BioDad and His Family Issues

jlweston13 · January 2013

I'm conflicted on if I should invite my Biological Father along with his side of the family to my wedding. Let me explain why this is such a hassle to deal with a briefly as I can. My mom and biodad married young, got pregnant young, and my Biodad left my mom before I was even born. My mom then remarried the man I call Dad when I was 5 and he raised me as his own. We are very close and I have never needed my Biodad in my life due to my Dad. And because of him I have 2 amazing sisters (one older/ one younger) and an awesome younger brother. My Dad has always raised me as his own, I've never felt like they were his kids, and I was my Mom's. We've always been a close family. He will be walking me down the isle and sharing the Father/Daughter dance with me. My Fiance and My Dad are very close.

My Biodad was never in my life; I met him once when I was 10, and then didn't start establishing a relationship until I was 19 and it was only because my half-sister persued me online. I flew out to TX to meet BioDad, StepMom and my 2 younger sisters at 19. At 21 I decided to move to TX to build a better relationship with all of them to only be moving myself back home to MD 6 months later due to a lot of immature actions from my StepMom.
Since I have moved back home I have not once talked to my StepMom, i can count the amount of times on 1 hand that i have talked to my BioDad, but I talk to one of my sisters 2-3 times a week and My youngest sister and I text quite often. I am 25 now.
My BioDad has visited MD on several occassions in those 4 years and I have only seen him once and it was a my cousins wedding. He stood me up right after the wedding and then came to visit my aunt for Xmas and never once reached out to me.
I have to initiate any contact in our relationship, and I have made all the effort. I made many sacrifices to build a bond with BioDad and he makes no effort at all.

SO... The issue boils down to: I dont want to invite my BioDad or my StepMom to my wedding, but i do want my youngest sister to attend my wedding. She will be only 16 when my wedding comes around and ultimatly I will need her father's permission to be here. The Middle sister agrees that I shouldnt invite her parents and has also agreed to help bring our younger sister with her. My Fiance will support me in any decision that is made but he Honestly doesnt want any one expcept my sister present at our weddinf from my BioDad's side of the family. So i need opinions on how to address this with BioDad and then as well with his sisters/my aunts.

Again I have moments where I am clsoe to my Aunts, they were a little more consistant in being in my life, but then again they always side with my BioDad and cast me out as the black sheep in order to keep him around more. I don't know if I should be inviting them or not. And i know not inviting BioDad will cause some sort of family drama within his side of the family.

I have no idea how to handle all this, there are so many possibilites, but in the end all I really want/need for my wedding is for my youngest sister to be there and share those memories with her. And as much as i would like for some of my aunts and cousins to come, if its going to cause drama for my BioDad/ their brother to not be there then i don't need any of them. How do i talk to them about all of this so we have minimal damage.

misssunshine17 · January 2013

This may sound harsh, but I would forget about BioDad. He's shown no interest and you don't need that heartbreak.

How do you think he'll take it if you only invite the sister? If you think he'll flip out, honestly, it doesn't sound like it's worth it.

s-aries8990 · January 2013

I think that if you have the room, it isn't a bad idea to invite him as a guest. An invite is not a summons and as he has shown little interest in you since you were born, there is a chance that he might decline. If you want your sisters to be there, I think that this is the best way. You don't have to invite the aunts if you don't want to, but I think it would be nice.

BUT, it is ultimately your decision.

gmcr78 · January 2013

I agree with PP. Your bio dad and most of his family don't seem too engaged in the possibility of a relationship with you. Does the middle sister live away from your dad? Maybe you can send her an invitation with her name and the younger sister's name on it. That way if she's allowed to go, she can come with the middle sister.
Other than that, I don't really see any other option. I think it would be weird to send an invitation to your 16 year old sister and not her parents, who she lives with, even though I understand your reasoning.
Since her age is a factor, maybe it's not so easy to establish a closer relationship with her now, but in a couple of years she'll be able to make those decisions on her own.
Good luck to you.

jenajjthr · January 2013

OP we have very similar stories and similar feelings about our biodad. The only difference is now my biodad is pushing really hard for a daddy-daughter relationship.

I ended up giving my biodad an invitation to my wedding (no younger siblings from him). You have more to consider than I did. You will be having your Dad walk you down the aisle and having a father-daughter dance with him. The question to ask yourself is "Will biodad create a scene or cause me stress about this?" If the answer is yes, then don't invite him. He hasn't earned the honor to do either one and you don't want/need the stress if he will be bothered by it. If you don't think he will be bothered by it, then it is a nice gesture since you definitely want you little sister there.

I tried very hard for many years to get my biodad to care. For years I felt horrible because my "Dad" didn't want to have a relationship with me. It took a long time to accept that it wasn't about me, but his choices. It sounds like you are there, or close to it. It's okay if you don't want him there. But it's also okay to show a little kindness and have him there as well. I don't regret inviting my biodad. We talked, he got a pic, he left happy. I got a dance with my stepdad (not a father-daughter dance) and I was happy.

jlweston13 · January 2013

Thank all of you for your imput. I know ultimatly it is my choice and mine alone but all of your responses have definatly helped ease my mind some on the situation.
I recently tried reaching out to my Aunts to gauge their reactions and feelings on the matter, but as before I haven't recieved any word back via email, phone call or text which is also helping me decide in how to proceed.

Again Thank You All for all of your responses, any other advice is greatly appreciated!!

jlweston13 · January 2013

GMCR78: In a response to some questions about my sisters; Yes I have had conversations with my middle sister about her bringing our younger sister with her since she and her husband will be attending the wedding, and she has no problem what-so-ever in having her come with them. So sending two invitations to my middle sister's house addressed individually to each sister is no issue. The issue i getting permission for her to come if I so choose to not invite Their Parents.

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_biodad-and-his-family-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:d01a2de0-f9da-4409-91d4-b5ab395fe17aPost:04bc5b20-bc30-49b2-83cb-b61c9eda330b">Re: BioDad and His Family Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree with PP. Your bio dad and most of his family don't seem too engaged in the possibility of a relationship with you. Does the middle sister live away from your dad? Maybe you can send her an invitation with her name and the younger sister's name on it. That way if she's allowed to go, she can come with the middle sister. Other than that, I don't really see any other option. I think it would be weird to send an invitation to your 16 year old sister and not her parents, who she lives with, even though I understand your reasoning. Since her age is a factor, maybe it's not so easy to establish a closer relationship with her now, but in a couple of years she'll be able to make those decisions on her own. Good luck to you.
Posted by gmcr78[/QUOTE]

BioDad and His Family Issues

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