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Issues with the in-laws

So, I really don't know how to handle this situation.  There are two major issues that we are having with my FI's parents.  First, we wanted a guest list of 75 at most.  We allowed them to invite 5 of their country club friends and they said we need 12.  We had decided that family is much more important than pleasing their social life.  They were ok with our decision once we explained it to them--or so we thought.  Two weeks later, his mom calls us drunk saying that we HAVE to sit down and talk about the guest list again.  We agree to meet them the next day to discuss the list.  Not only did they ask for more people, but they asked for more than 25 EXTRA guests from their group of friends.  There reasoning is that they want to celebrate us (I can guarantee that 95% of them don't know my name).  Our issue is that we are having a backyard wedding and our budget is minimal.  They offered to pay for their extra friends.

Anyways, after an hour of arguing/discussing this, we agree to let his mom invite the rest of their friends.  His dad comes into the room after and is extremely drunk.  He begins to yell at us saying that we BETTER invite the rest of those people.  He then continues to say that he thinks my dad is holding out by not paying for the wedding and kept yelling for me to give him my dad's phone number so he could call him. (we are paying for the entire wedding ourselves, minus their addition friends because we did not fit that into our budget).  I left crying and very hurt by my FIL. 

 

Am I wrong for being extremely offended? Any suggestions on how to address these issues? He is obviously bothered that he is contributing to the wedding (to pay for the extra 30 heads) and my father isnt--but my father is not requesting for 30 people to be added to the guest list.

 

I could use some help! Thanks!

Re: Issues with the in-laws

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    The problem is you already let them contribute for extra people (if I'm reading correctly), so now they probably think they can continue to add more. What does your FI say about this? Is he presenting a united front with you? Maybe he should have to deal with his parents from now on.
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    jrodri8 said:

    So, I really don't know how to handle this situation.  There are two major issues that we are having with my FI's parents.  First, we wanted a guest list of 75 at most.  We allowed them to invite 5 of their country club friends and they said we need 12.  We had decided that family is much more important than pleasing their social life.  They were ok with our decision once we explained it to them--or so we thought.  Two weeks later, his mom calls us drunk saying that we HAVE to sit down and talk about the guest list again.  We agree to meet them the next day to discuss the list.  Not only did they ask for more people, but they asked for more than 25 EXTRA guests from their group of friends.  There reasoning is that they want to celebrate us (I can guarantee that 95% of them don't know my name).  Our issue is that we are having a backyard wedding and our budget is minimal.  They offered to pay for their extra friends.

    Anyways, after an hour of arguing/discussing this, we agree to let his mom invite the rest of their friends.  His dad comes into the room after and is extremely drunk.  He begins to yell at us saying that we BETTER invite the rest of those people.  He then continues to say that he thinks my dad is holding out by not paying for the wedding and kept yelling for me to give him my dad's phone number so he could call him. (we are paying for the entire wedding ourselves, minus their addition friends because we did not fit that into our budget).  I left crying and very hurt by my FIL. 

     

    Am I wrong for being extremely offended? Any suggestions on how to address these issues? He is obviously bothered that he is contributing to the wedding (to pay for the extra 30 heads) and my father isnt--but my father is not requesting for 30 people to be added to the guest list.

     

    I could use some help! Thanks!

    The key here is that your FI must deal with his own parents. You need to stay 100% out of it.

    FI should tell his parents that there is only room for xnumber of their friends and that they should please provide addresses by xdate. If they insist beyond all reasoning for more guests, FI must request payment UP FRONT or you will never see it.

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    The thing I find most troubling about this post is that your fiance didn't stand up to his parents for what you had already agreed upon and wanted as a couple for your wedding together.

    Have invitations or STDs gone out? If not, I would talk to your fiance to consider whether to rescind the offer you extended out of their bullying. It seems like you were bullied into while they were intoxicated, putting you in a bad position

    Do not discuss your wedding finances with your father in law. It is none of his business. If you continue to all his friends to attend, then I seriously would request his contribution in advance. Otherwise, he may bully you into a situation where you are stuck with the tab for his friends.

    What does your fiance feel about all of this? Is he upset?
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    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.
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    Holy crap! Sorry this happened to you, I would be 100% upset.

    Actually, I would considering rescinding the agreement to invite those 30 guests based on FFILs angry display- I would have FI tell them exactly why.

    I also agree that you should not be dealing with FFIL and FMIL, that is for your FI to deal with. He needs to stick up for you (I hope he did or you've got bigger issues!) and he needs to create a united front and deal with his family, not you. 

    Anytime you accept money you are giving over a bit of the control. I agree that if they want extra guests they should pay for them (take into account not just dinner, but any extra tables, linens, centerpieces, invitations and favours that are also associated with increasing the guest list) but only if you are truly agreeable to it.... and they are not bullying you.

