Brother with autism in the bridal party

krichards0527 · October 2012

We are so excited about our bridal party! Our groomsmen are all family members, including my two brothers.

My question is this- my one brother K is 19 years old and has autism. He is so awesome and there is absolutely no question about having him as a groomsman! He even wants to give a toast at the wedding. I just want to make sure he feels included in everything. He is 19 but is developmentally like a pre-teen.

We've got a lot of the big issues down- he will bring his headphones for when the music gets too loud, he will know the schedule ahead of time, etc. He knows everyone else in the bridal party (guys and girls) so I think that will be ok. We are pretty set with any modifications/adaptations of the day like that.

Has anyone else had a similar experience? I am just looking for suggestions to make sure he doesn't feel left out of any wedding activities. He will be involved in most of it- probably not a bachelor party or any other activities that involve alcohol or overnights.

kmmssg · October 2012

Kudos to a great sister!! My 17 yo DS has Asperger's so I understand where you are coming from. DS has sound issues also so I think you are doing a great job. If DS is in control of things where it is loud he is fine. If that control is something he can't have, we start going for earplugs.

I think your best bet is to just periodically ask him if he has any questions and to go over any activities, fittings, etc with him. As long as DS knows what is coming he is fine. Surprises? Not so much, but I'm betting you are familiar with that too. Go out for ice cream every once in awhile as the wedding gets closer and go over the schedule once again. I always have DS tell me what he got of it when we do that. He needs to tell me what the schedule is and when so I know he didn't take something literally and me miss it. It is pretty second nature by now and we don't have to get quite so much into the weeds as we once did.

Gold stars for being a great big sister.

theelusive1 · October 2012

That is wonderful, I am glad your including him on your special day.
My daughter is having our very ADHD OCD and more, grandson as the best man. Because of the amount of standing all the girls and guys will sit for most of the ceremony. There is nothing that says they have to stand the whole time. It will make it much better for grandson if he can sit with his back to the people because he could really see this as a chance to fly off the handle and do cartwheels or start picking himself. Plus any loud noise he is likely to outburst. He is easily handled at home, diet and release of energy is a plus for him. I hope it all goes well.

krichards0527 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_brother-with-autism-in-the-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:899499de-610d-4138-8ff6-054e781ac271Post:a9586c8c-6143-42c7-8abe-6908cc829c9a">Re: Brother with autism in the bridal party</a>:
[QUOTE]If he's 19, he's old enough to ask.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

<div>Yes, he will be 19. He has autism, which is a communication disorder. He is incapable of asking, to an extent. Which is why I was looking for suggestions from brides who may have had similar experiences. I was not looking for unnecessary comments from individuals who have nothing constructive to add to the conversation. Thank you. </div>

krichards0527 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_brother-with-autism-in-the-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:899499de-610d-4138-8ff6-054e781ac271Post:fdca831e-0d1a-438c-9910-241a20995661">Re: Brother with autism in the bridal party</a>:
[QUOTE]krichardson, these are open boards, and anyone can post. You ask for comments by posting, so get over yourself. Nobody was rude except you. I'm an Aspie myself, so yes, what I added was constructive. If you want to tell others how to post, then The Knot is not the place for you. Read the rules again.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>My brother is not an aspie, he has moderate autism with severe communication deficits and a sub-average IQ. He does not have the ability to express a majority of his wants, concerns, etc. </div><div>
</div><div>If I thought that "he is 19, he is old enough to ask" was the appropriate answer, I really wouldn't have posted a question about it. What you added was not constructive, it was ignorant of the question being asked. As for being an Aspie, then you can appreciate the fact that not everyone on the autism spectrum is the same and there is no one answer that applies to each individual. </div><div>
</div><div>Thanks for the refresher on the rules of The Knot message boards. </div>

kmmssg · October 2012

kr - has y our brother ever been to a wedding? Are there any family wedding videos you could show him that might be helpful?

krichards0527 · October 2012

Thanks for the helpful posts, ladies. He has been to several weddings over the past year, so he knows what to expect in a general sense. We might review some videos- that is a helpful hint! And definitely go over the schedule and questions over ice cream- he will love that!

I am not only concerned about the actual wedding, but about events, activities, or other things leading up to the wedding. It came up in conversation over the weekend, which is why I am asking about it now.

kmmssg · October 2012

Well, you could talk to him about what it will be like to be fitted for his tux for starters. Discuss with him what items will be included, etc. If any of that pushes his comfort zone as far as cufflinks, etc be sure to let him know it is only for a few minutes and he can ditch them at the reception. If any of the items are a huge sensory thing for him, come up with some alternatives for him to wear instead. (DS HATES button up shirts and DD #3 got married 3 1/2 years ago. Evening wedding meant he needed a suit and I knew he was not going to like it. I asked him if he would like to wear a Star Wars tie with it and that did the trick. Never complained about it, and still really likes the tie. My new SIL was jealous that as the groom , he didn't get to wear a Star Wars tie!)

