My Father's partner won't come to the Wedding

deanandhayley · June 2010

I have just found out (2 months before my Wedding) that my dad's partner has some issue with me and has now decided she will not be coming to the Wedding.

She believes I should have asked her daughter to be one of my bridesmaids, as well as my two sisters, and feels hurt that I planned two Hen Parties, one for my mam to attend and one for her to be a part of, as they don't get on.

I have a feeling this will result in my dad not attending the Wedding either. I don't think I have done anything wrong and don't know what to do.

jagore08 · June 2010

You should have a sit down with your dad and his girlfriend and see if you can work this out. If she doesn't want to e a part of your wedding then you should let you father know that you want him there regardless. If he doesn't attend because of her he's being childish and there's nothing you can do about that. I'm sorry you're having to go through this.

emilyinchile · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fathers-partner-wont-come-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ff921856-921d-4bcb-95fc-f85e2fa43045Post:78cacf6c-064d-4f1a-ab5f-284bbdb82d08">My Father's partner won't come to the Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]I have just found out (2 months before my Wedding) that my dad's partner has some issue with me and has now decided she will not be coming to the Wedding. She believes I should have asked her daughter to be one of my bridesmaids, as well as my two sisters, and feels hurt that I planned two Hen Parties, one for my mam to attend and one for her to be a part of, as they don't get on. I have a feeling this will result in my dad not attending the Wedding either. I don't think I have done anything wrong and don't know what to do.
Posted by deanandhayley[/QUOTE]

In the US, it would have been wrong of you to plan your own bachelorette party since you don't throw parties honoring yourself - although between "hen party" and "mam" I'm thinking you may not be in the US, so I don't know if that's ok where you are.

In terms of not asking her daughter, no, you didn't do anything wrong. Although if this is going to mean your dad won't come to your wedding, you may want to try to be the bigger person and find a compromise.

AutumnFair · June 2010

Wow, what is she a 3 year old? Stomping her feet that her children are not in your wedding, sometime it really floors me when grown older adults do this. The two parties might have not been needed, adults need to realize that they need to at least be civil around one another (your mom should have sucked it up with her presence).

As for your dad, he basically has a choice, you or her. I would hope since you are his child that he would choose you over her tantrum that she is throwing. The only thing I can suggest is that if he says something to you about it, just tell him the truth. That you didn't mean to upset his partner, but that you really love him and hope that both of them will still attend. But also be firm about your decision about not making the girls apart of the WP (though, if there was any compromise you can have them be readers or ushers). Also is he walking you down the aisle? I find it hard to believe that any father would pass the chance to walk their daughter down the aisle.

Hopefully things will work out for you. It really burns me up when grown adults throw tantrums like this because their child isn't apart of a wedding.

deanandhayley · June 2010

Thank you for your messages. These are issues that I feel could have been brought up with me over a year ago when all the planning started. Im so hurt and upset about how my father and his partner have attacked me with this. Sending nasty text messages to me and even her daughter (who is 25) has started to send them. I have always treated my dad's partner and her children like they were part of my family and I feel stabbed in the back. Me and my partner are paying for our own Wedding and my Dad is not contributing at all and I never asked him to. He never even seemed interested in been involved when I asked him to be. How do I deal with them?

bablingbrooke · June 2010

"Dad, when you grow a pair, I hope to see you at the wedding." Okay that probably won't fly. But seriously, your dad's partner is being really ridiculous. Her daughter is twenty-freaking-five, she should know better than to try to ram her way into a wedding, and this gal should know better than to campaign for her daughter.

This is nothing more than a bluff by the partner to strong-arm you into adding her daughter as a BM. Don't budge. "Charlene, I'm so sorry you feel that way. I wish someone had told me earlier. If Darlene is upset with me, I'm always available for her and she can talk to me. I hope to see you there because you are a part of my family and it would break my heart not to see you." If Dad threatens not to come, just say, "Dad, I always dreamed you'd walk me down the aisle, and I hope that's how it happens. But if Charlene's anger is more important than that, I understand. You will be very missed, and I never thought I'd get married without you there. However, it is your decision." If he doesn't come after that, your dad's character has shone through. But I bet they both come.

mbcdefg · June 2010

Sending nasty text messages to me and even her daughter (who is 25) has started to send them.

If she's refusing to attend the wedding over you not asking her daughters to be BMs (which was not wrong of you), and is sending you nasty texts, then she just sounds like a very petty, immature drama queen.

I would just call her bluff and say, "Of course I want you to be at the wedding, but if you really feel uncomfortable attending then I understand. We'll miss you!" Then drop the subject. Because I'm sure that not only does she want you to back down and make her daughters BMs, but she wants the satisfaction of making you grovel and apologize to her and beg her to come to your wedding. Don't give her that satisfaction.

