Etiquette and Generosity

neesie124 · July 2010

I have a small ethical dilemma. I would really appreciate any insight.

One of my oldest friends and I went to dinner one March evening and we were discussing my upcoming wedding plans. She was married the previous July. She and her sister made her wedding cake together.

My friend mentioned wanting to get into making wedding cakes form her home as a part time job. During dinner, she offered to me the following: She would make my cake for the cost of supplies ($300). Her labour would be her gift to me ($200) + delivering the cake the afternoon of the wedding. Although she is an amateur, I was very excited about the offer because I'm a bit of a frugal bride. I told her that the cake was in my Fiancé's field of responsibility, but I would get back to her about it.

In July, my fiancé and I met with her to discuss what we wanted for a cake. During the consultation, she told us that she could no longer do the labour for free and that the total cost would be about $500. Nor could she guarantee the quality of the work?? My fiancé and I were a little disappointed about the change. She added that she didn’t care whether or not we used her services and that she would not be upset if we didn’t. I know my friend and I am pretty sure she would be offended if we didn’t use her service.
Since our consultation, my fiancé has identified a professional company willing to do our cake for about $560 including delivery on a Sunday. And they could guarantee the quality of the work.

With a young son and a husband who works seasonally, I know money is very tight at her house. I feel bad taking away the opportunity because she is after all my friend. On the flip side, the terms of the agreement have changed.

Do I have to buy the cake from her to save our friendship or do I buy the cake from a professional?

Hey Everyone!

Thank you so much for your speedy advice. I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER!

I think this is a great idea:
"I really want you to be able to enjoy yourself as a guest at the wedding and not worrying about a cake the night before. We are so thrilled that you offered, though!"

I also think this is a great idea!
I'd maybe try her cake for a birthday party, [bridal shower]

Thank you ,Thank you, Thank you!

FutureMrsTR · July 2010

If not buying a cake from her ruins your friendship, it wasn't a very solid friendship to begin with. Go with the professional.

cengle · July 2010

I wouldn't. Mixing business and friendships always has a risk. She's even told you she can't guarantee quality. If your cake is awful, you're going to be bitter about it. With a professional, you'd be able to have some recourse. Hire a professional, and just have your friend attend as a guest.

Brie2010 · July 2010

Go with a professional.

Don't make it about her skills and the money, though. Just tell her, "I really want you to be able to enjoy yourself as a guest at the wedding and not worrying about a cake the night before. We are so thrilled that you offered, though!"

DIY wedding cakes are a nightmare. Just ask Dudley.

laurenclaire1386 · July 2010

It gets sticky when you hire friends to do stuff wedding related, or really anything. If I were you, I'd go with the pros. She upped the price, and can't guarantee quality. If she gets offended, that's her problem because she changed the terms of the deal. On top of that, how would it affect your friendship if you did hire her and the cake turned out terribly? I'd imagine you'd be a little upset. As she's now only $60 cheaper than the pros, I'd go with the pros. Also, you can't beat yourself up about her financial situation. It's really beyond your control.

wadingmoose · July 2010

Go with the professional. It sounds like she wasn't all that interested in making it for you anyway if she changed her price and was unable to guarantee quality to you, her friend.

I get that you want to help her, but mixing business with friendships can often go sour real fast.

cengle · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-generosity?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8357d5a9-e7e7-4ea0-a2d7-5289c27db6c1Post:8169c122-69e1-4dfe-992c-5ff289e40d0c">Re: Etiquette and Generosity</a>:
[QUOTE]Also, you can't beat yourself up about her financial situation. It's really beyond your control.
Posted by laurenclaire1386[/QUOTE]

Definitely this. Your wedding is not the time or the place to try to help out a friend financially (by using their services, that is).

georgia_bride09 · July 2010

Never mix* business with pleasure. Don't use her services; you'll be glad you didn't. Just imagine if she delivered a heinous cake. Then what?

*Edited

wadingmoose · July 2010

This reminds me. I haven't been to cakewrecks in awhile.

noodle_oo · July 2010

DEFINITELY GO WITH THE PROFESSIONAL!!!

Sounds like she is completely inexperienced. If she wants your business, she would have to give you a major discount otherwise why would you buy a cake from an amateur when you can get a professional cake for pretty much the same price?

Besides, I agree with others, mixing business with friendship is risky. More often than not, it ends badly. I would tell her that you've decided it will be easier and less stressful for both her and you if you go with another vendor. She told you she woudln't be upset, so I would take her at her word. If she does get upset, don't let it get to you because she is the one who would be behaving badly. She should not be guilting you into helping support her new business, especially with something so important as your wedding. I'd maybe try her cake for a birthday party, but definite NOT your wedding.

danieliza1127 · July 2010

I would go with the professional. If she's upset enough to end your friendship over it, then you weren't very good friends to begin with. Just nicely let her know that you really appreciate the offer but you would just feel better going with a professional who is charging basically the same price.

Maybe she could do a bridal shower cake for you instead? Or a groom's cake?

Lisa8888 · July 2010

Go with the pro.

hccpsu · July 2010

Go with the professional. I like the post about saying you want her to enjoy herself, but if push comes to shove, be honest about wanting something you know is guaranteed. You can always give her some business for birthdays, showers, etc. if you want.

And personally speaking, as an amateur cake decorator, and a close friend with a wedding cake business, I can't see where she's comiing up with $300 for the supplies, unless she owns absolutely nothing (and in that case, you'd be funding her business). Unless you're talking about a cake for 500 people, maybe! Labor should be the more expensive part.

andy71781 · July 2010

Ditto PPs - go with the professional - it doesn't sound like she's that worried about you two not going with her.

neesie124 · July 2010

Hey Everyone!

Thank you so much for your speedy advice. I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER!

I think this is a great idea:
"I really want you to be able to enjoy yourself as a guest at the wedding and not worrying about a cake the night before. We are so thrilled that you offered, though!"

I also think this is a great idea!
I'd maybe try her cake for a birthday party, [bridal shower]

Thank you ,Thank you, Thank you!

Simply Fated · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_etiquette-generosity?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8357d5a9-e7e7-4ea0-a2d7-5289c27db6c1Post:58867789-359b-4654-84d6-6e4a17e65330">Re: Etiquette and Generosity</a>:
[QUOTE]. And personally speaking, as an amateur cake decorator, and a close friend with a wedding cake business, I can't see where she's comiing up with $300 for the supplies, unless she owns absolutely nothing (and in that case, you'd be funding her business). Unless you're talking about a cake for 500 people, maybe! Labor should be the more expensive part.
Posted by hccpsu[/QUOTE]
The math isn't working out for me, either. Even when you take into consideration any of the extras, I've seen gorgeous, professional cakes for about $300, so I know it can be done for under that and it's the labour and the "extras" like flowers and edible what evers that drive the cost up.

Money is tight for everyone and your wedding isn't a charity function for your friend's cake business. I would just tell her thanks, but no thanks... that you decided to go a different route.

Etiquette and Generosity

Re: Etiquette and Generosity

Choose Another Board

Search Boards