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my 3rd marriage, his 2nd~registry and showers? what is proper??

htmorgan2010htmorgan2010 member
First Comment
in Second Weddings
Hello everyone! This is my first time posting and I am so glad I found this group. I have read many posts and feel like I am in a very similar situation. My fiance and I have both been married before, but this is THE first time either one of us have been in love.

We plan on having a small candlelite fall 2011 wedding at a small old chapel here in town. I can see it all in my head...LOL!!

My question is this...is it proper to have showers and/or to register? I am a full time college student and he works full time supporting me and the 4 kiddos I have from a previous marriage. We don't have much to speak of when it come to household items and it would be nice to have something that began with "us" instead of was divided in our divorces, you know what I mean?

I hope I don't sound petty, but I really need to know how others feel about this. Any advice? suggestions?

thanks in advance!
Holly
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Re: my 3rd marriage, his 2nd~registry and showers? what is proper??

  • deepcovejackiedeepcovejackie
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Hi Holly!  That's my daughter's name!  We're not registering or anything.  I 'm kind of hoping no showers either.  It's both of our second marriages.   We have all the stuff we need.  I'm thinking if you need "your own" stuff, maybe do a small registry.  We're asking for "no gifts".  If folks really want to do something, there's a couple of charities in the small town in Mexico we call home.  One is the school system, and one is the turtle rescue organization in town.  Good luck with planning!
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  • adrianzbrideadrianzbride member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Many people register even if it's not their first marriage.  People will want to buy you gifts and a registry is a help to them.  The main thing is just not to tell people unless they ask and not to expect anything.  I always appreciate when people have a registry and I enjoy getting them something they want and need.  I am planning to register.  This will be my second and my FI's first wedding.
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  • adrianzbrideadrianzbride member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I forgot about the shower part of the question.  I think if someone really wants to have a shower for you, then you should accept, if you want to.  Of course you shouldn't bring it up (unless you're sure the person you're bringing it up with will want to do it for you and you have that kind of relationship).  I would like for us to have a couples shower, since it's my dh's first wedding and he's never had one, but I'm not sure how I'm going to approach that.  We'll see.
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  • Marrin713Marrin713 member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Our second as well - and I'm rethinking the registering/shower idea.  I need to stop the bastardization!  I have a lil bit o' this and he has a lil bit o' that of things from our old lives.  I'd like to have things that our uniquely ours.  We do have "our" things of course - I mean we haven't been together this long without.  But the basics that you just don't think about like towels, sheets. new comforter etc. - those things just fell into the category of "some day."  Well, Some Day is here dammit!  :)

    OP - as you wish - take no prisoners :)  Good luck in school!  What are you striving for?
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  • Sue-n-KevinSue-n-Kevin member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    Welcome Holly! Congrats on falling in love for the first time.

    My fiance & I have 2 homes, and lots of stuff, so we aren't registering or expecting any showers. I'm an only child, and I know none of my friends would consider throwing one. He has very nice & generous sisters-in-law, so it might come up. My response to them would be that if they want to throw a "personal" shower, that's fine. But I don't expect it.

    Your case is different, however. You are in school, have 4 kids, and a large mish-mash of "things" that probably don't represent a home-y feeling. If you want to register, then go ahead. If someone wants to throw you a shower, then fine. I'd wait until they offered though, and not drop hints.

    Good luck.
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  • Marrin713Marrin713 member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    <<a large mish-mash of "things" that probably don't represent a home-y feeling.>>

    This is what I was trying to say :)  Thanks Sue!
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  • MikesAngieMikesAngie member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    Welcome Holly and congratulations!!!  My FI and I know about being in love for the first time...even if the very first time we were in love with each other was when we were 15...

    Both of our divorces left us with little (greedy xspouses) and totally starting from scratch, so we are registering for items that we still need and haven't bought yet.  We're also registered at Honeyfund.com which will allow guests that wish to, to gift us a dinner out or a special couples treat on our honeymoon.  Nothing is mandatory, but for those that want give gifts we have options.

    If a shower is offered we'll gratefully accept, but it's not expected at this time.  We are both very fortunate, our combined families are excited and looking forward to our marriage.  Even though this isn't a first marriage for either of us, our families are behaving very much like it is.

