Too many groomsmen...

efiskio · April 2010

My fiance and I are just beginning the planning process. We made a list of each of our wedding parties and he has 2 best men and 11 groomsmen. I am getting nervous that he is choosing people because he doesn't want to hurt feelings, but he insists that he definitely wants/needs each person up there. I have 2 maids of honor and 6 bridesmaids. Any suggestions on whether he should cut down on groomsmen? Walking down the isle with uneven numbers?

I want it to be intimate and personal. Yes we have a lot of friends but 13 guys?? Is that too many, is my wedding going to be a circus??

goheels05 · April 2010

Yeah, I went through this with Mr. Heels.

If he's already asked them, there's nothing that can be done. Otherwise, remind him that all of them have to be invited to the RD with their SO's, and do the math so he can see how ridiculous that number is. We had 100 at our wedding and 50 at our RD. It was redic.

Also, if you are doing gifts for your bridal party, that's a shitton of gifts.

I was going to have 4 bridesmaids but Mr. Heels had between 8-10 he wanted to ask, plus his father as best man, because he had been in a lot of guys' weddings. I knew sides didn't have to be even, but 4 compared to 10 was pretty drastic, so I asked my 3 best friends from college. It was a fiasco. There was dress drama, bachelorette party drama, shower drama, hotel drama, and people disappearing between the wedding and reception. And I know bridesmaids don't have to do anything but show up, but you would think with the small army we had, someone could have chipped in to clean up the mess THEY made in our church getting ready. Nope. My parents went back to the church after the reception to clean up after them.

If I could go back in time, I would have told Mr Heels, "ok, you can have 10 groomsmen. But I'm having 4 bridesmaids. So do what you want." I think he ultimately would have backed down and cut the number somewhat.

TheSaltyPeanut · April 2010

I had six BMs and H had 6 as well... I did not find that to be too many at all. I agree with what everyone else said about it being ok to have uneven sides.

I don't know why, but for some reason I just think it looks weird to have a HUGE wedding party with a smaller guest total.

If you had 500+ guests, a large wedding party would look ok. Just my opinion!

quotequeen · April 2010

It doesn't sound to me like they have been asked, I read it as the OP and her FI just made lists to show each other. Personally, I would roll my eyes if I went to a wedding and there were 13 groomsmen. But if it's really that important to your FI, then you should let him have it.

mandysmear · April 2010

Your wedding is not an opportunity to declare your friendship with eleventy billion people. I think big wedding parties are tacky.

mandybear7 · April 2010

Meh, we have 9 people on each side. I don't really understand how we are being tacky. We wanted to include both family and friends, hence the larger number. I do agree that your number (8) is also high, so saying that you were aiming for something "intimate and personal" doesn't really fit, either. Larger WP can be more stressful to coordinate (as Heels pointed out) and more money will be spent on bouquets, bouts, transportation, etc; those are all things to take into consideration.

goheels05 · April 2010

Yeah, tacky isn't really the word I would use. It doesn't really effect anyone except them and you.

efiskio · April 2010

The only reason why I have so many BMs is because of 4 siblings. His are all friends and I am just worried that he is afraid to hurt people's feelings. Are guest list is around 200 and it is an outdoor wedding late afternoon into the evening. It is very casual with khaki linen pants and white button downs for his guys (very summery/beachy). We haven't asked anyone yet, so there is no problem there. I just cannot picture that many people as many of you mentioned, however it is his day too and I really don't want to ruin it for him. I really appreciate all of the responses...so so very helpful!!

opalsky007 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_many-groomsmen?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:003dc94f-9e54-4c47-99ee-5b39a0f69b3fPost:6ee6b72f-81c2-4fd5-a03a-86638372002b">Re: Too many groomsmen...</a>:
[QUOTE]The only reason why I have so many BMs is because of 4 siblings. His are all friends and I am just worried that he is afraid to hurt people's feelings. Are guest list is around 200 and it is an outdoor wedding late afternoon into the evening. It is very casual with khaki linen pants and white button downs for his guys (very summery/beachy). We haven't asked anyone yet, so there is no problem there. I just cannot picture that many people as many of you mentioned, however it is his day too and I really don't want to ruin it for him. I really appreciate all of the responses...so so very helpful!!
Posted by efiskio[/QUOTE]

You should point out to him that just being a guest is an honor! It's in no way a slap in the face to be invited to a wedding and not be in the wedding party. If it were, 90% of the people at my wedding should have been furious with me.

Anyway, if that doesn't speak to him, maybe something else will. Is he frugal? Point out just how much the cost of gifts, boutonierres, attire (if you're buying or renting for them) will add up. That may convince him to choose a smaller group.

mandysmear · April 2010

Yeah I don't know what word I'm looking for... tacky is not be the right word. Either way, I think large BPs are ridiculous. Just my opinion. Everyone is different.

If I had 4 siblings that I wanted to include in my BP then I'd draw the line there. My GF has 2 sisters and a lot of close friends, so she just left it at her 2 sisters to avoid a massive BP.

smokeybailey · April 2010

To be perfectly frank, I would think that 21 BMs and GMs was ridiculous.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · April 2010

Does he hang out with ALL THIRTEEN the same amount? There has to be some he sees more than others, or is closer to than others. Really.

