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arthomas82 · March 2010

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stina93446 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fiance-doesnt-seem-interested?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:12586210-b19d-48df-9a2a-a617f83f7f3cPost:1a917d47-5f9e-49f2-9109-bd113e38d0a7">Fiance doesnt seem interested</a>:
[QUOTE]Out of curiousity, how much involvement does your fiance have? Does he seem interested in any of the wedding planning? I'm probably just expecting him to think and behave like a girl, but his lack of interest is so marked that I cant help but feel a little frustrated. For example, I love showing him things my mom and I have come up with (chair covers, favors, etc) but he just makes fun of them and acts like he's being tortured. I am SO glad that he isnt overly involved because I enjoy planning with my mom...but I want him to care! Okay, so am I expecting too much?
Posted by arthomas82[/QUOTE]

<div>You're probably going to need to limit WHAT and WHEN you speak about wedding stuff. Guys are not wired like women. As long as there is good food, a good bar, and good music, our men are pretty happy. You should ask him about things that he's going to want to know about. Favors and chair covers are not that. Ask him to make the "do not play" list for the band and bring him to the tastings. </div>

tidetravel · March 2010

DH had a few specific things he was interested in and some specific requests, (food, music, kilts for the wedding party) but other than that, he didn't "do" a whole lot. Actually, the things that I delegated to him he didn't take care of, so I had to do all of his work too.

The thing is that we both knew what type of wedding we wanted, so he just let me go ahead and plan everything, because I'm the organizer of the two of us. I would come up with ideas and run them by him, but for the most part, I planned the wedding on my own.

Favors, chair covers, etc... yeah. He couldn't care less.

mbcdefg · March 2010

I'm a girl, and I don't even give a rat's hiney about favors and chair covers. So I'm guessing your FI probably doesn't care about details like this either.

I'd ask him if he has any ideas of what he really wants or what is off-limits, and if there's anything he's always wanted for his wedding. Mine said out of the blue one day, "I'd like it if we could rent some kind of cool car instead of a plain limo," so I did some research and found something that he liked.

I also found that it helped to present my FI with a few real ideas, instead of just saying, "What do you want?" or describing what I wanted without any photos or lists to back it up. Once I showed him a few photos of flowers that I liked, it was easy for him to pick out his favorite, or he'd narrow it down by color/size/etc. and ask me to look for other options.

Also, when you show him the favors, chair covers, etc., how are you presenting it to him? Are you saying, "Do you like this?" or "Mom and I picked this, what do you think?" If so, he's probably aggrivated that he's not getting a choice, or he may not want to give an opinion because if you have it already picked out, then you may get mad if he says he doesn't like it. And he may not care about decor items ... my FI seemed most interested in the transportation, the food, the music, the hall and the hotel.

Instead, try showing him maybe 2-4 pictures of something you're considering, and say, "Which one is your favorite?" Showing him one picture at a time and saying, "What do you think?" is too open-ended. When I showed FI a few pictures and asked him to pick his favorite, he was able to knock out the ones he hated and then come up with a winner. Or he'd do something like, "I sort of like this one, but I would like a different color/size/etc." and I would go and find similar alternatives.

Another method that worked was when we picked out the cocktail hour food. The venue sent us a list (pick 5 chafing dishes from 10 choices, pick 4 entrees from 15 choices, etc.) and I made two copies and we each got one. We picked our choices separately and then compared ... anything we both chose was automatically on the list, and we compromised on the rest.

gottahavashorti · March 2010

My FI is fairly involved but I am still doing most of the planning. The centerpieces were chosen by FI and my dad, he had fun with the bar menu (aka taste testing cocktails and shoping at the state store), had some preferences on colors, venue location (outdoor ceremony, saw woods at one venue and had to have it). He contacted some photographers and caterers because I was getting frustrated with hearing 'we can't work with your budget' time and time again.

He woudn't have been ok doing the initial searches for vendors to contact or express interest about things like chair covers and favors, though. I'll briefly show him things like favors but it's people like my mom and sister who actually care to see some of those things.