    I hope this helps and again congratulations!!
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  • right1thistimeright1thistime member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Registering is a help to your guests who want to buy you a gift.  While its easy to assume that a young couple just starting out will need almost anything you buy them- people are challenged by what to buy an established couple who have been in homes for years.  They don't want to buy you a salad set when you have 4 (as I do) and what you really want is new sheets. 
    We registered, and if nothing else, it FORCED him to sit down with me and look at some things together (like sheets and towels).  It also provided a discount after the wedding to "complete" our household. 
    My advice is to tell a few trusted people (especially family) that you registered.  I told no one, and not very many people asked.  We got 6 lovely picture frames (my DH is a photographer), which we appreciated, and use, but weren't exactly what we needed. 
    And don't forget the legend of the chili pepper lamp.  A SW bride refused to register and one of her wedding gifts was a lamp shaped like a chili pepper for her decidedly NOT southwestern themed decor. 

    As far as a shower, if someone offers, and you would like it- its fine.  You just can't host or ask someone to host. ~Donna
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  • NJ JenNJ Jen member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I admit it, I'm still distracted by third time married, but first time in love, and that he is supporting you and your four children. 

    I am not registering as of now. Some people have asked us to, so we might change our minds. But frankly, with three kids, two jobs, and two households, it's not going to be easy and is therefore not likely. I also don't feel comfortable about it. We are adults and should be able to provide for our own household, and almost everyone at the wedding bought a wedding gift for us a couple of decades ago. Showers are completely not in my control. I don't feel any need for them whatsoever.

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  • rapunnzzllrapunnzzll
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Congrats and welcome Holly.  I agree with others.  A registry is nice for those that would like to buy you a gift and why not except it if someone wants to host a shower for you. 

    Not sure what we will end up doing at this point, but I do know that I have someone that insists on hosting a shower, so we might go the couples route or make it a really nice luncheon for the girls instead of a typical shower atmosphere.

    The bottom line is we all get to do what we want and have the weddings we want to and it doesn't matter if we were married before.
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  • htmorgan2010htmorgan2010 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Good Morning ladies! I hope everyone had a fabulous weekend! I know I did! I have never been so pampered and spoiled in my entire life!

    Thank you so much for all your advice. We decided to go ahead with a small registry, mainly a veryyy inexpensive china pattern and a few items we still need for the house. The china pattern I really wanted, so I have something to pass down from our marriage to my one and only daughter. I have one friend I am throwing a baby shower for that plans on returning the favor, but I think I will just ask for a very small couples shower with our closest friends.

    I would like to address one comment above that I really do not know how to take. I guess I should have possibly put more in my profile? I don't know...but I honestly really didn't know how to take this!

    "I admit it, I'm still distracted by third time married, but first time in love, and that he is supporting you and your four children."

    Yes, I have been  married twice before..once to my high school sweetheart that lasted about a year, and once to a very abusive ex husband now for 15 years, the father of my 4 kids. I love him, but not the kind of love that duane and I now share. I honestly never thought THIS kind of love truly existed.

    As far as him supporting my children? He doesnt' completely. I am a 2 year inflammatory breast cancer and invasive ductal carcinoma, stage IIIB, survivor. I have been deemed disabled due to severe complications from surgery (I have many broken ribs that give way at any time), so I get a small check for that. Instead of sitting on my butt and sponging off the govt, I am in school, studying for my BS in psychology to be a licenced chemical dependency counselor, something I can do without any fear of complicating my already complicated health.

    I am also the mother of two disabled children. I never once thought I would ever find anyone that would step in and be a father figure to my children, much less get married again! But, God has blessed me and I feel so lucky....I am beyond happy that my patience and waiting has finally paid off. He loves us and thinks nothing of helping us in any way! He is about the only 'father' my kids have ever had unfortuantely.

    I hope that explains any misconceptions anyone may have had. I look forward to many more posts on this board and didn't want any hard or uncomfortable feelings amongst myself and any posters. Feel free to ask me anything! I keep my life an open book, especially about my cancer.

    Happy Monday everyone!
     and thanks again for all the wonderful advice!!!
    Holly
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  • Sue-n-KevinSue-n-Kevin member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    So sorry to hear about the troubles you've had in your life. You've had your share, and I'm happy you have found a wonderful man to spend the rest of your years with. Congrats!
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  • adrianzbrideadrianzbride member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I agree with Sue, and I'm glad you had a great weekend!  Mine was, too.
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