Maybe for the bach party, the guys could go bowling and do pizza before they hit the bars so your brother could attend. Is there another activity he would be comfortable with rather than bowling?

For the Rehearsal and RD - would it be helpful to take him to the venue first and get him comfortable and familiar with the place? You could give him an explanaition of what he will be doing at the rehearsal so he is coming in feeling like he has a bit of control.

For the RD - just let him know that everyone will sit down together for a meal and enjoy some time together. He could practice his toast there, or he could even give a different one just so he is a bit comfortable when it is time for his toast at the reception.

I hope something in there is helpful for you!

tonyadombrowski · October 2012

I think someone needs to stick to a snarky bride board ^^^^ and the only reason why Im butting in, is because this B was jut as rude to me as she is to you krichard... As far as advice goes I think that kmmsg has some good advice and good luck to you in your situation, sounds like you already have it figured out and it'll be great! Ignore people on here, someone is obviously bored!

GoodLuckBear14 · October 2012

Retread - I think this is one situation where unless you have direct experience with moderate autism, you should stay out of the conversation. I have two teenage clients who have diagnoses on the autism spectrum - one with Aspergers and one who has moderate autism. There is a world of difference between these clients and never in a million years would I try to make suggestions for one based off experience of the other.

GoodLuckBear14 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_brother-with-autism-in-the-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:899499de-610d-4138-8ff6-054e781ac271Post:8d67ff19-b2ce-4d6a-85bb-5651408f7114">Re: Brother with autism in the bridal party</a>:
[QUOTE]GoodLuckBear, I work for the state education agency, so I DO know what autism is, and across the spectrum. Part of my job includes reviewing IEPs and assisting with test acommodations. If you work with autism clients, then I assume you'll know what an IEP is. This is an open discussion, and anyone can post. Kdombrowski, namecalling isn't allowed here, and calling people obscene names definitely isn't. This isn't the board I moderate, but I reported you to the mod who does. You really ought to edit that post because I'm pretty sure Banana won't be impressed either.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

Yes I know what IEPs are and they have nothing to do with this discussion. If you work with autistic spectrum kids, I would think that you would have a little more compassion for OP and actually try to help her (if you know so much across the autism spectrum) instead of getting your panties in a knot when told that your situation is not the same and your opinion that if he is 19 he can decide for himself is not true in this case.

krichards0527 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_brother-with-autism-in-the-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:899499de-610d-4138-8ff6-054e781ac271Post:30e659ed-d54a-44b8-ad91-325c32e6b50d">Re: Brother with autism in the bridal party</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, you could talk to him about what it will be like to be fitted for his tux for starters. Discuss with him what items will be included, etc. If any of that pushes his comfort zone as far as cufflinks, etc be sure to let him know it is only for a few minutes and he can ditch them at the reception. If any of the items are a huge sensory thing for him, come up with some alternatives for him to wear instead. (DS HATES button up shirts and DD #3 got married 3 1/2 years ago. Evening wedding meant he needed a suit and I knew he was not going to like it. I asked him if he would like to wear a Star Wars tie with it and that did the trick. Never complained about it, and still really likes the tie. My new SIL was jealous that as the groom , he didn't get to wear a Star Wars tie!) Maybe for the bach party, the guys could go bowling and do pizza before they hit the bars so your brother could attend. Is there another activity he would be comfortable with rather than bowling? For the Rehearsal and RD - would it be helpful to take him to the venue first and get him comfortable and familiar with the place? You could give him an explanaition of what he will be doing at the rehearsal so he is coming in feeling like he has a bit of control. For the RD - just let him know that everyone will sit down together for a meal and enjoy some time together. He could practice his toast there, or he could even give a different one just so he is a bit comfortable when it is time for his toast at the reception. I hope something in there is helpful for you!
Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>
</div><div>This is exactly what I am looking for!!! Thank you so much!! I was thinking the suit would be an issue sensory-wise- I love the idea of a tie or something that is 'his' to make it more comfortable. I know the huys are planning on hitting the bars, so something to include him beforehand will be looked into. </div><div>
</div><div>Again, thanks so much for your advice and understanding! </div>

kmmssg · October 2012

I'm glad something in there was helpful. And, don't forget those ice cream dates! I'm sure he will do fine since you are looking out for his needs. Best of luck in your planning.

pretzelgrrl · October 2012

I teach students with autism. They work really well with social scripts. Does he use these? Basically, it is scripts that talks about things that may be out of the ordinarty for them. They read them and it usually helps them prepare for activities since for most people with autism surprises are not usually a good thing. For example: it might say...On Friday, I am going to get measured for my tux. The man will take a measuring tape and measure my waist, legs, etc (I admit I never have been measured for a tux). It won't hurt. I need to stay still.

