Second Weddings

Planning a Marriage

Hi Everyone,

As a second-time bride I decided to post this here - I'm not sure where else it would go. 
I was just looking for a discussion board that would focus more on planning for a happy and successful marriage than planning for a wedding - and I was disappointed that I couldn't find one!  There are discussion groups here for every single detail that goes into the "perfect" wedding, but the topic of a happy or successful marriage seems to get glossed over.  I did find a board on relationships and married life, but that took me over to "The Nest" - implying that a successful marriage is something that starts after the wedding and not something to think about during wedding planning. 

What are some of the things that you think are helpful while planning for a successful and happy marriage?  Are there any concerns that you have (that go beyond picking the perfect flower, color, or theme)?
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Re: Planning a Marriage

  • MikesAngieMikesAngie member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    edited October 2013
    This is a good topic for this board.

    Planning for a successful marriage to me means, knowing myself and loving me for me.  We all have a past and it did aid in defining who we were/are.  Accepting yourself will make it easier to accept others.  We all have faults and flaws, (except may be Right1 she always has the best answers), learning to except yourself is important. 

    Communication that is open and honest is also very important, a lot of small issues can be resolved if there is good communication  before it becomes a battle.  Good communication means not only voicing your opinion or side but also listening to your partner in a receptive way. 

    The art of compromise, a good marriage isn't when one person is always getting their way. It's when both people are working toward the common good of the relationship and understand that there will always be give and take. 

    The night before our wedding I broke down and sobbed in my DH's arms over the fear of failing him, since my track record with relationships wasn't the greatest.  Granted my x's weren't exactly prince charming material and had a lot of their own short comings - but I was more concerned about not being the wife my DH deserves... With his love and support I am that wife, and he with me is that husband.  Together we work but that is because we accept ourselves and each other, have great communication and know how to compromise. 

    ETA: Mutual respect is another healthy key element, it shows in how you communicate, accept the other person in your life and treat them. 
  • Angie - you are too funny!  Believe me I have flaws.  The opportunity to ponder & edit before hitting post would be pretty useful IRL!

    Emily - this IS the right place, having spent 9 years reading this board, I have seen such good job, marriage, parenting, elder care and plain life advice shared here.  The school of hard knocks has made so many of the women here wiser. 

    So here's my take.  Physical attributes attract us, but compatible value systems make us want to stay together.  While opposites may attract, if the couple differs too widely in what each holds as ideals, it will be a very challenging match.  It can be done, but only with the sincere compromise Angie mentioned. So a saver and a spender can stay together, but they have to negotiate specifics on how each of them will handle money.  When it comes to values such as honesty, charity, integrity, fidelity and others like it,  I am in doubt that opposites can stay together and be happy.

    I agree with Angie that each has to be loving & accepting of themselves.  Figuring out the role that you played in the demise of previous relationships makes a big difference.  Someone who can only see their ex-partners faults hasn't accepted responsibility for their own, and learned the valuable lessons embedded in that oh so painful time.   By the same token, I worry when new partners are jealous of old loves, and ex spouses.  The ability to realize & accept that the person who now loves you once loved someone else enough to marry them, and to acknowledge that there were happy times that can & should be remembered fondly demonstrates  a level of maturity that makes a marriage work. 

    I think that parenting step children and sharing decision making with someone who is not a biological parent is probably the absolute hardest part of encore relationships.  Not so challenging when kids are already adult (although not a piece of cake), but when you are struggling through raising them, whether rebellious, affectionate, cooperative or defiant - this will rock your relationship.  Good ground rules, united public front (even if all out war breaks out behind the scenes) and RESPECT are key.  This is why I cringe at family ceremonies.  It takes a very long time to build a family, and, in my humble opinion - those ceremonies minimize the work that has to happen. 

    I've been second married 7+ years now.  Sometimes my heart still gets that happy flutter when I see him across a room.  I like him, I respect him, I value him.  I thank God every day that we found each other.  He can bug me, annoy me and outright tick me off, of course.  I feel blessed. 

    1) One flaw - verbosity

    2) TL:DR  -- shared values, learn life's lessons & apply them, kids are hard. 



  • Kids are hard, life is hard!!! Everything is hard!!!! If I remember correctly marriage number 1, before the wedding it was easy to overlook all the flaws and imperfections because of the fun of the wedding. Then it was easy to overlook everything because we wanted a baby, and then I was pregnant!!!! It wasn't until everything died down that I was like oh SHIT! Ya know? So I'm making sure that my FI and I are ready, that we're realistic and not caught up in the wedding. We're also getting counseling.
  • Things were a little bit different for me.  I didn't want to get married the first time, I feel like I was emotionally blackmailed into going through with it (by the exH).  We were living really far away from all of our family and friends at the time, so I think that made it easier for him to convince me that getting married was the right thing for us. 

    It wasn't until about a year into the marriage when a friend of mine moved out near us, that I actually got the courage to leave.  We had no children, no pets, didn't even own a home, and we each had separate cars, so the divorce was actually really easy. 

    I know that I am a much stronger person now, and I'm definitely not in an abusive relationship this time around, but still, based on that past experience, I'm a little nervous about marriage. 

    I don't want this post to be misinterpreted at all - I have no reservations about marrying FI and I am confident that our relationship is strong and will last. 

    I agree with @clairekundinger - once I decided to ignore my cold feet and actually marry my ExH, I got so wrapped up in wedding planning that I didn't really think about all the reasons not to get married. 
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