Family doesn't approve, what do I do?

shicks19 · December 2010

Okay so heres the story: andrew and i are young (18 & 20) but in love and only want to be with eachother forever. We plan to move together next fall for schooling a hr away from our families. There was no "proper proposal" one day we talked about how we wanted to get married and decided to set a date (sept 22, 2011) and start planning. The ring isn't in the picture bc the ring I would like is the one my Dad gave my mom but my mom will not let me have it. So last night we had a talk with my mom, aunt (whos very important in my life-she lives with us) and andrew and myself. My mom and aunt basically didn't even consider us getting married in sept an option. They refuse to help or approve if we get married anytime before 2013! This is stupid. I'm really close with my family and would like for them to help. I'm hesitant on getting married without their support but Andrew and I are serious about this and don't want my family to brush it off as if we don't know what we're talking about.

Another bump in the plans: my sisters boyfriend told me that he plans to propose Dec 30 of this year. My sister and her boyfriend have only been dating a few months longer then Andrew and I but my sister is 25. I've talked with my mom about my sister and her bf getting married already and my mom said she would approve bc "they're already living in sin (sleeping around and living together)" which basically implies that in order for me and andrew to get the "ok" for marriage is to mess up first, That shouldn't be the message moms give their children but it is in my situation.

I don't know what to do. What are my options? Marry in sept with no family support (means basically a court house wedding which im okay with)? Move in the fall without being married and "live in sin"? Wait and hurt mine and andrews relationship bc i care too much about my family's opinion? What other options are there? Someone please help I'm unsure of what to do..

redheadfsu · December 2010

Well these are YOUR choices. We can't tell you what to do, as we are strangers but...

1. What is the rush? If you are going to be together forever, why can't you wait to get married? Waiting will not hurt your relationship. Waiting can only make it stronger, if you are meant to be together. Now rushing can destroy a relationship.
2 I think you are really young.
3. College opens you up to tons of experiences that change who you are. In my experiences, most of the high-school couples that started college together did not graduate together.
4. Marrying young is hard. You don't have a career yet, so you don't have much money. Money issues can really destroy a relationship.
5. Eloping when your family is against it is going to make it worse. I'm sure your family will still love you, but they will resent what you did.
6. The difference in a 18 year-old & an 25 year-old is huge. I can understand why your mom feels differently about your sister.

garcias1 · December 2010

Maybe the reason your parents are ok with your sister's wedding is because she is 7 years older than you, not just that she is "living in sin." Also, if they are not living with their parents and are paying most of their bills, than they have more life experience than you and are much better equipped to make a life decision like getting married. I know you don't want to hear that you are too young, but it's unlikely that you are as mature and experienced as your sister at this point. That's just the honest truth. I would say wait a couple of years. Move out (move in together, if you want) and start paying your own bills for a couple years. If you still want to be together, then you will be ready to be married.

NotPersephone · December 2010

College changes everything. Really. It's just impossible to know and predict what those changes are going to be upfront so I would try to give yourself the room that you need so make changes as the circumstances change.

If you have a fantastic relationship now, enjoy that. Look forward to the future along with the present. Be confident about who you are as an individual and as a couple. You are in no way failing in your relationship if you can see the next step but decide to wait to take it just yet. You say that waiting will hurt your relationship but I am just not sure how that is possible if you are in a mutually supportive relationship. Can you name specific reasons why you think that waiting will hurt your relationship? If you can, then maybe we can give you better (by which I mean less generic) advice.

You put "living in sin" in quotes so I am going to ask: would you mind living with your partner before you are married? From what you say, it sounds like your folks might mind but you need to be able to make independent and controversial decisions with confidence before you pick the legal (not to mention religious) baggage of marriage. If you are not opposed, I would try living with each other first. If it is important to you to be engaged, the be fiance/fiancee, but there is no need to set a date just yet. I don't think that I would have been able to grow in college if I moved in with my HS sweetheart but this is for you to think about and decide. You never know what you will learn living with a person.

