Bridesmaid is ditching me!

panda10 · April 2010

Hey!
I'm having a dilemma with one of my bridesmaids. She informed me last week that she's thinking of spending the summer in Italy. I think it sounds great and fun and I would love to as well! We are getting married on July 31st, and she'll be gone the time of the wedding.
My fiancee is not happy with her right now because he thinks this is her being a flake and backing out on commitments. I agree with him a little, but I also think both things are once in a life time things.
However, she told me that she won't be able to tell me if she's going for sure until the end of May. (2 months before the wedding)
My question is, Do I wait it out till May and then try and find someone to replace her?
Do I tell her now that I need to know what she's doing so I can plan accordingly?

I'm really confused about this!

Thanks for your help!

baystateapple · April 2010

You don't find someone to replace her, period. You can have uneven sides if she decides to go to Italy. If she can't go, then she's in the wedding, and there aren't any issues. Asking someone to be a "backup bridesmaid" is very rude and hurtful to the girl you ask. Just go with the flow. Uneven sides aren't that bad.

One of my bridesmaids is going to be in graduate school this fall. She hasn't committed to buying the dress, so we don't know what's going on with her yet. If she can't make it home for the wedding, I'll be sad -- she has been my best friend since we were 8 -- but I understand. It's life. It happens. And my uneven sides? They'll be fine, as well.

jaimed99 · April 2010

As in 500 other posts...don't replace her! It's not vital that you have even sides, and your marriage will still be totally valid (way to rip off every other comment to similar posts, right?)...

Whether or not she decides to go to Italy is her decision. While it would suck, I doubt that she's doing it on purpose...maybe the opportunity came to her and as you said, it's a once-in-a-lifetime chance. I wouldn't be too offended if she decides to go...she's still your friend, right? Wish her well, ask her to bring back souvenirs, and tell her you'll see her when she gets home!

emilyinchile · April 2010

Baystate's got it right. Uneven sides are fine, but replacement BMs are not - it essentially tells the original girl that she's replaceable, and the back-up knows she was your second choice. Not exactly a way to honor anyone.

Knowing in May gives you plenty of time to adjust things like number of bouquets, her meal, etc.

suz62984 · April 2010

Don't replace her. She will know she has been replaced and the replacement will feel like...well...a replacement. She will know she is a replacement and will be insulted.

stina93446 · April 2010

Don't replace her. Even if she does go, no need. Just put her in the program as honorary bridesmaid. Replacing her will make her sad if she finds out, which I'm sure she will since she will probably see your photos, and the replacement will feel like a, well, replacement. Second string. Not good enough to be asked at first. Sides don't have to be even.

Mrs.B6302007 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-ditching?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:85a0664b-6048-422c-881b-ca3969cc2277Post:0b285db3-809e-423c-8071-32743b08fafb">Bridesmaid is ditching me!</a>:
[QUOTE]Hey! I'm having a dilemma with one of my bridesmaids. She informed me last week that she's thinking of spending the summer in Italy. I think it sounds great and fun and I would love to as well! We are getting married on July 31st, and she'll be gone the time of the wedding. My fiancee is not happy with her right now because he thinks this is her being a flake and backing out on commitments. I agree with him a little, but I also think both things are once in a life time things. However, she told me that she won't be able to tell me if she's going for sure until the end of May. (2 months before the wedding) My question is, Do I wait it out till May and then try and find someone to replace her? Do I tell her now that I need to know what she's doing so I can plan accordingly? I'm really confused about this! Thanks for your help! :)
Posted by panda10[/QUOTE]

Don't replace her. There's no real planning you need to do regarding her attendance. I mean she'll either be there or she won't so I wouldn't try to get an answer from her right now. You'll still have 2 months to wrap up any lose ends like her BP gift or other little things that come with it.

jagore08 · April 2010

Don't replace her. Don't replace her. Don't replace her.

No matter how many times this is said, someone will come on here this afternoon and ask about replacing a BM. It's rude, mostly to the the person you're asking to step in to be the "replacement". How much of an honor is it to be a "replacement"?

CTGirl30 · April 2010

I'm sure you've gotten the message by now - don't replace her!

