Parents offered to "help". Is it rude to ask how much?

Re: Parents offered to "help". Is it rude to ask how much?

• NOLABridesmaid member

  

  May 2011 edited December 2011

  Y'all need to have this convo with your parents. Things don't have to be Even Steven. They will give what they are able to give. It doesn't matter IMO if one set of parents gives an amount that's larger or smaller than the other set of parents.
  
  It sounds like his parents have money, and maybe Even Steven is  what the rich do. I'm not rich, so I wouldn't know.

  

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• kmmssg mod

  

  May 2011 edited December 2011

  When DD #3 was engaged and we were planning, her FIL's stated they wanted to help with the wedding.  We had no idea how to go forward planning because we didn't know what that meant.  She talked to her FI and had him chat with his parents.  The kids needed to know what kind of help was being offered.
  
  Asking for help with the wedding is one thing, but when it is offered it is very important to know exactly what that help is and to be grateful for anything that is offered.
  
  Turns out DD's FIL's wanted to cover about 1/3 of the wedding costs - that's huge!  Since they have offered, each of you can go to your parents and ask them what they are thinking because the two of you need to set your budget so you can plan.  There is nothing wrong with that.

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• suzygreenberg

  

  May 2011 edited December 2011

  Okay, I didn't think it needed to be "even steven" either...that was a new concept to me. I think we just need to sit down, ask for an amount to make the budget, and be grateful for whatever amount it may be! Thanks for the help!

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• 4LeafClover3

  

  May 2011 edited December 2011

  It really doesn't need to be even contributions because you're right, it can put your parents in an awkward position. But you do need to ask what exactly they would like to help contribute towards. Maybe they want to pay for the DJ or they might have a specific dollar amount in mind that they want to give you. But you do have to have a conversation with them so you know exactly what everyone is contributing. You do not need to mention how much his parents are willing to give and you certainly don't need to tell his parents how much your parents are contributing. That way they feel good in knowing they helped you out and you appreciate any and all that they give you. You don't want your mom and dad feeling bad because they can't give as much as his parents. And honestly, it isn't his families business. It is between you, your fiance, and your parents. I would make sure your fiance is aware of that too.

  

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• *Barbie* member

  

  May 2011 edited December 2011

  tell them you appreciate their generousity and ask them how they would like to contribute (were you thinking a dollar amount or paying for a specific vendor, etc.)
  
  paying for anything is a gift to you - so let them dictate what they want to do.
  
  also, be prepared to pay for everything yourselves in case promised money falls through. there are a lot of people who complain and say that "my parents said they would give us $10K, but then ____ came up and now they can't give us anything/a small % of what was offered"
  
  only count on money you have in hand.
  
  one more thing - remember whoever pays has a say in how their money is spent. if people are contributing ("I'll pay for the flowers" ) - you do not get the right to complain if what they want to pay for is different that what you want them to pay for.

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• 6fsn member

  

  May 2011 edited December 2011

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_parents-offered-rude-ask-much?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:85fcaec9-58e0-43a0-99d8-fac3d7b22828Post:5935d904-deea-4f9c-82c5-cecc895e087b">Re: Parents offered to "help". Is it rude to ask how much?</a>:
  [QUOTE]tell them you appreciate their generousity and ask them how they would like to contribute (were you thinking a dollar amount or paying for a specific vendor, etc.) paying for anything is a gift to you - so let them dictate what they want to do. also, be prepared to pay for everything yourselves in case promised money falls through. there are a lot of people who complain and say that "my parents said they would give us $10K, but then ____ came up and now they can't give us anything/a small % of what was offered" only count on money you have in hand. one more thing - remember whoever pays has a say in how their money is spent. if people are contributing ("I'll pay for the flowers" ) - you do not get the right to complain if what they want to pay for is different that what you want them to pay for.
  Posted by *Barbie*[/QUOTE]
  
  100% agreed with this.  I just wouldn't have been able to say it so well.

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• em01092 member

  

  May 2011 edited December 2011

  Ask them what they are comfy contributing individually of each other. One amount may work for one set, but not the other. Or one set may want to pay for something in particular. Maybe they can get you a deal through a friend with John Smith Photography, or maybe your parents have an aversion to alcohol and do not want their funds going towards it (my situation exactly, so FILs are paying for an open bar). 

  
  

  I know FILs would cry if they knew how much my grandma gave us. They are lovely people, just not as well off, and I appreciate all they are graciously doing, but they would feel so incompetent to know they are contributing less than 1/10 of what my grandma forked out. By no means am I ungrateful, I just want to spare their feelings. I don't think they will ask, but if they do, I will not tell them. 

  April Siggy Challenge-Wedding Escape: Reading HG/dreaming about Peeta.... Bio-Updated 4/22**

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• mm4662

  

  May 2011 edited December 2011

  One of the first things my parents did with us was let us know how much they could help us with. I was uncomfortable asking and they knew that.
  
  It might be uncomfortable at first but at least it is out in the open.
  
  Don't worry about Even Steven. My parents are paying for WAYYYY MORE than T's parents. They offered to pay for the flowers and RD.

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