Invitations: Come to dance, but don't show up for dinner...

LaceyMK · February 2010

Hello Knotties-

I want to invite some of my friends from my marathon team and a few aquaintences that I hope become friends to celebrate with us, however, all available seats for dinner have been given to our HUGE families.

How can I politely invite these people to the dance without inviting them to dinner?

FYI
Ceremony - 5:30 PM
Dinner - 6:30 PM
First dance - 8:00 PM

opalsky007 · February 2010

You can't. There's no way to politely say, "I'm sorry, but you're a second string guest."

betrothed123 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invitations-come-dance-but-dont-show-up-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f90983e1-d540-4f70-8320-52d46607c55bPost:3a756741-b170-4850-a6f2-deb018732452">Invitations: Come to dance, but don't show up for dinner...</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello Knotties- I want to invite some of my friends from my marathon team and a few aquaintences that I hope become friends to celebrate with us, however, all available seats for dinner have been given to our HUGE families. How can I politely invite these people to the dance without inviting them to dinner? FYI Ceremony - 5:30 PM Dinner - 6:30 PM First dance - 8:00 PM
Posted by LaceyMK[/QUOTE]
The reasons you're having trouble coming up with a polite way to say it is that it's a very rude thing to do. Tiered guest lists make people feel like crap. Either invite them to the whole thing or don't invite them at all.

sarabellam · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invitations-come-dance-but-dont-show-up-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f90983e1-d540-4f70-8320-52d46607c55bPost:3a756741-b170-4850-a6f2-deb018732452">Invitations: Come to dance, but don't show up for dinner...</a>:
[QUOTE]can I politely invite these people to the dance without inviting them to dinner? FYI Ceremony - 5:30 PM Dinner - 6:30 PM First dance - 8:00 PM
Posted by LaceyMK[/QUOTE]
You cannot politely ask this. It is incredibly rude.

danieliza1127 · February 2010

The others are right, it's generally poor etiquette to invite someone to the reception after dinner. The reception is one event, dinner and dancing. It's not two separate things. If you can't afford to invite them to the whole thing, it's best not to invite them at all. Maybe you can all get together for drinks after you and your FI get back from your honeymoon.

BecW2be · February 2010

Are they invited to the ceremony? This is the most bizarrely rude thing I've ever seen...

Brie2010 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invitations-come-dance-but-dont-show-up-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f90983e1-d540-4f70-8320-52d46607c55bPost:3a756741-b170-4850-a6f2-deb018732452">Invitations: Come to dance, but don't show up for dinner...</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello Knotties- I want to invite some of my friends from my marathon team and a few aquaintences that I hope become friends to celebrate with us, however, all available seats for dinner have been given to our HUGE families. How can I politely invite these people to the dance without inviting them to dinner? FYI Ceremony - 5:30 PM Dinner - 6:30 PM First dance - 8:00 PM
Posted by LaceyMK[/QUOTE]

You can't do that. How would you feel showing up to a reception while everyone else is finishing up their dinner? Rude, rude, rude.

goheels05 · February 2010

No.

MyNameIsNot · February 2010

There's no polite way to do a rude thing.

shellydiane820 · February 2010

That's not cool.

kate51485 · February 2010

a few aquaintences that I hope become friends

They won't be your friends if you do this.

pumpkinpumpkin · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invitations-come-dance-but-dont-show-up-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f90983e1-d540-4f70-8320-52d46607c55bPost:3a756741-b170-4850-a6f2-deb018732452">Invitations: Come to dance, but don't show up for dinner...</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello Knotties- I want to invite some of my friends from my marathon team and a few aquaintences that I hope become friends to celebrate with us, however, all available seats for dinner have been given to our HUGE families. How can I politely invite these people to the dance without inviting them to dinner? FYI Ceremony - 5:30 PM Dinner - 6:30 PM First dance - 8:00 PM
Posted by LaceyMK[/QUOTE]

Please, please, please don't do this. It is BEYOND insulting as a guest to receive an invite that's missing the dinner portion. It's quite common in my area, and to be completely and utterly honest, I would rather not be invited. H and I don't go to weddings when we're not invited to dinner. It's rude and gift grabby. And there isn't a better way to tell someone they're a friend, but just not that good a friend.

carrieoz_76 · February 2010

Sometimes I think people just don't think about the message they're sending with ideas like this. The message here is that these friends are important enough to party with, but not to eat with and watch you get married. Don't send that message. To anyone.

scoetto · February 2010

Yeah, you can't really do that. Well, you CAN do what you want, but it's very rude to do so. I like PPs suggestion of doing drinks after the event to celebrate. (Not at an after party either, if you are having one. Do drinks at a later date.)

FutureMrsTR · February 2010

I agree that going out with them at a separate time is the best option. It is really rude and inconsiderate to only invite them to dance. It will make them feel like second rate guests (which is exactly what they would be).

ohwhynot · February 2010

My sister is trying to convince me to extend these kind of invitations to my adult nephews & nieces. She argues that younger people really don't care, that they're all about the drinking & dancing anyway, and just want to get invited for the party.

Fi also asked me if this was okay to do with regard to some of his friendly acquaintances in the music world.

Neither of these people were raised by wolves, so I just don't get it.

jed15 · February 2010

Can you wait until you get some RSVPs back and then send out the rest of the invitations for your friends 2 weeks later? That way, you'll have a better idea of the number of guests coming, and if you will have enough room for them too. IMHO, I think it is really tacky to not invite them to dinner, and I probably would not go.

