a few more guest list woes....

packlite · July 2010

so, i was hoping my post the other week would be the only one i needed but two more things happened yesterday that i needed to gripe about and also get your advice.

1. my FH cousin, or 2nd cousin, im not sure is invited to the wedding with a plus one, since she isnt married. she emailed yesterday to let me know her address had changed but that she did have mail forwarding. our invites are done and ready to be dropped in mail by our planner any day now (we are overseas). she also let me know that she was excited for us to see her 4 month old grandkid. here's the thing - for parents with adult kids - we could not invite the mother/dad and their kids, and their grandkids - it just wasnt possible with venue size and our budget. if there was an adult cousin/kid that one of us is close to we invited that person and the SO or +1, but we could do for all.

so her email to me implies that she is bringing at least her daughter and granddaughter to wedding. but i wanted to give her benefit of doubt since invites have not gone out and her invite does say her name and guest on it. so i typed "when will be able to meet your granddaughter? do you have any pics online she could share?" - this way, if she says at the wedding i can respond with the "as much as we wanted to invite everyone...but due to X..." and then say something like but if your granddaughter joins you for the weekend we would love to meet her while you are in town.

what do you think?

2. ok, so....i also found out on IM that my FMIL invited this same cousin from #1 to MY bridal shower in two weeks! she casually IM'd that she had invited cousin the shower. So I responded that my MOH and mom are arranging the shower and I had already sent them the guest list. I don't know all the details, but I do know that the restaurant space they reserved is limited so we need to keep track of who is invited and attending.

my worries - did she invite anyone else? what if this happens with out wedding? how do i handle this or do i ask FH to speak with her? was my response on IM ok?

I don't mind one extra person at the shower, but the fact that she wasnt on the list of people i wanted to be there that day and FMIL isnt hosting the shower or didnt ask first just makes me wonder what else i dont know about. one person is fine, and i wouldnt dis-invite the cousin to the shower, but what if its her 3 kids and the grandkid? i have no way of knowing right now....

UGH! needed to vent and would love your advice, whatever it may be.

PL

ZRex · July 2010

I think that once you send out the invites and specifically write who is invited, you shouldn't have a problem. Worst case scenario, she'll respond and say the baby is coming, and you can just call her and say that your budget and space didn't allow you to invite kids.

A lot of people get offended when they learn that their little angels aren't welcome in all corners of the world, so be prepared for that. We had a woman decline because she couldn't bring her five-year-old twins.

tidetravel · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-list-woes-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ace64190-14f8-4c7f-a8f2-719a22230d7cPost:ad17deba-6220-4657-b89a-c248f865760d">a few more guest list woes....</a>:
[QUOTE]so, i was hoping my post the other week would be the only one i needed but two more things happened yesterday that i needed to gripe about and also get your advice. 1. my FH cousin, or 2nd cousin, im not sure is invited to the wedding with a plus one, since she isnt married. she emailed yesterday to let me know her address had changed but that she did have mail forwarding. our invites are done and ready to be dropped in mail by our planner any day now (we are overseas). she also let me know that she was excited for us to see her 4 month old grandkid. here's the thing - for parents with adult kids - we could not invite the mother/dad and their kids, and their grandkids - it just wasnt possible with venue size and our budget. if there was an adult cousin/kid that one of us is close to we invited that person and the SO or +1, but we could do for all. so her email to me implies that she is bringing at least her daughter and granddaughter to wedding. but i wanted to give her benefit of doubt since invites have not gone out and her invite does say her name and guest on it. so i typed "when will be able to meet your granddaughter? do you have any pics online she could share?" - this way, if she says at the wedding i can respond with the "as much as we wanted to invite everyone...but due to X..." and then say something like but if your granddaughter joins you for the weekend we would love to meet her while you are in town. what do you think? 2. ok, so....i also found out on IM that my FMIL invited this same cousin from #1 to MY bridal shower in two weeks! she casually IM'd that she had invited cousin the shower. So I responded that my MOH and mom are arranging the shower and I had already sent them the guest list. I don't know all the details, but I do know that the restaurant space they reserved is limited so we need to keep track of who is invited and attending. my worries - did she invite anyone else? what if this happens with out wedding? how do i handle this or do i ask FH to speak with her? was my response on IM ok? I don't mind one extra person at the shower, but the fact that she wasnt on the list of people i wanted to be there that day and FMIL isnt hosting the shower or didnt ask first just makes me wonder what else i dont know about. one person is fine, and i wouldnt dis-invite the cousin to the shower, but what if its her 3 kids and the grandkid? i have no way of knowing right now.... UGH! needed to vent and would love your advice, whatever it may be. PL
Posted by packlite[/QUOTE]
To be fair, breastfed babies are generally considered the exception to the "no kids" rule around here. If you invited your aunt with a guest (which you did), and her guest happens to be her daughter that has an infant under 1 year old, then you should probably let the baby come. The baby will not affect your budget, nor the room capacity, because, well - it's a baby. Chances are, he/she will sleep through most of the day, anyway. Your other guests with children should not be offeneded that the baby is there, because, again - it's a baby. Most people can understand why an infant would be at a wedding with it's mother.