2 months' notice is plenty of time to alert venders such as the florist that you'd need one less bouquet, the irstylist there'll be one less girl to style that day, etc....I'm sure you;ll miss her and she'll miss you if she goes, but this is definately a once in a lifetime opportunity, it sounds like. So just be supportive and you can certainly still list her in the program as your BM even if she can't be present physically.

jenn.daniel · April 2010

As everyone has said, do not replace her. My matron of honor may have to be out of the country for grad school research, and she doesn't know when she'll find out exactly when she'll be gone (depends on grants). I would never replace her. Of course I really want her to be there with me, but if not then I will not have a matron of honor standing with me. In my mind, she will be my matron of honor whether or not she is physically present at the wedding.

dea_f · April 2010

First, as long as she's giving you tons of notice, I wouldn't be offended or worried about whether she will show up in terms of planning. As others have said, there's plenty of time to change anything that might need to be changed. In terms of the importance of a trip to Italy, I suppose only you can determine whether this is a hint to her TRUE feelings about you or if this is genuinely an amazing opportunity and she would be there in a heartbeat if this wasn't such a big deal. Personally, I don't think a regular vacation is enough of a reason to drop out of a VERY close friends wedding unless it was planned before the wedding day was set or it's some super special situation (ie. they won a trip that only happens during this time, etc). Sometimes we simply feel closer to someone than they feel to us or our relationship is viewed differently by them than us. It's sad, especially in situations like this, but it happens regularly.

I have disagree with the "do not replace because people will be upset" rule around here. I replaced three of my BMs and #1. everyone expected me to do so, even asked who I was going to replace them with and offered potential replacements in my husband's family and #2 no one was hurt or offended. I still have great relationships with 5 out of the six girls - the two that I replaced and the three "replacements" if you'd like to put it that way (the sixth girl and I got into an argument and she stepped down, so us not having a good relationship doesn't have anything to do with replacing her). I'm not saying replace just for the sake of replacing, but if you capped the number of BMs (for financial reasons, for example) and there were others that you wished you could've also included, then I'd say first judge your own situation to see if the people involved would be sensitive to this or if the meaning would be lost in the honour (this is true for only certain people- like a friend who got you together, for example). As long as the other girl is also close to you and perhaps not part of a group of friends that you selected from, then I don't see a problem with it.

Mrs.B6302007 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-ditching?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:85a0664b-6048-422c-881b-ca3969cc2277Post:4adebbfb-ead7-4fb0-a8fc-d1153cc79b8e">Re: Bridesmaid is ditching me!</a>:
[QUOTE]First, as long as she's giving you tons of notice, I wouldn't be offended or worried about whether she will show up in terms of planning. As others have said, there's plenty of time to change anything that might need to be changed. In terms of the importance of a trip to Italy, I suppose only you can determine whether this is a hint to her TRUE feelings about you or if this is genuinely an amazing opportunity and she would be there in a heartbeat if this wasn't such a big deal. Personally, I don't think a regular vacation is enough of a reason to drop out of a VERY close friends wedding unless it was planned before the wedding day was set or it's some super special situation (ie. they won a trip that only happens during this time, etc). Sometimes we simply feel closer to someone than they feel to us or our relationship is viewed differently by them than us. It's sad, especially in situations like this, but it happens regularly. I have disagree with the "do not replace because people will be upset" rule around here. I replaced three of my BMs and #1. everyone expected me to do so, even asked who I was going to replace them with and offered potential replacements in my husband's family and #2 no one was hurt or offended. I still have great relationships with 5 out of the six girls - the two that I replaced and the three "replacements" if you'd like to put it that way (the sixth girl and I got into an argument and she stepped down, so us not having a good relationship doesn't have anything to do with replacing her). I'm not saying replace just for the sake of replacing, but if you capped the number of BMs (for financial reasons, for example) and there were others that you wished you could've also included, then I'd say first judge your own situation to see if the people involved would be sensitive to this or if the meaning would be lost in the honour (this is true for only certain people- like a friend who got you together, for example). As long as the other girl is also close to you and perhaps not part of a group of friends that you selected from, then I don't see a problem with it.
Posted by dea_f[/QUOTE]
You replaced 3 BMs?

emilyinchile · April 2010

I don't think I have the energy to get into it with Dea. But I am tempted to ask whether the fight with the 6th BM was over how rude it was to have replaced half of the freaking bridal party...

