The dreaded inviting children question- with a twist

moshi's paw · December 2009

Hi All!

I have a doozy of a question about inviting children. FI and I would greatly appreciate a child-less wedding, in an ideal world. Granted, FI and I have a handful of guests with small children (below the age of 8) and they do not expect us to invite the children (and some are even looking at it as a date night/weekend).

However, this is not an ideal world, and it is one where my parents are largely contributing to the wedding and my mother, the drama queen with the overactive imagination and mouth, has it in her head that only ONE child will be invited to the wedding- the daughter of my first cousin and his wife. I have never met this girl- circumstances have been that I haven't even met my cousin's wife, let alone their daughter. When I mentioned to my mother in hashing out the guest list that we didn't want children invited, she said "but we HAVE TO INVITE CHILD X". I retorted that if that cousin's daughter is invited, that we have to be fair and invite my other cousin's two children from the other side of the family, ages 3 and 5 (and I HAVE met them). My mother absolutely REFUSES to invite them, on account of them being "brats". Now, both sets of families will be coming from out of town, but the child who would be invited has babysitting offers from her extended family in my hometown, and the two who are not to be invited do not.

So at risk of causing another dramatic set-to with my mom about this (after the preliminary week-long bout of drama has FINALLY settled into productive planning), how is this tactfully handled? Chances are that if my cousin with the two kids comes, they'll bring them uninvited anyways. But if there is one child at the wedding, the rest of our friends and family with children are going to be upset that theirs were not invited.

Thanks for the advice

~MP

squirrly · December 2009

You need to be uniform about it. All children of siblings invited, and that's it. Or, all children of 1st cousins or closer are invited, and that's it. If the two cousins in question are both on your side of the family, they need to be treated the same.

kathjack95 · December 2009

I think Mom's getting ahead of herself. You didn't say how long the cousin's been married, or how old the kid in question is, but if you haven't met them in all this time it seems unlikely that they'd come to your wedding. However, if Mom insists on inviting this one girl to the wedding while rejecting the rest, then the onus is on her if the kid shows up and all complaints will be directed to Mom for handling. Mom can spend your entire wedding explaining herself to peeved parents.

Chickadee2010 · December 2009

I really think it's an all or nothing situation. It's adults only or not. As for mom being the one to have to explain herself to miffed guests, I don't think this will happen and B&G will likely get the blame.

MyNameIsNot · December 2009

Your mom is being ridiculous. You're right, this child shouldn't be invited.

But if she's paying, you're kind of stuck. Keep trying logic and reason. Maybe you'll get through.

efitzsi · December 2009

We are in a similar situation. We are making it uniform across the board, with the exception of the wedding party. The flower girl and ring bearer will be invited to the reception, and we will leave it up to their parents if they want them there.

tiffgriffin7 · December 2009

I agree...its an all or nothing invite. If your other cousin ends up bringing their kids uninvited, the faux pas is on them.

Your mom is being unreasonable.

moshi's paw · December 2009

thanks for the backup ladies. i agree she's being irrational and unfair. but alas, this is my mom and i'm kind of scared that the entire planning process is going to be tug of war over petty stuff like this

i'd really rather not have kids at the wedding. as selfish as it sounds, it's not our speed- we're having a late afternoon wedding with partying well into the am hours, and that's fine with about 99% of the guest list. most of our friends with children (who we love dearly) also agree, and are already talking about arrangements for babysitting and whatnot for the event since they'll be out of towners. i think my mom agrees too, but she's terrified that her side of the family (Child X is her late brother's granddaughter) won't come because of whatever restrictions we put on the event (no kids, location, etc), so in her mind we have to especially accomodate and cater to them. how do we compromise on catering to our guests and family while still making it our day to share with everyone (without sounding like a bridezilla)?

MyNameIsNot · December 2009

Don't let anyone tell you that it is selfish to have an adults only wedding. Plenty of people do adults only for a variety of reasons, and it is perfectly fine and polite.

Some people have done kids' rooms with a nanny and games and stuff on site, but in a different room. Maybe you could work out something like that to appease your mom?

ootmother2 · December 2009

I disagree that it's always all or none with children but in your case I don't think an exception should be made for one giving these reasons.

Try to talk your mom down on this one, I think just one child would feel a little awkward for the kid unless she's a total princess AW. You don't need that at all.

squirrly · December 2009

What about setting up a children's room at the reception site? You could hire a babysitter & then the parents are only steps away if they want to go check on the child, but the kids aren't mingling at the reception.

ellenalabama · December 2009

It's too bad that just because your mom is paying she thinks she gets to call the shots. It is YOUR wedding. How special is it really for her to pay for your wedding when you don't get to have what you want? It sucks that she has put you in that position. It is not selfish to want an adults only reception! We have 3 children of our own that are going to be in our wedding, but they are our children. They are also not staying for the whole reception either! Our invite is going to say "Adults only reception to follow". Do you have an aunt or someone who can talk to her about it? It seems that whatever solution you do come up with you are going to have to make her think she thought of it so she still feels like she is in control? Don't lose site of the big picture with all of the petty things going on...you're getting married!!!! (yay!!!) You will be so happy on the big day that I'm sure all this won't even matter! Good luck!

slbriz34 · December 2009

I agree it's all or nothing as it relates to family, though I'm not for this as it relates to others. My brother and his cousin are the only ones inviting their little kids because all of the family will be at the wedding and my brother will be coming in from out of town. No other children will be allowed and no one has an issue with this.