Here's what YOU will have to spend money on for your wedding party:

- flowers
- RD (them plus their dates) - this is 42 people if none of the BMs and GMs are dating each other, plus you two, plus your parents, grandparents and any other siblings.
- gifts
- attire (if you chose)

And other things to consider:

- getting everyone to decide on a style of attire
- getting everyone together for the rehearsal and RD
- who wants to throw the showers/b-parties and how they're going to work (might result in some drama)

Really, just keep reminding him of the expense and headaches this will entail.

opalsky007 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_many-groomsmen?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:003dc94f-9e54-4c47-99ee-5b39a0f69b3fPost:03d5a475-48fb-4f4c-8375-331d35c38780">Re: Too many groomsmen...</a>:
[QUOTE]Does he hang out with ALL THIRTEEN the same amount? There has to be some he sees more than others, or is closer to than others. Really. Here's what YOU will have to spend money on for your wedding party: - flowers - RD (them plus their dates) - this is 42 people if none of the BMs and GMs are dating each other, plus you two, plus your parents, grandparents and any other siblings. - gifts - attire (if you chose) <strong>And other things to consider: - getting everyone to decide on a style of attire - getting everyone together for the rehearsal and RD - who wants to throw the showers/b-parties and how they're going to work (might result in some drama)</strong> Really, just keep reminding him of the expense and headaches this will entail.
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

This is a really good point. We had a heck of a time getting 4 BMs and 3 GMs together to pick attire and get fitted. I can't imagine trying to chase after 13 guys to get their attire.

EmmaBride2B · April 2010

I guess I kind of think that with 2 MOHs and 6 BMs (8 people total on her side) it's not like they don't have all these gift/planning/attire problems already. If they had even sides it would be 16, pfft, 21 doesn't seem that far away.

But this is coming from someone who with three on each side, so I guess I'm pretty well biased.

smokeybailey · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_many-groomsmen?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:003dc94f-9e54-4c47-99ee-5b39a0f69b3fPost:5b39e1a0-78c9-451c-88bc-2401649b69ee">Re: Too many groomsmen...</a>:
[QUOTE]I guess I kind of think that with 2 MOHs and 6 BMs (8 people total on her side) it's not like they don't have all these gift/planning/attire problems already. If they had even sides it would be 16, pfft, 21 doesn't seem that far away. But this is coming from someone who with three on each side, so I guess I'm pretty well biased.
Posted by EmmaBride2B[/QUOTE]

I think 8 is too many as well. It seems so 7 Brides for 7 Brothers to me. I can't think of 8 people that I think are equally close to me. I have 4 people that I consider "inner circle" and then friends expand outward from there. When I see someone who says they have 8 best friends, I wonder how that is possible. I feel weird saying I have 4 (I'm including my sister in that).
It feels AW to me like she is saying-look at all these people that agreed to be in my wedding. I have SO many friends. (I am not saying that is the case, I am saying what I, as a guest, would be thinking.)
With 13 guys on the other side, I would think, wow, he is not really close to anyone but he is "close enough" with 13 men.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · April 2010

I totally agree with you Smokey. I have 3 BMs and I will sometimes not see them for weeks at a time (let alone other friends) because life gets in the way. I can't imagine regularly hanging out with a dozen people. Birthdays, housewarmings, New Years, Halloween, fine. But how do you coordinate this? "Hey, let's get some people together for drinks Saturday. I'll call Dan, Nick, Steve, Brian and Joe. You call Adam, Oscar, Peter, Dave, Rob and Jon. Have everyone write down 3 times they're available and we'll cross reference."

I also think 8 BMs is too many. If you have 4 siblings, then keep it to your 4 siblings.

mandybear7 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_many-groomsmen?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:003dc94f-9e54-4c47-99ee-5b39a0f69b3fPost:b9fd552c-6bbe-4bc2-a5f3-9a99d9ef1b7e">Re: Too many groomsmen...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Too many groomsmen... : I think 8 is too many as well. It seems so 7 Brides for 7 Brothers to me. I can't think of 8 people that I think are equally close to me. I have 4 people that I consider "inner circle" and then friends expand outward from there. When I see someone who says they have 8 best friends, I wonder how that is possible. I feel weird saying I have 4 (I'm including my sister in that). It feels AW to me like she is saying-look at all these people that agreed to be in my wedding. I have SO many friends. (I am not saying that is the case, I am saying what I, as a guest, would be thinking.) With 13 guys on the other side, I would think, wow, he is not really close to anyone but he is "close enough" with 13 men.
Posted by smokeybailey[/QUOTE]

Well, hopefully all of our guests know us well enought to realize that we are not trying to AW how popular we are but that we asked these people for very special reasons.

andy71781 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_many-groomsmen?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:003dc94f-9e54-4c47-99ee-5b39a0f69b3fPost:089ef57e-58a5-4c1b-895c-74142c1b56fd">Re: Too many groomsmen...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Too many groomsmen... : Well, hopefully all of our guests know us well enought to realize that we are not trying to AW how popular we are but that we asked these people for very special reasons.
Posted by mandybear7[/QUOTE]

Ditto for me too. I have 2 sisters (my MOHs) and I wanted to include my FI's cousin (sorta sister) in my wedding party too. For the rest of my BMs, I was in their wedding, with all of them, and I couldn't imagine not having them in there.

EmmaBride2B · April 2010

I didn't mean people shouldn't have WP that big.

I just meant it's already a bus load of people at 16 (if they did even sides) What's 5 more I guess? It's already going to be tough to coordinate, like people said, so I don't know that it'll change much.

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