CA2MT4EveR · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-ditching?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:85a0664b-6048-422c-881b-ca3969cc2277Post:0b285db3-809e-423c-8071-32743b08fafb">Bridesmaid is ditching me!</a>:
[QUOTE]Hey! I'm having a dilemma with one of my bridesmaids. She informed me last week that she's thinking of spending the summer in Italy. I think it sounds great and fun and I would love to as well! We are getting married on July 31st, and she'll be gone the time of the wedding. My fiance<u><em><strong>e</strong></em></u><strong>(one e, 2 is for girls)</strong> is not happy with her right now because he thinks this is her being a flake and backing out on commitments. I agree with him a little, <strong>but I also think both things are once in a life time things</strong>. However, she told me that she won't be able to tell me if she's going for sure until the end of May. (2 months before the wedding) My question is, Do I wait it out till May and then try and find someone to replace her? Do I tell her now that I need to know what she's doing so I can plan accordingly? I'm really confused about this! Thanks for your help! :)
Posted by panda10[/QUOTE]

For you, your wedding is a once in a lifetime event. Yes, it is special and is to be shared with those who are most special to you (Your friend). But your wedding will never be as special to anyone else as it is to you and your FI.

I would tend to side with your friend in taking a truly once in a lifetime trip. I don't think you need to plan much accordingly, if she already purchased her dress, that is a loss she needs to take. As far as gifts go, you can still give it to her. Your sides don't need to be even, you should not replace her. No one will notice, the day will go on, and you can rekindle your friendship with pictures from your wedding and pictures from her trip when she gets back.

Mrs.B6302007 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-ditching?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:85a0664b-6048-422c-881b-ca3969cc2277Post:6be3bf96-4e53-449a-b02e-47be8874c4d4">Re: Bridesmaid is ditching me!</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think I have the energy to get into it with Dea. But I am tempted to ask whether the fight with the 6th BM was over how rude it was to have replaced half of the freaking bridal party...
Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]
Get outta my head!

CTGirl30 · April 2010

Wow, 3 people left your bridal party? Which means you either kicked them out or they took themselves out of it....either way....doesn't make it "right" to move people around like props in a play.

MyNameIsNot · April 2010

You never replace BMs. That's a horrible thing to do. You realize that this is a once in a lifetime opportunity for her, and you tell her that you'll be thrilled with whatever she decides to do. Calling her a flake for this is just ridiculous. She's giving you plenty of notice, and it's not like she's backing out of something you need her to do.

You tell your florist that you won't know for sure how many bouquets you need until May, you wait until May to print your programs, and you're done. If she's here, she'll be a BM. If she's not, she'll be an honorary BM.

Her dress is her problem, and she can wait until she makes a decision to figure out what to do. If she's here, she'll probably have to rush order it, and she can take care of that.

lbjveale · April 2010

I think the decision to replace her is solely yours. I think it depends on a couple of factors: how good of a friend is she, did you want her there in the first place or was she invited because you felt obligated, and do you have someone you want to be in the wedding who wasn't initially asked?

I can say for myself when I had a bridesmaid drop out (not only as a bridesmaid but as a friend too) I was obviously very hurt. I had asked her because we had been friends for years even though more recently we had grown apart. I felt like I had to invite her. So in answering my second question, I would say I didn't necessarily have to have her there but I felt obligated so I invited her. And in answering the last question I have a couple people I would like to be in the wedding. I don't honesty care if she knows someone else has filled her spot because she is the one who chose to back out for many reasons. And I don't think the people I would ask would be offended in any way. I think they would be happy that I asked, not offended that I asked later than I asked others.

