Was I wrong?

shoniweaver

My younger sister married back in June--her second wedding and she's only 18. I live almost 200 miles away and need advanced notice to be able to get to my home town for anything. Originally, she planned for a November wedding that would be late on a Friday. While it would be difficult, I could make that. But she suddenly moved it up to June. Thankfully, on a Saturday. I kept those worries to myself.

While planning, she sent pictures of the bridesmaid dresses. My sister is a tiny toothpick of a girl and so are most of her friends. The dress was so short and low cut that everything I have would've been hanging out. According to my mom, I'm "built like a brick house". My nickname in the family is Jessica Rabbit, so it was a lot to be shoving in a dress that looked like some kind of frilly lingerie that a bag of skittles exploded all over. When she asked my opinion, I voiced my concerns about giving the guests a peep-show. She completely flipped out and called me a bitch for it. Eventually, my mom stepped in and she changed it to something that would work for everyone. 

However, I fell and screwed up my knee. I wasn't able to walk for four weeks per doctor's orders, right before her wedding. She again freaked out on me, like I had meant to fall. She informed me that it was just a gravel aisle that I'd be walking...in a pair of stilettos while wearing a huge, bulky knee brace and standing through the entire ceremony. I had to use a cane just to go to my bathroom, but she didn't want the cane to be there. 

Eventually, I asked my mom to have her remove me from the bridal party since I couldn't talk to my sister without a big tantrum and being accused of not loving her or caring about her happiness. I didn't want to take any attention away from her or ruin her wedding in any manner, especially since I knew there would be hell to pay if I did. She's my baby sister, I practically raised her despite there only being a three year difference in our ages, and I wanted her wedding to be perfect. So I asked to bow out as Maid of Honor.  

It's now October and she's working on her second divorce, but she still hasn't let it go. She still throws it in my face every chance she gets, claiming that I don't love her or care about her at all. I was hurting like hell throughout her entire wedding and even helped her get ready, but she insists that I don't care and expected her marriage to fail--not this one, I hoped this one would work out for her. 

In short...Was I wrong to ask to bow out?  Was there another way I should've handled it? I tried hard to support her and help her, even shifting my bills and responsibilities around to help her when she wanted something. I tried to be involved and was until I couldn't take the verbal smackdowns anymore. My mother refuses to get involved. So I want to know if I was truly in the wrong here. Help. Please?

Maggie0829

shoniweaver said:

My younger sister married back in June--her second wedding and she's only 18. I live almost 200 miles away and need advanced notice to be able to get to my home town for anything. Originally, she planned for a November wedding that would be late on a Friday. While it would be difficult, I could make that. But she suddenly moved it up to June. Thankfully, on a Saturday. I kept those worries to myself.

While planning, she sent pictures of the bridesmaid dresses. My sister is a tiny toothpick of a girl and so are most of her friends. The dress was so short and low cut that everything I have would've been hanging out. According to my mom, I'm "built like a brick house". My nickname in the family is Jessica Rabbit, so it was a lot to be shoving in a dress that looked like some kind of frilly lingerie that a bag of skittles exploded all over. When she asked my opinion, I voiced my concerns about giving the guests a peep-show. She completely flipped out and called me a bitch for it. Eventually, my mom stepped in and she changed it to something that would work for everyone. 

However, I fell and screwed up my knee. I wasn't able to walk for four weeks per doctor's orders, right before her wedding. She again freaked out on me, like I had meant to fall. She informed me that it was just a gravel aisle that I'd be walking...in a pair of stilettos while wearing a huge, bulky knee brace and standing through the entire ceremony. I had to use a cane just to go to my bathroom, but she didn't want the cane to be there. 

Eventually, I asked my mom to have her remove me from the bridal party since I couldn't talk to my sister without a big tantrum and being accused of not loving her or caring about her happiness. I didn't want to take any attention away from her or ruin her wedding in any manner, especially since I knew there would be hell to pay if I did. She's my baby sister, I practically raised her despite there only being a three year difference in our ages, and I wanted her wedding to be perfect. So I asked to bow out as Maid of Honor.  

It's now October and she's working on her second divorce, but she still hasn't let it go. She still throws it in my face every chance she gets, claiming that I don't love her or care about her at all. I was hurting like hell throughout her entire wedding and even helped her get ready, but she insists that I don't care and expected her marriage to fail--not this one, I hoped this one would work out for her. 