Then usually it ends with a positive note such as - my sister will be so proud of me. i will have so much fun at the wedding.

The good thing about social scripts is you can make them for any occasion. And you can adjust them for individuals - like the one I wrote may sound too young (I work with younger kids).

I also suggest talking to teachers/counselors to work with him if he is still in a program. They will be able to help you write social scripts and also help him prepare for it.

boxjelly · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_brother-with-autism-in-the-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:899499de-610d-4138-8ff6-054e781ac271Post:30e659ed-d54a-44b8-ad91-325c32e6b50d">Re: Brother with autism in the bridal party</a>:
[QUOTE] Maybe for the bach party, the guys could go bowling and do pizza before they hit the bars so your brother could attend. Is there another activity he would be comfortable with rather than bowling?
Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]

This! I feel like a pre bar party would be much better than excluding him out and out. This way he could feel apart of the whole event, and since he isn't of age to drink it might not be such a big blow to him that he isn't apart of the Bach party.

Viczaesar · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_brother-with-autism-in-the-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:899499de-610d-4138-8ff6-054e781ac271Post:a9586c8c-6143-42c7-8abe-6908cc829c9a">Re: Brother with autism in the bridal party</a>:
[QUOTE]If he's 19, he's old enough to ask.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]
Age doesn't necessarily indicate anything when it comes to autism, which you should know. I also find this comment unhelpful, and I think you were nasty in this thread, Retread.

GoodLuckBear14 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_brother-with-autism-in-the-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:899499de-610d-4138-8ff6-054e781ac271Post:c39f4542-4fa5-4de3-b8be-0bc8eedc6e9e">Re:Brother with autism in the bridal party</a>:
[QUOTE]You are assuming I wear panties : : <strong>What makes you think I do not have compassion? </strong>I think the kid will be fine. He seems aware of his limitations and has his music if he gets bored. Is he close to any cousins, etc? Sit him with them so he doesn't freak if someone who is unaware of his disability approaches. Is he okay with strangers who might ask him to dance, etc?
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

Well if you had any you sure as hell hid it well in this thread.

SCogs18 · October 2012

Retread, you may be informed, but your attitude is still out of line, and I don't care if you are a regular poster.

OP, I have no adivice for you, but I I just want to commend you for being an AWESOME sister. I hope your wedding is beautiful!

krichards0527 · October 2012

Thanks so much! I will look into doing some social stories for events leading up to the wedding. I will also have my mom talk to his teacher and school social worker- they did an awesome job prepping him to go to prom (which was a HUGE deal for him), so maybe we can apply some of the tactics that they used.

I really appreciate all of the awesome advice- I am so excited to have him involved in the wedding and in wedding-related events as much as possible!

Julie2013 · October 2012

Krichards, thank you SO MUCH for starting this thread! My 8 yo son has autistic tendencies and I've been wondering how to deal with some of the same issues for our event next June. I'm taking notes!

kmmssg · October 2012

kr - the school social worker and psychologist used social scripts/stories with my son in middle school and it was amazing! At first I (silently) had some doubts but it really did help him tremendously. He doesn't need that now but I think it will really help your brother prepare for your wedding.

GoodLuckBear14 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_brother-with-autism-in-the-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:899499de-610d-4138-8ff6-054e781ac271Post:00ece8f0-78a6-4047-aa4a-612041185488">Re: Brother with autism in the bridal party</a>:
[QUOTE]I wasn't rude or insensitive to anyone. I posted what was intended to be helpful advice, and suggested that the OP talk to her brother. I assumed that, since he was excited about the wedding and even wanted to give a speech, that he was a high-functioning autistic and could express what he hoped to do. I suggested the OP talk to him. Sometimes family members are very protective of relatives with issues, to the point that they forget to talk to that person. Ask a disabled or severely ill person; quite often they wonder why people try to "protect" them and don't bother to ask THEM how they'd feel about doing something. That's not rude, and I was the one who got jumped. Sometimes The Knot reminds me of exactly why I dislike women as a general rule.....
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

<em>1. If he's 19, he's old enough to ask.