Good luck in making your decision. Just remember that the decision you make should be what makes you and your groom happiest on your day. Obviously you can take others feelings into account, but ultimately do what makes you feel best.

artemis82 · April 2010

First of all, judging me without any details on the situation is just plain ignorant and I take serious offence to it. Wow you guys are ridiculously judgemental. Second of all, I didn't treat any of my friends badly. They told me later that THEY were the ones who had acted inappropriately. I didn't get into the details because it wasn't the point of the post and I didn't want to hijack the post. My point is that people do not always think that it is wrong to ask someone else after someone has stepped down as bridesmaid. I don't want to go into details because I am not hijacking this post, but to put it quickly they all stepped down for different reasons. I didn't kick them out. I am not advocating that other people replace BMs every time, I was only saying that if there are people you couldn't ask for cetain reasons, that it may work for your situation to ask someone else if you choose. I really wonder why I bother sometimes. I really do.

artemis82 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-ditching?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:85a0664b-6048-422c-881b-ca3969cc2277Post:5f798be3-72fc-4eb1-a31d-4f0341950fad">Re: Bridesmaid is ditching me!</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm slightly concerned about the hostility in the certainty that one should not replace bridesmaids. If you only have 1,2,3 BM and they all can't do it for some reason you are suppose to go up there alone?? Certainly you can't agree to that. I am not saying in all circumstances they should be replaced but the focus should be on the union between the bride and groom! We replaced a groomsmen, because a family commitment came up and we asked our usher, a family member to step up. I know that nobody's feelings were hurt, then again men are a lot less likely to be upset about such things. I think each case is specific, you can't make a general no replacement rule. I fully expect to be attacked but the focus should be on what works for the individual couples.
Posted by Elsea123[/QUOTE]

Beatuifully put. That is my biggest problem with the Knot- they live by these ridiculous rules and judge people very harshly based on them. Advice should never be one size fits all and should never be given with a chip on one's shoulder. I hope this makes the OP feel a little better about the decision before them. I'm not saying be calous and cruel in your handling of the situation and we must respect others sensitivities to this sort of thing, but don't feel guilty if you choose to ask someone else, believing that it is the right choice for your situation. If you have thought long and hard about it and taken people's feelings into consideration, then there is no reason to feel bad. The thing I find hilarious about the advise here is that on the one hand, they make the BMs job so trivial- "just show up, smile and be good at the altar" and then they make it some heinous crime to ask another BM. Is it an important role or isn't it????

MyNameIsNot · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-ditching?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:85a0664b-6048-422c-881b-ca3969cc2277Post:0547f15d-b9ce-4b74-9e9c-34d832240bcc">Re: Bridesmaid is ditching me!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid is ditching me! : Beatuifully put. That is my biggest problem with the Knot- they live by these ridiculous rules and judge people very harshly based on them. Advice should never be one size fits all and should never be given with a chip on one's shoulder. I hope this makes the OP feel a little better about the decision before them. I'm not saying be calous and cruel in your handling of the situation and we must respect others sensitivities to this sort of thing, but don't feel guilty if you choose to ask someone else, believing that it is the right choice for your situation. If you have thought long and hard about it and taken peopel's feelings into consideration, then there is no reason to feel bad.
Posted by 9135651983885378[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I know.. expecting people to treat their friends with decency and respect is ridiculous! What kind of world must you live in to think that's possible!</div><div>
</div><div>Seriously, if you wanted the other person, you would have asked them in the first place. Being second best will hurt their feelings. This issue is whether or not you care, and sadly, many people just don't. They see their WP as props, not as people. Sad.

</div>

artemis82 · April 2010

So if I have 15 people that I am close to, I'm going to put them ALL in my bridal party??? It doesn't mean I'm not close to them if I don't ask, but perhaps I HAD to make a choice because I can't afford to have them all in my bridal party.

Just because I'm close to someone doesn't mean that I can have an unlimited number of people in my bridal party. Beliving that this is such a horrible thing and is treating a friend badly, then ripping people apart as if they are hell on earth is what is ridiculous. It obviously wasn't important enough to the person who stepped down to make accomodations to be there (" A wedding is not as important to your friends as it is to you", "your friends lives don't stop just because you're getting married"- The Knottie Bible. I know, there are very serious situations out there and I'm not referring to those) so why would they be that concerned? The person who is then asked may see that their friend needs them and is asking for their help, not seeing it as "they love that person more than me". If I was asked to step up after someone I know is the bride's absolute best friend steps down, I would be honoured and not hurt. I already know that person IS closer to the bride and it is an accepted fact. It is when someone realises for the first time that they are not as close to the bride as they thought that this may be a hurtful move. There are certainly times when this could hurt someone, I'm not denying that. Again, I don't advocate doing it in every situation

MyNameIsNot · April 2010

In all that text, I still don't see any reason why it would ever be ok to treat a human being like a prop. Ever.