One thing that helps us in general is that whoever has stronger preferences about something chooses a few options they'd be happy with, and the other decides what they like out of those options. That way he can be involved but doesn't have to get into the nitty gritty of things he doesn't care about a whole lot or end up with things he dislikes.

lalap69 · March 2010

FI has told me what things he cares about and I've asked him to take care of those things, like the DJ and invitations. Beyond that he likes when I show him pictures of things I like, but he's not boucing up and down every day with the idea of planning. (Come to think of it, neither am I.)

I don't think it's fair for him to make you do everything, but since that doesn't seem to be your concern, I don't see the issue. He's not interested and you don't want him involved. Seems like a win-win to me.

LarissaAnn · March 2010

H & I did almost everything ourselves (and together), and I was happy to have it be us. I know a lot of guys (and girls, for that matte) are not into wedding planning, but I have to say, I'd have been really annoyed at H if he actually made fun of the plans. That's just obnoxious. I'm just glad that both he and I, weddings aside, are party-planner types.

SarahPLiz · March 2010

I think it depends on your FI. My FI cares about the food and drink. He doesn't even really care who the officiant is. He just wants to be married and have dinner. Since his savings account is paying for most of it, I don't have a problem planning it.

I agree with PPs to not overload him with things he really doesn't care about. I'm pretty sure his indifference comes from not being interested in party planning in general, not just your wedding.

arthomas82 · March 2010

Those are all good points and great ideas...thanks!

CTGirl30 · March 2010

Rest assured that he does care - about the marrying you part of it. Not about favors or chair covers (that's the wedding part of it - the 2 aspects are separate) and that's FINE. It doesn't mean he'll be any less of a devoted husband for it. ;-)

Every guy is different - some are more involved in the wedding planning than others. And I happen to agree with mbcdefg in this case - I do not give a hoot about chair covers, either, so I don't find it odd in the least that a man wouldn't, lol.

I found that my FI was most interested in the food aspect of our wedding planning and he was also very excited to find our first dance song. He had definate opinions on the cake and the menu selection.

Everything else, not so much. He came with me to our final florist appointment but honestly, I felt bad for him since he clearly didn't know anything about what we were talking about and only went to humor me so I wouldn't have to go alone, lol. He knows I'm more of the planner / organized type so for most of it, he's just let me plan away and has given me input when asked. But honestly, I was never a big weddingy type of person to begin with and was most definately NOT one of those girls who had dreamed about her Big Special Day since I was 5 so it wasn't a huge deal for me. And so I didn't fault him for not being overly excited when I told him about wedding colors or hair accessories or anything along those lines since I wasn't falling all over myself about them, either.

aerinpegadrak · March 2010

We've been pretty much equal. I've been keeping the whole show running, but he's had a lot of input.

I've also found it useful to narrow things down and ask him to make a final decision. So, for instance, I picked three potential photo liners for the envelope, and asked him to narrow it down. (He narrowed it to two, then I came here for advice on which to choose.)

I think a lot of it depends on how you communicate. Is he the kind who will actually speak up if he has an opinion? Or will he just go with what he thinks you want?

If he voices an opinion, are you listening? If the conversations are going:
You: Should we do green or blue?
Him: I like green.
You: But I think blue would work better...
Then he's eventually going to stop offering an opinion because it won't matter anyway.

I think you need to sit down and talk with him. Let him know that you're feeling a little hurt that he doesn't seem to care about the wedding at all, and see what he says. He may be picking up on the vibe that you'd rather plan it with your mom than with him, and is trying to stay out of it.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · March 2010

My fiance is interested in certain things. He wants to go to vendor meetings (even with the DOC), and after I did some research, I put him in charge of contacting the baker, some officiants, musicians and DJs. I also okay things like invitations with him and we did a walk through of our venue together before we decided to book it (again, after *I* did the research). I've booked little things like shuttles and hotel blocks without his input. I also didn't check with him over things like centerpieces, flowers or BM dresses. As a result, he only kind-sorta knows the work that goes into a wedding, but he feels involved and like his opinions count.

