Just Engaged and Proposals

fMIL and fFIL Hijacking Engagement Party Invitee List

Amyth3stViorAmyth3stVior member
First Comment
edited October 2013 in Just Engaged and Proposals
My fMIL and fFIL are Hijacking the Engagement Party Invitee List. They are demanding that I add some of thier family friends (that They consider family) to the engagement as other friends of the family that we had invited declined. (Today is the RSVP end date, with our follow-up all done tomorrow via phone) I had previously at a luncheon been talking with my mum, and fMIL, and they had between them decided that the invitee list was up to me, as long as it included both his and my sides of the family.

My biggest problem is my fh went behind my back to talk to them about it, and it has all blown up (and way off course), due to the fact, that I wanted ALL of us to have a sit down about it. Not to meantion fMIL practically told this couple and their twin 14yo boys (Who are very obnoxious, and rude to both fh and myself) that we just must have forgotten, and give them the time, date and location of the engagement party.

The other things that is making this such an issue, is the venue (which my mum, dad, and fMIL, and fFIL are all paying for, as far as I know of) only holds 90 people, and our projected attendance rate is sitting at 90... currently we have 62 YES, and 33 No, with a further 28 expected Yes replies, and 33 No replies... However if this Doesn;t happen, and more No's become Yes', then we will be stuck, and causing a fire Hazard.

fh's Mum and Dad say they want them there as they consider them family, and have used the fact that (in the 3 1/2years I have been with fh) have only met them 2ce, so don't really know them. As some sort of Bartering chip, as They now say They don't know everyone on my side of the family. Which is what I thought they whole idea of an engagement party was, so the two sides of the different families could get to know eachother in a relatively informal setting.

Am just wondering with such Tight numbers if my point of having my A-List, which consists of My Family, His Family, and our Combined friends (that we have had close contact with in the last year), and them wanting to invite their family friends (Who are actually on our B-List, as are my old school friends, and his old school friends) Should be loosened on this one occasion, however, If so, please bear in mind that I CANNOT recind any already given invitations (Which leaves me with near 90 invitees who are expected to come)

Help!!!
Frazzled and Annoyed

Re: fMIL and fFIL Hijacking Engagement Party Invitee List

  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes BOS, NYC, DC. Forever a city girl member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    My fMIL and fFIL are Hijacking the Engagement Party Invitee List. They are demanding that I add some of thier family friends (that They consider family) to the engagement as other friends of the family that we had invited declined. (Today is the RSVP end date, with our follow-up all done tomorrow via phone) I had previously at a luncheon been talking with my mum, and fMIL, and they had between them decided that the invitee list was up to me, as long as it included both his and my sides of the family.

    My biggest problem is my fh went behind my back to talk to them about it, and it has all blown up (and way off course), due to the fact, that I wanted ALL of us to have a sit down about it. Not to meantion fMIL practically told this couple and their twin 14yo boys (Who are very obnoxious, and rude to both fh and myself) that we just must have forgotten, and give them the time, date and location of the engagement party.

    The other things that is making this such an issue, is the venue (which my mum, dad, and fMIL, and fFIL are all paying for, as far as I know of) only holds 90 people, and our projected attendance rate is sitting at 90... currently we have 62 YES, and 33 No, with a further 28 expected Yes replies, and 33 No replies... However if this Doesn;t happen, and more No's become Yes', then we will be stuck, and causing a fire Hazard.

    fh's Mum and Dad say they want them there as they consider them family, and have used the fact that (in the 3 1/2years I have been with fh) have only met them 2ce, so don't really know them. As some sort of Bartering chip, as They now say They don't know everyone on my side of the family. Which is what I thought they whole idea of an engagement party was, so the two sides of the different families could get to know eachother in a relatively informal setting.