There are lots of reasons to wait--somehow I think you've already heard most of them. Nonetheless, one of them is knowing that you two can handle new challenges, like college, as a pair. I would let that experience bring you closer organically rather than relying on the external forces of marriage to bind you together as you leave the proverbial nest.

I really hated being told that I needed to "become my own person" when I was your age but a decade later, I realize that it turned out to be completely true.

kmabjo · December 2010

If yo know you want to be together forever there is no need to rush thorugh it. You BOTH need to get through college and get settled. Weddings are not cheap. If your amilies are against it it is probably for a good reason.

tldh · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_family-doesnt-approve?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:ebf51180-986f-4093-b862-37e61c40c17cPost:17a97ed1-03f4-456a-917a-ee10ad3e6ef4">Re: Family doesn't approve, what do I do?</a>:
[QUOTE]Well these are YOUR choices. We can't tell you what to do, as we are strangers but... 1. What is the rush? If you are going to be together forever, why can't you wait to get married? Waiting will not hurt your relationship. Waiting can only make it stronger, if you are meant to be together. Now rushing can destroy a relationship. 2 I think you are really young. 3. College opens you up to tons of experiences that change who you are. In my experiences, most of the high-school couples that started college together did not graduate together. 4. Marrying young is hard. You don't have a career yet, so you don't have much money. Money issues can really destroy a relationship. 5. Eloping when your family is against it is going to make it worse. I'm sure your family will still love you, but they will resent what you did. 6. The difference in a 18 year-old & an 25 year-old is huge. I can understand why your mom feels differently about your sister.
Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]

This!!!

OP you both need to be on your own and standing on your own two feet before you get married. You both need to know what it is like to pay rent every month, pay the utility bills, pay car loans and repairs, pay insurance and pay for gas and groceries every week. You have to consider all of the incredibly unromantic things that come with life and get complicated by marriage.

Right now, you are living in a tiny world - and I would say this even if your were in New York or London. Once you go to college you see everything, including yourself differently. My brother and SIL began dating when they were 16 and 15. They never dated anyone else and didn't get married until they were 27 and 26 and would be the first to tell you that they are only together now because they waited.

I will add another benefit to waiting and not living together for a while - he will know how to take care of himself also. DH and I split the cleaning, each do out own laundry, whomever gets home from work first cooks a homemade dinner and the other cleans up, last out of the house in the morning makes the bed. When we started remodeling, my bathroom was the first thing done. These are not the actions of a highschool boyfriend who had never been on his own. These are the actions of a man who stood on his own two feet for years before he came into my life.

tldh · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_family-doesnt-approve?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:ebf51180-986f-4093-b862-37e61c40c17cPost:3f9a7afa-03c3-447b-adee-39bd49e037ce">Family doesn't approve, what do I do?</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay so heres the story: andrew and i are young (18 & 20) but in love and only want to be with eachother forever. We plan to move together next fall for schooling a hr away from our families. There was no "proper proposal" one day we talked about how we wanted to get married and decided to set a date (sept 22, 2011) and start planning. The ring isn't in the picture bc the ring I would like is the one my Dad gave my mom but my mom will not let me have it. :/ So last night we had a talk with my mom, aunt (whos very important in my life-she lives with us) and andrew and myself. My mom and aunt basically didn't even consider us getting married in sept an option. They refuse to help or approve if we get married anytime before 2013! This is stupid. I'm really close with my family and would like for them to help. I'm hesitant on getting married without their support but Andrew and I are serious about this and don't want my family to brush it off as if we don't know what we're talking about. Another bump in the plans: my sisters boyfriend told me that he plans to propose Dec 30 of this year. My sister and her boyfriend have only been dating a few months longer then Andrew and I but my sister is 25. I've talked with my mom about my sister and her bf getting married already and my mom said she would approve bc "they're already living in sin (sleeping around and living together)" which basically implies that in order for me and andrew to get the "ok" for marriage is to mess up first, That shouldn't be the message moms give their children but it is in my situation. I don't know what to do. What are my options? Marry in sept with no family support (means basically a court house wedding which im okay with)? Move in the fall without being married and "live in sin"? Wait and hurt mine and andrews relationship bc i care too much about my family's opinion? What other options are there? Someone please help I'm unsure of what to do..
Posted by shicks19[/QUOTE]

garcias1 · December 2010

Two more things:

1. I've never heard anyone say that they are sorry they waited to get married. However, I have heard people say that they are sorry they rushed in to marriage or got married so young (some of these people are already divorced and are under the age of 30).