    If you and FI are paying for it all, then it is your wedding to decide who will be invited. FI needs to tell them this.

    Also, do NOT give them your dad's number. That is such an antiquated thought that the bride's family pays for the wedding. I agree- any financial matters are none of their concern so don't even bring it up with the in laws.

    Good luck to you. 
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    I agree with PPs. You should never have given in to your FILs demands about adding additional guests, even if they're willing to pay for them. Now that you have, they're going to expect they can get drunk, call you, and bully you into doing whatever they want.

    I also want to know -- where was your FI in all of this? As his father was, per your account, SCREAMING at you, where was he? Because if he wasn't in his father's face, telling him to back the eff off, you have a FI problem as well as a FIL problem.
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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
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    Take into account that he was drunk not that it excuses  his behavior.   I hope your fiance can and will stand up for you.  Thats very important.
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    annathy03annathy03 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited October 2013
    The thing I find most troubling about this post is that your fiance didn't stand up to his parents for what you had already agreed upon and wanted as a couple for your wedding together.

    Have invitations or STDs gone out? If not, I would talk to your fiance to consider whether to rescind the offer you extended out of their bullying. It seems like you were bullied into while they were intoxicated, putting you in a bad position

    Do not discuss your wedding finances with your father in law. It is none of his business. If you continue to all his friends to attend, then I seriously would request his contribution in advance. Otherwise, he may bully you into a situation where you are stuck with the tab for his friends.

    What does your fiance feel about all of this? Is he upset?
    This.  You don't yell at me and then get to invite 30 guests that weren't on the list, regardless of if you are willing to pay for them.  Whatever you decide, FI should be the one to talk to them and while he's at it, needs to add that yelling at his future WIFE is inexcusable and will absolutely not be tolerated.

    ETA: typo
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    Umm, yeah. Your IL's are acting nuts. The ONLY reason they are paying towards it is because they requested that you invite their guests. IMO it was extremely rude of them to get that upset and contact you drunk, none other. When you agreed to let them invite the guest as long as they help pay for it (Assuming that $$ goes towards the guests food/drinks, etc)Then you have a right to ask them to chip in. If your parents are not requesting the same, why should they pay?

    In addition, I would not give into anymore of their demands given the results of this situation. If you and your FI are paying for your wedding, you both have all the say. Not FIL's, parents, and anyone who is not contributing financially. Also, if FIL's happen to ask about wedding stuff, bean dip them. You do not owe them any details or explanations other than "Must know" details like the date, place, time, etc. Hope it gets better in the long run, OP. GL!
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    First things first, I am so sorry that you had to go through this.  What your in-laws did was completely unacceptable!  I really feel for you if this is the way they treat you. Given your situation and their behaviour I would take back the offer to host their friends and stand firm.  They sound like the type of people who if you give an inch will take a mile. Letting them add guests now might lead to them bullying you into other crazy demnads later on. 

    Finally I would read and re-read what MuppetOverlord had to say.  Both of her posts are spot on and she is absolutely correct that you need to sit down and have a talk with your FI too!  Good luck and I hope this all gets better for you.

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    Thank you all for your input! I'm young (22) and so it can be a little more difficult dealing with them sometimes.  My FI was wonderful through the whole thing. He can be quick to forgive but he has explained to his parents that it was unacceptable to treat me that way.  He explained to them that I am the one that they should be apologizing to. 

    I'm am still just so hurt and offended.  We are meeting with them tonight to discuss what the plan is going forward.  I think it would be appropriate for us to not allow them the extra invites.  I'm not sure how it will all play out but I'm hoping there will be no inmature outbursts this time.  We are more than willing to walk away and just celebrate without them--we do not want to start out marraige off in this environment.

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    @jrodri8 - I wish you luck tonight but if they do start yelling or bullying you into anything, you and your FI should excuse yourself from the conversation until they can be civil again.

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    How often do your FILs drink?  If your FILs always seem to give you problems when they have been drinking, I would begin to refuse to see them if they even had just one drink. 
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    @jrodri8 - that sucks. I have no real advice, but here's a virtual *hug* from a stranger on the internet who hopes it gets better -QUICK! Hang in there!
    GL! :)
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

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    Good luck to you and your FI!

    I think if they start bullying or yelling that I, and FI, would just leave and go home. End of conversation if they can't talk to you like adults. 
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    @jrodri8 How did it go?
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    Yeah how did it go?

    I would've forgone the meeting and just given the update that the invitations are rescinded.
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    You'll never be subject to a cash bar, gap, potluck wedding, or b-list if you marry a Muppet Overlord.
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