I need some help

Re: I need some help

• sashajm member

  

  February 2010

  I realize  that this was Amoro's thread and possibly "her" board but I have been lurking a lot since getting engaged in October and I feel I have to weigh in seeing as how I am one of "those" people you all are talking about.  Frankly, I really don't care what your opinions are on what we are doing.  It doesn't bother me in the slightest if you disagree because we are doing what is right for us, for our families and for our friends.  I am posting though, because I think you guys could do with another point of view. 
  
  In some respects, I do agree with some of what you are saying.  I don't think one should have what they consider at the time to be their wedding and then decide later on, when they have more money, that they want something different.  In that case, I think it should be called a renewel of vows and not a wedding.
  
  My FI and I are having our wedding this summer.  However, we are legally getting married within the next week due to visa issues.  For us, it is purely the signing of a certificate so that we can stay together.  It is not the start of our marriage for us.  For me, signing this paper doesn't mean I'm married in the emotional or spiritual sense.  Yes, it does mean I'm marred in the legal sense but the legal sense does not signify a commitment to each other.  We will make that commitment to each other in front of our friends and family at our wedding this summer as per the wishes of both ourselves and our families.  My views in this matter could in part be a result of what the legal ceremony actually consists of - for one, I may or may not understand it depending on the dialect of the judge and the speed at which he/she talks.  And two, we each only say one word during the ceremony (yes) and we say it to the judge and not to each other.  To me, that's not a commitment to each other - it's more of a commitment to the state than anything else.  And since this country is big on the obligations of the citizens to the state, this actually makes sense in a strange way.   
  
  As to why we are doing the legal ceremony now: We had originally planned to get married this summer. This has not changed.  However, due to a change in immigration law a couple of weeks ago, we either have to get married now or I have to leave the country at the end of this month (when my permit expires) and go back to the U.S.  Some of you may say I should just go back to the U.S. and stick with the original plan.  However, leaving the country means six months without FI.  Then, because I've left the country, I have to apply for and wait for my family reunification permit from outside the country.  There's a six month minimum processing time for that application.  That means a year apart from FI, six months as husband and wife.  Then, because FI is a student and doesn't make the income requirement for family reunification, my application is most likely going to be denied.  I then have to wait a period of 3-4 months before starting the same application process again with, most likely, the same result.
  
  Thus, not having the legal ceremony now means that I am indefinitely apart from my FI.  Having the legal ceremony now and applying for family reunification while in the country on a valid permit (not a tourist visa!), means my income in this country counts and I should therefore be approved for my family permit. 
  
  Second, leaving this country means I lose my health insurance (I'm covered by the state because I live here on a valid permit (not tourist visa!) - one reason to appreciate a government-run health care program).  While some of you may have gone long periods without health insurance and been just fine, that's not my case.  I have several pre-existing conditions including a blood clot in my brain for which I need daily medication.  Thus, no health insurance is NOT an option for me. 
  
  CN and the basic question: should I follow the original plan and have the legal ceremony simultaneously with the wedding, be separated from FI for an indefinitely amount of time and lose my health insurance or is it ok for us to do it our way where we have the legal ceremony now and the wedding this summer as planned? - and yes, we have talked this over with our families and they want it our way.  And for those who suggest calling the wedding this summer a renewel of vows, we're not making any vows to each other at the legal ceremony so there's nothing to repeat per se.    
  
  Sorry this was long.  I just wanted to give you all a different perspective. 
  
  As for what wise_rita was saying about not being able to give an opinion on something because you haven't been in that situation...well I think that you can give an opinion.  But, at the same time, I don't think you can say what you would do in any particular situation unless you have been in that situation.  You just don't know how you are going to react or what your emotional/physical/spiritual status will be until you're in that situation. 
  
  
  
  
  

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