Am I Being Selfish or Do I Have a Right to be Mad?

karkissy09 · September 2010

So I got engaged in July. Me and my fiance are young, but we've been together for a looong time. My sister is 4 years older than me and didn't date much throughout college. She finally started dating a guy who is a total jerk.
He's rude to our whole family and they moved in together after dating for 4 months because her roommates couldn't stand him. He tried to propose then and my parents raised a big deal over it and made it clear that they didn't agree with the engagement so my sister turned him down.

My fiance actually waited to propose to me thanks to all this drama. When he finally got his chance to without all of their drama, my sister's boyfriend was a jerk about it and didn't even congratulate us.

Now, last weekend they got engaged and are planning their wedding for next September (ours is next May). I'm fuming.

They've been dating for about 10 months and they've made clear that part of the reason they're getting engaged is so he can make more money (he's in the army).

Not only that but she's my maid of honor and has made it pretty clear she doesn't want a part of anything, and I'm sure she definitely won't want to now that she's engaged.

Any advice?

linguo42 · September 2010

Unfortunately, nobody has an obligation to "focus on your big day" except you. Yeah, it sucks that she's marrying a jerk and for the wrong reasons, but you need to keep your feelings about that separate from your wedding or it's going to ruin the whole experience for you.

Please don't be one of those brides who goes to their friends and family, "ME ME ME LOOK AT ME WHY AREN'T YOU LOOKING?!?!" The cruel reality is that nobody cares about your wedding as much as you, and the sooner you acknowledge that and get past it, the better.

My friend and her sister just got married this summer within one week of each other, and not for one minute did my friend complain that everyone was focusing on her sister (who got married first) instead of her. On the contrary, all I heard out of her was how fantastic her sister's wedding was and how she could only hope hers would go as smoothly.

6fsn · September 2010

It's okay to be upset about the jerk your sister is marrying. It's okay to not like their reasons for it. None of this has any bearing on your wedding or marriage though.

Your weddings are 4 months apart. Nobody is stealing the spotlight. Nobody else cares about your wedding planning, but you. Time to grow up and realize that people's lives still go on.

LadyMadrid08 · September 2010

That sounds terrible....for her. She knows how you feel and I don't think there's a lot you can do about it. If you're genuinely concerned for her and not just upset that you are getting married within a few months of each other then I would recommend a conversation explaining why you are concerned.

If you've already done that there's nothing more you can do. If you have the conversation and her response is "PFFFFT, I don't care, I'm gonna marry him anyway." then you just drop it. Actually, no matter what her response is you drop it. Once you've said you're piece you can't do anything else.

GL!

karkissy09 · September 2010

well to be honest, i think all of you are wrong.

if you were in the situation I'm quite sure you'd be pretty pissed as well.

and about my family and friends not caring about planning my wedding, my family is very close, and when one of us gets married, EVERYONE is involved, so when that attention is split, i definitely don't think it's fair. especially when my other sisters didn't have to.

and every girl is going to be asking for the spotlight for their day, don't criticize me for being the same.

Butter Cookie · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_am-being-selfish-right-mad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:fed5d8ac-8a02-4fb6-bef5-b706d3a3e37cPost:951b8312-3184-420f-8811-95ed58426f9e">Re: Am I Being Selfish or Do I Have a Right to be Mad?</a>:
[QUOTE]well to be honest, i think all of you are wrong. if you were in the situation I'm quite sure you'd be pretty pissed as well. and about my family and friends not caring about planning my wedding, my family is very close, and when one of us gets married, EVERYONE is involved, so when that attention is split, i definitely don't think it's fair. especially when my other sisters didn't have to. and every girl is going to be asking for the spotlight for their day, don't criticize me for being the same.
Posted by karkissy09[/QUOTE]

She's getting married in September, and you in May. What's the problem? Are people in your family unable to focus on more than one thing at a time, for an extended period of time?

InksWell · September 2010

Actually, there are a refreshing number of non-narcissist brides who are able to comprehend that even though they are planning a pretty pretty princess day for themselves, the world will continue to revolve around the sun. Not the bride.

