if i may?

calo1983 · April 2011

would it be okay to pick everyones brains? as everyone on here is a second time bride i have a few questions. (I was married for about a year and need all the advise i can get)

1.) What do you know now that you wish you had known in your previous marriage?

2.) if you had it all to do over again what things would you keep the same?

3.) What advise would you give to a young couple who are just starting out?

Avion22 · April 2011

1. I know that it's okay to be wrong about something, or admit that I messed up. My relationship this time is so different now that I am able to say, "I just realized that what I just said probably hurt you, and I am so sorry."

2. I think there is a youthful exuberance about relationships that is easy to lose sight of as you get older.   I'd like to keep this, even though we've both been through bad relationships.

3. The whole "don't go to bed angry" thing is often misinterpreted.   It's fine to take a break from an argument to get some shut-eye, sleep on the issue, and re-approach the problem afresh the next day.   It's fine to say, "Honey, I know we still disagree, but can we pick this up later? I love you."

IslandBeachBride · April 2011

1. Communication! Keep the lines open & talk. It can open new doors and resolve many issues. But at 21 (when I got married) I don't think I knew what it took in keeping a relationship strong. Marriage is not a bed of roses 24/7

2. I wouldn't keep much the same. I would definately change things! I would have been more assertive, not meek just to please. Maybe if I were a stronger person at the time, I would have seen the issues. Stand up for your beliefs and don't cave to please. My lesson well learned!

3. After a long term relationship - you don't always have to say "I love you". It's wonderful to hear but it will get stale and meaningless at times. It's ok not to say it with every phone call or every time you part. And no matter how mad you are dont sleep on the couch - it has a way of making the issue fester.

Lisa50 · April 2011

1.) What do you know now that you wish you had known in your previous marriage?

No one can predict the future. Good intentions don't mean much if there isn't action to back them up. Couples therapy only has a shot at working if both parties do some heavy lifting. You can go to bed angry (thanks, PP!) and, sometimes, that's how it needs to be in order to get through the crap.

2.) if you had it all to do over again what things would you keep the same?

At the end of the day, yes, I'd keep things the same, even though disappointment and heartache ensued. I could not be where/who I am today without having been where/who I was in the past.

3.) What advise would you give to a young couple who are just starting out?

Here's my advice: Take your time getting to know one another. There is no rush. As well, I advise that you don't let other circumstances dictate your wedding date -- deployments, pregnancy, other people's priorities, loss of employment (the list is endless!). These are all important, however, they can make you rush into commitments that might be better saved for the future.

lindaloulubbock · April 2011

1.) What do you know now that you wish you had known in your previous marriage? I know that you can do everything right, but if it's with the wrong person it just doesn't matter. I know that real families are happy behind closed doors.
2.) if you had it all to do over again what things would you keep the same?
I'd keep my children.

3.) What advise would you give to a young couple who are just starting out? Work out your small differences now. They have a way of growing with time. Soul mates and pure true love exist. Wait for them, they're worth it. Know yourself well enough to what you want "when you grow up"--don't just hitch a ride on someone else's dream.

morrisonFTW · April 2011

1. I now know that I am strong enough and smart enough to A] be out there on my own, B] make the right deicsions for my life, and C] not get wrapped up in the little things that can bog you down.

2. If I had to do my first marriage all over again? I'd keep nothing the same. Not a single iota. It was sucksville, y'all.

3. Communicate and don't sweat the small stuff. If you're not right for each other, you'll know.. so don't be afraid to accept that and act accordingly.

paprika28 · April 2011

1.) Honesty is the best policy. But never rise above snooping.

And trust your gut! If something doesn't feel right, there's usually a reason for it.

2.) Everything. It made me who I am. Less naive, appreciation for the friends who stick by you no matter what...

3.) Never lose sight of who you are. Don't change yourself to be perfect for someone, and don't try to change your SO. Love him for who he is, not who you want him to be. Communicate. Be honest. Don't stray. Make time for yourself, as well as time for friends. You'll never know when you need them. And for pete's sake. Keep your arguments off of Facebook!

right1thistime · April 2011

1.) What do you know now that you wish you had known in your previous marriage? Values matter. If something that your partner does makes you inwardly cringe - take a good hard look at it/ him. If he thinks it's ok to expose you to it at the dating stage, you will see worse at the married stage.
Red flags are not a fashion accessory.

That little voice that is saying "you can always get a divorce" or "what the heck are you thinking?" deserves to be listened to.
You have to know that you can take care of yourself before you can take care of someone else, and let them take care of you.
The genetics of the person you make babies with is theirs forever. It may sound petty, but there are so many times I have been sad that I let my xH pass his genes on to them, instead of choosing a better gene pool for them.

2.) if you had it all to do over again what things would you keep the same?

Like Lindalou, I would keep my kids--- BUT I wish I had not saddled them with their inherited genes, as I said above. And like Lisa, I am who I am today because of surviving my past.

