Are women just more okay with fat husbands?

ohwhynot · May 2010

I keep reading all these post secrets about fi's and husbands who are cruel to their fi's/wives because the women are fatter than the man deems acceptable. First, it makes me absolutely insane but second, I wonder why women don't seem to feel that way.

Maybe I'm wrong - do you think women are just more accepting of a few, or a bunch, of extra weight? In our case, when fi and I first started dating, he weighed twice what I did. Now, I've put on a few pounds and he's lost a bunch, but he still weighs about 100 pounds more than I do.

It's something I see again and again, though - thinner women with chubby-to-fat husbands/boyfriends. What's the deal, in your opinion?

Nebb · May 2010

I cant say, my husband has always been thinner than me, he is a bean pole.

kkchisholm · May 2010

I've cut down fi's portions at dinner because he has gained 25 lbs in the past 2 years

kkchisholm · May 2010

I should add that him gaining weight bothered him! So I cut his portions and I don't think he even noticed much.

salt78 · May 2010

DH and are are both fairly fit. I would have a problem with it if he gained 100 pounds. Not because I wouldn't love him anymore, but because it would be really unhealthy.

caseylynne21 · May 2010

i think that here is definitely more pressure on women to be thin than men, which could contribute to this phenomenon. but that just might be me

brookelynpaisley · May 2010

I've always liked big guys, so extra meat doesn't bother me. There are many more couples like Doug and Carrie on The King of Queens than the other way around. At the same time, I personally think both husbands and wives should try to look good for their partner. I think women are perceived more as "letting themselves go" when they get heavy. it's definitely a double standard.

*BeachBride0410* · May 2010

my hubby is 1foot & 4 inches taller then me and weighs about 115lbs than me. I like a guy with something to hold on to...

AlexiaANDRobert · May 2010

Ditto Nebb.

I actually had someone comment to me how great it must be to find a tall skinny guy cause they just love "the short fat girls."

Geee, thanks.

Nebb · May 2010

Adding to what i have said, I would have a hard time being attracted to my husband if he was extremely overweight. I would never LET it get to that point, its just the dynamic of our relationship - i handle all the food. I cant see it happening unless he has some kind of medical problem. I would probably struggle with attraction, but I would still love him.

ohwhynot · May 2010

See, kk, if I read that a man was secretly cutting his wife's portions because she'd gained weight, I'd be pissed at him. Even if she said she was unhappy about the weight gain. Why don't you just ask him if it's okay that you're doing that?

Nebb · May 2010

Another point ill make... ive found in my past that skinny guys are... bigger. You know. Dunno why.

september's bride · May 2010

Sometimes I think women just focus on different traits in men. Naturally we look for those who are appealing to us physically, but I think women still weigh things like personality, dependability, potential fatherhood, etc at least as heavily (if not more heavily) than they do the physical aspect. It's the only thing I can think of that explains this phenomenon!

ricksang · May 2010

My husband has gained about 70/80 lbs since we have been together. It bothers me a lot but I'd never give him an ultimatum or tell him it bothers me so much. I love him no matter what.

jaimebeth9 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_women-just-okay-fat-husbands?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:92960879-bbde-42b6-82d2-87ba2d13d7aePost:f238d886-4f40-42e5-8914-21c63d78a113">Re: Are women just more okay with fat husbands?</a>:
[QUOTE]I cant say, my husband has always been thinner than me, he is a bean pole.
Posted by Nebb[/QUOTE]
Same here.

Nebb · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_women-just-okay-fat-husbands?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:92960879-bbde-42b6-82d2-87ba2d13d7aePost:af4bffea-346b-4dcf-b749-c37d569c9f9f">Re: Are women just more okay with fat husbands?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Are women just more okay with fat husbands? : Same here.
Posted by jaimebeth9[/QUOTE]
HOLY CRAP I didnt realize it was you, I was thrown off by the gigantic cat!! I cant remember the last time I saw you post!

ricksang · May 2010

Hi Jamie!

tenofcups4me · May 2010

I'm not at all convinced that there are more thin women with fat husbands around than the other way around. I'm just trying to think of the couples I know and in most cases, it seems the husband and wife are pretty much on par with each other (both thin, both heavy, etc.). I've never noticed an abundance of thin women with heavy men. Then again, I'm always surprised by how many heavy people there are around of both sexes.

