateehugger

Tradition is not the same as etiquette, however. 

Traditions may be broken. Etiquette - treating your friends and family with courtesy and politeness - should not be broken. I think a lot of brides have come to believe that these traditions mean it's ok to make demands to their friends and family. 

If I have a bachelorette party, I'm fairly positive my bridesmaids will be planning it (because that's tradition). If I don't get a bachlorette party, I wont be angry with my bridesmaids for not spending time and money on me (because that's etiquette). 

ETA: I've also been a bridesmaid 6 times. There are four of those brides who were fantastic and never demanded anything from us except to get a dress and to help her out on her wedding day. Two of those brides sent us lists of requirements and requests for their showers and b-parties (before an offer was made) - guess which brides I was more excited to plan parties for? 

Iloveshanej

KeptInStitches said:

Buy the dress within budget.

Show up on time and sober.

Smile in the photos.

Be pleasant.

Anything they volunteer for above that is on them, and they shouldn't be asked to do that (time / money / parties / what have you). I lost a friendship with a girl I publicly referred to as my sister because she didn't respect my time, money, or feelings when she was getting married (she told me I was the replacement BM months after I accepted, and then what could I do?).

That's crazy and horrible that she did that to you!

My BMs purchased a dress that was $85 total and I'm covering the shoes, hair, makeup and everything else. 

I haven't told her how I feel and probably won't. I know she's not obligated to come and I didn't ask her to, my sister did. It just hurts a little that she won't be there. She sent me a message on FB saying she wasn't going to come to my party because she just didn't want to. If she didn't have the time or money, I would completely understand. My sister is planning it so I'm really not even sure why she messaged me. Oh well, we'll still have a great time! 

Dreamergirl8812

MrsLillyG said:

So there are people that frequent internet wedding forums that respond to strangers often that get annoyed when their real life friends ask WR questions?

The difference is that we can choose which posts are interesting/relevant. I usually don't look at threads that say "squeeeee look at my hair comb!!" and I would be irritated if I was receiving multiple texts a week like that.

One of my BMs is getting married in 4 weeks. If she has questions about how to handle her family (they're crazy), whether she should have a dollar dance, or what color shoes she wants me to wear (I'm her BM too) then I am all ears.

MrsLillyG

Dreamergirl8812 said:

MrsLillyG said:

So there are people that frequent internet wedding forums that respond to strangers often that get annoyed when their real life friends ask WR questions?

The difference is that we can choose which posts are interesting/relevant. I usually don't look at threads that say "squeeeee look at my hair comb!!" and I would be irritated if I was receiving multiple texts a week like that.

One of my BMs is getting married in 4 weeks. If she has questions about how to handle her family (they're crazy), whether she should have a dollar dance, or what color shoes she wants me to wear (I'm her BM too) then I am all ears.

gotcha.

melbelleup

Iloveshanej said:

I haven't asked her to do anything but get fitted for her dress, pay for it and pick it up. She did get fitted and pay for the dress but didn't pick it up and the bridal shop called me the day before it was going to be sent back so my sister (MOH) volunteered to pick it up because she works near the shop. I thought she picked it up. I know life is busy so I haven't asked much of my BMs at all. I didn't have a shower because we have everything and my sister is giving me a bachelorette party. I am a little disappointed that she isn't coming to my bachelorette party or dinner before. I guess when I say she hasn't been supportive, I'm referring to the dress and the bachelorette party. I know the party isn't a must but it still stinks. It's really just me worrying over nothing because we're getting so close but it does show me a little about how our friendship is changing.

Showing support isn't attending parties. The dress thing, maybe she forgot or didn't have time to get it. Did you ask her about it? Did you tell her that you have it? Support is saying congrats and being happy for the wedding. Not about going to every event and smiling.

melbelleup

Iloveshanej said:

KeptInStitches said:

Buy the dress within budget.

Show up on time and sober.

Smile in the photos.

Be pleasant.

Anything they volunteer for above that is on them, and they shouldn't be asked to do that (time / money / parties / what have you). I lost a friendship with a girl I publicly referred to as my sister because she didn't respect my time, money, or feelings when she was getting married (she told me I was the replacement BM months after I accepted, and then what could I do?).

That's crazy and horrible that she did that to you!

My BMs purchased a dress that was $85 total and I'm covering the shoes, hair, makeup and everything else. 

I haven't told her how I feel and probably won't. I know she's not obligated to come and I didn't ask her to, my sister did. It just hurts a little that she won't be there. She sent me a message on FB saying she wasn't going to come to my party because she just didn't want to. If she didn't have the time or money, I would completely understand. My sister is planning it so I'm really not even sure why she messaged me. Oh well, we'll still have a great time! 