    Am just wondering with such Tight numbers if my point of having my A-List, which consists of My Family, His Family, and our Combined friends (that we have had close contact with in the last year), and them wanting to invite their family friends (Who are actually on our B-List, as are my old school friends, and his old school friends) Should be loosened on this one occasion, however, If so, please bear in mind that I CANNOT recind any already given invitations (Which leaves me with near 90 invitees who are expected to come)

    Help!!!
    Frazzled and Annoyed

    Your fiance went behind your back?
    doeydo
  • Correct me if I'm wrong but it sounds like you're already inviting over capacity and having a B-list. Both of which you shouldn't have done so that's really more of the problem than your FILS.
    doeydo
  • Yes I understand even without my B-list that we are inviting over capacity (I had a B list which included others we wanted to have IF we were going to end up Under Capacity) , as some family does live overseas (A-list), and some are doctors (Also A-list). so we were going on a 2/3 Accept and 1/3 Decline rate, which has been the case [and takes us to our Capacity]. The biggest problem I have is that, when I told my fiance NOT to talk to them about any of it until I was with him at their place on monday, and he went without telling me (while I was working a night shift), and then proceeded to get really upset that his parents were trying to make him invite these others.

    I have since talked with him, and he understands how and why I wanted us BOTH to go to talk with them. However, now there is still the problem of my fMIL inviting people SHE would like us to have on the list, when she KNOWS we will hit capacity, and I have been nothing but clear about that with her. Doesn't help that fFIL is backing her up on invting these people, as two lots of their other friends declined (which is really to me, beside the point), as most of their actual blood-based family is attending, and is a much bigger side than my side. Makes me feel asthough they just want their friends and family there (at the expense of my actual family not being able to come), But, they already do the whole family and family friends thing at Christmas time anyway... and the Engagement Party supposed to be about his extended family meeting my extended family, and our friends coming to celebrate. fh and I have both been to respective Christmas parties, so have meet all of eachothers extended families. I have no issues with the two parents A & M coming, BUT I don't want these two twin boys to come, and neither does fh, as they will completely mess up the day [they have a habit of being rude, not listening to ANY behavioural requests from elders and stuffing their faces at the Christmas parties]. Unfortunately, as we have others coming with young children and don't want them feeling uncomfotable, or their kids learning bad habits!

    fMIL and fFIL are over-reacting about the fact I asked them on Friday, to wait until Monday night, when I would have an answer from all invitee's

    -sigh-

  • I would ask you FH to please reign in his mother. I know this may sound mean but it is HIS mother and he is the one who talked to her after you expressly told him not to. I would explain to him that this is not going to be possible, and if people she has invited verbally did not recieve a paper invitation explain have her extend the uninvite if these people will put the event past capacity. Especailly since she knew the capacity of the event and the size of the original, formal, guest list. About the two twin boys.... If the end up showing up or being invited, it may just be a point to be rude back and a phone call to their parents explaining expectations for the night, that children are to be well behaved and if they are not yu may be asked to leave. I know it sounds rude but at 14 children should know how to behave in public...
    doeydo
  • 1. Paragraphs are your friend.

    2. Random capitalisation makes your stuff hard to read.

    3. B-lists are rude, don't do them.

    4. If your FH went behind your back, you have a FH problem, not a FILs problem.

    5. Probably most importantly, ANYONE invited to a pre-wedding event, such as an engagement party, MUST BE invited to the wedding as well. So my guess is your FILs are adding all these people because they know that and want you to have to invite them to your wedding.

    Also, if you're at 90-whatever people, you long ago passed the size party where your and his families could get to know each other. If that were your goal, you should have had a smaller party.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I'm sorry but a 90+ person engagement party?  Yeah, I may be judging that but then again I never understand the point of engagement parties in the first place.

    Geesh if planning an engagement party is this difficult, I can only imagine what the wedding planning is going to be like.

  • His family and My family combined is 126 people... if you include just our close friends that we have kept in close contact with within the last year, it takes the numbers to about 250.

    So most of who is coming is family. even at the 90 people mark. :/
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