VENT: I would really like to smack my FI over the head right now

didalittlejig · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_vent-would-really-like-smack-fi-over-head-right-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:6b5788fc-7418-43b7-a3c3-edca2eb82ccdPost:e81782b6-0a7f-41aa-8043-1ad2fbb3681a">Re: VENT: I would really like to smack my FI over the head right now</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: VENT: I would really like to smack my FI over the head right now : Huh... I didn't realize it was all one word. There ya go. And, I'm pretty innocuous and enjoy flying under the radar. I wouldn't make an AE because in the end everyone would be like "who made the AE? Who the hell is Joy??" :)
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

<div>I really groove on the word "innocuous". It sounds like it could be some kind of disease but it's an awesome word all around!</div>

rachel_elizabeth1124 · July 2010

There are red flags all over this post. Seriously. Before you even go into counseling, you need to have a sit down with your FI and let him know how you feel. Don't blind side him at counseling with these feelings and issues. Your parents are being very generous and it is silly that he flipped out. Seriously, get help or get out while you still can!

andy71781 · July 2010

I think counseling will really help. If my FI did that to me I'd be calling vendors to tell them that the wedding was cancelled.

didalittlejig · July 2010

I don't know. I didn't read absolutely everything so I apologize if this has been said, but I don't think you can really assume that all the money is shared money unless that has been clearly defined - especially since you're not married yet.

I think in this circumstance, since you take care of your home and his child, it might be a good starting point to do some research into the cost of childcare for the number of hours per week that FI works. Then you can say "FI, I feel like our money situation is causing tension in our relationship. I don't want to have to ask permission for every small spending decision I make, because it makes me feel childish and I want us to have a more equal partnership. Right now, I consider my job to care for your son during the day, and that work has a market value of $$$ per week, which is money that we would not have if I did not stay home with Stepson. Can we agree that I can make spending decisions up to that amount without needing to consult you? If not, I would like to get a job so that I have some control over finances, in which case, we need to look for childcare."

ETA: I'm not sure what kind of skill level you have in the workplace, but you might remind him that unless you make more per hour than childcare costs, it's basically a wash and maybe even more of a drain on your finances for you to work (unless you can land a good-paying job).

skippylouwho · July 2010

Sarah "I agree. Now that my parents are paying the budget we have an extra grand that we can use towards the wedding or whatever we want to . I mean he goes ut to lunch almost ever day for work but I can't spend some for a thank you for my parents ."

That is what everyone is tring to get through to you. You are 23 years old - no one should be removing money from your purse or anywhere else you have.

You DO work, you may not have a paying job outside the home but you run the home, you take care of his son. That is WORK - all of it.

in your counseling if you don't bring up money issues and control issues you are most likely in to a very miserable life - unless you like being squashed like a bug.

hugz415 · July 2010

Getting annoyed over $40 for lunch = small picture
Lifetime of having to ask for money and him getting mad at every penny you spend = BIG PICTURE

missy68 · July 2010

And by the way - one word of advice - do not blindly trust your bills to him for payment. And that goes for any partner in a relationship. If he's paying all the bills, including yours, you need to see proof that those bills are getting paid, at the very least.

I am not trying to slam you or your FI - I don't know either of you. However, if I knew in the beginning how lackadasical my ex-H was going to be about paying the bills on time (and I was the one making the money; he was too busy taking new jobs and quitting them) I would never, ever have turned control over to him AND I would have had my own separate account from the get-go. He did it, but I let him. I learned the lesson the hard way (and others, like you don't have to be hit to be abused). I don't want you to go through that too.

BecW2be · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_vent-would-really-like-smack-fi-over-head-right-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:6b5788fc-7418-43b7-a3c3-edca2eb82ccdPost:ed3c3bdf-9459-4252-b871-8ba8bb5f3ca5">Re: VENT: I would really like to smack my FI over the head right now</a>:
[QUOTE]I think counseling will really help. If my FI did that to me I'd be calling vendors to tell them that the wedding was cancelled.
Posted by andy71781[/QUOTE]

Or at the very least postponed until his hands can be re-attached and healed after he jerked money out of my wallet to prove his wittle point.

redheadfsu · July 2010

OP, I see HUGE red flags here. He is telling you he does not respect or trust you. You two might want to postpone until he gets his anger/ controlling issues under control. Remember abusive situations develop over time. Please seek major counselling.

