FI wanting to call all the shots

stephdonjon · July 2010

Sometimes I consider myself lucky to have a FI who actually wants to help with the wedding planning, and other times it's like, "holy groomzilla, I get a say in this, too." We were just casually talking about ceremony stuff on the phone today and FI said his ideal ceremony would be very in-and-out; we walk in, officiant says some words, we say our I-do's, boom we're done. And I'm like, whoa, if we're paying this venue $850, I want to use it for more than 10 minutes. Also, I've been looking into things like the unity sand ceremony and I really like it and wanted to run it by him. And I had hoped we'd at least do a reading or something, and then his little sister could do it, so she's part of the wedding since my sister's a BM.
After painting his bleak ceremony vision for me, he said, "Now I mean, if there's anything you'd like to do, just let me know and we can do it," I couldn't help but feel stupid being like, "Well, there's this thing with sand..." I just feel like my ideas are being shot down before I even voice them.

Has anyone else felt this way? Or are you all just way way gutsier than me? He's just so super opinionated and I've never been good about speaking up. How do I let him know what's important to me?

zitiqueen · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_fi-wanting-call-shots?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:06894fe1-d59b-4667-961c-0be4db68a445Post:23ead579-5fdf-4486-bf66-d61bce535ed6">FI wanting to call all the shots</a>:
[QUOTE]Sometimes I consider myself lucky to have a FI who actually wants to help with the wedding planning, and other times it's like, "holy groomzilla, I get a say in this, too." We were just casually talking about ceremony stuff on the phone today and FI said his ideal ceremony would be very in-and-out; we walk in, officiant says some words, we say our I-do's, boom we're done. And I'm like, whoa, if we're paying this venue $850, I want to use it for more than 10 minutes. Also, I've been looking into things like the unity sand ceremony and I really like it and wanted to run it by him. And I had hoped we'd at least do a reading or something , and then his little sister could do it, so she's part of the wedding since my sister's a BM. After painting his bleak ceremony vision for me, he said, "Now I mean, if there's anything you'd like to do, just let me know and we can do it," I couldn't help but feel stupid being like, "Well, there's this thing with sand..." I just feel like my ideas are being shot down before I even voice them. Has anyone else felt this way? Or are you all just way way gutsier than me? He's just so super opinionated and I've never been good about speaking up. How do I let him know what's important to me?
Posted by stephdonjon[/QUOTE]

Yeah, you really need to figure this out now. Being too scared to communicate with the man with whom you plan to spend the rest of your life -- and over something as insignificant as sand (in the grand scheme of things) -- is a huge red flag.

stephdonjon · July 2010

Yeah, I've actually just been talking to him about it and he had no idea I felt overridden. Which again, was my fault for not letting him know. I can't expect him to read my mind, even though he's pretty good at it. This is definitely one of those its-not-you-its-me things. I'm like this with my parents as well. But I feel much better after having talked to him.

jenn.daniel · July 2010

He probably has no clue that's he's taken over everything. Sounds like my FFIL. Tell him want you want to tell, him, then remind him 5 minutes into conversation after he's obviously forgotten what you told him. Repeat as necessary.

tenofcups4me · July 2010

It does sound like it's part on an ongoing issue that's probably part you, part him. In either case, just as I don't think the bride should get to do everything her way, I also don't think the groom should.

Maybe it would be best to plan a time when you can both sit and outline each of your visions for the wedding. Make it an actual "date" or "meeting" when you both know ahead of time this is what you're going to and maybe even set some groundrules -- you talk first (or he does) and the other can't interrupt till the end. Once you each know what the other is thinking, you can figure out how to compromise from there.

jmkes · July 2010

You should use this as a learning experience for later on in your marriage. Something bigger than the ceremony will come up one day (buying a house for example) and you want to feel confident in discussing your true feelings with your husband. If you are hesitant to talk to him now it won't get much better down the road. Kudos for going to him and telling him how you feel. I bet he's glad you were honest with him. Both of you will have opinions in all of your life situations. Both of you should be ready to voice your opinion (tactfully) AND listen to the other person's opinion with thoughtful consideration.

mysticl · July 2010

I know I was talking to my FI about stuff for the ceremony and he was kinda of the in and out idea too. When I mentioned music he was like "Here comes the bride". In his mind that's the only thing a bride would walk in to. When I mentioned readings he said "I don't think there are any". Which yes the ceremony we are having does not include/require readings. My point was there were certain readings that I wanted and people I wanted to do them. He had just never thought of that possibility.

Keep working on your communication. It sounds like you aren't used to standing up for yourself and he may take that as you don't have an opinion or can't make a decision so he will be the man and step in and fix everything. Which is great when you can't get the pickle jar open but not so much when you have a vision of your wedding in your head.

WindsorMartha · July 2010

Your officiant may have requirements too--in some places there are certain things that must be included in the ceremony (intention, vows, declaration) or if it is a religious ceremony there may also be requirements on what is included.

Ashes_3 · July 2010

I think that you need to tell him this is a mutual thing! There is more to a ceremony then just getting it over with! I know we're having someone sing and a reading to make it a little longer! Just have a heads up that perhaps in the future, he will want EVERYTHING else his way...

Knittibell · July 2010

I think it's great he's interested! I think you should each give your opinion, and then compromise on each item- which is basically how marriage often works anyhow. If there's something really important to him that you don't care about, let him have it, and be sure he is able to reciprocate when something is really important to you. I'm sure it'll all work out great!

ETA- when I married my late husband, we had a non religious wedding with processional (string quartet) and two readings, and the whole thing was 15 min or so. Most weddings that aren't a religious mass are pretty quick, so he doesn't need to worry it's going to be some sort of EPIC thing, even if you have some readings, a sand ceremony, etc.

longman801 · July 2010

When I was planning my wedding, my friend gave me a site that was so helpful. It had just about everything but the tux and dress in there. Hopefully this will be helpful for someone on here too.http://www.theweddingstyle.com/beach-wedding-dresses-c-30.html

floridaweddings · July 2010

Most brides do not know what they want, so he is taking charge with what he does best.Its his Job and like noone tells a Doctor how to operate, because its his Job ( Right ) You tell the Dr. i want to live and he does what it takes to make it happen.So tell what you want and let him do his Job....

FI wanting to call all the shots

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