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Wedding Etiquette Forum
golden1215
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Parents threw a wrench in... long...
FI and I are having a nice, but very small (30ppl) wedding this Sept. Since we have been living together for years and have a daughter we didn't plan on our parents helping us out with the wedding at all; money is pretty tight for everyone.
So, we planned away and now his parents want the 4 sets of parents (both of our parents are divorced and his are both remarried) to split the cost of the food/drinks. It's going to come out to about $2,400 total- so they suggested each parental unit give $600. This was a total- and awesome- surprise to FI and I since it's only $600 for each of them but a big savings for us!
Only problem is my dad is not on board. This is totally okay with me (FI is a bit ticked, but whatev) because my dad has always been pretty... shall we say, stingy... so I dont expect him to change now . But, now how do I 1) word the wedding invites to include two sets of parents for him and my mom and 2) do I give a speech or anything at the dinner thanking our parents and just leave my dad out...?
I feel bad. I love him but he's already not walking me down the isle (for lots of reasons). But I feel like putting "along with their parents" or toasting to him isnt really fair to the parents that do contribute. He has a history of riding on my moms generous coat tails.
It feels like leaving him out of acknowledgements highlights his un-help and since his family (parents, sisters etc) make up the majority of our guests- yes, he even added to it without asking me so I had to adjust- it could be awkward...
Advice.
p.s. woohoo for our parents that are helping- I'm SO happy/surprised/thankful about that!
So, we planned away and now his parents want the 4 sets of parents (both of our parents are divorced and his are both remarried) to split the cost of the food/drinks. It's going to come out to about $2,400 total- so they suggested each parental unit give $600. This was a total- and awesome- surprise to FI and I since it's only $600 for each of them but a big savings for us!
Only problem is my dad is not on board. This is totally okay with me (FI is a bit ticked, but whatev) because my dad has always been pretty... shall we say, stingy... so I dont expect him to change now . But, now how do I 1) word the wedding invites to include two sets of parents for him and my mom and 2) do I give a speech or anything at the dinner thanking our parents and just leave my dad out...?
I feel bad. I love him but he's already not walking me down the isle (for lots of reasons). But I feel like putting "along with their parents" or toasting to him isnt really fair to the parents that do contribute. He has a history of riding on my moms generous coat tails.
It feels like leaving him out of acknowledgements highlights his un-help and since his family (parents, sisters etc) make up the majority of our guests- yes, he even added to it without asking me so I had to adjust- it could be awkward...
Advice.
p.s. woohoo for our parents that are helping- I'm SO happy/surprised/thankful about that!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Parents threw a wrench in... long...
Along with
My mom's name
and
FI's mom & dad's names
FutureMrsTR & TR invite you to blah blah blah
I think I'll just stick with thanking "our parents" in our speech and not get specific, but the contributers will be getting gifts and notes separately.
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Your fi has no right to be "ticked" that someone won't pony up cash for your wedding. That makes me kind of mad at him.
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Without knowing your whole situation, I think it's fine to leave his name off the invite. I say this because you noted that your dad is not walking you down the aisle. Leaving his name off the invite isn't going to raise any flags with anyone.
That's awesome about the extra financial help
Not on a monetary level, but I can sympathize with you because FI's father is not in the picture at all. He's still married to FMIL, but he's completely estranged from the family and has been very emotionally abusive to FI since he was in his teens. FI felt very strongly about NOT having him listed on the invitation. Since neither family is hosting or paying for the wedding (we're doing it ourselves), and my parents and his mother understood, we are just leaving all reference to our parents off of the invitation. It makes it a lot easier, and not nearly as awkward. You can't exactly exclude someone without feelings being hurt, unless you decide to omit all references.
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[QUOTE]This is probably an unpopular opinion, but seriously? Over $600? Maybe it's me, but I think that any speech thanking your parents should include your dad for, you know, being your dad. If you also want to thank the parents who paid money for your reception, you can do so, but I honestly don't think putting "along with their parents" on the invitations would be any kind of slap in the face to those parents who are contributing. Your fi has no right to be "ticked" that someone won't pony up cash for your wedding. That makes me kind of mad at him.
