Breaking tradition and not having the older brother be the best man.

heartlyric · July 2010

I APOLOGIZE FOR THE LENGTH, I TRIED TO SUMMARIZE IT.

I am not engaged at the moment, but me and my boyfriend are talking more seriously (about rings, weddings, dates, honeymoons, etc.) And there is one main thing we can't agree on, having his older brother as his best man, which is a small tradition in his family. Usually I would say have whoever you want as your best man, but his older brother is a sore spot.

His brother introduced himself to me when he broke into my boyfriends room and ripped off the sheets, while we were naked, at Christmas. On top of that event, we have always butted heads, he and his girlfriend comes from a social group where you agree with someone or you beat your opinion into whoever disagrees with you. His older brother is used to getting his way (ex: kicking my boyfriend out of his own bed, because the older brother has to drive farther tomorrow.) and I won't allow him to used either of us in such a way.

Adding in, also, the older brother and his girlfriend are often causing drama filling moments, (trying to break us up, forcing my boyfriend to choose between the older brother or the parents, crashing my birthday party and then starting fights with my friends.) I have limited my scope of them by blocking them from any socializing with me, including my facebook, home, work, or going to see them (they live three hours from us.)

With all this said, I am sure you can understand why I also want to limit him in his involvement of our wedding. But my boyfriend will not budge, the best man has to be his older brother, even though he has a younger brother, and four friends that has known him since preschool.

Before the drama really hit, if I marry my boyfriend, I wanted to get an opinion from people that might have some experience, hence you guys!

Am I being too rigid? Is it too controlling to ask that we not have toxic people in our wedding party? Is there a way we can compromise and not have him so close to me and boyfriend on our special day?

srkropf · July 2010

Yeah, it's kind of your FFI call-- if he wants him, it's his choice-- though I wonder if he sees all of this drama between the four of you and would consider that. If you've voiced your opinions, then there's nothing more you can do-- and stay together, because this may be a part of his older brothers diabolic plan to split you up!

redheadfsu · July 2010

I skimmed.
After you get engaged, your FI gets to pick whoever he wants to be his best man. Normally it is his closest friend/family, but he gets to pick. You have to play nice with his family. Yes, his brother sounds like a jerk, but you have to deal with him for the rest of your life. But you aren't engaged, why are you arguing about this now ?

Celles · July 2010

While I can see why you would object to your boyfriend's choice, it is -- ultimately -- his choice. Sorry.

mysticl · July 2010

You only mention you having a problem with the brother, does you BF have issues with his brother's behavior? Is your BF as set on limiting contact with his brother as you are? Because if he's not this not just a fight over who the best man in your wedding will be but an ongoing battle for the rest of your marriage. Or not, because if you are so against his brother your bf could ultimately pick his brother over you.

AdeleDazeem · July 2010

I get why you don't want you fiance's brother in your wedding, but...um... he's going to be your brother in law for life. Now is probably the time you start making peace instead of getting in between your boyfriend and his brother.

For what it's worth, I'm not a huge fan of my fiance's brother. He's a little abrupt, rude, and yelled at me once. Am I his biggest fan? No. But I obviously realize he's going to be my brother in law and I should attempt to bridge the gap. And, remarkably, it's worked. He will always be who he is, but we understand each other better now. I'm coming to like him.

heartlyric · July 2010

Thank you all for your advice. It is sad to think that his older brother being the best man might be apart of the break us up plan, but it probably is. I guess, I have to find a way to get over it. Maybe if the groomsmen wear bunny heads, jk.

And to Redheadfsu's question: When he brought it up it bothered me, so we discussed it. I didn't want this to be the subject shadowing over our engagement when he does give me the ring.

And I do play nice with all of his family, other than him and his girlfriend, they all like me. The older brother is the one that usually starts the drama llama with everyone. And I have had to block him off so severely because he would call my boyfriend all the time to discuss me and my friends bad behavior. Nothing worse that some bad mouthing you because you say on your facebook, you want to see Alice in Wonderland.

To be honest, eloping sounds better and better these days.

carrieoz_76 · July 2010

You don't have to like family, but you should try to be as nice to them as you can stomach. This goes doubly for your s.o.'s family (esp. when you marry him).

Once you've had your say on why you think a toxic person shouldn't be in the WP, you need to let that be it and leave your FFI to make his decision. Whether the brother is in the WP or not, if he's in your FFI's life, he's in yours, so be as nice to him as you can stomach.

