Engagement anticipation is killing me!

crazyinluv86 · May 2011

I have a dilemma I was hoping you all could help me with. My boyfriend of 2 years talks about getting engaged, married, and having kids all the time. However, I fear he is doing more talking than taking action. I am 28 and he is 25 (so of course I have a sightly greater sense of urgency). He is finishing up undergrad this year (December) so I am thinking he needs to achieve this milestone before getting down on one knee. After all, men are driven by accomplishment.

What can I do to encourage him to propose sooner than later? I have begun showing him the type of rings I like, thinking that this would help him in making his selection when he's ready. I don't believe this is presumptuous, since he talks about proposing ALL the time,...he literally tells my family members and everyone we meet that he's going to marry me. We absolutely know we want to be together, get married, and have a family.

Last question....should I ask him to stop talking about it so much until he is ready to take action? Or should I just let him bring it up and continue being patient and hopeful that he will soon put his money where his mouth is?

kenzi420 · May 2011

My fiance use to do the same thing. Whenever he would talk about marriage and children, I would always tell him that he was missing a step and I would point to my ring finger. The difference between our situation is that I knew he had a ring for over a year before he actually proposed and put it on my finger. So it hurt for him to talk about it, but not take the action. Finally I had to tell him that I didn't want to talk about getting married and having kids unless we were engaged and I knew he was serious about it. On top of that, his mom use to tell me all the time that he was going to propose, but having a long distance relationship... I was expecting it during one of our infrequent visits and when it wouldn't happen, I would be greatly dissapointed.

Maybe he is waiting til he gets his degree and starts his career so he can save up for the perfect ring, but if his talk about it is making you too anxious... then you should share your feelings with him before it builds into something more. Let him know that you are not rushing him, but you just want to lay off the marriage talk until your engagement. It allowed me to relax and just focus on us and when he finally did proposed... it was unexpected and I was able to enjoy the moment.

I hope this helps, but whatever you decide to do will be the right choice for y'all. Good Luck!!!

stemms8810 · May 2011

I agree with the previous responses. Ask him about a timeline, like where do you see us in 2, 3, or 4 years? And explain to him calmly you are not comfortable with the marriage/future talk until he is closer to proposing. But at the same time these are good talks to have prior to an engagement because you will discuss important topics like money, kids, etc. so it also doesn't hurt to make sure you are both on the same page.

breaness · May 2011

We talked about our timeline before getting engaged. When we hoped to have kids, how long we wanted to be married before then, etc. There was never a conversation for us where I was asking for a proposal or even hinting at it. We discussed marriage, but never a wedding or engagement. I didn't want to be "that girl." I also have a few friends who were very forceful with their FHs about getting engaged and I saw how much it stressed out their then boyfriends and I didn't want to do that to FI. I knew that when he was ready he'd propose, and sure enough he did.

If you're having those talks, it sounds like you're both on the same page. The last thing you want is a proposal when he isn't ready though. You should BOTH be ready.

PhoenixMama · May 2011

You have to be honest and open with your BF. They cannot read minds. ;-) And it sets a good foundation for marriage to be able to talk and communicate, even sensitive subjects like feelings. ;-) If it's making you anxious that he is doing all the talk with no action tell him so.

And agree with everyone else too about asking about his timeline in his head. He may also be talking about kids and such to make sure you guys are on the same page with this. It's really important to have those kind of talks pre-engagement, in my personal opinion. It's not a good thing when people marry and find out they are on totally different pages where important future things like children/how to raise them is concerned.

crazyinluv86 · May 2011

kenzi420 - Thank you so much for this advice. Anxious is exactly how he is making me feel. And I do want just be able to enjoy our relationship without thinking about that, but he makes it impossible!

The other thing that makes it hard is that everyone around us is getting engaged, married, and having kids. His sister just got married and is having a baby, his brother just got engaged, and so did his closest male cousin. His female cousin recently had a baby, and got engaged (a little backward). And a handful of my friends are also making moves. He brought up marriage and children well before all of these people around us began popping up, but it is now becoming frustrating for me because it stays in the forefront of my mind. And him always bringing it up doesn't help!

I think I will have to take your advice and ask him to reserve any further talk about marriage and children until we are engaged so that I know he's serious. I will bring up the topic of timeline once more (I tend to subtly check with him from time to time to make sure we are still on the same page). This will be the last time until he is ready to take the next step.

Thank you everyone for weighing in. It is helpful to know that others can relate to my situation.

crazyinluv86 · May 2011

breaness - I whole heartedly agree. No matter how anxious I am, I could never pressure him into proposing, because part of the joy in it is knowing that he proposed because HE wanted to. This makes the gesture that much more special.

I don't want to be "that girl" either. If I have to make him do it, then I don't even want him to, honestly. But I do know that when he takes that step on his own, I will know for sure it is genuine and will be so happy that he took the initiative.

We have defintiely had several talks about it. Timing, where we want to get married, how many kids, how long we shoud wait, etc. He has gotten my mom's blessings to marry me. His parents ask us about it all the time. It seems like he's just slow to actually make the move. And I don't want to pressure or rush him, because he could be planning for it right now. I wouldn't want to ruin the experience.

Funny thing is...I wasn't sure he was the one until about a year and a half in, but he knew after only a few months. Now that I'm on board he's taking his time! Haha.

C'est la vie!

Engagement anticipation is killing me!

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