2. krichardson, these are open boards, and anyone can post. You ask for comments by posting, so get over yourself. Nobody was rude except you.

I'm an Aspie myself, so yes, what I added was constructive. If you want to tell others how to post, then The Knot is not the place for you. Read the rules again.

He says he wants to give a toast at the wedding, and is eager to participate, which tells me he's capable of saying, "Sis, I'm not comfortable with that."

3. Your bio says your wedding is next summer. Why are you worrying about this so far from The Day?

4. krichards, you really need to cool it. You don't have a right to direct posts here. If you want to tell other adults how to talk, then the internet is probably not the best place for you</em>.

These are all of your posts before I "jumped" on you. What was helpful and not rude about any of it?

GoodLuckBear14 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_brother-with-autism-in-the-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:899499de-610d-4138-8ff6-054e781ac271Post:d818e3d0-f9ea-4a25-b278-93c41cf9dd34">Re: Brother with autism in the bridal party</a>:
[QUOTE]Sigh....not that I feel the need to explain myself to YOU...... I suggested she ask her brother, and find out what his feelings are. Not rude, but she chose to take offense, and told me in a snotty way not to post because I'm "not constructive and didn't know what I was talking about.. As you know, that's against the rules. It's hard to convey tone over the net, so everyone decided to take offense, along with my explanation that yes, I do understand autism. Are you and Stage having a bad week or something?? Sit down, put up your feet, and eat some chocolate.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

Don't be condescending. Calling you out is not the result of having a bad week; it is the result of you being nasty and defensive when told that your advice wasn't helpful and being given reasons why it did not apply. I would have made the same comments if I were on Cloud Nine or in the fifth ring of hell. For someone who never hesitates to tell people that "this isn't the board I moderate but..." and then makes a complaint to the mod, you really have a hard time admitting that you were in the wrong here. The OP is not the only one telling you this. It's is also the opinion of a few of us who have been here for years.

Viczaesar · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_brother-with-autism-in-the-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:899499de-610d-4138-8ff6-054e781ac271Post:00ece8f0-78a6-4047-aa4a-612041185488">Re: Brother with autism in the bridal party</a>:
[QUOTE]I wasn't rude or insensitive to anyone. I posted what was intended to be helpful advice, and suggested that the OP talk to her brother. I assumed that, since he was excited about the wedding and even wanted to give a speech, that he was a high-functioning autistic and could express what he hoped to do. I suggested the OP talk to him. Sometimes family members are very protective of relatives with issues, to the point that they forget to talk to that person. Ask a disabled or severely ill person; quite often they wonder why people try to "protect" them and don't bother to ask THEM how they'd feel about doing something. That's not rude, and I was the one who got jumped. Sometimes The Knot reminds me of exactly why I dislike women as a general rule.....
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]
Good grief, talk about gilding the lily!

GoodLuckBear14 · October 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_brother-with-autism-in-the-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:899499de-610d-4138-8ff6-054e781ac271Post:158a600d-4c9d-430f-a61d-21fc7d1ea3d6">Re: Brother with autism in the bridal party</a>:
[QUOTE]YOU called ME out? Uh, when? Someone has aninflated sense of importance! Gals, get on with your lives, and business, which is weddings. This is not romper room. P.S. I do know everything.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

Just stop with this ridiculous martyr attitude of yours. You were entirely in the wrong here and if you have any sense of decency, you'd apologize to OP. My money though is on you trying to keep defending yourself and making snide comments to me, Stage and Vic because you just cannot admit that you were out of line.

daisyamers · October 2012

go over the entire day with him (and the rehersal and dinner). My future SIL has autism and at first was super excitd to be in our wedding party but decided after we went over the entire day and rehersal (which she requested so she would be prepared) that she would rather be a guest because it was too much.

Salsera29 · November 2012

Have you thought about bringing him to the venue ahead of time so he can see exactly where everything is going to happen, where he will be sitting, etc? (Apologies if someone said this I was skimming through the snippy posts)

Salsera29 · December 2012

My experience with autism spectrum disorders has been 5 years as a dance teahcer at a summer camp for kids with special needs. All the PP suggestions have been great. I have one thing to add...consider having a "quiet room" where he will feel comfortable, if it looks like he might be on the verge of a meltdown. Somewhere he can decompress, maybe listen to some favorite music, breathe, regroup, and then join the party again when he's ready,

Also take note of things like moving lights, confetti, balloons...these things could cause axviety in people on the spectrum.

But it seems like you are doing everything right and your brother is lucky to have you :-)

Brother with autism in the bridal party

Re: Brother with autism in the bridal party

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