And no, I wouldn't be "accepting" if DH gained a lot of weight. Of course I love him for who he is, but part of who he is in a thin man. I'm sure I wouldn't just stop loving him if he suddenly gained weight, but I'm equally sure it would be disappointing. I imagine he'd feel the same about me if I put on a ton of weight--I wouldn't quite be "me" anymore.

aggiebug · May 2010

Nebb- Dr. Ox talked about that once, they hold a lot of weight in that area so it "shinks" when they are fat.

and FI and I have discussions about health a lot. we weight virtually the same and are basically the same height. We would both bring it up to the other if our habits are getting bad for our health, Its all a health thing though.

louisvillebride21 · May 2010

I'm not gonna lie, I hope FI doesn't gain anymore weight and keeps losing. I've ALWAYS been extremely attracted to him, but I can't say I didn't wish he didn't have a pudge. But at the same time, I think I'm more aware of it because HE's so aware of it. The rest of his body is amazing, but he can't get rid of that stomach pudge. However, I have one too, so I can't really say anything. Now that we live together, I'm going to be a lot more strict with what he eats. He has no will power and eats like crap and tries to work it off in the gym. Now that I'm in control of his food, he'll be getting a lot more healthy stuff in there. I have the opposite problem. I eat ok, but I despise working out. Not to mention, he'd be ridic huge if he gained a lot of weight. I mean, he already weighs like 280, but a really good portion of that is in height and muscle.

K Byte · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_women-just-okay-fat-husbands?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:92960879-bbde-42b6-82d2-87ba2d13d7aePost:646f70a8-c724-497c-ac3e-96fb3dbaa1bf">Re: Are women just more okay with fat husbands?</a>:
[QUOTE]Another point ill make... ive found in my past that skinny guys are... bigger. You know. Dunno why.
Posted by Nebb[/QUOTE]
Skinny guys are totally my "type" for various reasons and this is one of them ... I completely agree with your observation haha.

kkchisholm · May 2010

Own-I am not secretly doing it. If he asked if he had less chicken, I'd tell him. I am the one who makes dinner and I have been making less food.

Moneypenny424 · May 2010

I'd love Mr. Penny if he gained weight, though I agree that I'd be concerned for his health if he packed on 100 lbs or something. We've both gained a few pounds since the wedding, but we're both fit people.

I think, like PP said, it is related to society's expectations for women's weight. There just isn't the same emphasis on men's weight.

Nebb · May 2010

I had a talk recently with my husband about weight - were dealing with him getting to THIN and I have had to talk to him about my concerns for his health and that he needs to start eating better and I wish he would have said the same to me before my weight got out of control like it did. He thinks I would have ripped his head of, and I might have, but sometimes you NEED to hear the truth to realize you have a problem and I would hope he would show me the same respect.

number55 · May 2010

FI is in way better shape than me, and likely always will be. It doesn't help that he is over six years younger, has awesome metabolism, and plays rugby and softball...he is over 6 foot 3 and he weights less than 200 pounds. I only weight about 20 lbs less than him. I would still love him if he gained weight but his body is mighty hot the way it is right now...

lauralaur · May 2010

We've both gained quite a bit of weight since we first met. He had just finished basic training and I was actually about 10 lbs under weight at that point. Right now, neither of us is happy. I find him to be less attractive and I find myself to be less attractive.

Anywho, it's never bothered me that he's quite a bit heavier than me. When he was a bit lighter, I thought he was really sexy even though he wasn't muscular or anything. Now, I don't find it to be so attractive. Sometimes I think I could find a fitter guy, but I know I could never find someone who treats me as well as H does. It's cheesy, but it's true.

