California-Bay Area

Wedding Craziness

Ok Ladies,

Tell me what your think.

So my FI and I got engaged in July, we started to meet with families on dates and etc.. We decided on April 14, 2012 (6 1/2 months), then came all the problems.  

My FI is Indian which caused some problems in his family, due to the fact that I am not.  It has been a struggle for a while, but when we started dating, we knew that we wanted to be together, and decided that no matter what his family said we would try and see if this could work.  Now almost three years later, we are engaged and planning the wedding.

My side of the family are very strong religious family, who believes in waiting until you are married for everything. We'll about a year ago, my FI moved in with me, when the time came for me to tell my family, it didn't not go over well.  Let's just say, that at this time... They will not help for the wedding, come to any bridal showers, and etc. Which caused a lot of problems with his side. When we discussed the situation with his family, that my side would not be helping financially, they didn't tell it well.  We told them that we could have just a small wedding, and just family and etc. But no they wanted a large wedding, at first they wanted to invite like 300-350 people, due to the fact that he is the first born, and etc..

We'll after talking it over with is family, they decided that they would help cover all the cost of the wedding, we would cover a third of it, and his uncle volunteered to help cover a third as well.  Ok, Ladies.. this was the start of hell.

Yes, they volunteered to pay for everything (catering, hall, flowers, dj), which was most of it, and we would give them a third, plus pay for whatever else needed to be paid for (favor, center pieces, my dress, and etc).

Ok, I started to buy things for the wedding, (favors, center pieces, flower girl, ring bear, and etc) Let's just say that we bought pretty much everything.

Then came the bomb shell,  his father got upset with him because his grandparents were helping out with the wedding, he was not longer welcome at his parents house, his grandparents were arguing about money, his uncle and aunt said they would help, and told us no they wouldn't.  Ladies, this has been going on for a few weeks.  

I started to get stressed, and we (FI and I), were started to get into little arguments about the family.  This past Tuesday, my FI got a phone call from his uncle, arguing with him that about money, and how we are not being respectful, and etc. Then he got another phone call from his grandparents, who said they only wanted to help with half, or not help out all.

We had already made a deposit for the hall, and this past Fri, I was going to the catering to start the agreement, and bring our deposit.  This Sat was the bridemaids dress fitting.

So on Wednesday, I told my FI that I was done with everything, that I just couldn't do this anymore. It's like we can make a decision without getting everyone approval. Oh ya, ladies his grandparents told us that I was not allowed to sign anything, buy anything without telling them first.  

I told my FI that if we couldn't get his grandparents to just write us a check and that their would be no added requirements, then we were just going to call off this wedding and we would just get married on our own.

We'll when we got there, another bomb shell happened, his grandparents started to say that not only was this a burden to them, that now that they volunteered to help it was going to cause problems for the rest of the family.

For some reason, I just knew that things were going to change.

So with all this being said.  This is what we have decided to do.

I found a place where we live who does Civil Marriage Ceremony, we are going to have our small initimate wedding with just 20 peo, we are going to take everyone out for a cheap but nice dinner.  And we are going to pay for everything.  I know this is not what I wanted at first, but with all the drama with both of our families, it was becoming more sressful for both of us.

We decided why wait now, we picked the date, because that is when his grandmother said we should get married, I also wanted to enjoy the wedding planning, and save a little more for us later.

So now, on December 10th, we will be married, and for New Year's we are going on our honeymoon.

I will still get to wear my wedding dress, which I had already bought, have a guest book, cake, wedding pic, and close friends and family.  I told my FI that all I wanted was to marry him, and didn't want to have all these problems attached.  I don't want to start a marriage with all these problems, it's not health for us or for our future.  

Re: Wedding Craziness

  • chattychiqachattychiqa member
    edited December 2011
    Holy hell. Poor you. That fkn sucks.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • lizsmilelizsmile member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Tell me about it!

    But it will all work out for the best.

  • edited December 2011
    Wow, that's some craziness.  I'm glad you guys are getting to the important thing though--and that's being married.  Everything else is just not worth the drama.
  • lizsmilelizsmile member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Tell me about it!   I know that our families will always be there, but what makes a marriage work is putting urselves first, and lots of good communication
  • edited December 2011
    Goodness that is drama filled.  I guess I don't fully understand.  Everyone offered to chip in.  You purchased things that fit the budget, but didn't fit their vision so they rescinded? Or they used that as an excuse to rescind for other reasons?

    It's unfortunate that so much money was already spent, and even more unfortunate that it resulted in even more bad blood between the families.  It's not right, but it seems that often, 'free' money from family always comes with strings attached, opinons on how you should spend it, etc.  This is true for weddings, houses, whatever.  I've always been a huge fan of having the wedding you can afford, and if you haven't already established boundaries with your families on where & how they can impose, it's a great time to assert your adulthood.

    I'm happy that you and DH will have the wedding that you both want, with no strings attached, and now you can get married even sooner!  I do believe that years from now, happy memories of your smaller wedding will far outweight stressful feelings of the giant wedding.  Congratulations & best of luck!
  • edited December 2011
    This is something that you and your future husband definitely need to sit down and talk about.  You're marrying into his family and he's marrying into yours so even though you have the wedding planned out and it works out for you... you have your marriage and what comes with it to deal with still... as in his family and your family will stlil be around.  If you can deal with it when the time comes, great.  When the holidays come around (both his culture and yours), all this drama can build up again.  Good luck!
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