Ms. Vicki from Military.com sounds off on a Cheating Hubby.

Re: Ms. Vicki from Military.com sounds off on a Cheating Hubby.

• calindi member

  

  August 2011 edited December 2011

  I dunno... I'd never want to be in that situation.  I do believe once you're married, you try to make it work.  I'd go to counseling, try to trust again.  I believe that you can trust again after it's been broken, but it takes a long time to earn back trust, and the partner who is being distrusted has to understand that it doesn't mean they aren't forgiven and that the other person isn't trying to move forward, it's just part of the healing process.
  
  This situation seems a bit extreme though - not only is he continuously contacting someone he has hooked up with before, he is actively lying about his interaction with her, even when caught.  With that much lying, I think I'd have to kick him to the curb if we were just dating.  And I'd contemplate divorce if we were married, but would put more work into it than if we were just dating.  I think whether I'd walk away or not based on the cheating depends on whether he actually did anything physical, even just kiss, after we had been together.  I think some guys just think of receiving pictures and chatting as harmless, like porn, and don't realize how hurtful it can be. 

  
  
  
  
  
  

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• LetsHikeToday member

  

  August 2011 edited December 2011

  Ms. Vickie sounds smart to me :-)
  
  However, I come from the place of if you cheat on me, I'm out. I don't care. Maybe it would be different if I were 19 or 20. I'm 29. If you cheat on me, see ya later. I have enough confidence and independence to know I could survive on my own. I don't need someone in my life who could do that to me.
  
  I might sound harsh but it's my absolute you better not do that to me.

  

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• firsttimersluck member

  

  August 2011 edited December 2011

  I'm a "make it work" kinda person too. I also believe in "policing" your loved one. The Today Show had a really interesting piece on it that kinda opened my eyes to it a while back... Fi and I have each others passwords, look at each others phones when we gets texts, etc. and we don't think it's a privacy issue because we have nothing to hide (unless I'm planning a surprise things, in which case I let him know a ways in advance to not touch my cell, or I will just keep it turned off around him or something.  :P )
  
  I can't imagine FI cheating on me, and I'm sure it would take a LOOOOOOT to fix it, but I would try my hardest as would he I'm sure. Marriage counseling goes a loooong way in situations like that, if both sides are still willing to work. This woman is going to have a long, painful road to recovery in their relationship. (of course I think marriage counseling it good for everyone at any point.. but obviously CRUCIAL in this situation)

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• LetsHikeToday member

  

  August 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_ms-vicki-militarycom-sounds-off-cheating-hubby?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:203c59d2-de17-49e0-87a9-bb94ea0957a0Post:73e080d8-da23-43b4-b9cf-e1f8d3aefa56">Re: Ms. Vicki from Military.com sounds off on a Cheating Hubby.</a>:
  [QUOTE]I'm a "make it work" kinda person too. I also believe in "policing" your loved one. The Today Show had a really interesting piece on it that kinda opened my eyes to it a while back... Fi and I have each others passwords, look at each others phones when we gets texts, etc. and we don't think it's a privacy issue because we have nothing to hide (unless I'm planning a surprise things, in which case I let him know a ways in advance to not touch my cell, or I will just keep it turned off around him or something.  :P ) I can't imagine FI cheating on me, and I'm sure it would take a LOOOOOOT to fix it, but I would try my hardest as would he I'm sure. Marriage counseling goes a loooong way in situations like that, if both sides are still willing to work. This woman is going to have a long, painful road to recovery in their relationship. (of course I think marriage counseling it good for everyone at any point.. but obviously CRUCIAL in this situation)
  Posted by firsttimersluck[/QUOTE]
  
  So I'm definitely not trying to argue or debate but I'm so far from the making it work mind set that I kinda want to know a little more about your thoughts.
  
  What do you think counseling will be able to solve? Do you think it's the cheater figuring out why and changing that behavior? Or something else?
  
  Like I said, not trying to argue but I am seriously curious. I hate that when I ask a follow up question online I get worried the person will take it the wrong way.
  
  :-)

  

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• firsttimersluck member

  

  August 2011 edited December 2011

  ya know.. In this woman's situation, who knows. If it was a multiple times situation I don't know how I would handle that one...
  Honestly, I have never been cheated on, so I don't really know, but I think a trained professional knows a lot more than I do about why people behave the way they do, and how a couple can work on it. It it's just that the guy is a cheater and that's the way it is, time for divorce... that's the way it goes... 
   But a lot of times a cheating situation has been building up for a while and (while it IS the cheaters fault) something must have changed in the relationship for this to occur... which means the other has been a part of that...
  Sometimes we fall off the horse with things, and we need others to snap us back into reality and tell us to fix it. Sometimes we need more information to fix what's wrong with us, sometimes it's unfixable. But if he had never cheated before, and suddenly started now, maybe it's a change in the relationship and the relationship can be rebuilt back to what it was, or even stronger.
  
  Although this person mentions that she and her H are 19 and 20.. I mean.. really? hah... He just wasn't ready to settle down.. Good luck to her on that one...

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• shan87

  

  August 2011 edited December 2011

  I'm in the mindset that once my trust is broken its always broken. She will ALWAYS wonder... is he still talking to her? Even if he doesn't she will always wonder.. its a recipe for a lifetime of unhappiness IMO.
  
  Having said that, I have never personally gone through cheating in a marriage. I was cheated on in HS in previous relationships but it seems unrelated IMO. I think people cheat for a variety of reasons and once you can identify the reason you can address it. But both parties have to be willing.

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• ggirl2001 member

  

  August 2011 edited December 2011

  My heart breaks for this girl, yes she is young and naive, but she is trying to stand by her marriage vows which I give her credit for.
  
