S/O: Which is more offensive?

loca4pook

 

Once again I have the rogue opinion here. While I do agree not giving a thank you note is rude, I wouldn't hold it against the person forever. And I certainly wouldn't be of the mind that I won't give you any further baby gifts, etc. because of it. I think that looks passive aggressive and you'll look like the jerk to the friend for not giving a gift to their baby with no explanation at all. 

Yes, not receiving a thank you note is rude. However, it's much easier for me to believe that it got lost in the mail etc. Besides, I was always taught that a true gift is given with no expectation of anything in return and that includes thank you notes (even though getting a thank you note is the right thing.) I just don't like to hold grudges over petty things. Life is too short for that and I'm not gonna let someone's inconsideration or lack of a thank you card change the person I am. I like to give to people whether they show appreciation or not. So if I give you a gift and you send me a thank you card, I'd be very happy. If you don't send me thank you card, I will remember but that won't stop me from giving other things to you and it certainly won't change the dynamic of our relationship. 

Yes, the "lack of thank you card" person will probably NOT get the connection thus making you ending up looking like the jerk for going to a shower without a gift. ..and chances are, they still won't send thank you cards because they will continue to have NO idea why they didn't get the gift.

NYCBruin

loca4pook said:

 

Once again I have the rogue opinion here. While I do agree not giving a thank you note is rude, I wouldn't hold it against the person forever. And I certainly wouldn't be of the mind that I won't give you any further baby gifts, etc. because of it. I think that looks passive aggressive and you'll look like the jerk to the friend for not giving a gift to their baby with no explanation at all. 

Yes, not receiving a thank you note is rude. However, it's much easier for me to believe that it got lost in the mail etc. Besides, I was always taught that a true gift is given with no expectation of anything in return and that includes thank you notes (even though getting a thank you note is the right thing.) I just don't like to hold grudges over petty things. Life is too short for that and I'm not gonna let someone's inconsideration or lack of a thank you card change the person I am. I like to give to people whether they show appreciation or not. So if I give you a gift and you send me a thank you card, I'd be very happy. If you don't send me thank you card, I will remember but that won't stop me from giving other things to you and it certainly won't change the dynamic of our relationship. 

Yes, the "lack of thank you card" person will probably NOT get the connection thus making you ending up looking like the jerk for going to a shower without a gift. ..and chances are, they still won't send thank you cards because they will continue to have NO idea why they didn't get the gift.

I don't think anyone here who said they would stop giving gifts would go to a shower empty handed.  They would probably graciously decline the shower invite.  I can only speak for myself though.  I would probably stop giving gifts if I gave multiple gifts and never got a TY note.  That means I would decline shower invitations for the person, too.

I wouldn't stop sending gifts to "send the person a message" or "teach them a lesson," it's just that I wouldn't want to spend money and time picking out presents for a person who doesn't seem to appreciate getting them.  

Not giving a gift can only be seen as passive aggressive if you think that gifts are mandatory.  If you don't, how can not giving one be passive aggressive?  The only gift-related scenario I can think of actually being passive aggressive are sending someone an etiquette book or writing a check for an odd (non-round) amount because I would probably assume that you "deducted" money for something (and I would go crazy trying to figure out what it was).

kitty8403

We've attended a surprising number of weddings, in part bc FI is a perennially popular groomsman. We always give something and often volunteer time helping prep or clean up. We rarely receive thank you notes--in person thank yous, perhaps, but not that many notes. The same is true for birthdays, holidays, parties--it feels like a dying art.

HisGirlFriday13

I would never show up to a shower empty-handed (unless I had bought and had had the gift delivered before the shower). But if you don't send me a thank-you note, I will decline any and all future gift-giving occasions in your honour, because I will have learned you are ungrateful and rude by your lack of thank-you note writing. Actions have consequences; the consequences of you being rude and ungrateful are that I will stop being friends with you.

Specifically, the bride for whom I crocheted a full-sized bed blanket and who did not send me a thank-you note had the audacity to (a) invite me to her baby shower which she threw herself and (b) ask that I make her baby a blanket in a specific set of colours and pattern. Hell no.

APDSS22

HisGirlFriday13 said:

I would never show up to a shower empty-handed (unless I had bought and had had the gift delivered before the shower). But if you don't send me a thank-you note, I will decline any and all future gift-giving occasions in your honour, because I will have learned you are ungrateful and rude by your lack of thank-you note writing. Actions have consequences; the consequences of you being rude and ungrateful are that I will stop being friends with you. Specifically, the bride for whom I crocheted a full-sized bed blanket and who did not send me a thank-you note had the audacity to (a) invite me to her baby shower which she threw herself and (b) ask that I make her baby a blanket in a specific set of colours and pattern. Hell no.

That was rather presumptuous of her.  Knowing how long it takes to knit or crochet a full sized bed blanket, I can well imagine how pissed that would make me.  The most I've given is a knit sweater vest and the recipient squeed and ran off to try it on so I felt appropriately appreciated.  If I get some indication of appreciation from the recipient of the gift, I feel a thank you note is superfluous (which works for me as I rarely see them in my circle.)  However, I suppose I'm just easy-going as I did not go through the list of guests to figure out who did not give a gift or a card at our wedding.  I just wrote thank you notes for what we did receive and was grateful that so many people came out to see us get married.  I did, however, almost fall off the couch when we received the stand mixer from someone who couldn't even attend the wedding...that much generosity floored me.

Viczaesar

photokitty said:

Did you give them an Empty card with well wishes? To me that is a gift. Not a gift i send a TY card for, but a gift none the less. On the other hand, i do think there are other reasons than financial or offense. My cousin is always late with wedding gifts - if you get one...my brother is past the one year mark and no gift. I think she's just lazy. I know her etiquette standards are far below those of my immediate family, so i'm confidant none of us offended her and i know she loves us all. She is just too lazy, busy, distracted, or something else to get the gift. I am certainly not suggesting vicz is lazy, just that there could be other reasons.

No, I did not.  I'm not a card person.

eta: I don't have a problem talking about the circumstances if people are interested.  I'm not trying to be deliberately vague, but the circumstances are secondary to the point I'm making.