fiance wants me to abandon maiden name :(

GoodLuckBear14 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_fiance-wants-me-to-abandon-maiden-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:cf95da4b-391e-4818-9441-053b8a300a98Post:7e3734fc-178a-4aaa-a9eb-2b2636aa7ff0">Re: fiance wants me to abandon maiden name :(</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: fiance wants me to abandon maiden name :( : I think she could do whatever she wants! And I don't recall ever saying the OP wasn't compromising. In one of my earlier posts I said, "There should be a compromise, and the OP and her FI need to work that out." OP offered her compromise, now the FI needs to step up and offer his.....and that's what they need to work out. Please read my posts before accusing me of being ridicoulous for something I never said.
Posted by JoanE2012[/QUOTE]

And my repsonse to that post was what compromise would you advise because she is willing to take his name but keep hers in some way but he is insisting on her getting rid of her name all together. You never once offered a suggestion, just platitudes.

And as someone who actually is married, I can tell you that there are times when compromise is not a possibility and someone has to give in. That is reality and in this case, it should be her FI who realizes he needs to back down for all of the reasons everyone else on this thread gave.

JoanE2012 · May 2012

This is what I said just a few posts up:

"There should be a compromise, and the OP and her FI need to work that out." OP offered her compromise, now the FI needs to step up and offer his.....and that's what they need to work out."

The bolded part acknowledges that the OP gave her compromise. NOW THE FI HAS TO GIVE HIS, WHICH WOULD HAVE TO BE ONE OF OPTIONS THE OP GAVE HIM.

Which compromise works best for them is going to be up to the FI and OP to work out. All we know is he will have to compromise and pick one of hers suggestions.

Seriously folks, is it really that hard to comprehend? Are you really reading my posts or just jumping the gun and posting to cause drama?

GoodLuckBear14 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_fiance-wants-me-to-abandon-maiden-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:cf95da4b-391e-4818-9441-053b8a300a98Post:b5d59f02-aa97-423b-96a6-6891d6f04149">Re: fiance wants me to abandon maiden name :(</a>:
[QUOTE]This is what I said just a few posts up: "There should be a compromise, and the OP and her FI need to work that out." OP offered her compromise, now the FI needs to step up and offer his .....and that's what they need to work out." The bolded part acknowledges that the OP gave her compromise. NOW THE FI HAS TO GIVE HIS, WHICH WOULD HAVE TO BE ONE OF OPTIONS THE OP GAVE HIM. Which compromise works best for them is going to be up to the FI and OP to work out. All we know is he will have to compromise and pick one of hers suggestions. Seriously folks, is it really that hard to comprehend? Are you really reading my posts or just jumping the gun and posting to cause drama?
Posted by JoanE2012[/QUOTE]

Joan, you are still missing the point entirely that OP's FI is turning this into a situation where one of them has to back down. Is this a hill worth him dying on? No, he'd be an idiot if this was a dealbreaker for him. Your previous post asking OP if she was willing to break up over this put the responsibility on the wrong person - he is the one who would be breaking this off, not her. Your lecture that marriage is about compromise does not take into account that OP cannot compromise any more otherwise she is giving in. Your post saying that he will have to compromise and pick one of her suggestions does not take into account that this is not a compromise, it is him backing down.

I will also point out that it is highly unilkely that this many people on this many different threads and on different boards are misinterpreting what you are saying in every last one of your posts.

jemmini6 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_fiance-wants-me-to-abandon-maiden-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:cf95da4b-391e-4818-9441-053b8a300a98Post:b1c022fe-30ed-4df3-916b-cedd49d8ba60">Re: fiance wants me to abandon maiden name :(</a>:
[QUOTE]When I say identity I mean who you are on the inside, what makes you YOU...what makes you tick, what makes you successful, what makes you a great mother, what makes you a best friend, what makes you a loving wife.....none of that stuff changes (or at least I would hope not!) if you change your name. If I decide to change my name, nothing about me personally will change. I would still be the same person I was yesterday, just with a different last name. And no, I don't put "so much stock into other people's names".I don't give a rat's a** what anyone does with their name. I just didn't understand why people thought that their last name defined who they were. I backed up my opinion with the paragraph above. JUST MY OPINION. You don't have to agree with it.
Posted by JoanE2012[/QUOTE]

By saying "it's sad", you are judging how they feel about it. It's YOUR opinion that your identity isn't defined by your name, that's perfectly fine for you. But just because other's feel differently, doesn't mean "it's sad", it means they have a different opinion that YOU don't have to agree with. Seems you need to heed your own advice on this.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_fiance-wants-me-to-abandon-maiden-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:cf95da4b-391e-4818-9441-053b8a300a98Post:295f56ea-3661-4355-ba52-2070f7984867">Re: fiance wants me to abandon maiden name :(</a>:
[QUOTE]What you choose to do is entirely up to you. Some perspective: changing your name is NOT "losing your identity." You will always be YOU no matter what name you use. I changed my name for my first marriage. It took some time to get used to, but it was still me. With my second husband, I'm planning on doing First Maiden Last (and ditching my old middle name, which I never used for anything), because I'm older and am professionally established with my maiden name. But you don't have to be "professionally established" to have a connection to your maiden name -- your reasons (family history and heritage) as just as valid. The bottom line is that it's your name and it's your decision. I don't understand why he has a problem with you taking his last name, but using your maiden name as your middle name (or even second middle name?). He IS being stubborn. Honestly, I would have reservations about marrying someone who is so controlling over an issue like a name, especially when I think you've come up with some great compromises, and he won't even contemplate the notion of meeting you half-way.
Posted by Avion22[/QUOTE]