Now we don't know your whole backstory, but I don't get the vibe that you have racked up tons of debt & he is helping you by limiting your spending type of thing.
Acting like he did, even if there is debt is super controlling. Taking money out of your wallet is demeaning. If you have any money issues you work together & budget together.

sarah42nd · July 2010

ol Thanks ghirls for the suggestions.

Well I talked to him last night . Here's a little back story on where the "extra" money came from . My FI does roofs ( roofing) on the side . No he usually doesn't have to get on the roof to do it himself. He has guys for that . He usually finds people that need roofs and then he has a contractor who is licenesed and all . Then he gets like a finders fee from whatever profit the contractor gets . The last two times it has been over $1500.

So where he got this money was from was from a roof . He has been talking to the guy for awhile about getting a new roof . The guy worked at AutoZone , so its not like FI went out of his way to talk to this guy . FI is at AuoiZone all the time. Well he finally retired so he got his roof doen and thats where the money came from .

Well my FI told me he wasn't mad about the money spent . He said he wouldn't of cared if I told him that I spent the money on lunch . But that he was mad because it took him a while to get the money and if it was his work paycheck he wouldn't of cared . I guess he basically saying it took him forever to get this cash and met more to him then just his paycheck .

sarah42nd · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_vent-would-really-like-smack-fi-over-head-right-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:6b5788fc-7418-43b7-a3c3-edca2eb82ccdPost:2ec01b12-2022-4ed7-8852-234893e881ab">Re: VENT: I would really like to smack my FI over the head right now</a>:
[QUOTE]And by the way - one word of advice - do not blindly trust your bills to him for payment. And that goes for any partner in a relationship. If he's paying all the bills, including yours, you need to see proof that those bills are getting paid, at the very least. I am not trying to slam you or your FI - I don't know either of you. However, if I knew in the beginning how lackadasical my ex-H was going to be about paying the bills on time (and I was the one making the money; he was too busy taking new jobs and quitting them) I would never, ever have turned control over to him AND I would have had my own separate account from the get-go. He did it, but I let him. I learned the lesson the hard way (and others, like you don't have to be hit to be abused). I don't want you to go through that too.
Posted by missy68[/QUOTE]

I handle most payment . I tell him XXX needs to be in the bank and then I make him write the checks(Mortgage , Cell , Trash , etc ) out and I take them and send them out or we have them directly taken out of his account(FPL, Cable) . Soon we will have an account together to access so we can pay the bills .

sarah42nd · July 2010

I am defiantly going to be bring up a few issues in counseling . Yeah its our religious based counseling

polichik · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_vent-would-really-like-smack-fi-over-head-right-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:6b5788fc-7418-43b7-a3c3-edca2eb82ccdPost:d7f859e8-3955-43a6-8d60-ff68397b0e96">Re: VENT: I would really like to smack my FI over the head right now</a>:
[QUOTE]I am defiantly going to be bring up a few issues in counseling . Yeah its our religious based counseling
Posted by sarah42nd[/QUOTE]

Some religious-based conseling can be wonderful, but other forms of it may not address the huge power imbalance in your relationship. I'd still recommend intense therapy from a marital and family therapist. I don't at all want to knock religious-based conseling, but I've had far too many married couples come into my office and explain that their pre-marital counseling through their place of worship didn't address much beyond "When do you want kids? What religion do you want them raised?, etc."

You've got deeper stuff here, and it worried me. I hope it concerns you as well.

BecW2be · July 2010

Poli is very wise. And pretty.

sarah42nd · July 2010

Yeah I agree.Thanks Polichik. I am going to see how this counseling goes and then deside if we need more. I have talked to a few people who have gone thru this one and they said it cover all sorts of stuff and issues and you can bring your own up. So I have to see how it goes . Thanks .

polichik · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_vent-would-really-like-smack-fi-over-head-right-now?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:6b5788fc-7418-43b7-a3c3-edca2eb82ccdPost:60401b99-5311-4aef-b1b4-805fb16bd046">Re: VENT: I would really like to smack my FI over the head right now</a>:
[QUOTE]Poli is very wise. And pretty.
Posted by BecW2be[/QUOTE]

<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-embarassed.gif" border="0" alt="Embarassed" title="Embarassed" /><img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-kiss.gif" border="0" alt="Kiss" title="Kiss" /><img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-innocent.gif" border="0" alt="Innocent" title="Innocent" /><img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-cool.gif" border="0" alt="Cool" title="Cool" />

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