Wedding Planning is a Nightmare!

jessieloowho

My fiance and I are planning our wedding as a couple, so any ideas I come up with are yes or no'd by him. I truly love my future in laws and can't wait to be a part of their family. I ask for opinions constantly to make my FMIL feel included, & I am given negative feedback on nearly any idea thrown her way. That's frustrating!
Due to part of my family's rocky history & the rest of the familys deep religious beliefs (not to mention, the cost), we decided to not even entertain the idea of alcohol at the reception. Everything was fine until we received a call stating that we needed to be accomodating to everyone and that my FH's family was extremely unhappy with our decision. We were told that family views didn't matter & that we should rethink serving alcohol to our guests because they would not be able to enjoy themselves. My family is in the ministry and would be very unlikely to accept this. How do I apease both families? I'm ready to say," no wedding, let's elope!"

melbelleup

Ok. First. Stop running ideas by your FMIL. Show her the finish product if you feel like you must include her, even this could be bad for you. I send my FMIL pictures of things after they're done (ring bearer pillow, my shoes, my dress, card box etc) She doesn't really get a say, but she says they're amazing, she loves them etc. If you and FI don't want to do alcohol, just say that you both agreed that you would prefer it to be a dry wedding and end it at that. FI should be the one to discuss it since it's his family. People can have plenty of fun at a dry wedding so don't give up on the idea of a dry wedding.

doeydo

I agree with melbelleup.  Stop asking your FMIL for her opinion on things.  As for the alcohol thing, it is you and your FI's choice whether to have it or not.  If your FILs say "Well, we can't enjoy ourselves without alcohol!" you and your FI could reply saying "I'm sorry you feel that way.  It is what we have decided to do at our wedding and we hope you will still come" then change the subject.

kimmieryan0406

My FH is a PK (Pastor's Kid) and none of his family drinks. Although I am very religious, my family is not. Since my parents are paying for the reception, I requested that we offer something tasty for the non-drinkers. We also requested that the open bar be restricted to a few hours instead of all night. Both families were very pleased with this agreement.

That being said, if your FH's family is helping pay for the wedding, then I would strike a deal to make everyone happy. Hopefully everyone is mature enough to negotiate in a way that creates balance and contentment. If they aren't paying for anything, it's not their choice it's yours and if you don't want alcohol then that's how it has to be.

I also agree...if people can't be pleasant about the choices you want to make for your wedding, don't ask them. I love my mother and grandmother dearly but their opinions nearly ruined my wedding experience in the beginning. I'm 3 weeks away from getting married (yay!) and I have stopped asking and I just show them what I have done. Amazing that once you've already picked out and paid for something how nice and accommodating they are. I haven't heard a negative comment since.

Don't get frustrated! People forget what weddings are about and get selfish. Just remember that at the end of it all, you will be married and isn't that the whole point of this anyways? Chin up and smile, it's gonna be okay!

princessleia22

It really should come down to what you and your fiance want... with an opinion from whoever is paying.  If his family can't have a good time without alcohol, maybe they have a problem.  Ultimately, though, its your wedding and your choice.  Too many people seem to forget what a wedding is about.

Although, if you want to be accommodating to everyone, maybe there is a way to compromise.  I like kimmieryan0406's idea about limited bar, instead of all night.  Maybe offer alcohol during cocktail hour before reception, but have a dry reception? Maybe offer limited alcohol choices of just champagne & wine?  I think my brother just had 2 varieties of beer and champagne at his wedding, then several non-alcoholic choices, instead of full liquor bar and that went over just fine (and there are some heavy drinkers in our family).  Or if you are worried about people overdrinking, maybe put a 1 or 2 drink limit on the alcohol, although many would think that is due to cost and probably consider it tacky.  But, there are ways to compromise and not make it the focus of the party.  Or you could always tell people it is a dry wedding, but they are welcome to stay home or even bring their own adult beverages if they prefer.

CLI242009

scribe95 said:

I mean they go to other places with alcohol - restaurants, baseball games etc. - so why not your daughter's wedding?

Not sure if her parents are paying for it, but if they are then I can see why this would make them uncomfortable. If his parents were contributing then they should find a middle ground, but if they are not then her parents have the say if they are paying.


if neither parents are contributing, then doeydo has a point and a good suggestion. FI & you have to be on the same page and it should be him letting his family know that this is what BOTH of you wanted. I never understand WHY the bride gets contacted for almost everything, especially by relatives that she might not even know o.O!!!

SlothGoals

nicoann said:

It really should come down to what you and your fiance want... with an opinion from whoever is paying.  If his family can't have a good time without alcohol, maybe they have a problem.  Ultimately, though, its your wedding and your choice.  Too many people seem to forget what a wedding is about.