Posted by ohwhynot[/QUOTE]
I agree with this completely. No one HAS to do anything for your wedding, and since it was not a group made decision, he can do whatever he want.
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The names on the wedding invitation do not signify who pitched in money. It's just supposed to show who is hosting the event, and can also just be a way to honor your parents. If you list parents's names, you should include your Dad.
Usually the bride and groom don't give a thank you toast at wedding, although some do. If you decide to do it, don't leave your Dad out. Just do a general thank you to all of your parents for their love and support. There's no reason to call attention to the fact that your Dad doesn't want to pitch in for your wedding.
Bride
and
Groom
together with
Ms. Bride Mom
Mrs. Groom Mom
Mr. Groom Dad
request the pleasure of your company
at their wedding
ETA: Above wording is how you write out what you asked for. It's certainly not the only way to handle this situation.
Dresses may be easier to take in than let out, but guest lists are not. -- kate51485
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Parents threw a wrench in... long... : No one HAS to do anything for your wedding, and since it was not a group made decision, he can do whatever he want.
Posted by AmoroAgain[/QUOTE]
I also completely agree with this. Your Dad didn't offer to pitch in money, your FI's parents made the offer for him. It wasn't a group decision. So your FI really has no reason to be ticked at your Dad. You said yourself, you guys are grown adults with a household and child already, I don't blame your Dad for not feeling the need to pitch in for your party.
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Since we were going to do pretty inexpensive invites maybe I'll just put something like, "We're getting married! Come celebrate with us and our families at blah blah blah" since both of us will have siblings there as well, it makes it all encompassing...
And no, FI shouldnt be ticked, but man to man I think he feels like my dad should have been there for me in life (getting back to the not walking me down the aisle issue) so to him this was dads last chance to redeem himself and act like a dad "should" before I'm no longer a child (i.e. unmarried). Also, FI is a tight wad himself so he just sees dollar signs and freaks! ha Don't they say you marry a man like your dad..... lol
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Parents threw a wrench in... long... : I agree with this completely. No one HAS to do anything for your wedding, and since it was not a group made decision, he can do whatever he want.
Posted by AmoroAgain[/QUOTE]
Yep, this 100%. Neither your FI nor his parents get to be pissy because your dad isn't ponying up his "share." He was never consulted and never agreed to it.
Personally, I would treat the money your parents gave to you as a wedding gift. Put "Together with their family/parents" on the invite and be done with it.
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[QUOTE]The names on the wedding invitation do not signify who pitched in money. It's just supposed to show who is hosting the event, and can also just be a way to honor your parents.
Posted by danieliza1127[/QUOTE]
This. I didn't really clarify in my answer, but the reason my dad isn't on the invitation isn't because he's not giving me money (which he's not) but because he's not a part of the planning or hosting of this wedding. He hasn't been a big part of my life since I was 3 and he's really only attending as a guest. My mom, on the other hand, was very adament about her name being on the invite since she is contributing and hosting...hence the wording we have.
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[QUOTE]Larissa- Yay to your H for sticking up for you! It sucks that his parents were jerks though.
Posted by jasmineh7777[/QUOTE]
Yeah, I really appreciate how he handled it. I'd only met them 2x before, but to him this apparently wasn't unexpected. They didn't go to his older brother's wedding either over some battle or another.<div>
</div><div>The sucky thing is he's got twin younger brothers who are only 13, so he doesn't get to see them because he won't talk to his mother. Both H & his mother are stubborn asses (I see where he gets it from), and he's losing out for it.<div>
</div><div>I've made it <strong>very </strong>clear to him that if he does want contact, I certainly won't stand in the way, and in fact encourage it.</div></div>
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Anyway, I'd do the "together with their families" line on the invitation and I'd thank all the parents anyway.
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For our wedding everyone is contributing in different ways and different amounts but we still used the wording "together with their parents" even though my mom and dad (who are divorced) are paying for the majority of the wedding (and my mom is taking care of the bridal shower, and my dad is helping the bridal party organize the Jack and Jill). We felt it would be eaiser to just acknowledge/include everyone and then add special thank yous to each contributor in other ways (cards/thank you gifts).