  I can't imagine being married at 19 and being cheated on by husband, so I can't even fathom what I would do. I don't even know what I would do now. I would think it would depend on so many circumstances, was it a one time thing and he told me right after it happened? Or was it an affair? I feel like those could potentially change my answer.
  
  
  That being said, I am a therapist, so I would probably try counseling first, both marital and individual counseling as I feel that would be the only way it could possibly work.

  

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• calindi member

  

  August 2011 edited December 2011

  I dunno, it says it took place on line. I think I could get past chatting and exchanging pics more than actual physical contact. But even more than that, the fact that he lied to her on multiple occasions makes it harder to trust him. First he told her he wouldn't communicate with that girl, then she caught him and he lied again, which she discovered later by accident and then confirmed by investigation. A marriage takes two people, and it doesn't seem like he is at all invested in making it work if he is repeatedly lying. To me, that's an even bigger deal than having some naked pics. But I'm also someone who doesn't mind porn, but it definitely makes it worse when it's a "real person" as opposed to some slut getting paid for a skin flick.

  
  
  
  
  
  

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• mob2689

  

  August 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_ms-vicki-militarycom-sounds-off-cheating-hubby?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:203c59d2-de17-49e0-87a9-bb94ea0957a0Post:415398ae-daa1-41f2-8796-b658a5f17b7e">Re: Ms. Vicki from Military.com sounds off on a Cheating Hubby.</a>:
  [QUOTE]I'm in the mindset that once my trust is broken its always broken. She will ALWAYS wonder... Posted by shan87[/QUOTE]
  
  This exactly! I couldn't do it, I know myself way too well, and for his life to continue to be happy and healthy along with mine, I would have to get a divorce.
  
  ETA: Trust means everything to me, once you break it I feel there is no repairing it, as much as I wish it could be repaired my mind can't, it hits this 25' steel thick wall.

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• kara811 member

  

  August 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_ms-vicki-militarycom-sounds-off-cheating-hubby?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:203c59d2-de17-49e0-87a9-bb94ea0957a0Post:32176f9c-5cfc-4b81-888c-49bbccf862f2">Re: Ms. Vicki from Military.com sounds off on a Cheating Hubby.</a>:
  [QUOTE]Ms. Vickie sounds smart to me :-) However, I come from the place of if you cheat on me, I'm out. I don't care. Maybe it would be different if I were 19 or 20. I'm 29. If you cheat on me, see ya later. I have enough confidence and independence to know I could survive on my own. I don't need someone in my life who could do that to me. I might sound harsh but it's my absolute you better not do that to me.
  Posted by LetsHikeToday[/QUOTE]
  
  <div>Ditto all this. I have the same mindset. I am all for making the marriage work, but cheating is the ONE thing that I cannot stand. I have seen it too much in my family that I would never want it in my own marriage. </div><div>
  </div><div>H and I talked about this a long time ago, we both know that cheating is the one dealbreaker for both of us. He has the same thoughts as me in the subject. </div><div>
  </div><div>And as for what Shan said, I also agree. Once that trust is broken and you've been cheated on, you will always wonder and suspect. The trust will be very heard to earn back and in most cases I've seen, it's never worked out. </div>

  Planning Bio /Married Bio
  

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• KendallR10 member

  

  August 2011 edited December 2011

  I think its great that she wants to give it a try and give him another chance. I'm glad that she doesn't wanna just jump at getting a divorce. 

  Military Brides December 2011 Siggy. Holiday picture with your SO. We suck and don't have one Those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter.

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• bltata member

  

  August 2011 edited December 2011

  I think this is a sticky subject because it sounds like this was just online, but his prior relationship with this girl makes it even worse.  It doesn't sound like he had any physical contact which seems like it MIGHT be forgivable, but I probably wouldn't be able to fully trust again, either.
  
  I know you mentioned that you are a woman of faith and are trying to stand by your vows, which I completely respect, understand, and agree with.  However, the Bible DOES say that adultery or immorality are allowable reasons in God's eyes for the dissolution of a marriage so I would hate to see you stay with a man who refuses to love you the way you deserve just to honor your vows, when he clearly isn't honoring his.  Try to go to counseling with him and if he refuses or does no do well in counseling, please don't stay because you feel you have to.

  

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• LOLways

  

  August 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_ms-vicki-militarycom-sounds-off-cheating-hubby?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:203c59d2-de17-49e0-87a9-bb94ea0957a0Post:415398ae-daa1-41f2-8796-b658a5f17b7e">Re: Ms. Vicki from Military.com sounds off on a Cheating Hubby.</a>:
  [QUOTE]I'm in the mindset that once my trust is broken its always broken. She will ALWAYS wonder... is he still talking to her? Even if he doesn't she will always wonder.. its a recipe for a lifetime of unhappiness IMO.
  Posted by shan87[/QUOTE]
  
  <div>I think I share shan's opinion. The two dealbreakers in my book: don't cheat on me, and don't hit me/ our kids.</div><div>
  </div><div>Gettng back on topic, it would be great if the individual considering cheating (because it is a CHOICE, I don't subscribe to that "Oh, I'm a sex addict and need rehab, it's not my fault" philosophy) would realize marriage counseling is necessary. Or at least initiate some really meaningful dialogue between spouses. That said, it sounds like this guy was probably only cheating via phone/internet. I'd really struggle with getting past the issues that led to it in the first place. Obviously there is something that the offending husband in this case felt was missing (his youth/ sowing his oats/etc?) or wrong in his marriage. They shouldn't have gotten married at such a young age, because while maybe she was mature and ready (sounds like maybe she was), he clearly was not. The string of lies makes me think this guy isn't committed to his wife and she's certainly got some long odds to try to beat here. Sad.</div>

  

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