How to approach my SIL

mkgbts83

Hi Ladies, 

I am thinking WAY ahead of time since my wedding is not until Fall 2015, but this has ALREADY been weighing on me. 

I have two sister in laws who have both been in my life since I was 12 years old. I am very close with one, but not the other. Before getting engaged I remember being all confident that I would approach the one I am not close with very directly and straight out ask her if she really cared about being in the wedding, but now I am getting gun shy. 

Any advice on how to approach this situation? My family is typically very traditional, so both my brothers would be in my FH's grooms party as well. I keep going back and forth with ideas, such as perhaps my brothers can walk me down the aisle (my father has passed) rather than being in the groomsmen so that could eliminate having to have my SILs? but then it makes me sad not to have the SIL I am close with... even though she is very cool and it wouldn't bother her if she wasn't. 

On a brighter twist, how did some of you ladies invite your BM's? any fun ideas?   I don't plan on asking until next fall I just like thinking about it!  

mrsbizzz

mkgbts83 said:

Hi Ladies, 

I am thinking WAY ahead of time since my wedding is not until Fall 2015, but this has ALREADY been weighing on me. 

I have two sister in laws who have both been in my life since I was 12 years old. I am very close with one, but not the other. Before getting engaged I remember being all confident that I would approach the one I am not close with very directly and straight out ask her if she really cared about being in the wedding, but now I am getting gun shy. 

Any advice on how to approach this situation? My family is typically very traditional, so both my brothers would be in my FH's grooms party as well. I keep going back and forth with ideas, such as perhaps my brothers can walk me down the aisle (my father has passed) rather than being in the groomsmen so that could eliminate having to have my SILs? but then it makes me sad not to have the SIL I am close with... even though she is very cool and it wouldn't bother her if she wasn't. 

On a brighter twist, how did some of you ladies invite your BM's? any fun ideas?   I don't plan on asking until next fall I just like thinking about it!  

Do not do the bolded. It puts your SIL in a very awkward position and makes you look bad. Basically the approach means that if the answer is yes, you will put her in even though you don't want her there and if it is no, there will likely be tension between you.

I would say this is an all-or-nothing situation. Either you put both of them in or neither of them. I had the same issue with my two FSILs. I love one of them, but the other has been horrible to me for the entirety of our seven year relationship. I opted to have neither of them stand up for me (also partly because I wanted a small party and had already settled on my sister and two best friends).

It sounds - at least to me - like you should offer to have both of them in if your wedding party because your brother's will be standing up for your FI. Who knows, maybe the sister you don't like will decline, but even if she doesn't I think you will find it is no skin off your back and it will keep the family peace.

Maggie0829

Ask who you want to be in your wedding party.  

DO NOT tell people that they are not in the wedding party or ask if they care if they are not in the wedding party.

I do not agree with PP on this being an all or nothing situation.  It isn't.  You ask who you would like to stand up with you on your wedding day and your FI does the same.  Just because both your brothers may be in the wedding party does not mean that both of your SILs have to be as well.  That is just ridiculous.

southernbelle0915

Thankfully since your wedding is in the Fall of 2015, you don't have to worry about this for over a year. The typical timeframe for asking people to be in your wedding is about 10 months prior to the wedding. That'll mean about January 2015 for you. 

See how your relationship develops between now and then. You have a ton of time to think about it. Don't feel rushed.

itzMS

It's not required to have siblings (or siblings-in-law) in your wedding party. So you're in the clear!

Ask whomever you'd like in a year. No need to do anything creative or offer explaination to those you do not ask.

Jen4948

drmrs2014 said:

mkgbts83 said:

Hi Ladies, 

I am thinking WAY ahead of time since my wedding is not until Fall 2015, but this has ALREADY been weighing on me. 

I have two sister in laws who have both been in my life since I was 12 years old. I am very close with one, but not the other. Before getting engaged I remember being all confident that I would approach the one I am not close with very directly and straight out ask her if she really cared about being in the wedding, but now I am getting gun shy. 

Any advice on how to approach this situation? My family is typically very traditional, so both my brothers would be in my FH's grooms party as well. I keep going back and forth with ideas, such as perhaps my brothers can walk me down the aisle (my father has passed) rather than being in the groomsmen so that could eliminate having to have my SILs? but then it makes me sad not to have the SIL I am close with... even though she is very cool and it wouldn't bother her if she wasn't. 

On a brighter twist, how did some of you ladies invite your BM's? any fun ideas?   I don't plan on asking until next fall I just like thinking about it!  

Do not do the bolded. It puts your SIL in a very awkward position and makes you look bad. Basically the approach means that if the answer is yes, you will put her in even though you don't want her there and if it is no, there will likely be tension between you.