Again, if they were close enough to be in your WP, you would have asked them in the first place.

artemis82 · April 2010

That isn't true- we can't necessarily ask everyone that we would like to be in our wedding party. This is an unfair, unrealistic assumption that you are making.

MyNameIsNot · April 2010

No, it's not. People exclude people because they want even numbers or a perfect number. Again, treating people like props.

Say you have 15 close friends. Obviously, you are closer to some than others. The correct thing to do would be to ask those you are closest to. You always have an inner circle and a larger group. That's just the dynamics of friendships. The problem comes in when you say "Ok, 6 is the perfect number, I'm going to ask 6." Then the 7th girl becomes your alternate. This is treating people like props, and it's wrong.

Look, if you are ok with treating people that way, that's your business. I couldn't sleep at night if I behaved that way, but if you can justify it to yourself, that's your business.

artemis82 · April 2010

As usual, make people feel like crap because they have to make difficult decisions in wedding planning. That is the Knottie way - Bride's are evil, self serving wenches who deserve to be burned at the stake. I sleep fine not because I am a calous witch who doesn't care about her friends and treated them like props. I sleep fine because my friends didn't see what I did as wrong and love me enough to realise that I still needed people with me that day and even though they couldn't be there. They wanted me to have someone who could be there. Those who stepped in loved me and my husband enough to want to help and were happy that we'd thought of them and cared about them enough to go to them for help.

MyNameIsNot · April 2010

Exactly. Shoot the messenger.

If you know you're doing something wrong, rather than own up to your mistakes, call the person pointing it out names.

banana468 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-ditching?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:85a0664b-6048-422c-881b-ca3969cc2277Post:d3c2be53-593a-4c5a-8f1f-6b65efe239e9">Re: Bridesmaid is ditching me!</a>:
[QUOTE]As usual, make people feel like crap because they have to make difficult decisions in wedding planning. That is the Knottie way - Bride's are evil, self serving wenches who deserve to be burned at the stake. I sleep fine not because I am a calous witch who doesn't care about her friends and treated them like props. I sleep fine because my friends didn't see what I did as wrong and love me enough to realise that I still needed people with me that day and even though they couldn't be there. They wanted me to have someone who could be there. Those who stepped in loved me and my husband enough to want to help and were happy that we'd thought of them and cared about them enough to go to them for help.
Posted by 9135651983885378[/QUOTE]

As the MOD of the board, I take a HUGE offense to what you're saying.

BMs aren't and never were props. If someone wasn't good enough to be a BM before, why add now? It's not nice to the person who is no longer a BM or to the replacement.

And categorizing advice that's based on treating people well as bad just makes me wonder what kind of person disagrees with that. How can you honestly be against treating your friends well??

artemis82 · April 2010

That statement, Banana, assumes that replacing a bridesmaid is not treating a friend well, which is exactly the debate I am trying to raise. I take offense to your insinuation that by trying to disuade The Knot from advocating this advice in every situation that I am not a person of reputable character. I do not believe it is wrong or treating them poorly in every situation. I do not disagree that in certain circumstances it is most definitely wrong. For example, when a bride kicks out a BM for not doing enough and then replaces them with someone they think will be better suited to the "duties" of a BM... I agree that that is wrong.

aerinpegadrak · April 2010

But see, I think you're flat out, 100% wrong that sometimes it's okay to replace a bridesmaid. It's not. Ever. It tells the original girl that she's replaceable, even if she stepped down for her own unrelated reasons. It tells the replacement that she wasn't good enough to make the first cut, but now that there's an opening, she can be in. And it tells the other bridesmaids, and pretty much anyone else the bride knows, that the bride sees her friends as props in her pretty wedding pictures rather than people she wants to honor.

So if, as one poster posited, you ask three people and all of them bow out, then yes, you stand up there alone. If you're going to ask random people to be in your wedding just for the sake of having someone up there with you, you might as well just hire people off Craigslist. It completely strips the role of any sort of honor or dignity.

Bridesmaid is ditching me!

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