In short...Was I wrong to ask to bow out?  Was there another way I should've handled it? I tried hard to support her and help her, even shifting my bills and responsibilities around to help her when she wanted something. I tried to be involved and was until I couldn't take the verbal smackdowns anymore. My mother refuses to get involved. So I want to know if I was truly in the wrong here. Help. Please?

You were not wrong to bow out of the bridal party.  I will say, however, that you shouldn't have asked your Mom to do your dirty work.  You should have told your sister yourself that you no longer wanted to be her MOH, and not have your Mom tell her.

I also think it is funny that your Mom doesn't want to get involved but she had no problem getting involved with the dress issue and telling your sister that you didn't want to be a MOH anymore.

I think your sister is incredibly immature and I know that I am being judgmental here but she is 18/19 and has already been through two marriages and two divorces...that to me just screams immaturity.  Immaturity in how to handle relationships, immaturity in rushing into things, immaturity in how to treat her friends and family.

I think at this point you just need to back away and let time work its magic.  Hopefully your sister will eventually grow up and realize that you have been there for her through all of this.

southernbelle0915

It's never wrong to bow out of a wedding if you really feel you need to. I understand you're essentially dealing with a self-centered child (your sister) and thus your mom helped you out with the dress and bowing out. However, I think you should have done it yourself. 

From what you've said, your sister sounds really immature and like she has A LOT of growing up to do. She's clearly not ready for marriage or even mature, reasonable relationships within her family. Many times young, immature people think that "support" and "love" should come in the form of agreeing with them and doing whatever they say to "prove it". Hopefully she grows out of that and stops acting out. If she doesn't, she will continue to have unsuccessful and unfulfilled relationships throughout her life. 

My advice is to continue to show her love and support (the mature way, not the "prove it" way) and help her through this difficult time. My hope for you and for her is that she ends up eventually realizing how her actions effect others and apologizes to you.

OliveOilsMom

I agree with PPs that your sister is immature.  But I also think that you are a little immature too.  You should have been the one who spoke about the dress and dropping out, instead you got your mom involved.  You need to learn how to deal with your sister's behavior.  If she starts throwing a tantrum while you are talking to her, just stop her and say: "Sister, I love you, but I cannot talk to you when you are like this.  Call me back when you have calmed down."  Then hang up the phone or leave!

I don't blame you for dropping out.  Your sister was being a bit ridiculous, especially about you using a cane.  But that is all over now.  She is now going through a divorce and is probably upset.  Which is why she may be focusing her anger on you instead of the divorce or ex-H.

shoniweaver

I tried to talk to her about it, but she hung up on me every time. If she didn't just hang up, she'd throw the phone to my mom and tell her to "deal with me". I tried to leave my mother out of it. Trust me, she was a last resort. I wanted it to stay between the two of us, hoping we could resolve it without turning it into a family affair. 

Despite the fact that my mom is the only one my sister will listen to, I never wanted my mom to do my dirty work, but I couldn't get my sister to talk to me at all. She wouldn't answer my calls or texts. And if she knew I was coming up to visit, she'd make sure to be gone. I thought just not showing up to the wedding and dropping her without any kind of warning would be extremely rude and I didn't want to do that to her. 

southernbelle0915

shoniweaver said:

I tried to talk to her about it, but she hung up on me every time. If she didn't just hang up, she'd throw the phone to my mom and tell her to "deal with me". I tried to leave my mother out of it. Trust me, she was a last resort. I wanted it to stay between the two of us, hoping we could resolve it without turning it into a family affair. 

Despite the fact that my mom is the only one my sister will listen to, I never wanted my mom to do my dirty work, but I couldn't get my sister to talk to me at all. She wouldn't answer my calls or texts. And if she knew I was coming up to visit, she'd make sure to be gone. I thought just not showing up to the wedding and dropping her without any kind of warning would be extremely rude and I didn't want to do that to her. 

Your mom shouldn't even be a "last resort". For either of you. It's causing you both to drag her in when you two don't want to act like adults and deal with each other. 

Your sister sounds like a grade-A brat who has been babied (apparently by your mother) and has never really had to act like an adult because she cries "mom" whenever stuff gets hard. If I had to guess, that's probably also why she already has two failed marriages at the "ripe" age of 18. (What the hell, by the way?)

