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Second Weddings

People need to get over it!

katieg520katieg520 member
500 Comments Fourth Anniversary 100 Love Its First Answer
edited October 2013 in Second Weddings
So, this is my second wedding. The first time I was married, I was 22 and got married for all the wrong reasons. We had a child, moved all around the country b/c he's military, got divorced, and now we are here. Well, he and I are the parents of this beautiful little girl. When we first got divorced, I don't think I could have hated another human being more than I hated him. I'm sure some of you can relate to that when going through a divorce.

Well, within six months, his girlfriend had moved in the house we had shared with him, and then they were married. So, I guess I was more than a little pissed, you could say and I wasn't always the best ex-wife, to say the least.

Well, a couple years later I was with someone else and we were both happy in our lives. This man that I was with and had planned to marry passed away. It's funny how even catastrophe and grief can teach you so many things and bring you places emotionally you never thought you'd be. One of the people who was there for me the most was my ex-husband's wife. She talked to me, grieved with me, and listened to me. She was such a good friend and helped me to be a better parent in that time of grief.

After that, we have gotten closer and closer and I consider her one of my best friends. When her husband, my daughter's father, was deployed to Afghanistan, she would come stay with me. She and I talk to each other about everything. When I met the man who I am now engaged to, she was the one who convinced me to give him a chance and not let my past cause me to run away.

Well, the point of my post is this: she is a bridesmaid in my wedding and some people just don't know how to take that. I am so sick of the comments and the weird looks. I get it that it's not usual, but you know, maybe it's not so awful or weird. These people also parent my child. When my child is not with me, she is with them. Isn't it in the best interest of my daughter to have a great relationship with her "other" family. You know, I don't even consider it her "other" family. We are all one big family.

Most recently, my own mother gave me grief for having my exhusband at my wedding. Look, she's gotta get over that. Just because we weren't right for each other doesn't mean he is an awful person. He is my best friend's husband. If she is going to be in my wedding, then of course her husband will be with her. It's not like he is going to be wearing a big sign saying "I was the first husband." The only people who will know him at the wedding are my immediate family and my fiance's parents. Furthermore, their daughter is one of my flower girls. That's my daughter's sister, so I am so happy to include her.

My fiance's mother also just can't wrap her head around it and insists that she and I can't possibly really be friends and that we must both have ulterior motives.
It's getting to be more than a little ridiculous.

My daughter told her grandmother the other day "You know, Nana, I am so glad that we are a big family with so much love and we all get along, I just wish other people would understand us." I wish that too.

ETA: clarity and paragraph breaks.


Re: People need to get over it!

  • photokittyphotokitty where I want to be mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I'm really glad I read this post. I'll admit, when I saw in a post that your ex's wife was in your BP - I was shocked, like =-O totally. But now I understand. People should get over it, yes, but maybe they just need to understand a little better.

    I will play devil's advocate and say your FMIL seems to think the same in regards to who you view males and females being friends. You can't wrap your head around it, but my three best friends are male. Hubs, my brother and my best friend from college and I have no ulterior motive with him (luckily his wife sees that and we are close too).

    Get the nay-sayers around her more. Talk about how great she is. Let them see her as a person and not just you ex's wife.

    Thanks for sharing :-) GL!
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

  • @photokitty I would understand if they had ALWAYS been friends and nothing had ever happened between the two. But some women, I just don't trust.
    As far as my FMIL, she's fifty shades of CRAZY and I just let her think what she wants to think. Who is she to judge? She's been married 4 times for crying out loud! LOL.
    And most people are really really shocked when they ask how we know each other and we say, "Oh, she is married to my daughter's dad, who I happen to have been married to once."
    In fact, she and I both took my daughter to a concert together. While we were standing in line, this lady standing behind us overheard us talking and I guess she figured out who we were because my daughter said, "It's so cool hanging out with both of my moms!" She was flabbergasted as well. But I think it's a great thing because my daughter is so happy. There's nothing I wouldn't do for that child, and because I gave her step-mom a chance, I gained an awesome friend!

  • I applaud you!  If you had met your ex-husband's wife under other circumstances, it's likely you would have become great friends anyway.  We don't get to choose how we meet the people who come into our lives (and I believe they all come in for a reason).  It's great for your daughter that she never feels that she has to choose, or like she's betraying one of you by loving the other, and that you can all do things together.  This is a person who has been a good friend to you, despite how she came into your life.  Everyone else should focus on the good here, because there is so much of it.  
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  • @CTYankeeBride I totally agree. In the beginning, it wasn't this way. I couldn't stand her and I can recall a few conversations where I told her what she could do to herself, lol. Prior to being divorced, I had never been away from my daughter for a whole day before. So I was purely jealous that this woman was spending time with my daughter and I had no control over it. I took a step back one day though and said "If my daughter likes her so much, she can't be all that bad." I can assure you, if my daughter hated her, I'd have never even considered liking her. But then again, if Breanna hated her, then my ex-husband would've never continued the relationship.

    Anyway, I am so thankful for the family cluster we've created. I am so proud of all of us.

  • There is no shortage of screwed up people in this world. What you have is a great friend and support system. What your ex-husband has is a good woman for a wife and great relationship with the mother of his child. What your daughter has is something very few children have in their lives after their parents divorce - a loving family and even more than basic stability, she has love with no strings attached and no drama. It's something else when a child has to say to an adult (paraphrasing): we all love each other, you figure it out! You've explained the dynamics to everyone involved. Now it's time to move forward exactly how you see fit and what is best for your blended family, not your extended family. Every time it gets brought up stick to a simple script: they're coming to the wedding, have you seen any good movies lately? 

  • Love that!!!!! @STBMrsEverhart That will be my response next time!!!

  • I think that all sounds great.  Does it usually work out this way?  No, but if it can, why not?

    It took years for me to look at my XH with anything but disdain, but we're better off now.  We are both with people who are right for us, he has 2 children with his wife and I'm getting married to a man who is 100% right for me.  When we couldn't get along, it was next to impossible to effectively co-parent our daughter.  It was a nightmare.

    Now we live on the same street, we talk regularly and are able to get along.  It's better for everyone. 

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  • Personally, I think that is awesome!!  How amazing is it for your daughter that she has such a great support system and family!  
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