3.) What advise would you give to a young couple who are just starting out?
If you can't fix a problem as a couple before you are married, getting married will not fix that problem. It may provide an easy solution (like insurance, housing, validation of your relationship, shared finances)-- but the real problem (un/under employment, lack of independence, doubt by others, lack of financial stability) will still exist, and will create repercussions throughout your relationship.
Play house before you get married. Having some skin in the game makes issues visible.
If you ever, ever think to yourself, "things will be different when we get married", you are waving your own red flag in front of your face. ~Donna

Sarahkayfa · April 2011

1.) What do you know now that you wish you had known in your previous marriage?I wish I'd known that our love wasn't impervious to tragedies. If we'd had known, perhaps we would have taken better care of our marriage, tried harder to repair the damage before it became too great. Because we believed we couldn't fail, we took each other for granted.Also, I think because we were so young, we were still developing who we were, our values, our ideals. We still saw each other as the kids we were when we fell in love, but we didn't notice that we weren't the same people after 8 years and didn't know how to start getting to know each other. In summary---I learned how important it is to pay attention, to not take my partner for granted, never to assume anything, to seek help in times of trouble, to keep talking about the important things.
2.) if you had it all to do over again what things would you keep the same? I don't know. He and I had a lot of fun together. The one thing I would have done differently, is that I would have ended my marriage when I realized it was over, instead of half-trying to make it work. I think by being honest, I'd have save us both a lot of heartache.

3.) What advise would you give to a young couple who are just starting out?Keep talking about the important things: children, family, work, all of that, those things change. Ask for help for your marriage when bad things happen, even if you don't think you need it. Keep having fun together. Keep your love life fresh. When bad things happen, try to turn to each other.

handfast4me · April 2011

Ok, I have a line that I heard from a motiviational speaker. She said that she rarely regrets the things she's done, but ALWAYS regrets the things she didn't.

That being said:

1.) What do you know now that you wish you had known in your previous marriage?
see question #2

2.) if you had it all to do over again what things would you keep the same?
I would definitely have lived with my first H BEFORE marriage. I think that would have solved a lot of problems, and probably would have prevented me from marrying him--we had totally different ideas of things, and these are things that would NEVER have been found out until we were living with one another 24/7. I also wish I had not put my own career on hold thinking that he would actually work on his. I would have moved to NY, taken a few risks, and at least been able to say I tried a few things that I can't do now. However, like others, I do not regret having my daughter--that was the best thing to come out of that relationship.

3.) What advise would you give to a young couple who are just starting out? I don't have any advice, because I am the last one who should be telling other people what to do. But, see statement above the quesitions.

Sue-n-Kevin · April 2011

What advise would you give to a young couple who are just starting out?

This is the only one that applies to me (I'm a first time bride marrying someone who's been had two prior marriages) But now that I'm in my 50's, I certainly have plenty of advice, LOL.

Make sure you accept each other as you are. No one should have to change to make someone else happy. Having said that, there are compromises in interaction that can be accomplished very well. Make sure when you do disagree that you keep the argument to the topic at hand and don't go all over the map bringing up every single slight.

People do change in a long term relationship. Your needs, wants, desires change. The entire direction of a career, losing a job, having a family, dealing with grief, all of these things mean a reaction by TWO people, not just one. Your spouse should be the most supportive person in your life: when something major happens, good or bad, they should be your BFF and parents all rolled into one. Each needs emotional stability and maturity to assist in transitions into different atmospheres of a two person relationship. This is some serious bonding going on and needs to be thought of in those ways.

Good luck.

thealphabride · April 2011

1.) What do you know now that you wish you had known in your previous marriage? I got married because I was prego and trying to do the right thing. It was the wrong thing to do. I wish I had never married him, even if I hadn't I would still have my darling and dear son.

2.) if you had it all to do over again what things would you keep the same? Having my son. That's it.

3.) What advise would you give to a young couple who are just starting out?

Take plenty of time to get to know each other. Don't consider marrying anyone who you haven't known for a full year. Don't try to change him, it cannot be done. If there are things about him you think will be different after you marry you are would be wrong. Marrying doesn't fix problems, it only makes them permanent. If there are ever problems, look in the mirror and figure out what you can do to make things better. The top 3 things married couples fight about is MONEY, SEX and KIDS, so be sure you are on the same page on these issues before you marry. Love each other fiercey, be loyal to each other, you must come first in each other's lives. Show him love DAILY, don't forget to PRAISE him, we all love to be praised.
Best of luck to you.

gosuzy · April 2011

1.) What do you know now that you wish you had known in your previous marriage?

It's better to argue and get the anger out of my system than to stuff my anger inside and let it fester.

Sometimes I'm selfish and too independent, but other times I am too quick to give in and act codependent.

2.) if you had it all to do over again what things would you keep the same?

Marry a man who is not wedded to his job but has time for his family.

Marry someone who shares my religion.

3.) What advise would you give to a young couple who are just starting out?

NEVER take each other for granted.

Go on dates and vacations, just the two of you, without the kids.

Don't let your sex life get put on the back burner because you are too busy or too tired or whatever.

COMMUNICATE. About everything!

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