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Down a BM...

gia0404gia0404 member
Knottie Warrior 100 Comments Combo Breaker
in New Jersey
I am officially down a bridesmaid. My brother & his fiance have officially broken up. This happened in November but was really hoping that things would work out after them having a break. It does not look that way. He has moved out & everything has been split up.

His (ex)fiance, who I will refer to as K, was 1 of my bridesmaids. Monday I went to a dress fitting with 1 of my other bm's & that's when I realized K, owes a $80 balance on her dress. Am I responsible for this or is she? And any suggestions on how to handle this? It was kinda a mutual thing, her dropping out & me asking her not to be an attendant.

I asked if dress shop would want as a sample, (if K did not want) since they did not have 1 of those dresses, hoping then the $80 balance might be lowered or a wash, but they don't...

I've also thought about trying to fill the spot, their were 2 others I wanted to have as bm's but was trying to keep it to a minimum. But I feel like that is so rude/tacky being only a month away from wedding...Plus, how do I say "Well you didn't make 1st BM cut but now there's a spot open & btw pay $80 for a dress..."

Sorry so long! Any thoughts??
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Re: Down a BM...

  • mbcdefgmbcdefg member
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    K should have to pay, not you. Let the salon handle that.

    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_down-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:90Discussion:7a762ba8-73ae-4be1-b0b5-f2fd3c7c417ePost:4e0132ad-a958-4059-bc8b-c73b70e60d09">Down a BM...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I've also thought about trying to fill the spot, their were 2 others I wanted to have as bm's but was trying to keep it to a minimum. <strong>But I feel like that is so rude/tacky being only a month away from wedding...Plus, how do I say "Well you didn't make 1st BM cut but now there's a spot open & btw pay $80 for a dress..."</strong> Sorry so long! Any thoughts??
    Posted by gia0404[/QUOTE]

    I agree with you 100%. Just leave everything the way it is and continue on with the girls you have left. Your sides don't need to be even. Two guys can escort one girl if you want, or the extra guy can walk solo. It really doesn't matter.
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  • altimat873altimat873 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I was in the same spot but we hadnt ordered dresses yet, my sister was asked and accepted, then later on told me she couldnt commit to all the measurements, fittings, bach party etc etc and it was too expensive. I was a little caught offguard because I would have liked my own sister to tell this to me beforehand, so now, yes we have an uneven wedding party. But Im over it hahaha

    I agree - let the store handle the balance with "K", has nothing to do with you kind of. . . its her committment to the bridal shop for payment. When she agreed to be a bridesmaid, she agreed to these expenses unless otherwise told to her.
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  • TaraK22TaraK22 member
    Fourth Anniversary 100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    i definitely agree that you shouldn't ask another person to fill her spot, most especially because it's 1 month away. i don't think that there's a good way to say "you didn't make the 1st cut, but down that i'm down a bm, you're in!" plus, think about how your other girls may feel - they've likely put in a lot of time, money, and thought into your planning process and pre-wedding parties, and to have someone come in last minute may be a little awkward. i don't think it's weird at all to have uneven numbers - there's no rule saying that your and FI's number of closest friends need to be the same - the #'s are what they are!
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  • MissButtersMissButters
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_down-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:90Discussion:7a762ba8-73ae-4be1-b0b5-f2fd3c7c417ePost:4e0132ad-a958-4059-bc8b-c73b70e60d09">Down a BM...</a>:
    [QUOTE] Am I responsible for this or is she? And any suggestions on how to handle this? It was kinda a mutual thing, her dropping out & me asking her not to be an attendant.
    Posted by gia0404[/QUOTE]

    If you asked her not to be in it, then I think maybe just cover the $80 (I know it sucks) and just let it go.  If it was her decision not to be in it, then I would let the dress shop handle it.  Or, maybe you can split or something?
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  • LADY324LADY324
    2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_down-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:90Discussion:7a762ba8-73ae-4be1-b0b5-f2fd3c7c417ePost:ca77adfc-a8ae-4a60-bad5-3154f9daf682">Re: Down a BM...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Down a BM... : If you asked her not to be in it, then I think maybe just cover the $80 (I know it sucks) and just let it go.  If it was her decision not to be in it, then I would let the dress shop handle it.  Or, maybe you can split or something?
    Posted by MissButters[/QUOTE]