2. You want to get married Sept 2012. Your mom won't support a wedding before 2013. Why can't you wait 3 months and get married in 2013? It's not like they told you to wait until 2015.

tldh · December 2010

One more thing: If you cannot see the difference bewteen your situation and that of your 25 year old sister, you are definitely too young to get married.

vicki0508 · December 2010

I think getting married so young would be really difficult. Not having parental support would make it even more difficult. It doesn't sound like they are disapproving of your relationship or the fact that you want to get married, they just want you to wait a little bit longer.

I think you should wait a little longer to get married, stay engaged longer and let your family warm up to the idea. There's no reason to rush into it.

DanielleZZ · December 2010

I am a younger bride(22) and I know what it feels like to get the "your to young to get married speech" but here is my advice/story from personal experience. This is just my opinion so take it or leave (sorry if it gets really long, I tend to ramble).

My FI and I started dating when we were 15. He proposed a few months later. Our original plan was to get married right after high school graduation. I developed severe depression and bipolar disorder (runs in my family) which really tested our relationship and matured both of us. At the end of 11th grade I decided I wanted to go away to college, he didn't want to come so we temporarily ended the engagement and I went away to school. During that year I didn't really change or grow like people say it just reinforced what I knew all along that I wanted him. I transferred schools, moved back home, and moved in with him. This was where we grew: living together, going to school, working, and paying bills matured both of us and gave us realistic goals. After living together for 2 1/2 years he proposed again and we started planning the wedding for after college graduation. Some people thought we were still too young and gave us crap, especially our friends but our parents were very supportive. This meant the world to me; while I knew that I was ready for marriage, knowing that my parents thought we were ready as well was like icing on the cake. As much as I knew I was ready if my parents would have been unsure I would have reconsidered because they know me better than anyone. (They also knew FI and I's relationship very well as we lived with my parents for 2 years).

I hate when people tell me I am too young for marriage because know one knows what our relationship has been through also everyone grows and matures at a different ages (FI and I have been through hell together). I also hate when people say you need to live your life first, everyone has different goals and priority for their life. I am not telling you that you are too young but it sounds like your family is very close and so they probably know you very well and just want the best for you. While I don't agree that college changes everyone and what not, I think down the road you would regret not having your parents support. I would move in together (if thats something that you would feel comfortable with) and wait a year and then see if your parents are coming around at all.
Good Luck! (I hope this all made sense, sorry if it didn't)

jagore08 · December 2010

I agree with everything Redhead said.

Also, my DH and I were together since we were 16 and married when we were 27. We also knew that we wanted to be together for the rest of our lives but we waited. We waited until we were financially able to pay for our own wedding, live on our own (we lived together for several years before we married), and emotionally ready to start our lives together. Sure, we thought we were mature enough to get married when we were younger but we changed A LOT between 18 and 27. Luckily we changed together, not all couples are fortunate enough to say that.

What I am trying to say is if you two know you want to spend the rest of your lives together, what's the rush? Don't you want your parents to be happy for you on your wedding day? Don't you want them to be there and support your marriage? It won't hurt anything to wait a couple of years.

deepcovejackie · December 2010

Your mom and your aunt are right. Wait to get married, for all the reasons pp`s have stated. Also, I don`t think it`s fair for you to expect your mom to give you her ring. Wait for her to offer it, if that`s what she`d like to do.

jagore08 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_family-doesnt-approve?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:ebf51180-986f-4093-b862-37e61c40c17cPost:8dd54022-e9e9-4045-a043-2b87a3e6c8ad">Re: Family doesn't approve, what do I do?</a>:
[QUOTE]Your mom and your aunt are right. Wait to get married, for all the reasons pp`s have stated. Also, I don`t think it`s fair for you to expect your mom to give you her ring. Wait for her to offer it, if that`s what she`d like to do.
Posted by deepcovejackie[/QUOTE]<div>I completely forgot to mention that. OP, if you mom doesn't offer her ring there's nothing you can do about that. It's hers to do with what she wants.