I actually tie my identity greatly to my very ethnic, very unusual last name. I would feel like I was losing a big part of myself to lose it, just as much as I would if I was forced to change my first name to Jane. So I don't appreciate the insinuation that it's silly to think that way. Everyone has a different opinion on the name issue, sometimes strong opinions. I could go on for paragraphs (and have) about why I wanted to keep my name. Suffice it to say, this is one reason. And it's valid, even if not everyone feels the same.

And like Schatzi, I decided loooong before I was "of marriage age" or met my husband to keep my last name IF I ever married. I was floored when a few years later a friend asked me, "but what if you marry so-and-so?" (my boyfriend at the time). Um, what if I do? It doesn't matter WHO I marry or what his name is, because it's not about picking what I like best.

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_fiance-wants-me-to-abandon-maiden-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:cf95da4b-391e-4818-9441-053b8a300a98Post:65a76a24-68ce-4e36-931a-1a2bd46d3b0e">fiance wants me to abandon maiden name :(</a>:
[QUOTE] My fiance says it is disrespectful. I could see if I wanted to keep my name and not use his at all, but that's not the case.
Posted by aro1589[/QUOTE]

Honey, no. Even keeping your own last name is not "disrespectful." Ever. This is exactly how the conversation went between me and my now-husband: Him: "So, are you going to change your last name?" Me: "No." Him: "Okay."

Why? Because it's not his name. And while I love him and respect his opinion, really, what I am called legally or socially is none of his business. I often say that he decided to keep his name too - after all, he has 4 (2 middles). Hyphenating would have been hard for him.

CEMurphy04 · May 2012

I love that this thread got so big because I am in a very similar situatiion. I will be going from a Murphy to being an Iacianci (good luck pronouncing that let alone spelling it!) My fiance found out I wanted to hyphinate and he was obviously bothered so I will most likely take some of the knotties advice and make Murphy my middle name (as my current middle name has no significance as far as family history or meaning.) Murphy is who I am. I'm Irish, I love my family, I'm proud to be a Murphy. I know a lot of you feel the same way about your last name!

vantica · May 2012

Also, you don't have to drop your current middle name. You can keep it and add another one. I mean, my mother had 3 middle names. She only used one regularly, but her birth cert had 3 and it's not like it caused any problems.

I am also considering keeping my last name and just adding it to a middle name. My FI is Filipino and he has the tradition that a PP mentioned....making the maiden name a middle name that all their kids have too. I am tempted to keep that up even though I am not Filipino. So I think it's a very viable option for anyone else, and maybe it'll make your parents happier as then you wouldn't be getting rid of a name they gave you.

rosedewolf · May 2012

i know a lot of people have said things. i am not telling u what to do. my fiance and i had a conversation and he told me he saw it as a he wasnt good enough if i didnt take his name. or there was something srong if i didnt like his name. with me im only hesitent cuz i cant spell it in cursive but thats a persnal issue.
if i were to give advice i would simply say this is something u need to approach in the sense of "honey, why are u so into me taking your last name and look at it in a information gathering not a u r stupid and i dont care

DramaGeek · May 2012

Personally, it would be a deal breaker for me, but that's just me. You have to decide how important keeping your name is to you, to what lengths you're willing to go. Someone asked if it'd be worth ending the engagement, and I can absolutely say YES to that - for myself. Everyone is different, only you know how important it is to you.

Lisa50 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_fiance-wants-me-to-abandon-maiden-name?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:cf95da4b-391e-4818-9441-053b8a300a98Post:6c1ed379-6030-48b8-9560-a3373a1af134">Re: fiance wants me to abandon maiden name :( esponse to the original post</a>:
[QUOTE]i know a lot of people have said things. i am not telling u what to do. my fiance and i had a conversation and he told me he saw it as a he wasnt good enough if i didnt take his name. or there was something srong if i didnt like his name. with me im only hesitent cuz i cant spell it in cursive but thats a persnal issue. if i were to give advice i would simply say this is something u need to approach in the sense of "honey, why are u so into me taking your last name and look at it in a information gathering not a u r stupid and i dont care
Posted by rosedewolf[/QUOTE]

Your FI might have some confidence issues. Just sayin' ...

Oosah · July 2012

You know...my sister's middle name was an important name handed down from mother to first-born daughter, so my sister decided to keep all of her names. It went like this: First Name, Middle Name, Maiden Name, Fiance's Last Name. If they're all important to you, just keep them all. There's nothing wrong with that Either. And when she signed her name, she simply used the initials of her middle and maiden names.

fiance wants me to abandon maiden name :(

Re: fiance wants me to abandon maiden name :(

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