Welcome to committed couplehood.

heartlyric · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_breaking-tradition-not-having-older-brother-man?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bb338b80-fbff-4c5b-a3d5-1242b06867a2Post:7a639877-487e-4673-bd01-f997c5463cfd">Re: Breaking tradition and not having the older brother be the best man.</a>:
[QUOTE]I get why you don't want you fiance's brother in your wedding, but...um... he's going to be your brother in law for life. Now is probably the time you start making peace instead of getting in between your boyfriend and his brother. For what it's worth, I'm not a huge fan of my fiance's brother. He's a little abrupt, rude, and yelled at me once. Am I his biggest fan? No. But I obviously realize he's going to be my brother in law and I should attempt to bridge the gap. And, remarkably, it's worked. He will always be who he is, but we understand each other better now. I'm coming to like him.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>How did you do that with your brother-in-law? We have tried, all four of us, multiple times, but it always ends up with one person or another complete upset, and we all dislike each other more than before. I understand he is what he is, but the only thing that has seemed to work these three years is keeping him at arm's length.
</div>

heartlyric · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_breaking-tradition-not-having-older-brother-man?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bb338b80-fbff-4c5b-a3d5-1242b06867a2Post:f479a9b0-9106-408c-aa6c-e955050972ab">Re: Breaking tradition and not having the older brother be the best man.</a>:
[QUOTE]You don't have to like family, but you should try to be as nice to them as you can stomach. This goes doubly for your s.o.'s family (esp. when you marry him). Once you've had your say on why you think a toxic person shouldn't be in the WP, you need to let that be it and leave your FFI to make his decision. Whether the brother is in the WP or not, if he's in your FFI's life, he's in yours, so be as nice to him as you can stomach. Welcome to committed couplehood. :)
Posted by carrieoz_76[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>What if the only why I can stomach it is to cut him out? What do you do to deal with the unsavory members of your In-law's family?

</div>

strlzfan11 · July 2010

I actually don't get along at all with my younger sister for too many reasons to get into on here. At some point I decided that I would rather not speak to her than argue with her all the time, so I don't engage her in conversation. I don't go out of my way to to appease her pettiness but I am not overly rude to her either. We basically ignore each other for the most part. Is it possible for you to do something similiar with your future BIL for the time being until he accepts you for who you are and your place in his brother's life? If he speaks ill towards you, ignore him. If you don't feed the animals they won't come looking for more...KWIM?

ThePinkSuperhero · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_breaking-tradition-not-having-older-brother-man?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bb338b80-fbff-4c5b-a3d5-1242b06867a2Post:31acd89f-1226-492c-bd55-f2286ff259dd">Re: Breaking tradition and not having the older brother be the best man.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Breaking tradition and not having the older brother be the best man. : What if the only way I can stomach it is to cut him out? What do you do to deal with the unsavory members of your In-law's family?
Posted by heartlyric[/QUOTE]

You marry somebody else? Seriously, this is an issue between you and your fiance, not you and the brother. You two need to come to terms with how much his family will be involved in your life before you get married.

AdeleDazeem · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_breaking-tradition-not-having-older-brother-man?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bb338b80-fbff-4c5b-a3d5-1242b06867a2Post:32e99aba-8e4b-4ca2-8785-4c7880d46d1d">Re: Breaking tradition and not having the older brother be the best man.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Breaking tradition and not having the older brother be the best man. : How did you do that with your brother-in-law? We have tried, all four of us, multiple times, but it always ends up with one person or another complete upset, and we all dislike each other more than before. I understand he is what he is, but the only thing that has seemed to work these three years is keeping him at arm's length.
Posted by heartlyric[/QUOTE]

He's not a bad person at all. He's just gruff, a little rude, and has a personality that I wouldn't normally be friends with. He can be such a curmudgeon.

I finally said - this is who he is. I don't have to love him, but I should at least try to like him. I focus on his better points and ignore his (at times) bitter attitude. There's nothing else to do.

Once, when I was drunk, I told my fiance how much I disliked this brother. I felt HORRIBLE the next day. He loves and accepts my family - I should try to do the same.

twilight.rose · July 2010

This really seems like something your fiance, not you, should be deciding after you are engaged. What's the point in choosing a WP before the date is even set?

heartlyric · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_breaking-tradition-not-having-older-brother-man?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bb338b80-fbff-4c5b-a3d5-1242b06867a2Post:d7b16a88-0dca-4c4f-9c58-7361920ceac0">Re: Breaking tradition and not having the older brother be the best man.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Breaking tradition and not having the older brother be the best man. : He's not a bad person at all. He's just gruff, a little rude, and has a personality that I wouldn't normally be friends with. He can be such a curmudgeon. I finally said - this is who he is. I don't have to love him, but I should at least try to like him. I focus on his better points and ignore his (at times) bitter attitude. There's nothing else to do. Once, when I was drunk, I told my fiance how much I disliked this brother. I felt HORRIBLE the next day. He loves and accepts my family - I should try to do the same.
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Gosh and this made all the drama go away? Doesn't your brother-in-law still yell at you or call you names, or acts rudely to you? Does your brother's family all act nicely about him too? And accept when you see the better in him?</div><div>
</div><div>Because that is my problem, I try to accept them and get pretty damn close to it, but after a month or two of constant insulting badgering and him trying to control me and my boyfriend life, it gets under my skin and I feel like I have to cut him off just to have some sanity in my household again. It gets even harder when I talk to his family, and they can't seem to get off the subject of why he is so rude/mean/cutting off the rest of the family. I try to stay positive about him, but I run out of things to say good about him.</div><div>
</div>

heartlyric · July 2010

[QUOTE] If he speaks ill towards you, ignore him. If you don't feed the animals they won't come looking for more...KWIM?
Posted by strlzfan11[/QUOTE]