</div>

mkrupar · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_family-doesnt-approve?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:ebf51180-986f-4093-b862-37e61c40c17cPost:a69468b7-f97d-4855-86a9-d52512d66d33">Re: Family doesn't approve, what do I do?</a>:
[QUOTE]I am a younger bride(22) and I know what it feels like to get the "your to young to get married speech" but here is my advice/story from personal experience. This is just my opinion so take it or leave (sorry if it gets really long, I tend to ramble). My FI and I started dating when we were 15. He proposed a few months later. Our original plan was to get married right after high school graduation. I developed severe depression and bipolar disorder (runs in my family) which really tested our relationship and matured both of us. At the end of 11th grade I decided I wanted to go away to college, he didn't want to come so we temporarily ended the engagement and I went away to school. During that year I didn't really change or grow like people say it just reinforced what I knew all along that I wanted him. I transferred schools, moved back home, and moved in with him. This was where we grew: living together, going to school, working, and paying bills matured both of us and gave us realistic goals. After living together for 2 1/2 years he proposed again and we started planning the wedding for after college graduation. Some people thought we were still too young and gave us crap, especially our friends but our parents were very supportive. This meant the world to me; while I knew that I was ready for marriage, knowing that my parents thought we were ready as well was like icing on the cake. As much as I knew I was ready if my parents would have been unsure I would have reconsidered because they know me better than anyone. (They also knew FI and I's relationship very well as we lived with my parents for 2 years). I hate when people tell me I am too young for marriage because know one knows what our relationship has been through also everyone grows and matures at a different ages (FI and I have been through hell together). I also hate when people say you need to live your life first, everyone has different goals and priority for their life. I am not telling you that you are too young but it sounds like your family is very close and so they probably know you very well and just want the best for you. While I don't agree that college changes everyone and what not, I think down the road you would regret not having your parents support. I would move in together (if thats something that you would feel comfortable with) and wait a year and then see if your parents are coming around at all. Good Luck! (I hope this all made sense, sorry if it didn't)
Posted by DanielleZZ[/QUOTE]

Did you even give being apart and growing on your own a chance when you only went away for a year. I have a sneaking suspicion that you spent most of that year talking and missing your boyfriend without really ever giving living on your own a chance.

What bills were you paying while living with your parents for 2 years. You lived together for 2 1/2 years and he proposed, but 2 of those years were with your parents. You two didn't really get a chance to stand on your own two feet. I'm glad you have your parents support and all, but I don't think you can be as mature as you say if you haven't lived on your own for a while. It takes a lot to pay rent, car payment, insurance, buy groceries, electric, water, gas, etc. Did you pay any of those things while living with your parents?

OP - LIsten to tildh she is very wise. She gave you many reasons why you should wait. (as did other PPs) Having your parents support should be the biggest reason of all. If you two love each other and you know it will last forever then just wait. The love will still be there whether or not you get married in a year or 5 years. If you really want it to last you'll give yourselves a chance to grow together and learn from one another without being married.

Kristin789 · December 2010

This is nearly 2011.
You can spend 2011 working WITH your mother, aunt, and sister in planning your sister's wedding - so you can see what this is all about.
Then you can spend 2012 planning your own wedding, and get married on MLK weekend in January 2013 which is already a holiday weekend. A friend of mine got married on the Sunday of MLK weekend and she said everything was about 1/2 price because it was a Sunday when nothing was going to be happening at the venue at all.

musicalsunlight · December 2010

I agree with the PP's about everything they have said about waiting. I understand it is frustrating to be judged for being young. I am only several years older (22) but the amount I have experienced and matured from since graduating high school is immense. There is definitely something to be said for experiencing some "real life" things before getting engaged (living on your own, paying bills, having a full time job OR going to college, etc).

