2 Questions: 1) Should I be upset? 2) Am I a bitch?

sarahtree · May 2011

Hi everyone. I have two questions I'm hoping you can help me with.

1) My wedding is July 2nd. My reply card date deadline is June 2nd. We sent our invitations out 3 weeks ago, and so far we have only received 6 back. That's 6 / 110. I'm so hurt. I guess people just aren't interested in coming. The only people to actually send them back so far have been my parents' friends and family. Not even my bridesmaids have put their card back, and you have to send it back because you have to select a meal option. I feel like people just don't care.

2) One of the six cards we have received back was from my (single) female cousin. She included Jane and Guest. I texted her to ask if she was bringing her roomate and she said no, she hasn't found someone yet to bring. I wanted to know who she was bringing so I could make the approrpriate name tag (we're colour coding them based on meal selection.)

So my cousin essentially said that she can't find anyone yet, and she may not be able to find someone, but we still are suppose to fork out $125 for a filet mignon meal for this guest who may or may not even be found by July 2nd.

We're paying for this wedding ourselves and I want to write back how rude it is to include a +1 now that doesn't even exist. Essentially my cousin is just trying to scramble to find someone to bring.

My other cousin (not related to other cousin) who is my maid of honor said that this reply card cousin is really uncomfortable coming alone.. WTF?? Her sister and brothers are coming wihtout a date, what is the big deal??

Can I text her back I need a name or she can't bring "anyone". I think my cousin is being ridiclous - her "singleness" will stand out even more when there's an EMPTY chair beside her at the wedding.

Please ladies... Tell me if I'm being unreasonable...

verymegv · May 2011

1) don't panic about the RSVPs. is it rude to not respond in a timely manner? yes. do they still have time? yes, and you will get a flood of RSVPs at the last minute. also, remember that not everyone is thinking about your wedding 24/7, and will need some prompting to mail in their card. it's just the reality of the situation, so don't take it personally. it's not that their not interested.

2) if you invited your cousin alone, then she really needs to honor that. you have every right to put your foot down on this one. you can put in politely and say that you can't accomodate extra guests.

also, i think that the wedding party really deserves +1s, regardless of their relationship status. it's a nice gesture, and i think that if you have the room, you should give your MOH a +1 for sure.

nda_roxybabe · May 2011

Holy over reaction. People still have time. A lot of people don't drop those in the mail until the last minute.

sarahtree · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2-questions-1-should-upset-2-am-bitch?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a57e7fc5-d3ab-417a-86ef-167923c65288Post:2d9b024c-b40a-4b7a-b472-699f7f10ef5d">Re: 2 Questions: 1) Should I be upset? 2) Am I a bitch?</a>:
[QUOTE]1) don't panic about the RSVPs. is it rude to not respond in a timely manner? yes. do they still have time? yes, and you will get a flood of RSVPs at the last minute. also, remember that not everyone is thinking about your wedding 24/7, and will need some prompting to mail in their card. it's just the reality of the situation, so don't take it personally. it's not that their not interested. 2) if you invited your cousin alone, then she really needs to honor that. you have every right to put your foot down on this one. you can put in politely and say that you can't accomodate extra guests. <strong>also, i think that the wedding party really deserves +1s, regardless of their relationship status. it's a nice gesture, and i think that if you have the room, you should give your MOH a +1 for sure</strong>.
Posted by verymegv[/QUOTE]

<div>? </div><div>
</div><div>Everyone got a +1. If they were married or in a relationship it was Jon and Jane Smith. If they weren't, it was Jane Smith and Guest.</div><div>My issue isn't that my cousin is brining a guest, it's that she put down she's bringing a guest, hasn't found anyone yet and may show up alone, when we have paid for her "guest" to have a meal, and reserved a spot for them. </div>

jess9802 · May 2011

1) Don't overreact - if people haven't responded by the RSVP deadline, and you have to confirm the attendance of 104 guests, then you'd probably be justified in feeling irritated. I doubt it's that people don't care - they are just forgetful or lazy or not thinking ahead to early July. They don't realize how rude it is not to immediately respond to the RSVP request.

2) I think your cousin is being rude. My first thought is to tell her (very nicely!) that you'll need the name of her guest and her guest's meal choice by the RSVP deadline. If she can't find a date by your RSVP deadline, that's on her, and I don't think it's reasonable for her to expect you and your FI to pay $125 for the possibility that she might have a date. If she doesn't have someone, then shoot, tell her there are going to be some cute single guys there or you'll try to seat her near someone interesting/cute/ fun.

ootmother2 · May 2011

There seems to be a lot of rude people around you!!

gailpete · May 2011

It's great that you could give everyone a +1. However, that doesn't give your cousin the right to force you to pay for an empty chair if she can't find a date. Tell her that she has until two days before you have to give your venue a final count to give you a name and meal choice. If she can't do that , then you will mark her down as coming alone.

DramaGeek · May 2011

You gave your cousin a +1, you need to be prepared to pay for that. It would have been better for her to wait and respond closer to the date, but it is what it is.