    I agree with this.  I know it stinks but if you asked her to step down as well as her agreeing to drop out I would honestly just pay it and then forget about the whole breakup.
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  • kristen8040kristen8040 member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I'd just cover it so it doesn't become an ugly issue.
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  • sgdc2011sgdc2011 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    If she doesn't pay, yes you are responsible.  Or at least most places say the bride is responsible for any balances unpaid.
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  • cindy91788cindy91788
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_down-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:90Discussion:7a762ba8-73ae-4be1-b0b5-f2fd3c7c417ePost:8b73a046-f8fb-4ccb-8966-2d6efbfeab17">Re: Down a BM...</a>:
    [QUOTE]If she doesn't pay, yes you are responsible.  Or at least most places say the bride is responsible for any balances unpaid.
    Posted by sgdc2011[/QUOTE]
    I never heard of that and I certainly hope this is not the case. If someone buys something, how is it my responsibility, whether they are in my wedding or not. Unless the bride were to sign something saying she would be responsible if the BM didn't pay, I don't see how the store could possibly make you pay an unpaid balance for one of their dresses.
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  • mmontronimmontroni
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I agree with kristen- I think you should probably just pay the $80 upfront, and then if K asks you about it/wants to pay you back later on, you can let her.  And definitely stick with the two bridesmaids you have now.
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  • altimat873altimat873 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I disagree, my bridal shop made each girl sign there own agreement about deposits, final payment and alterations when they went in for measurements as I made it very clear they were each paying for their own dresses.
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  • VivianM27VivianM27
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I just want to add, if you find yourself in the position of someone else filling in, PLEASE do not ask her to pay the balance.  That would be very rude, as they would be doing you a favor.
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  • G&G2010G&G2010 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_down-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:90Discussion:7a762ba8-73ae-4be1-b0b5-f2fd3c7c417ePost:2654f419-832e-4cc6-88f6-a05df959fa92">Re: Down a BM...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I agree with kristen- I think you should probably just pay the $80 upfront, and then if K asks you about it/wants to pay you back later on, you can let her.  And definitely stick with the two bridesmaids you have now.
    Posted by mmontroni[/QUOTE]

    This! It would be nice for you to just pay the $80 since it's not as if she's electing to drop out because of something between the two of you. I don't know the back story, but I'm sure she's going through a hard enough time breaking off an engagement. It just seems like the right thing to do. 
    Also, go with your instinct about not asking someone to fill in for her this late in the game. There's nothing wrong with having an uneven number in the bridal party.  
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  • kristen8040kristen8040 member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_down-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:90Discussion:7a762ba8-73ae-4be1-b0b5-f2fd3c7c417ePost:e5ce5925-417c-4f20-9cf2-b132b55e261e">Re: Down a BM...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Down a BM... : This! It would be nice for you to just pay the $80 since it's not as if she's electing to drop out because of something between the two of you. I don't know the back story, but I'm sure she's going through a hard enough time breaking off an engagement. It just seems like the right thing to do.  Also, go with your instinct about not asking someone to fill in for her this late in the game. There's nothing wrong with having an uneven number in the bridal party.  
    Posted by G&G2010[/QUOTE]

    <div>I  agree.  I would hope you didn't just put her in because she was your brother's FI.  If she really is a friend to you, you should understand she's going through a tough time and the last thing she should be hounded about is paying for a dress for her ex-FI's family's wedding which she kind of got kicked out of.</div>
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  • NJgurl19NJgurl19 member
    500 Comments Third Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_new-jersey_down-bm?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:90Discussion:7a762ba8-73ae-4be1-b0b5-f2fd3c7c417ePost:3d826b44-e11e-4845-8cf6-75aa9c4a0f6e">Re: Down a BM...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'd just cover it so it doesn't become an ugly issue.
    Posted by kristen8040[/QUOTE]
    Ditto!
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  • vjt730vjt730
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    i would honestly do nothing until its an issue.. if the store contacts her to pay and she does without a problem great, if the store calls you saying what should we do then you pay since you asked her not to be in it..
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  • sgdc2011sgdc2011 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    My store has a sign up saying the bride is responsible for an unpaid balances, maybe it's only in the cases where the bm refuses to pay? I'm not sure.  Luckily I don't know from experience, I just read the sign.
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  • kasabbykasabby
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I wouldn't think you were responsible for the dress--unless you asked her to step down. I would wait and see if the store calls you.

    As for asking someone else, I don't think you should. Leave it as is. The sides can be uneven.
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  • Reilly626Reilly626 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Do you have a family member that could just step in and you pay for the dress out-right? I would do it that way or ask a close friend to help you out... if not scrap everything, pay for the dress and move on.
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  • mrsdevilguymrsdevilguy member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I had this happen to me about 4 months before the wedding. If she bailed out of the wedding it's her responsibility to pay for the balance and accept the dress. If you "kicked" her out of the wedding party then you should pay for the balance on the dress. As far as the store is concerned it may vary - I know the owner of the store we got the dress from said what I just stated above.
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