My FI's younger brother and his GF are engaged and got engaged right after high school. My FI and I got engaged about 3 months ago, and already have a date planned far before theirs. Neither of them have lived completely on their own and her family is against the wedding at this point (because of their age, etc...similar to your situation). They have had to push the wedding back to the point of it being an ambiguous plan in the far future. Point being, there was really no point of getting engaged since they don't even have half of the family on board yet. I think your family would be much more supportive if you waited a while. Of course, no one can tell you what to do, but I would say to ask yourself if it is worth potentially burning bridges with your mom and other family by rebelling and eloping. HTH.

misskrysbaby · December 2010

I agree with the PP's here in that I think a couple really should be able to support THEMSELVES before they get married. Not living with your parents, not living with another family member, moving out (with or without your SO) and paying your own bills, making your OWN way. And yes, you absolutely need to live your life first before thinking about marriage. We're not saying apart necessarily, but enjoying your relationship and becoming stable as a couple and as a person before marriage. The difference between 18 and 25 (or even 20 and 25) is great, especially if you've never been out on your own.

In the end, it's not just about age, it's about life experiences and stability.

MissOwl · December 2010

SO and i have been dating since we were 16 years old. we are now 26. we are not engaged yet because i wanted to finish not only college but grad school first. we now both have steady jobs and hefty savings and are planning on getting engaged this coming year.

like you, i was ready to get married at 18. i totally know how that feels. however, coming from someone who has been through the wait, it truly is worth it. SO and i are completely different people now. as much as i thought i was ready 8 years ago, we really truly are ready to be married now. hope this helps.

Summer2011Bride · December 2010

My FI and I "knew" we wanted to get married also about a year into dating, when I was 19 and he was 20. We did get impatient and many of our friends who had been dating less than us got married before us. But we waited until we are now 24 and 25 (will be 25 and 26 on the wedding day). I have absolutely NO regrets we waited.

OP: I get where you're coming from. I really do, because I was there. We looked at rings when I was 21 and my mom kept saying we were too young. We put off getting engaged another 2.5 years. We grew up a lot during that time, both as a couple and individually. We're on our own with jobs and can financially support ourselves. I would NOT have wanted to be married in college; I can see that now, but hindsight is 20/20.

I really think you should wait. I would give this advice to any 18 year old who is just starting college. If the relationship is meant to be, it will be whether in two years or ten. If nothing else, wait a year or two and see where things stand. I don't see the rush.

Enami · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_family-doesnt-approve?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:ebf51180-986f-4093-b862-37e61c40c17cPost:17a97ed1-03f4-456a-917a-ee10ad3e6ef4">Re: Family doesn't approve, what do I do?</a>:
[QUOTE]The difference in a 18 year-old & an 25 year-old is huge.
Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]

Agreed. I am not the same person I was when I was 18, and that was only 3.5 years ago. I am also not with the same guy I started college dating (we'd been dating a year before college even started), and we dated for 3 years altogether. College does change who you are and how you are. Things that were important to you when you started aren't what are important to you when you're almost done (reasons I've changed my major twice). How long have you been dating? Are you opposed to living in sin? What are your morals? Why doesn't your family apporve of him and your relationship? I think you should wait personally, but I'm jaded.

GreenPepperBurger · December 2010

Here's an idea: Just be together in your relationship for now. If it's as fantastic as you say it is, it isn't going anywhere. Go to school, graduate, get established and then talk about marriage.