I am willing to bet that she attends anyway, if you call her bluff (hopefully your dad will tell her to cut the shiit and go to the wedding). And if not, shame on her. And if your dad chooses this immature a-h0le over his own daughter, then you're better off without him.

Sorry you have to deal with this. Don't beg them to attend, don't bargain, don't give in ... stand your ground, say, "This is the way it's going to be," and don't argue over it. I hope they grow up and attend and don't give you a problem.

AutumnFair · June 2010

Basically, if they have started sending nasty messages that calls for a personal meeting with your dad (no partner, no children). Sit down and hash out the problem, if his negativity is due to his partner's remarks you need to tell him that you had no intention on hurting partner's feelings but there was no contact made until now about the hurt feelings. It's up to you if you want to compromise with them on including the siblings in the wedding be it usher, reader, or musically (if any are musically). But if you are firm on not wanting to change you basically have to tell your dad that and say that you really hope that he (and the rest) will still attend and leave it in his corner.

Also deal with the nasty messages, that you will not accept the attacks being made by them and if they want to be apart of your future they need to stop. I find it hard to believe your dad cares about the children until his partner made a stink, so its up to him if we wants to lose a daughter because of the demands of his partner. Very crappy situation.

abbiewebster · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fathers-partner-wont-come-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ff921856-921d-4bcb-95fc-f85e2fa43045Post:e9555c20-8757-4805-9f05-177c7786a24f">Re: My Father's partner won't come to the Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to My Father's partner won't come to the Wedding : In the US, it would have been wrong of you to plan your own bachelorette party since you don't throw parties honoring yourself - although between "hen party" and "mam" I'm thinking you may not be in the US, so I don't know if that's ok where you are.
Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]

Im guessing op is english(may from oz or nz) and yeh its more than acceptable to plan your own hen nght, just making sure people realize and not assume shes breaking etiquette rules, :)

bablingbrooke · June 2010

Whether or not it was proper etiquette, I don't think it was a large enough crime to warrant her father's partner threatening not to go (and threatening his attendance). So let's not harp on that, shall we?

banana468 · June 2010

Ditto.

Dad's partner sounds like she's thrown a temper tantrum.

I'll ditto the, "I'm sorry you feel that way. We'll miss you and we do hope you'll reconsider."

If you didn't want her in the wedding, you don't need to have her.

And frankly, I'd be highly embarassed if I was a grown adult and I thought my mom was issuing ultimatums so I could get to be in the same dress as other people. Let the 25 yo fight her own battles!

abbiewebster · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fathers-partner-wont-come-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ff921856-921d-4bcb-95fc-f85e2fa43045Post:35a4f4fb-10dd-40cd-ad21-f635c5e0e9bd">Re: My Father's partner won't come to the Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Whether or not it was proper etiquette, I don't think it was a large enough crime to warrant her father's partner threatening not to go (and threatening his attendance). So let's not harp on that, shall we?
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

Is this in reference to my comment?

If so i wasnt saying its acceptable at all , i was just explaining thats its acceptable to plan ur own hen night where we are from, so she wouldnt get hailed for not having good manors as i know there are so many women on these boards that feel strongly about etiquette rules.

bablingbrooke · June 2010

No, to others who were talking about it.

emilyinchile · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_fathers-partner-wont-come-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ff921856-921d-4bcb-95fc-f85e2fa43045Post:9d3a8d0d-c6e1-4785-8141-c6790ac23409">Re: My Father's partner won't come to the Wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]No, to others who were talking about it.
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

That would be me then, no one else, and I don't know that one sentence constitutes harping. I wasn't meaning to suggest that the parties in any way justified the step-mom's behavior. But OP asked if she'd done "anything" wrong, and my answer was that if she's based in the US then planning her own parties was technically wrong, but since I got the impression she's foreign then even that wasn't wrong. I was also meaning to preempt other "you shouldn't have done that" posts by pointing out that she is probably in another culture.

Rereading my post, I don't sound very sympathetic, but I didn't mean to be harsh about it. I just think based on the OP that I would rather give in and make my step-sister part of my WP than have my dad miss my wedding. After the follow-up though, it sounds like her dad is being a 5 year old as well, so I'd probably stand my ground and hope that everyone else decided to grow up.

bablingbrooke · June 2010

Was it really just you? I guess I thought I saw it in some other posts, too.

emilyinchile · June 2010

Yup, just me unless someone else deleted a post. But like I said, rereading I see that my first post was kind of cold, and based on the additional info from OP, my advice has changed.

bablingbrooke · June 2010

Then I take back the word "harp."

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