<div>LOL I like that! That might actually work!</div>

redheadfsu · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_breaking-tradition-not-having-older-brother-man?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bb338b80-fbff-4c5b-a3d5-1242b06867a2Post:6b67c07d-2090-46a0-8850-22f0edb2c524">Re: Breaking tradition and not having the older brother be the best man.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Breaking tradition and not having the older brother be the best man. : Gosh and this made all the drama go away? Doesn't your brother-in-law still yell at you or call you names, or acts rudely to you? Does your brother's family all act nicely about him too? And accept when you see the better in him? Because that is my problem, I try to accept them and get pretty damn close to it, but after a month or two of constant insulting badgering and him trying to control me and my boyfriend life, it gets under my skin and I feel like I have to cut him off just to have some sanity in my household again. It gets even harder when I talk to his family, and they can't seem to get off the subject of why he is so rude/mean/cutting off the rest of the family. I try to stay positive about him, but I run out of things to say good about him.
Posted by heartlyric[/QUOTE]

Your BF needs to handle his brother, not you. This sounds more & more like a BF problem than his rude brother problem.

carrieoz_76 · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_breaking-tradition-not-having-older-brother-man?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:bb338b80-fbff-4c5b-a3d5-1242b06867a2Post:31acd89f-1226-492c-bd55-f2286ff259dd">Re: Breaking tradition and not having the older brother be the best man.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Breaking tradition and not having the older brother be the best man. : What if the only why I can stomach it is to cut him out? What do you do to deal with the unsavory members of your In-law's family?
Posted by heartlyric[/QUOTE]
You can't make that decision on your own when you're in a committed relationship with someone - you need to be on the same page as your bf. Either your bf agrees that the brother's behavior is unacceptable, in which case you both limit contact, or he doesn't agree, in which case you limit it to the extent you can but be courteous during the times you're around the brother.

If the behavior is so awful that you need to cut the guy off and your bf doesn't agree, then I agree with PPs - you have a bf problem, not a bf's brother problem.

Simply Fated · July 2010

Be careful.... if you give your bf an ultimatum, he might not choose you. Are you prepared for that?

You see that he's toxic to your relationship, but obviously your boyfriend either doesn't see it or sees it and doesn't care.
You both need to get on the same page.

A lot of families have the tradition of the oldest sibling being the BM or MOH. I think it's a deal breaker when the person doesn't support your relationship though. That's a compromise I suggest you two make.

heartlyric · July 2010

Thank you everyone for the advice, looks like me and my boyfriend are going to have to talk long and hard about this. I am glad I asked now vs. later.

AdeleDazeem · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_breaking-tradition-not-having-older-brother-man?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:bb338b80-fbff-4c5b-a3d5-1242b06867a2Post:6b67c07d-2090-46a0-8850-22f0edb2c524">Re: Breaking tradition and not having the older brother be the best man.</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Breaking tradition and not having the older brother be the best man. : Gosh and this made all the drama go away? Doesn't your brother-in-law still yell at you or call you names, or acts rudely to you? Does your brother's family all act nicely about him too? And accept when you see the better in him? Because that is my problem, I try to accept them and get pretty damn close to it, but after a month or two of constant insulting badgering and him trying to control me and my boyfriend life, it gets under my skin and I feel like I have to cut him off just to have some sanity in my household again. It gets even harder when I talk to his family, and they can't seem to get off the subject of why he is so rude/mean/cutting off the rest of the family. I try to stay positive about him, but I run out of things to say good about him.
Posted by heartlyric[/QUOTE]

Your situation sounds more extreme than mine. He never called me names - just has strong opinions and a miserly attitude. Now I feel like I should like him more.

But, you do need to deal with this between you and your boyfriend. If you push an ultimatum on him or put up a big stink about him being in the wedding, you may get a rude awakening.

zitiqueen · July 2010

I can't believe your BF allows his brother to treat you this way. Wait, let me rephrase that -- I can't believe you would actually consider marrying a guy who allows his brother to treat you this way.

squirrly · July 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_breaking-tradition-not-having-older-brother-man?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:bb338b80-fbff-4c5b-a3d5-1242b06867a2Post:3683ba4b-da3f-4013-a860-44de5d3c302d">Re: Breaking tradition and not having the older brother be the best man.</a>:
[QUOTE]I can't believe your BF allows his brother to treat you this way. Wait, let me rephrase that -- I can't believe you would actually consider marrying a guy who allows his brother to treat you this way.
Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]

Yes, this. Why on earth does your bf tolerate this behavior from his brother? That's completely unacceptable. He should be having a chat with his brother and clarifying what is acceptable and appropriate, vs. what is not.

How old is your bf? How old is his brother?

I don't see eye to eye with my BIL. But, my H doesn't either, and he supports ME in any issues with his brother. If it went the other way around, we'd have a HUGE issue.

Calypso1977 · July 2010

its his call.
our best man didnt support our marriage at all. however, hubby wanted his only brother to stand up for him so that's what we did. just pick a really meaningful MOH and roll with it.

Breaking tradition and not having the older brother be the best man.

Re: Breaking tradition and not having the older brother be the best man.

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