Elopment

gailpete · March 2012

I agree with Kmmsg. As a MOB, I would not have easily gotten over my DD eloping because her FILs were immature jerks. DH and I would have been extremely hurt and it would likely have damaged and future relationship with her ILs, which when the grandchildren come along would have been difficult.

I suggest, as CEW said, FI and you (or just FI) sit down with FMIL and FFIL separately and tell them that FI is very concerned about how they will behave at the wedding, so you have 3 options for them-
1. they behave like mature adults around each other between now and through the wedding
2. you hire securuty for the wedding that will escort out the first parent that starts to act up, thereby embarassing their son and ruining his wedding day. Also, thereby proving they can't be trusted to act like adults and thus limiting their presence at any future family gatherings (such as grandchildren's birthday parties). or
3. You tell them you will be having a small destination wedding to which they will not be invited, but your parents will be.

I don't like threatening adults, but apparently they can't act like adults and this situation is only going to continue in the future unless you try and lay it on the line now. Do you plan to have two birthday parties for your kids so they can attend separately, or plan to have them exhibit this behavior to your children as somehow being acceptable?

[Deleted User] · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_elopment?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f92e0052-3158-45a2-abc1-8f05232dda2ePost:c842f214-d70b-44ed-b0b0-36dfba90cc09">Re: Elopment</a>:
[QUOTE]From a MOB POV - I would NOT just get over it if my daughter did this to me. Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]

This too. My son is 7 and it breaks my heart to think about him doing this 20 years from now.

mica178 · March 2012

I think we had a convertible Sebring the last time I rented a convertible in HI.

I have nothing else to add to this conversation.

[Deleted User] · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_elopment?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f92e0052-3158-45a2-abc1-8f05232dda2ePost:1ef9e086-6a44-4b01-9ada-cd3e799eba02">Re: Elopment</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Elopment : Not every MOB would have that opinion though. My mom and dad have offered to help us with the wedding, and have attached zero strings to the money (from reading the posts on E, I realize that I'm extremely lucky and in a fairly unique position). Even if we elope, they'd still give it to us. They know it's OUR wedding, not theirs. Yes they'd be upset to miss it, but if we had to elope because of my FILs' inability to act like adults at a function for their child (or if we eloped for any other reason, including, "we just want to"), they would understand.
Posted by yaga13[/QUOTE]

So your parents honestly wouldn't care if you LIED to them and then got married in secret? I call bullshiit on that one.

[Deleted User] · March 2012

I think that's an entirely different situation. It's one thing to not care about being a part of your child's wedding. I get that parents have different relationships and what is important to some might not be important to everyone. It's something completely different, though, to be lied to about it all only to find out that it happened without even being given the opportunity to know it was happening.

mica178 · March 2012

I'd forgive my loved one if he/she eloped without me there, but I'd probably hold a lifelong grudge against the people who inspired the elopement (in this case, OP's FILs).

kmmssg · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_elopment?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f92e0052-3158-45a2-abc1-8f05232dda2ePost:1ef9e086-6a44-4b01-9ada-cd3e799eba02">Re: Elopment</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Elopment : Not every MOB would have that opinion though. My mom and dad have offered to help us with the wedding, and have attached zero strings to the money (from reading the posts on E, I realize that I'm extremely lucky and in a fairly unique position). Even if we elope, they'd still give it to us. They know it's OUR wedding, not theirs. Yes they'd be upset to miss it, but if we had to elope because of my FILs' inability to act like adults at a function for their child (or if we eloped for any other reason, including, "we just want to"), they would understand.
Posted by yaga13[/QUOTE]

There's a huge difference in eloping and being done with it, and eloping and having a sham wedding where your parents think they are watching you get married.

My aunt that raised me thought weddings were a waste of money and made it clear to all of us girls that you are just as married at the JOP as you are in a big shindig. She wouldn't have given a rip about seeing us get married but even she would have been beyond peeved if it was done secretely and then a sham put on as the real deal.

kmmssg · March 2012

Yaga, Gotcha. Now your post makes more sense to me

raichan · March 2012

Thank you for the advice. Allow me to clear up a few things please.

When I say that I am going to pretend to have a wedding, I mean that I'm going to give noncommittal "I don't know when it will be, how I want it" type of responses if people ask me anything about it. I don't mean that I'm going to set a date and such and then pretend that I'm going to have a ceremony all planned.