I would say this is an all-or-nothing situation. Either you put both of them in or neither of them. I had the same issue with my two FSILs. I love one of them, but the other has been horrible to me for the entirety of our seven year relationship. I opted to have neither of them stand up for me (also partly because I wanted a small party and had already settled on my sister and two best friends).

It sounds - at least to me - like you should offer to have both of them in if your wedding party because your brother's will be standing up for your FI. Who knows, maybe the sister you don't like will decline, but even if she doesn't I think you will find it is no skin off your back and it will keep the family peace.

I disagree with this.  If the OP is not close to one of her SILs, that SIL should not be in the wedding party.  As has been noted elsewhere, the choice of attendants should be made based on who one is closest to, not on the basis of threatened hurt feelings-nor in circles.  Nobody has a Deity-given right to be in someone else's wedding party just because a relative to the same degree is.  The family members concerned need to wear their big-person underwear and grow up and understand that rather than having snits about her being excluded.

mrsbizzz

I retract my previous comment mostly because it was made based on personal experience. In my situation (which sounds a lot like the OP's) the damage to the relationship between my FI's family and myself would have been enormous had I not had BOTH of his sisters in my wedding party. Justified or not, I am certain I would have incurred the rath of my FMIL/FFIL had I only asked one of their daughters to stand up for me.

Sorry for projecting!

Maggie0829

drmrs2014 said:

I retract my previous comment mostly because it was made based on personal experience. In my situation (which sounds a lot like the OP's) the damage to the relationship between my FI's family and myself would have been enormous had I not had BOTH of his sisters in my wedding party. Justified or not, I am certain I would have incurred the rath of my FMIL/FFIL had I only asked one of their daughters to stand up for me.

Sorry for projecting!

I just think that is horrible of your in-laws to do that to you.

I also don't get people being hurt by not being in a wedding.  Whenever I am not asked to be in a wedding I do a little happy dance because the bride has just saved me a crap ton of money and time.

mrsbizzz

@maggie0829 - they are otherwise incredible people and have been so good to me. However, when it comes to the daughters, everything changes. They've gotten over their daughters not being in the wedding party, but it took about six months.

 

erinlin25

1) are your brothers close to your FI?  He should get to pick his GM, just like you should pick your BMs.

2) no one should force you to ask SIL.  Most likely if you guys are not close she may not care that she is not in it.  If you are friendly, then I would ask to be nice.  But if you do not get along it seems random to include her.

3) I have 2 brothers--one is close to my husband, one is not.  One of my brothers was a GM, the other was a happy guest.  I included my husbands sister since she expressed wanting to be in the wedding party and while we were not best friends we were friendly so it was not random that I asked her.  She came to my bridal shower but I think because her mom made her (she left after lunch to go study in the car). She did not come to the bachelorette party.  totally fine and expected.  She was happy on the wedding day and never rude to me so all was good.  

4) Sides do not need to be even so if you want to ask to be traditional or not cause drama, ask.  But maybe she will decline, and that is fine. again sides do not need to be even. 

hikebikebemerry

I feel like it's best to do what makes you happy, while respecting everyone else's feelings.  The SIL that you aren't as close with is quite likely aware that you're not that close, and might not even be surprised by not being asked.

It is tough- I am just starting to look at my wedding party, and I'm not particularly close with my FI's sister (and for religious reasons, I am not sure if she will be attending the ceremony due to her personal religious beliefs; which is totally cool, I respect her right to do what makes her happy) but I want to reach out and have her in the WP, without making her feel obligated or uncomfortable. OI! Good luck!!

wyrugrats

I encountered this yesterday with one of my SIL's. I have already decided upon my wedding party and even "cleared" it with my fiancé. He said nothing about wanting to include the SIL in question. Everything seemed great and ready to roll. Then last night, the SIL texts me from out of town (like cross country) and first says, "My mom wants to be a bridesmaid!" I simply replied I had chosen my girls already. The next text from her was, "But I'm one of them right?" I have yet to reply. I asked my fiancé how to approach this sister. It's not that I don't like her, but I went the route of picking girls that have special meaning to me and are uber important. This SIL is just a friend, nothing stands out about our relationship. The original plan was to ask her to do a reading in Spanish (having a bilingual ceremony).

But... my fiancé turns this around and says, "Well if she wants to be one, why not?" It's not that I'm anti it 100%, but 1. she doesn't fall into the ways I picked my girls (only 4 - trying to keep it small) and 2. as said in previous posts, I think it's kind of rude to assume you will be part of the WP and to ask to be in the WP...

 

Yes, one of my other SIL's was asked.