MLekathLEEN · December 2010

Just because the government says you can get married, doesn't mean you should.
What would it hurt if you waited a few years? My FI and I were wanted to get married at 18/17. We thought it through and decided that waiting until we were older is a much better idea. Not only could we afford to NOT live in his parents basement after our JOP wedding (since our parents probably wouldn't approve of a REAL wedding, imagine that?), but we could also drink at our wedding.

oceana919 · December 2010

1) There is a vast difference between 18 years old and 25 years old. I suspect that your mother's approval of your sister's engagement is based more on her age and maturity level (living on their own, financially supporting themselves, etc.) rather than the fact that she's "sleeping around".

2) The fact that you can't find any reason that your family would approve of your adult sister getting engaged other than "she's sleeping around" reeks of immaturity and jealousy on your part. I sincerely hope your sister does not have any clue that that's how you feel about her impending engagement, because if my sister felt that way about mine, I'd be a) very upset, and b) resentful as hell.

3) Living with a romantic partner is about more than just having a free pass for sex. I moved in with my FI prior to our engagement a) so we could save money by cohabitating (to put towards our future) and b) to be sure that I would be able to live with him. Living with him has only reinforced what I love about him and brought attention to the things about him I don't exactly love. We've learned what makes each other tick, and how best to cohabitate with one another. Living together has strengthened our relationship. Have you ever considered that perhaps this is the reason your sister lives with her SO?

4) Your mother's ring is your mother's ring. She has every right to keep it for herself until she's gone or to pass it on to you when she feels it is proper to do so.

5) You are 18 years old. He is 20 years old. You are still very, very young. You still have a lot of growing, learning, evolving to do. The best thing you can do for yourself, your BF, and your relationship is to allow that growing and evolving to take place before you are married. Either you will figure out this is not what you want and save yourself the financial/emotional cost of a divorce, or you will grow together and start your marriage off on solid footing.

6) The best thing anyone can do for their marriage is to start it off on stable financial footing. Nurturing and strengthening a new marriage is a big enough job by itself - throwing in the stress of being in a poor financial situation will make it 1000x harder. Until you can live completely on your own (financially independent of your parents) and can assume all responsibility for all your financial obligations (tuition, rent, utilities, credit cards, etc.), you should not get married. Period.

7) What is the rush? If you are so sure that you want to spend the rest of your lives together, why not wait to get married? In the span of a lifetime of marriage, waiting two more years is a blip in the radar.

[Deleted User] · December 2010

1. I'm sure I'm not the only person here that will say this... At 18 years old, I had NO IDEA what true love really was... I'm 28 y.o. now and I finally know enough to say that while I love my BF of a year, the idealistic view of being 'in love' is not something I relate to. If that makes no sense to you, then, you really should consider waiting much longer than 2013, like your mother suggested!

2. As PP's have already said, College is a time of growth. This is likely the first time either of you have ever been away from your families... Take the time to be away from each other. See if your relationship can stand the test of distance and the experiences you will have without being attached to each others hips. The mistake made by young couples is to attach yourselves to each other out of insecurity because you can't handle the other person being able to live and breathe without you.

3. I could give you the benefit of the doubt and say that you want your mother's engagement ring because it holds sentimental value... but that's a stretch! My true belief is that you want your mothers engagement ring because your boyfriend is a 20 year old student who can't afford a ring that will satisfy you.

4. You want them to help (ie PAY FOR IT)... not because you're close... but because neither of you can afford a wedding.

5. Your parents approve of your sisters marriage because she is 25 years old, lives on her own, pays her own bills and has had 7 years worth of life experiences that you have not had.

My advice:

Go to college... not with your boyfriend...
Focus on a career path...
Live on your own for a few years... Learn how to pay bills...
Come back here in 7 years (when you're your sister's current age) and let us know where you are in your life and your relationship.

megk8oz · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_family-doesnt-approve?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:ebf51180-986f-4093-b862-37e61c40c17cPost:3f9a7afa-03c3-447b-adee-39bd49e037ce">Family doesn't approve, what do I do?</a>:
[QUOTE]What are my options? Marry in sept with no family support (means basically a court house wedding which im okay with)? Move in the fall without being married and "live in sin"? Wait and hurt mine and andrews relationship bc i care too much about my family's opinion? What other options are there? Someone please help I'm unsure of what to do..
Posted by shicks19[/QUOTE]

I'm not really sure why waiting would "hurt" your relationship. Going to college,
establishing careers, living independently, essentially becoming "real" adults ... how are doing any of these things going to "hurt" your relationship? If anything, rushing into a marriage now risks doing much more damage to your relationship than waiting another year or 2.

