Tricky mother/son relationship

microkelly · August 2010

FI's mom did a lot of drugs and was an alcoholic when he was a child so he was raised by his dad. He saw his mom maybe once a month. His dad married his step mom when he was 9 and he says that she is the one who raised him and is actually his mom. Well, now that he's grown and his mom is clean they have grown much closer. She really is really great to us now, as is his step mom. The problem is that we don't know what to do for the mother/son dance because he wants to honor both women. His mom is kind of still in denial about the pain she caused him growing up and I know she'll get her feelings hurt if we split the dance and I don't want to make our guests sit through 2 dances. Any ideas?

michaelandjulie2 · August 2010

You don't have to have a mother/son dance. He could just pick out a song for each of them and be sure to dance with each mom as "their" song comes on.

He could split the song, and half-way through he could ask the other mother to dance.

strlzfan11 · August 2010

If splitting the dance isn't an option, could you just cut the dance altogether but have your FI dance with both women at some point during the night?

In all honesty, the day is about you & your FI joining your lives together in front of those who matter most to you. His mother should be happy that he had someone to step in and take care of him when she couldn't. If she can't step back for five minutes and realize that this isn't about her then that's on her; not on your FI or his step-mom. I would suggest speaking to his mother about your plan now while the planning is still ongoing so that she has time to get used to the idea. If she can't get on board with it, she doesn't have to participate.

Sorry if that sounds mean, but it drives me crazy when other people (parents, siblings, etc.) make someone else's wedding all about them. I think this is one of those cases when it's ok to say "it's our day, we're doing this whether you like it or not."

twilight.rose · August 2010

Ditto PPs on skipping the formal mother/son dance, and just making sure your FI dances with both ladies at some point during the evening. We didn't do any parent dances, and nobody noticed or cared.

PharmacyBride · August 2010

I recommend splitting the one song or doing two shorter songs. You can give the DJ a phrase to say like "Tonight, FI wants to honor both his moms with a dance." I think the more you focus on the positive of each relationship the more each will be strengthened. Stepmom will be happy to be included in the dance.. even though she isn't blood related and mom will be happy to be included even though she wasn't there for most of his life.

Celles · August 2010

I disagree with PPs who have said to skip the dance. You don't have to have parent dances, of course, but it seems unfair to punish your FI and his step-mom because his birth mom feels she shouldn't have to share someone she didn't even raise.

So, ditto strlzfan: make the decision you want (or, rather, your FI wants), and explain it to the moms now. If birth mom can't share the spotlight with step-mom for two minutes in a shared mother/son dance, sorry, but that's on her.

Catwoman708 · August 2010

Skip the mother son dance. He can dance with both of his moms separately during the evening, it doesn't have to be a spotlight dance.

If she complains, FI should be honest that he didn't want to have to choose between his two moms, and see if she comes up with a solution.

beckster5551 · August 2010

I agree with PP and to just skipping the mother/son dance. My FI doesn't get along with his Mom and I don't get along with my Dad so we are skipping those dances. As long as we dances with both of them at the reception, I'm sure it would be fine.

Tricky mother/son relationship

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