As for the RSVPs, remember that a lot of people don't have schedules until closer to. They may be waiting on sports schedules, camp schedules, work schedules, etc. As someone else said, you are the only one thinking about your wedding 24/7. To the rest of them it's just a blip on the screen.

bmoruzzi · May 2011

1. I don't blame you for being disappointed. My RSVP deadline is June 1st. I am waiting on 26 responses. I'm hoping these people will send in by Wednesday. If not, I'll suck it up and call them. But, it's still irritating.

2. Your cousin is being ridiculous. Just tell her to not bring anyone. She will not be alone.

jessicabessica · May 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_2-questions-1-should-upset-2-am-bitch?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:a57e7fc5-d3ab-417a-86ef-167923c65288Post:83509b44-7b19-414e-a75e-6d70b4eb8274">Re: 2 Questions: 1) Should I be upset? 2) Am I a bitch?</a>:
[QUOTE]1) Don't overreact - if people haven't responded by the RSVP deadline, and you have to confirm the attendance of 104 guests, then you'd probably be justified in feeling irritated. I doubt it's that people don't care - they are just forgetful or lazy or not thinking ahead to early July. They don't realize how rude it is not to immediately respond to the RSVP request. 2) I think your cousin is being rude. <strong>My first thought is to tell her (very nicely!) that you'll need the name of her guest and her guest's meal choice by the RSVP deadline</strong>. If she can't find a date by your RSVP deadline, that's on her, and I don't think it's reasonable for her to expect you and your FI to pay $125 for the possibility that she might have a date. If she doesn't have someone, then shoot, tell her there are going to be some cute single guys there or you'll try to seat her near someone interesting/cute/ fun.
Posted by jess9802[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>The bolded part is what I would do about your cousin.
</div>

kcscejal · May 2011

My RSVP date is June 1 and I'm waiting on 108 responses, so I get it, but people are procrastinators. Give it until a few days after the RSVP date, and then worry about it.

I would wait until closer until the date that you have to give your caterer final numbers, and if she still doesn't know the name of her date then tell her she will have to come alone.

sklink0486 · May 2011

Listen, I get why you're upset, but you need to relax. It's upsetting that it SEEMS that your family and friends don't care, but honestly, people are busy and sending that RSVP may be the last thing on their minds even though they know you're getting married and plan on coming so just face the fact that you (and maybe your mothers) are gonna have to make several phone calls. Try not to take it so personally.

Secondly, if you gave your cousin a +1 (thinking she would bring her roommate), I'm not understanding why you feel the need to be upset and/or concerned about paying for the meal now? Just because you're not sure exactly who she's bringing as her +1 that you GAVE her the option to bring? Tell her you need a name by a certain date, otherwise she'll have to come alone.

vexie · May 2011

don't sweat the cousin's +1 until closer to the time you need tell let your vendors know exact numbers (usually only 1-2 weeks prior to the wedding). Mark her down as 2, and if she doesn't have a date by the time you need to confirm numbers, tell her she's coming solo. Simple

As for the RSVP's... that's a really early deadline for people to tell you if they're coming or not. Normally invites only get mailed out 8 weeks prior to the wedding with a deadline a week or two before the vendors need final numbers (so probably more like the first week of July) I'd wait until last minute too to reply to your invite because who really knows what's happening so far away, especially in the middle of summer. Don't worry... you have lots of time to contact everyone who doesn't respond just don't be surprised if you hear some 'we really hope to come but we're waiting to find out work schedules/vacation plans/ etc'

erogosin · May 2011

As for the RSVP's, I wouldn't worry until a week after the RSVP date. Then, start making calls. "hey, it's Kate here. We didn't get an RSVP card and just wanted to touch base; we'd really love you there....." My sister broke up with her boyfriend a few months ago, and the wedding is in Sept, the invites are going out in 2 weeks. I tell her, "I don't have you down for a +1, but let me know if you need one." Nasty emails ensue. I say "That's fine. who are you bringing? ." Her response "I'm not going to answer hypothetical questions 4 months before your wedding. I'll find someone." My sister and your cousin should hang out.

My fiance and I decided that we didn't want to meet people at our wedding; we followed Emily Post and didn't give +1 to singles or people who were just casually dating (less than 3 months, or if we'd never heard about them. Small wedding, we're pretty close with all the people invited). If she's single, she's single. If you're limited in space or numbers or money, then no, she doesn't get one. At the end of the day, you and your fiance are going to make the call, and it's rude of her to add herself a guest. "Dear cousin, I really love you and want you to be there when I marry my love, but we just can't accommodate a guest for you; I'm so sorry."Be strong. You are not Bridezilla.

Mrs.B6302007 · May 2011

1) No, you shouldn't be upset. Don't read too much into it about people not caring and stuff. People just haven't replied yet; many wait until the last minute. Ditto others about calling AFTER the RSVP date has passed.