If you're truly meant to be married, waiting a few more years isn't going to change that. If you really believe otherwise, then your relationship isn't one that should be resulting in a marriage.

PaigeMcC · December 2010

I think you should just stomp your foot and cry. Maybe that will convince your mom to give up her ring and let you get married.

[Deleted User] · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_family-doesnt-approve?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:ebf51180-986f-4093-b862-37e61c40c17cPost:ce615016-4a84-4365-8aaa-cb29bbabe8ae">Re: Family doesn't approve, what do I do?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you should just stomp your foot and cry. Maybe that will convince your mom to give up her ring and let you get married.
Posted by PaigeMcC[/QUOTE]

LMAO! Paige!! I'd appreciate a warning prior to these outbursts!! Now, I have to dry off my desk!! lol

calindi · December 2010

Here's what I have to say about age - it doesn't matter as much as maturity. And yes, I'm sure you think you're plenty mature, but I can tell you 100% certainty that you are not mature enough to get married. And yes, I can tell that from the one post. Why? Because you still feel you need your Mom's approval, you're jealous of your sister and can't understand why a 25 year old getting married is different than an 18 year old getting married, and you expect your Mom to give you her ring just because you want it. I don't need any more information, and with that much, there's nothing you can do to show me you're ready for this step. You're not. End of story.

And here's how you show you're mature enough to get married - if you have paid all your bills (rent, utilities, cable/internet, cell phone, car payments, car insurance, credit card bills, etc.) for 2 years, have the education necessary to get a job to support yourself, have a job that pays enough to start putting aside money for savings, be able to make your own decisions without your parents' approval - if you have all these things, then I'm not going to say you aren't mature enough to get married. But I strongly doubt you have these things, which is probably why your Mom thinks it's best for you to take your time. And your sister probably does, which is why it's a whole different story.

So your options are to rush into marriage without your families' support, probably have a rough start as neither of you are financially or emotionally ready for this step, and likely end up miserable if not divorced. Or you can wait, enjoy your relationship, be excited for your sister, and grow together for a few years before you've achieved those qualifications above (paying bills on your own for 2 years, have enough education to get a good job, have a job that pays enough to start saving, be independent) - THEN you guys can get married!

jemmini6 · December 2010

OP- I sincerely hope that you will heed the advice you were given here. I promise, we aren't all judgemental, upity bitches who are just trying to ruin your happiness. We have all been there and know exactly what you are feeling, but trust us on this, waiting to get married can only make your relationship stronger and give your marriage a better shot at success later in life.

Please seriously consider each and every piece of advice that you've received here and take some time to think about WHY each of these are relavent. Even if you still choose to get married now, you can at least say that you have truly thought through every reason against it, although I hope you will see that it really is best to give it a few more years.

verymegv · December 2010

i pretty much read most of the posts, and i don't think this was said yet...

yes, everyone is saying "you're too young" "wait to get married" which all may be the proper advice, but i don't think wanting your parents' approval is a bad thing.

you are old enough to decide what choices you want in life, and my FI and I made our own life plans without our families, but we both love them very much, and their support is a huge factor in why we all believe that our marriage will be successful. the support of our families is necessary for some people, so i can see why that hurts you.

a really mature thing for you to do, would be to have a sit down conversation with your family to go over why they think you shouldn't be getting married now. if you both come to an understanding, then i think they will respect you much more, and realize that you are 100% serious about your partner and your life together.

many of these ladies have given you very sound advice, but internet strangers cannot make decisions for you and your life. try not to be discouraged, and work towards a mature decision.

Family doesn't approve, what do I do?

Re: Family doesn't approve, what do I do?

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