I've been considering letting only my parents know beforehand, that way they won't be entirely surprised. My parents are more open to elopement than his parents are anyway. To my side of the family weddings are a declaration of love. To his, weddings are a huge party.

As for the "guests". I want to have no one, but he wants to invite only his two best friends so our witnesses are not random people that we don't know. The plan was to have it under the guise of a vacation with friends, and then get married there.

mizutamababy · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_elopment?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f92e0052-3158-45a2-abc1-8f05232dda2ePost:8b09a05b-dd8f-4972-98c4-17dc0963b83e">Re: Elopment</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you for the advice. Allow me to clear up a few things please. When I say that I am going to pretend to have a wedding, I mean that I'm going to give noncommittal "I don't know when it will be, how I want it" type of responses if people ask me anything about it. I don't mean that I'm going to set a date and such and then pretend that I'm going to have a ceremony all planned. I've been considering letting only my parents know beforehand, that way they won't be entirely surprised. My parents are more open to elopement than his parents are anyway. To my side of the family weddings are a declaration of love. To his, weddings are a huge party. As for the "guests". I want to have no one, but he wants to invite only his two best friends so our witnesses are not random people that we don't know. The plan was to have it under the guise of a vacation with friends, and then get married there.
Posted by raichan[/QUOTE]

Thanks for clearing that up.

In that case, this sounds like what you both really want. Even if it's not the traditional term of elopement, I agree it might be a best to let your parents know to avoid hurt like you suggested. There will probably be some, but to offset this perhaps you could do a wedding package which includes a DVD recording of your ceremony?

Then sometime after you get back you two visit your parents and have a nice dinner/watch it together. I think in some ways just being able to see how happy you both are while eloping/you in your dress would ease the disappointment a little.

If you have the budget, maybe have a photographer take pictures and make a wedding album to give later, as well.

Maggie0829 · March 2012

OP I understand taking your and your FI parents feelings into account with trying to figure this out, but can't you and your FI be adults and just be honest with your sets of parents and tell them that you will not be planning a traditional wedding and that you have decided to elope in Hawaii. Yes, they may be mad but remember that you and your FI are adults and can make your own decisions. If you are mature about this and tell them that this is what you want they should respect that...and if they don't then that is their problem. You are at least letting them know of your plans and there won't be any surprise craziness after the fact. All I can envision is telling them after all is said and done and a huge blow up fight ensues.

You and your FI need to do what is best for the two of you, but remember his parents will be in your life for a very long time...starting out a life together on a lie is not a good way to go. Do what you want but make sure both sets of parents know of your intentions.

Habs2Hart · March 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_elopment?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f92e0052-3158-45a2-abc1-8f05232dda2ePost:4724d775-a1cc-4297-9024-20bd00952d0b">Re: Elopment</a>:
[QUOTE]QUESTION : Am I the only one who feels like this is going to start out as an elopement which leads to the family feeling bitter because of the elopement which lead to OP making a rash decision to have after the fact ceremony in hometown, then posting asking for advice on how to pull off a reception a few months later to make up for not having a dream wedding and 4 or 5 receptions further down the line to try to make everybody happy? Not trying to be rude, OP, but this happens all the time on these boards. Once you elope, you can't go back and be a bride!
Posted by ChristineM130[/QUOTE]

No, actually, I don't get this at all from the OP. I think she and her Fl have thought about this and know that it is their wedding. I doubt if her FIL's can't sit through a real wedding without drama, a fake wedding wouldn't be any different. I think you're just being rude assuming that of this person.

Rosie109 · March 2012

I am still on the edge of my seat if OP will be able to track down a mustang in HI. Its a foreign country right? You might want to check on what you need to be able to drive there. Probably a blood test.

Sydney91 · March 2012

Truthful communication is the only way to go. Otherwise they have a damned good reason to be mad at you. Take the high road and all the flack that coes with it when you elope. Drop the ruse. Lying is never a good thing. Even when crazy people are involved. The only exception is creepy strangers that give off that untrustworthy vibe. Then it's okay to make up a name when they ask. Just drop the lying and they will calm down eventually. You mentioned they have a bitter divirce in their past. Don't cross them and give them a reason to hold a grudge against you.

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