I'm sorry your sister is marrying Mr Wrong, but hers is not the only realtionship I'm concerned about. You haven't mentioned your FI or his feelings about "your" day in the spotlight. I hope you realize that after the party is over, there will be several moments every day where you need to choose to be selfless. Right now you seem pretty incapable of that.

LadyMadrid08 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_am-being-selfish-right-mad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:fed5d8ac-8a02-4fb6-bef5-b706d3a3e37cPost:02a214db-5d78-4180-a5ff-fc72949cb489">Re: Am I Being Selfish or Do I Have a Right to be Mad?</a>:
[QUOTE]Actually, I was wanting honest advice, which I got. But do I honestly believe that other people wouldn't be mad in this situation? No. I don't. Because I have alot of friends who are engaged right now and have told me that they would be crazy pissed right now too. My other sisters have said the same. So no, I don't think I'm the only one wrong here. And as for me being called selfish, you've seen me post 2 things, how do you think that you know anything about me? My fiance is a total sweetheart, and I've never heard him complain about anyone, until my sister got engaged that is. He's just as pissed as me, so do I really feel like being mad is wrong? No. I don't. If it were, I don't feel like my entire family would be behind me right now. Thats all. Say whatever you want, I'm not checking this post anymore so if you want to keep talking like you know me, go right ahead.
Posted by karkissy09[/QUOTE]

<div>Are you for real? Fine, think we're all wrong...but being upset that your sister is getting married within a few months of you just showcases your immaturity. I guess you didn't understand that insinuation from PPs so I'll just come out and say it.</div><div>
</div><div>Also, everyone was correct when they said your wedding is ONE day. Yes, there may be family involvement before that, but you do not get to make everything about you and the wedding for your entire engagement. If I had done that I would have gotten bitch slapped and rightfully so. </div><div>
</div><div> Remember, your wedding is most important to you. For most people it's a blip on their radar. A few people might invest a lot of time and energy into it, but you cannot expect that of anyone. Not even your sister. You know what my sister did? She attended the wedding. Was I upset that she didn't help plan? Not at all. The important thing is that she's my sister and she supported me on one of the most important days of MY life.</div><div>
</div><div>Oh, and as for all your engaged friends I'm guessing they're your age. Talk to someone with more life experience under their belt and ask them if it's rational to make such a big deal out of it. I doubt they would take your side on this one. Sorry.</div><div>
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LadyMadrid08 · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_am-being-selfish-right-mad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:fed5d8ac-8a02-4fb6-bef5-b706d3a3e37cPost:e7c237f9-36fa-4c73-8e39-2ff11dd15d2e">Re: Am I Being Selfish or Do I Have a Right to be Mad?</a>:
[QUOTE] Man, I hope nobody in your family dies within six months of your wedding. That'd really be attention-whorey and a total slap in your face!
Posted by zitiqueen[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Seriously! How dare they! Didn't they realize her 9 month wedding was going on?!

</div>

Butter Cookie · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_am-being-selfish-right-mad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:fed5d8ac-8a02-4fb6-bef5-b706d3a3e37cPost:35d652a0-e5fd-4a0c-b143-a335c793a275">Re: Am I Being Selfish or Do I Have a Right to be Mad?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Am I Being Selfish or Do I Have a Right to be Mad? : Are you for real? Fine, think we're all wrong...but being upset that your sister is getting married within a few months of you just showcases your immaturity. I guess you didn't understand that insinuation from PPs so I'll just come out and say it. Also, everyone was correct when they said your wedding is ONE day. Yes, there may be family involvement before that, but you do not get to make everything about you and the wedding for your entire engagement. If I had done that I would have gotten bitch slapped and rightfully so. Remember, your wedding is most important to you. For most people it's a blip on their radar. A few people might invest a lot of time and energy into it, but you cannot expect that of anyone. Not even your sister. You know what my sister did? She attended the wedding. Was I upset that she didn't help plan? Not at all. The important thing is that she's my sister and she supported me on one of the most important days of MY life. Oh, and as for all your engaged friends I'm guessing they're your age. Talk to someone with more life experience under their belt and ask them if it's rational to make such a big deal out of it. I doubt they would take your side on this one. Sorry.
Posted by LadyMadrid08[/QUOTE]

^^^This, times 10

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