Clare13 · February 2010

I once was that guest. We received a formal invite for just the dance and was told it was a small intimate ceremony and dinner. As we walked in we found out the intimate ceremony was for over 200 people and we had multiple guests ask us why we were late. Needless to say, we stayed for about 20 minutes and have not talked to the bride and groom again. My only regret is that I didn't take the present off the gift table as we left!!! If they are not important enough to be invited to the ceremony and dinner they do not belong coming. It is very rude and will ruin any friendship you have with these people.

britne28 · February 2010

If you want these people to become your friends have a social gathering at your house. A potluck or something. The fastest way not to make them your friends is to do something as rude as you are suggesting.

mocha beans · February 2010

I've been the subject of you proposed idea, twice, and it sucks. Both were once very good friends of mine, and granted we were starting to drift apart in our lives and friendships, but that was the gust of wind that pushed me way too far away. I haven't really spoken to either one of them since.

Don't do this, at all. You don't need to have everyone and anyone at your reception.

CCBelle · February 2010

You're kidding, right?

*BeachBride0410* · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invitations-come-dance-but-dont-show-up-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:f90983e1-d540-4f70-8320-52d46607c55bPost:3a756741-b170-4850-a6f2-deb018732452">Invitations: Come to dance, but don't show up for dinner...</a>:
[QUOTE]Hello Knotties- I want to invite some of my friends from my marathon team and a <strong>few aquaintences that I hope become friends to celebrate with us,</strong> however, all available seats for dinner have been given to our HUGE families. How can I politely invite these people to the dance without inviting them to dinner? FYI Ceremony - 5:30 PM Dinner - 6:30 PM First dance - 8:00 PM
Posted by LaceyMK[/QUOTE]

Anybody else find this odd??? Its a wedding, not a party or a popularity contest.

danieliza1127 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invitations-come-dance-but-dont-show-up-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f90983e1-d540-4f70-8320-52d46607c55bPost:49b2d24f-be3a-45ce-b621-ef78514b1f8d">Re: Invitations: Come to dance, but don't show up for dinner...</a>:
[QUOTE] we had multiple guests ask us why we were late.
Posted by Clare13[/QUOTE]

That's a really good point. The rest of your guests will assume these people are incredibly rude by showing up that late. Also, how would you have seats for them?

squirrly · February 2010

Not-such-good-friends: Bring us a gift, but please starve and then never speak to us again.

Is that what you meant to say? It's kinda how your headline translates to me.

Really though - this is a bad idea and you WILL upset people.

mandybear7 · February 2010

This is so weird. I could never imagine considering this in a billion years.

Why would you even want to invite (and insult) people that you aren't friends with?

betrothed123 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invitations-come-dance-but-dont-show-up-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f90983e1-d540-4f70-8320-52d46607c55bPost:d5c9ac17-3e1d-4b16-a11e-5206d426070b">Re: Invitations: Come to dance, but don't show up for dinner...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Invitations: Come to dance, but don't show up for dinner... : Anybody else find this odd??? Its a wedding, not a party or a popularity contest.
Posted by *BeachBride0410*[/QUOTE]
Nah, I paid bums and prostitutes to attend my wedding. I mean I'm such a miserable bitch no one wanted to attend. I had to fill seats somehow.

AutumnFair · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_invitations-come-dance-but-dont-show-up-dinner?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:f90983e1-d540-4f70-8320-52d46607c55bPost:49b2d24f-be3a-45ce-b621-ef78514b1f8d">Re: Invitations: Come to dance, but don't show up for dinner...</a>:
[QUOTE]<span style="font-weight:bold;" class="Apple-style-span">I once was that guest. We received a formal invite for just the dance and was told it was a small intimate ceremony and dinner. As we walked in we found out the intimate ceremony was for over 200 people and we had multiple guests ask us why we were late. Needless to say, we stayed for about 20 minutes and have not talked to the bride and groom again. My only regret is that I didn't take the present off the gift table as we left!!! If they are not important enough to be invited to the ceremony and dinner they do not belong coming. It is very rude and will ruin any friendship you have with these people.
Posted by Clare13</span>[/QUOTE]

<div>My parents also experienced this and by far rudest thing to do to a guest. Luckily for them they came earlier than the time on the paper that was posted on the Fire Department board so they got lucky because it was buffet and were coming in on the last tables going up. Moral of Clare story, <span style="font-weight:bold;" class="Apple-style-span">please do not do this.</span> If you can't afford to feed them, don't bother inviting them. It looks to be the biggest gift grabby mind set even if that isn't your intention. </div>

noelle24 · February 2010

Please don't do this. It is unspeakably rude. Doing this sends the message to your guests that they aren't good enough to see you get married or eat with you, but they are good enough to buy you a gift.

As Nancy Reagan would say, "Just Say No (to tiered invites) kids"

jinxed8605 · February 2010

It's either all or nothing, like PPs said. It is terribly rude otherwise.

squirrly · February 2010

jinxed - that's 2 tickers too many.

Pirata13 · February 2010

Go with a get-together at a later time with those people. Terribly rude to invite them just for dancing.

FI & I have a few acquaintances who we cannot invite to the wedding. Several of them are people I am friends with on a baseball blog group that meets in person every month or 2. We booked 40 tickets for a baseball game the weekend after the wedding and having a fun day at the ballpark. We are paying for all of the tickets. We are not marketing it as a wedding celebration, just that we want to have a relaxing fun day at the ballpark with friends after all the hoopla.

Invitations: Come to dance, but don't show up for dinner...

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