Although, if you want to be accommodating to everyone, maybe there is a way to compromise.  I like kimmieryan0406's idea about limited bar, instead of all night.  Maybe offer alcohol during cocktail hour before reception, but have a dry reception? Maybe offer limited alcohol choices of just champagne & wine?  I think my brother just had 2 varieties of beer and champagne at his wedding, then several non-alcoholic choices, instead of full liquor bar and that went over just fine (and there are some heavy drinkers in our family).  Or if you are worried about people overdrinking, maybe put a 1 or 2 drink limit on the alcohol, although many would think that is due to cost and probably consider it tacky.  But, there are ways to compromise and not make it the focus of the party.  Or you could always tell people it is a dry wedding, but they are welcome to stay home or even bring their own adult beverages if they prefer.

The bolded are not a good ideas, OP.

Stop asking for your FMIL's opinions on everything, it's the only way to completely avoid her shooting them all down. If you and your FI are paying for this whole thing then it is completely within your purview to do things as you please.

When my FI and I decided not to have a late night sweet table (a big no-no in his family) we didn't say anything to anyone about it. When FMIL asked us about the late-night offering we told her and when she pitched a fit ("But you HAVE to have one, it's tradition!") FI told her it's not her decision to make or her money to spend.

lauralee1723

nicoann said:

It really should come down to what you and your fiance want... with an opinion from whoever is paying.  If his family can't have a good time without alcohol, maybe they have a problem.  Ultimately, though, its your wedding and your choice.  Too many people seem to forget what a wedding is about.

Although, if you want to be accommodating to everyone, maybe there is a way to compromise.  I like kimmieryan0406's idea about limited bar, instead of all night.  Maybe offer alcohol during cocktail hour before reception, but have a dry reception? Maybe offer limited alcohol choices of just champagne & wine?  I think my brother just had 2 varieties of beer and champagne at his wedding, then several non-alcoholic choices, instead of full liquor bar and that went over just fine (and there are some heavy drinkers in our family).  Or if you are worried about people overdrinking, maybe put a 1 or 2 drink limit on the alcohol, although many would think that is due to cost and probably consider it tacky.  But, there are ways to compromise and not make it the focus of the party.  Or you could always tell people it is a dry wedding, but they are welcome to stay home or even bring their own adult beverages if they prefer.

Definitely don't do this. Some venues probably won't even allow this, and it might get your wedding shut down.

jessieloowho

Thanks for all of your opinions! My mom and I are paying for the wedding, so I feel that I need to respect her opinion & not have alcohol, as I had thought of doing just a cash bar during picture time that would close for the reception. My FMIL offered to pay for bar, but they're very wealthy and we're not, & it almost came off as an insult. I want to start my marriage off right and make sure that my in-laws and I continue to get along, but it seems as though neither families want to compromise. I may just have to have my fiance to fight this battle with his family and let them know it is our decision and no one else's?

SlothGoals

jessieloowho said:

Thanks for all of your opinions! My mom and I are paying for the wedding, so I feel that I need to respect her opinion & not have alcohol, as I had thought of doing just a cash bar during picture time that would close for the reception. My FMIL offered to pay for bar, but they're very wealthy and we're not, & it almost came off as an insult. I want to start my marriage off right and make sure that my in-laws and I continue to get along, but it seems as though neither families want to compromise. I may just have to have my fiance to fight this battle with his family and let them know it is our decision and no one else's?

Cash bars are rude, your guests should not have to open their wallets for any reason at your wedding. Having a dry reception is perfectly acceptable. Could you talk to your mother about having a limited bar where you serve only beer and wine? Even Jesus drank wine; hell he even turned water into wine!

Your FI should always be the one dealing with his family. From here on out he should be the one telling them about your joint decisions and making it clear that you are a united front (as opposed to you making all the decisions and he is just going along with them). 

annathy03

jessieloowho said:

Thanks for all of your opinions! My mom and I are paying for the wedding, so I feel that I need to respect her opinion & not have alcohol, as I had thought of doing just a cash bar during picture time that would close for the reception. My FMIL offered to pay for bar, but they're very wealthy and we're not, & it almost came off as an insult. I want to start my marriage off right and make sure that my in-laws and I continue to get along, but it seems as though neither families want to compromise. I may just have to have my fiance to fight this battle with his family and let them know it is our decision and no one else's?

Don't do a cash bar, but you are well within your rights to have a dry wedding. If you and FI are looking for a compromise letting your FILs host beer and wine instead of a full bar might work, but if you two don't want alcohol, don't have it.

APDSS22

Please don't have a cash bar, OP, you will more than likely offend at least some of your guests that do want alcohol by making them pull out their wallets.  If you and your FI don't want alcohol, you do not need to have it.  Simply stay firm in that decision and stop discussing it with your FILs.  You might look into a limited alcohol selection like just beer and wine if you're feeling a little more flexible.  This is what my husband and I did for our wedding and everyone was well satisfied.