There's probably more to this. Maybe your sister asked for something out of it, maybe she really doesn't have the money, maybe she's afraid she wont know anyone, maybe she doesn't want to be the center of attention (next to the bride)

melbelleup

STARMOON44 said:

When I'm a bridesmaid, I expect to : go bridal dress shopping if asked, buy a dress and shoes, pay for hair and makeup and nails, pay for an equal share of a reasonable bridal shower, help organize and pay for a bachelorette, talk to the bride about her wedding, maybe go see a vendor with her, show up a day early for the rehersal, and attend the wedding cheerfully. If I'm not in a position to do this (final exams, finances, frenemies) I decline. I think it's rude for a bride to demand/expect more than the minimum, but those are my personal expectations.

wow. I'm glad my friends don't think the same way you do. I have two BM I know for a fact can't afford to pay for parties, make up, nails and hair. Luckily, they still want to be my BMs because they are my close friends. We all just graduated college, no one is rolling around in dough. That being said, I'm luckily my SIL and my FSIL (marrying my brother) have enough money and my SIL has offered to throw me a party. One of my BMs though did offer to help with the shower, just she can't pitch money. No biggy.

Iloveshanej

melbelleup said:

Iloveshanej said:

KeptInStitches said:

Buy the dress within budget.

Show up on time and sober.

Smile in the photos.

Be pleasant.

Anything they volunteer for above that is on them, and they shouldn't be asked to do that (time / money / parties / what have you). I lost a friendship with a girl I publicly referred to as my sister because she didn't respect my time, money, or feelings when she was getting married (she told me I was the replacement BM months after I accepted, and then what could I do?).

That's crazy and horrible that she did that to you!

My BMs purchased a dress that was $85 total and I'm covering the shoes, hair, makeup and everything else. 

I haven't told her how I feel and probably won't. I know she's not obligated to come and I didn't ask her to, my sister did. It just hurts a little that she won't be there. She sent me a message on FB saying she wasn't going to come to my party because she just didn't want to. If she didn't have the time or money, I would completely understand. My sister is planning it so I'm really not even sure why she messaged me. Oh well, we'll still have a great time! 

There's probably more to this. Maybe your sister asked for something out of it, maybe she really doesn't have the money, maybe she's afraid she wont know anyone, maybe she doesn't want to be the center of attention (next to the bride)

It's not any of the things you mentioned because I asked. I wanted to make sure she was okay. It's just not important to her which I understand, it's not her wedding. Some don't get excited for their friends as much as other. I'm okay with it now after thinking about it. As long as she shows up on time, sober, in her dress and looking presentable, I'll be happy. It just hurt a little but I'm over it now. We'll be friends regardless of the outcome of the bachelorette party.

Iloveshanej

melbelleup said:

Iloveshanej said:

I haven't asked her to do anything but get fitted for her dress, pay for it and pick it up. She did get fitted and pay for the dress but didn't pick it up and the bridal shop called me the day before it was going to be sent back so my sister (MOH) volunteered to pick it up because she works near the shop. I thought she picked it up. I know life is busy so I haven't asked much of my BMs at all. I didn't have a shower because we have everything and my sister is giving me a bachelorette party. I am a little disappointed that she isn't coming to my bachelorette party or dinner before. I guess when I say she hasn't been supportive, I'm referring to the dress and the bachelorette party. I know the party isn't a must but it still stinks. It's really just me worrying over nothing because we're getting so close but it does show me a little about how our friendship is changing.

Showing support isn't attending parties. The dress thing, maybe she forgot or didn't have time to get it. Did you ask her about it? Did you tell her that you have it? Support is saying congrats and being happy for the wedding. Not about going to every event and smiling.

She knew about the dress and just didn't go get it. She didn't forget and she had time, she said she simple didn't feel like going and getting it. She knows my sister picked up the dress because I took it to her already. She hasn't said congrats or really been happy about the wedding. She's been pretty neutral. I think it's just her personality and I'm over it so the situation is resolved. 

katieg520

Iloveshanej said:

I haven't asked her to do anything but get fitted for her dress, pay for it and pick it up. She did get fitted and pay for the dress but didn't pick it up and the bridal shop called me the day before it was going to be sent back so my sister (MOH) volunteered to pick it up because she works near the shop. I thought she picked it up. I know life is busy so I haven't asked much of my BMs at all. I didn't have a shower because we have everything and my sister is giving me a bachelorette party. I am a little disappointed that she isn't coming to my bachelorette party or dinner before. I guess when I say she hasn't been supportive, I'm referring to the dress and the bachelorette party. I know the party isn't a must but it still stinks. It's really just me worrying over nothing because we're getting so close but it does show me a little about how our friendship is changing.

I can so relate!!!!!! But I don't post about it on here because I realize it's different for different people.