Anyone gotten legally married before having the wedding?

armymamachick · October 2010

My husband and I got married by proxy a few weeks ago b/c we are both deployed to Iraq. We'd been planning the wedding for some time and the Army put him on orders to another post, but refused to put me on orders since we weren't actually married yet. Although I won't be lying to my family about it, I don't intend on telling my family about the paperwork being done. Some battles are best avoided, and the drama/ stress that it would cause is really unnecessary. It worked to solve our immediate problems and we'll still have our beautiful wedding as planned next year.

LizHZ · October 2010

DF and I know maybe a dozen guys who've done some version of this, be it legal ceremony a few days or a week before the big religious white wedding (so they could do the ID/DEERS before the honeymoon) or legal ceremony before deployment or on R&R, then big religious white wedding afterwards, or legal ceremony then a year later do a big vow renewal... there are tons of iterations and it's pretty common, at least at Hood & Schofield.
I hate to say this but most of those marriages did not go well. Some were couples who'd been together a long time, were engaged for months or a year, and had a strong marriage afterwards. However, the majority of them were couples who probably wouldn't have made it through the engagement process and preparing for marriage as a couple... and instead of a non-legal break-up, they had to go through a divorce. Really not pretty.
On our part- I moved halfway across the country and we're unmarried. We've had to make budget cuts to do it, I'm on individual health insurance, and I had to pay for my own move, but we're planning our wedding for next spring and with the changes our relationship is going through as we move through this process, I wouldn't take a JOP at this point- the experience has been invaluable to us as a couple.

[Deleted User] · October 2010

It's totally normal to filing a marriage license with the court before having a wedding, it's very very common in the military. I'm enlisting with the Corps. next summer after I receive my degree but my fiance will be deployed until right before my boot camp graduation (YAY!) so to ensure we can participate in the Marine Corps. "Join Spouse" program we are "getting married" in the court before he leaves on deployment in February. It's not what you imagine when you think of getting married but it allows you to go with him where ever the military takes him, something you will do for the rest of his career.

amaeby924 · October 2010

Well, I definitely enjoyed reading these posts!

It appears we all have our own opinions, and some might be more agressive about them than others. But, I guess the moral of this story is that you really can't listen to anyone else, it is your life! There is a saying "If you lived his life, you would make his decisions."
Do what's best for you, and if you make a mistake, you'll learn from them. If you get married for the wrong reasons, you'll soon know. If you get legally married before you have your wedding ceremony, it doesn't necessarily mean that you are having a wedding just for the gifts.

I read one of your posts that said you knew a couple that considered themselves married but weren't in the eyes of the law, why is it such a terrible thing to do the opposite? Marriage by law is there for our benefit, and being married in front of our friends and family is for our hearts & souls, in my opinion. I was wearing a sweatshirt at my first "wedding." I am going to wear a beautiful gown at my ceremony. I am literally having my cake and eating it, too. I would be okay if I wasn't having a big ceremony, but I know that my family wants to celebrate that special day with us, and I am not going to deny them that. We have our own reasons for getting legally married first, and people can either choose to understand or not. Our families have been very supportive, although it is obviously a delicate topic.

Whatever you choose to do, it is your own prerogative. And what you have to realize is that there are people out there who are going to have their oppinions, however strong, and you will be judged for what you do. You just have to be prepared to deal with it, and not freak out. If you can justify your life for yourself and those who are close to you, than that's all that should matter.

Good luck with everything, ladies! I wish you all the best!

KatyBug513 · October 2010

I just had a talk today with the boyfriend, a 3 hour long talk, lol. He's still over in Afghanistan currently but I guess he's been doing a lot of thinking about everything and god bless him, he would marry me tomorrow if he could, I swear. I'm the one that's trying to take things slower and put some more time into waiting. He wants to get married when he home on post-deployment leave when he hasn't even proposed yet, lol. He's adorable, he really is but I had to tell him, I want to be engaged for some months before jumping into marriage, no matter how we do it, big white wedding or JOP,

I told him I want my moms approval and families approval, I know my mom would lose her mind if I got married after being engaged for 2 weeks, I wouldn't even dream of doing that, anyway. No offense to anyone that has done so, it's just not my style. So , I had to talk some sense into him, well not sense, just some patience into him, lol.

We did have the talk about other peoples opinions, everyone already thinks we're "rushing" because we are in love and tell each other so all the time, I realize that no matter what, everyone is going to have their opinions and like my boyfriend said, the only thing that matters is if you are happy with your decisions and with what you have and want.

Anyone gotten legally married before having the wedding?

Re: Anyone gotten legally married before having the wedding?

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