2) I see both sides. You DID offer her an "and guest" so the money for the guest was already in the budget. You CAN'T dictate who that guest is. I do hear you though on the "I'll find someone" because if she doesn't, it is frustrating to already pay for that plate. However, things like this happen in wedding planning. You're going to have no shows so paying for unused plates is just part of the joys of wedding planning. One thing you can do is call her the day before your final count is due and see if she found someone and make it clear that THAT is her final decision.

PinkGold&Roses · May 2011

Omg, I totally know how you feel! It's annoying when people don't rsvd. Sometimes it feels like no one cares...but then I have to remember how I acted with previous weddings my friends/family had. Did I rsvp right away? No. Did I immediately ask them if they needed help with anything? No...Now I know what they were going through! I feel bad...my outlook on weddings will never be the same.

PinkGold&Roses · May 2011

Oh and another thing for $125 for a random date, I would say no. Especially when she hasn't even found this person. My thing is this: if my friends know other people and have friends/family at the wedding, they don't need to bring a random date. Now if they are in a relationship, that's different. But seriously one of my BM's is still trying to find a random date and she's in the freakin wedding! I don't see why she wants one so bad with her knowing people there and being in the wedding party. The wedding is an hour away from where we live and he is going to have to drive to the wedding separately (she will be there the day before) and meet her there. I really doubt some random guy will do that. She's like, "i will have to let you know later because I don't know who is coming"...ugghhhh

libbyloutoo · May 2011

#1 - RSVP. I didn't even get a lot of my RSVP cards back. My grandmother and Maid of Honor didn't even bother to send theirs in because "you know I'm coming right?". Everything thinks that magically they don't have to send the RSVP and you will be able to read their mind as to their intentions.
We also got a lot of last minute RSVPs.
Wait until your RSVP date hits and then start calling.

#2 - Put your cousin down as a +1. Tell her if she doesn't have a designated date and a name for you by the RSVP date that she cannot bring a guest. You need to know for sure who is attending.

MyNameIsNot · May 2011

1) It's too early to be worried about it. The RSVP date is next week, and your wedding is on a holiday weekend. People need time to confirm that they don't have other obligations. If you are still missing some next weekend, then you can be annoyed, and you can start making those calls.

2) For the cousin, I think you are being b!tchy for no reason. Unless she's planned a wedding or other large event, she has no idea that you are on the hook for no show plates. And even if she has, it isn't her fault you opted for a $125/plate event. When the time comes to turn in numbers, call her (not text) and tell her you need the name of her date. If she still doesn't know, then you can be more direct and tell her that you don't want to be on the hook if she's not actually going to bring someone.

Milsey32 · May 2011

1 - No, you should not be upset. You should be realistic. Your wedding is important to you... not the world. On Wednesday people will come across your invite while sorting through their mail and then realize they have to RSVP... it happens, get over it. If you don't receive invites by NEXT week, then you can start making phone calls.

2 - No, you're not a bitch. Personally, I don't like the idea of strangers at my own wedding and therefore single people will not receive a +1 (and also because of cost and the fact that everyone will know someone else at the wedding). However, if you gave her a +1 she's more than welcome to invite anyone she wants. It would be bitchy of her to say she's bringing a date and show up single so instead of demanding a name, I would just emphasis how you don't want your money wasted and would appreciate a final decision.

erin752 · May 2011

1. Rsvp cards. I am actually getting married on July 2nd too. We sent out save the dates around christmas time, and our invites also went out on a timely fashion. Yet we are still missing about 60 rsvp cards. I think that it's not like they don't care, but the invites went out of their sight, and out of their mind. So I'm thinking we will still get the rest of them shortly after they are due. If not, just call them. They might also be taking a while to get them back because they might not know what they are doing that weekend, since it is the fourth of july weekend. People go on vacations, etc. So, for the majority of my guests, they didn't respond because they don't know if they will be in town. So don't worry. You'll get your invites shortly.

2. As for you cousin. You're much nicer than I am. I didn't give any of my guests a +1 unless they were in the bridal party, married, engaged, or in a relationship with another person for more than six months. I know it's mean, and people might say that I'm a bitch, but I can't see paying for a meal of a person I will never see again, or my actual guest will never see again either. Weddings cost money. They are also meant for the bride and groom to share a special day with their family and friends without worrying about introducing themselves and making a person they never seen before happy. So for your cousin, I would say that as of now, you do not have room for the extra guest at the moment, but you would still like your cousin to be a part of your special day. For you MOH, I would let them bring a +1, but also remind them that their guest will be alone for most of the day when they are getting ready with you, standing at the ceremony with you, and if you are having a head table like I am, eating without that person as well.

On an odd note. My best friend has cousin who brought an uninvited guest to her wedding. The girl ended up making a scene in front of everyone because they did not have the vodka she drank, and then ended up getting in the line with all the other single women and caught the bouquet. Although this might not seem that big a deal, my friend was not very happy that some stranger took home her bouquet.

2 Questions: 1) Should I be upset? 2) Am I a bitch?

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