But you can't invite the kid of cousin X without Y. Now what you can do is call them and say that they wiill be getting an invite and your mom wants them to bring their kid, but explain that you are having an adult wedding and would appreciate if they didn't bring the kid and tell your mom they opted to leave her home. But it doesn't sound like you are close with your cousin, so this may not work out.

Having three kids at a wedding won't be so bad; it could be a lot worse. GL.

squirrly · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_dreaded-inviting-children-question-twist?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:2d4e0bb6-9226-4211-bcbf-a08af6397efcPost:cba9e0b9-f83b-4580-a516-313f2a5ac60e">Re: The dreaded inviting children question- with a twist</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree it's all or nothing as it relates to family, though I'm not for this as it relates to others. My brother and his cousin are the only ones inviting their little kids because all of the family will be at the wedding and my brother will be coming in from out of town. No other children will be allowed and no one has an issue with this. But you can't invite the kid of cousin X without Y. Now what you can do is call them and say that they wiill be getting an invite and your mom wants them to bring their kid, but explain that you are having an adult wedding and would appreciate if they didn't bring the kid and tell your mom they opted to leave her home. But it doesn't sound like you are close with your cousin, so this may not work out. Having three kids at a wedding won't be so bad; it could be a lot worse. GL.
Posted by slbriz34[/QUOTE]

So, you want her to take the fight with her mom public? In front of the family? If I were the cousin and you called and told me this, I'd likely not attend at all, and having nothing good to say about you or your mom or the argument you couldn't keep between yourselves.

Come to an agreement with mom, and go from there.

MyNameIsNot · December 2009

Now what you can do is call them and say that they wiill be getting an invite and your mom wants them to bring their kid, but explain that you are having an adult wedding and would appreciate if they didn't bring the kid and tell your mom they opted to leave her home.

This might be the worst advice I've ever read. Not only is it taking the disagreement with your mom public, it is incredibly rude to the family you are calling. You cannot send someone an invitation and then call them and tell them you don't really want them to come. Just no.

gretchen333 · December 2009

I agree - all or nothing. Mom needs to back off and respect that it is your wedding. I also love the nanny idea. Heck.... I might consider doing that for my wedding!

ladybirda · December 2009

I think one way to reason with your mom is to present the perspective of the child. Children, especially very young children, are often terribly bored at weddings, and become tired and cranky, forcing the parents to leave early. Explain that you would prefer for your adult cousins to be able to enjoy the wedding as a fun evening out, and then suggest inviting the child to the postwedding brunch if you're having one.

chosen175 · December 2009

No parent in their right mind would bring a child to a wedding reception and expect them to stay awake/well-behaved until the wee hours of the morning. It just isn't possible. I'd NEVER do that with my 2 y/o - we'd either leave at her bedtime or I would get a sitter for that night. (I know a lot of brides try to be helpful in setting up a kids' room, but there is ZERO chance of me leaving my kid with a complete stranger.)

And PLEASE don't call this child's parents and say "My mom is making me invite your kid, but I'd really rather you didn't bring her." That's just wrong on so many levels.

Is there something else you and your mom disagree on that you can use as a barter? "OK mom, I'll rent the linens YOU like if you leave me alone about not inviting this 1 kid." I'm the kind of person, though, who would just address the invite to the parents, mail it out, and deal with my mother later. But that's just me.

moshi's paw · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_dreaded-inviting-children-question-twist?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:2d4e0bb6-9226-4211-bcbf-a08af6397efcPost:cba9e0b9-f83b-4580-a516-313f2a5ac60e">Re: The dreaded inviting children question- with a twist</a>:
[QUOTE]Now what you can do is call them and say that they wiill be getting an invite and your mom wants them to bring their kid, but explain that you are having an adult wedding and would appreciate if they didn't bring the kid and tell your mom they opted to leave her home. But it doesn't sound like you are close with your cousin, so this may not work out. Having three kids at a wedding won't be so bad; it could be a lot worse. GL.
Posted by slbriz34[/QUOTE]
um yeah no. i'm not calling my cousin who i've barely talked to in the past ten years to shoehorn him into the arguement between my mother and me. he has MORE than enough on his plate without that BS drama.

and three kids at the wedding COULD be a lot worse, since there are about TWELVE kids we could invite but are choosing not to, and we would be snubbing family and friends by excluding their children and including others'. i don't want to deal with cranky children and cranky adults at the reception.

this isn't the biggest hurdle to face right now either. we had this hissy fit on the initial guest list count for my side of the family, and i want to make sure it's nipped in the bud before the actual invites go out. i appreciate everyone's solid input tho! hopefully my mother will either drop the issue when it's time to address the invites or i will put up a united front against the single child on the list.

~MP

cjohnsen2010 · December 2009

Can you include this one child into the wedding, like a flower girl?

squirrly · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_dreaded-inviting-children-question-twist?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:2d4e0bb6-9226-4211-bcbf-a08af6397efcPost:a41fe272-93cd-487c-8354-ae4e2e8d7b13">Re: The dreaded inviting children question- with a twist</a>:
[QUOTE]Can you include this one child into the wedding, like a flower girl?
Posted by cjohnsen2010@gmail.com[/QUOTE]

If the child is in the wedding, she definitely needs to be invited to the reception, so that really doesn't help the OP.

The dreaded inviting children question- with a twist

Re: The dreaded inviting children question- with a twist

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