Like PPs said, take a cue from his behavior and tone down the details you share. If you mention something, like booking a photographer, and he seems interested in participating, let him. If not, drop it and do it yourself.

wcvsb3b5 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fiance-doesnt-seem-interested?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:12586210-b19d-48df-9a2a-a617f83f7f3cPost:abc2816e-40e7-4d84-b1e8-09b5c63ce97a">Re: Fiance doesnt seem interested</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Fiance doesnt seem interested : You're probably going to need to limit WHAT and WHEN you speak about wedding stuff. Guys are not wired like women. <strong>As long as there is good food, a good bar, and good music, our men are pretty happy.</strong> You should ask him about things that he's going to want to know about. Favors and chair covers are not that. Ask him to make the "do not play" list for the band and bring him to the tastings.
Posted by stina93446[/QUOTE]

This and their friends. Honestly, my FI couldn't care less about flowers, linens, centerpieces, etc.. As long as there is good food, LOTS of beer, and his buddies he is good to go.

banana468 · March 2010

There were some things that DH just didn't care about at all. And I know other friends who have DH's who describe walking through Michael's as torture.

As long as he's into marrying YOU and isn't one to criticize, don't worry about it.

MsLaura31 · March 2010

You said you enjoy planning with your mom, maybe you should just concentrate on that.

Just be careful what you wish for... What if he "cared" and his opinions were very different from yours? That would get very frustrating very quickly.

It sounds like you want him to validate your choices and appreciate your efforts, which is totally fine to want. If my FI laughed at and made jokes about my ideas, I would be a little hurt, too. Maybe you could have a heart to heart (at a time when you aren't already discussing wedding things) and tell him that you are spending a lot of time and energy on a special day for the two of you. You're definitely having fun doing it, but it'd be nice to hear him compliment your work. This would also be a great time to ask him the things that PPs have mentioned, mainly what are the priorities for him.

felicia220 · March 2010

When we first got engaged we went over everything that was important to US, HIM and ME. They stuff that was only important to me, I took care of. The stuff that was important to him, he took care of and the stuff that was important to both of us, we did together. Most men don't want to spend hours looking at favors and flowers, then again it depends on what they are. I think you need to figure out what you both care about and divide and conquer.

baystateapple · March 2010

Mine is only interested in telling me that I need to stop changing my mind about everything, lol.

rlynn007 · March 2010

My FI is in charge of the reception music and he got to pick out the outfits him and his WP wore (I went with him just in case he wanted to try and pick baby blue tuxes, but he picked perfect by himself...yay)
Just give him jobs that relate to things he likes doing on any other normal day...if you're having a slide show of pictures, have him put it together...let him go try foods, ask if he likes blue or beige not robins egg or sky blye or cream or candle light...go basic and only give him one thing at a time to work on!

pooh8402 · March 2010

my FI cared about the food, the getaway car, his cake, his tux, and the wedding website. that's it. and that was only because I convinced him to have a big wedding. he would rather have eloped to Vegas (preferably in the car that he wants for the getaway car).

most guys don't care. most of the guys I know that are already married found the easiest course of action for them was to answer a question when directly asked, but to keep their mouths shut and stay out of the way otherwise. they pass on this advice to younger guys about to be married.

snoangel79 · March 2010

My FI is only interested in the food and honeymoon part, for everything else he says he trusts my judgement. I'm fine with that, sometimes I'm alittle sad that he doesn't participate as much but I think it could be worse, he could over participate and not like anything I come up with which would be frustrating.

I think a lot of guys are like this (good food, drink, and music are usually important but little details not so much), I completely decorated our house too but he has his man room and computer room.

I saw this tv show once, I think it was Rich Bride, Poor Bride, the FI was overly involved even wanting to pick out his bride's dress. I'd have to say I prefer my FI to be on the opposite end of the spectrum of this!

banana468 · March 2010

DH was involved but only on certain things:

-Venue
-Food
-Colors somewhat
-Transportation

But it was big picture stuff.

The other thing was that he wasn't a complainer. If I did stuff and then he whined, we would have had BIG issues.

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