As far as the bridal shower, I think you did the right thing by referring her to the hosts. You may want to give the hosts a head's up about it.

packlite · July 2010

thanks, i did give my MOH a heads up, so she is prepared if one more person (or a few more surprises) attend.

i talked to my FI since this post at lunch today (we are out of US), and he was also bothered abt his mom inviting people, he offered to call or email her to discuss and request that it doesnt happen again - thank goodness!!!!!

Re: cousin invited to wedding - we invited her plus guest. we didnt invite any kids except for our nieces and nephews (two will be in WP), but we did invite ALL of them.

I didn't know the standard about infants being allowed to attend if they are breastfeeding, so thank you for bringing that to our attention.

I hate to say its a no kids wedding b/c obviously we invited the kids in our immediate family, but i would rather not have a 4 month old at the wedding. Of course cousin can bring one of her daughters as her +1, but didnt imagine that would end up meaning +2 due to a baby at an evening wedding and reception. We didn't even know she had a grandchild!

Hmmm....

quotequeen · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-list-woes-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ace64190-14f8-4c7f-a8f2-719a22230d7cPost:ee60e2cc-3135-4ac0-b8e4-3420a3901576">Re: a few more guest list woes....</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to a few more guest list woes.... : To be fair, breastfed babies are generally considered the exception to the "no kids" rule around here. If you invited your aunt with a guest (which you did), and her guest happens to be her daughter that has an infant under 1 year old, then you should probably let the baby come. The baby will not affect your budget, nor the room capacity, because, well - it's a baby. Chances are, he/she will sleep through most of the day, anyway. Your other guests with children should not be offeneded that the baby is there, because, again - it's a baby. Most people can understand why an infant would be at a wedding with it's mother. As far as the bridal shower, I think you did the right thing by referring her to the hosts. You may want to give the hosts a head's up about it.
Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]

I don't think I agree that somebody can wrangle an extra invitation by choosing a "plus one" who then gets to bring another guest. This is like saying that I can choose my married friend as my guest and then she will get to bring her husband because married couples always go together. If my friend were invited to the wedding she would have to be invited with her husband, but if I choose her as my guest her choice is to go without her husband or decline. My choice doesn't impose any additional obligations on the hosts of the event. The invited guest's daughter can similarly choose to attend without her baby or to decline the offer of being her mother's (one) guest.

parker624 · July 2010

Packlite, I think you handled this correctly. Are your mom and FMIL friends/friendlly? Maybe your mom can talk to FMIL about the shower guest list to get a confirmation of who actually she invited.

Tide, I think you might have read part 1 wrong, because the cousin is asking if her 4 mo old granddaughter could come to the wedding, when the daughter wasn't even invited. In that case, I think writing "when can I see granddaughter" was appropriate. See what happens when the rsvps come back before approaching it with her.

packlite · July 2010

thank you soooo much for ur advice everyone!

my family is friendly with future-in-laws, and i am friends with my FSIL, so I am going to talk to her today to see if anyone else was invited so I can give MOH a heads up just in case. MOH are really hosting the shower for me, but my mom has helped them to find locations and give ideas which is great since my MOHs have been my friends for years, its worked out! like i said, its pretty rude to invite ppl to an event you arent hosting, bu now that people are invited, i would hate to say, oh you cant come. i just want to know there is space for everyone there.

FI is also talking to FMIL, so i think we are ok there.

I will wait and see how cousin responds to when we can see her granddaughter. IF we had invited her daughter, then I could see the issue with the infant. once the invites go out, all rsvps will go to our planner and she is calling people who RSVP more than what was invited or dont RSVP on our behalf - which I am thrilled to not be part of

My only real gripe was FMIL inviting people to my shower, especially without giving me any heads up ...but its minor, just semed so HUGE when it happened

have a great day ladies!
PL

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