I lost my point somewhere in there. ^

louisvillebride21 · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_women-just-okay-fat-husbands?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:92960879-bbde-42b6-82d2-87ba2d13d7aePost:c8c8f906-dfd8-428a-8781-33bc7abdf72b">Re: Are women just more okay with fat husbands?</a>:
[QUOTE]Own-I am not secretly doing it. If he asked if he had less chicken, I'd tell him. I am the one who makes dinner and I have been making less food.
Posted by kkchisholm[/QUOTE]
Yeah, I can't say that I see a problem with this either. I make the food and serve it to him. If he wants seconds, I make him about 1/4 of what I gave him in the first place. But, he knows how I serve him and he's never complained. Obvioulsy if he's super hungry and been working hard all day, he 'gets' more, but if it's been a typical day, I portion out his meals. It's healthier for him. Even still, I probably give him a fairly big portion. Me, I eat probably half of what a 'normal' person eats. But I eat a million times a day.

ricksang · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_women-just-okay-fat-husbands?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:92960879-bbde-42b6-82d2-87ba2d13d7aePost:1ab48179-7ed2-4d8b-a393-9c47f7994cb5">Re: Are women just more okay with fat husbands?</a>:
[QUOTE]I had a talk recently with my husband about weight - were dealing with him getting to THIN and I have had to talk to him about my concerns for his health and that he needs to start eating better and I wish he would have said the same to me before my weight got out of control like it did. He thinks I would have ripped his head of, and I might have, but sometimes you NEED to hear the truth to realize you have a problem and I would hope he would show me the same respect.
Posted by Nebb[/QUOTE]

Gah, I wish this worked on my husband. I guess I am kind of getting a taste of what I will be dealing with when I get out of school.

mizri · May 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_women-just-okay-fat-husbands?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:92960879-bbde-42b6-82d2-87ba2d13d7aePost:646f70a8-c724-497c-ac3e-96fb3dbaa1bf">Re: Are women just more okay with fat husbands?</a>:
[QUOTE]Another point ill make... ive found in my past that skinny guys are... bigger. You know. Dunno why.
Posted by Nebb[/QUOTE]

<div>I've noticed that too. But I'd rather be with a man that is bigger than me. I'm kinda tiny (bigger now that I've had 2 kids) and I like feeling like a man can protect me. I dated a guy for a while that was about 20 pounds lighter than me and 4-6 inches taller. It was like being with a skeleton. But he was ...... bigger..... lol</div>

bel138 · May 2010

It's more socially acceptable for men to be overweight. When I think about it, it might be a leftover from when men were breadwinners and "thinkers" and women were there to look pretty and cook dinner. It didn't matter if a woman was smart; if she was overweight, she was completely undesirable as wife since she had no other "function." Or it could be that we cut each other down all the time and are competetive with one another. Who knows.

DH is twice my weight, plus a few. He is also a foot taller than me. I like solid men, but he's really at an unhealthy size. He's gained a lot of weight since we've been together, and an even greater amount since about junior year of college. It really hurts me that I can't seem to find a way to support him enough to help him, and I'm a doctor, FFS. He travels all the time, and he says it's just so difficult to eat healthily on the road. Recently I've gotten him on a kick with simple natural foods by joining a CSA share. I'm hoping that will help him out. But when you eat 18 out of 21 meals in a fast food restaurant every week, it's hard to make the right choices over and over.

I am still as attracted to him as the day we met. Granted, he wasn't a skinny boy at that time either. But if we're going to be completely honest, his size (coupled with how small I am) makes certain adult activities difficult sometimes. His self esteem is also horrible, and his libido is crap. I wish I could do more, but the desire to change has to come from within. I just can't figure out what to do to spark his desire for health.

ohwhynot · May 2010

Kk and LVB, that makes sense. I just read the original post by kk in a way that didn't sit right; thanks for clarifying!

Are women just more okay with fat husbands?

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