Stop feeding into your sister's immature, dramatic tantrums and giving her attention when she gives you silent treatment. Write her a letter if she won't talk to you. Tell her you want a relationship with her - she's your sister - and that you love her. Tell her you want to be there for her during this difficult time. Don't call her out for anything or tell her she's a brat - she'll shut down. Just think long term. 

AprilH81

I can't get past the two marriages and divorces at the age of 18.  WTF?

shoniweaver

You're right. I never even considered writing a letter to her. I have apologized to my mom since then for turning to her and dragging her into it. She insists that she didn't mind, but I still felt bad about it. She got to be the MOH once I bowed out. 

As for the two marriages, they never asked my opinion on it--which is probably a good thing as I thought they were insane, but didn't say it. She married at seventeen and left him before she turned eighteen. She started dating this last one, married him, and left him a couple of months ago. She doesn't listen to anyone when she's told that she needs to give it a year or so, not just a few months. It's hard to truly know someone after a few years, much less a few months.

As she told her father when he asked her to wait, it's her life and she'll live it however she wants to without any input from anyone else.    

delujm0

shoniweaver said:

You're right. I never even considered writing a letter to her. I have apologized to my mom since then for turning to her and dragging her into it. She insists that she didn't mind, but I still felt bad about it. She got to be the MOH once I bowed out. 

As for the two marriages, they never asked my opinion on it--which is probably a good thing as I thought they were insane, but didn't say it. She married at seventeen and left him before she turned eighteen. She started dating this last one, married him, and left him a couple of months ago. She doesn't listen to anyone when she's told that she needs to give it a year or so, not just a few months. It's hard to truly know someone after a few years, much less a few months.

As she told her father when he asked her to wait, it's her life and she'll live it however she wants to without any input from anyone else.    

That's all well and good assuming that she's financing her own weddings and divorces.  Please don't tell me that her father has been footing the bill for these annual "i'm in love!" parties she's throwing.  If he wanted her to wait, perhaps a simple "I'm not paying for another wedding for at least 5 years" would have worked.

 

You can either try to fix this now, or give her a few years to grow up - but she's unlikely to mature if her parents are enabling this behavior.  If she doesn't change, i see several more weddings and divorces in her future.

CLI242009

AprilH81 said:

I can't get past the two marriages and divorces at the age of 18.  WTF?

Read all the posts & I agree that this is what keeps looping through my mind.....

shoniweaver If you don't mind me asking, if she married at 17 for her first marriage do you live in a state where she didn't need parental consent? 

Emmy1493

Not trying to be all judgmental but, two divorces at 18? I hope for her sake this one really works out not only for her and her husband to be, but for you two as well. I don't think you were wrong in dropping out, but should have told her personally. 

shoniweaver

No, she had to have consent from both parents. 

mimiphin

 

shoniweaver said:

No, she had to have consent from both parents. 

How old was her first and second husbands? Because I know up here in Canada if he was over age of majority and she was under it would be classified as statutory-rape....

Also I don't think you were wrong in any way to bow out.

CLI242009

mimiphin said:

 

shoniweaver said:

No, she had to have consent from both parents. 

How old was her first and second husbands? Because I know up here in Canada if he was over age of majority and she was under it would be classified as statutory-rape....

Also I don't think you were wrong in any way to bow out.

Not if there's parents consent. I don't know the logistics but with religions they still marry children when they start their cycles. Whether that's 10 or 15, I know girls still get married off. The boy could be 15 and as long as they say it's part of their religion they usually can get away with it. Unfortunately =( 

I know this isn't a religious matter but if they were both under legal age (states have different ages of consent) if both parents signed consent for the marriages than it's not rape. Which is unfortunate too. 

NavyBlue143

Here in the states the age of consent actually varies from 15 (I think)- 18 depending on the state. In Texas and New York it's 17. And also in Texas if there is less than a 3 year age difference, it's not statutory as long as she's over 16.

wilson24019

I think you did the right thing to bow out, but it was risky to have someone tell her for you.  You never know how that other person will say it, and you were not there to explain, answer her questions or defend yourself.  I hope some day she will grow up and understand, but it sounds like she has a long way to go.   .