Hello everyone. You may remember, a little over a week ago, I asked you ladies for advice about my husband replying to personal ads online. I took everyone's advice, and we started counseling, which seemed to go very well, and I was hopeful that we could get back to our loving relationship.
However, Saturday night/Sunday morning, something happened that has made me question his mental health, and I don't know what to do, since I cannot drag him to a doctor to get diagnosed, and he is very resistant to go, saying that what happened was due to my anger, and he was reacting appropriately. I disagree, but would like an outside opinion about what I could have done differently, and what you would do in this situation.
Saturday night, we stayed up late watching movies, and my husband was playing Halo on his X-box. It was around 3am when we finally went to bed, and there were no indicators of him being unhappy with me, or being angry at anything I had done. As a matter of fact, he crawled on me while I was lying on the couch, telling me how much he loves me, and how lucky he is to be my husband.
Less than 20 minutes later, we were in bed, trying to sleep, when our cat started going bonkers, base jumping around our room, knocking things off shelves, messing with the blinds, etc. The cat was his before we were married, and I can never catch her. She responds to him better, so I asked him to put her out of the room so we could sleep.
Me-"Can you put cat out? She's knocking things over and I can't sleep"
Husband- (turns lamp on) "aww she wants to be in here with us. You should see her face."
Me- *sigh* "Alright, she can stay for now, but if she starts that again, we have to put her out."
5 minutes later, I go back to sleep,and the cat resumes her base jumping, and I ask him again to put her out, and he tells me to just calm down and go to sleep.
I try, but every time I drift off, I hear a crash, or her batting at window, making the blinds crash against the glass. At this point, I remember that in the past when I haven't been able to sleep because of noises, I turn the small bedside fan on, and the noise drowns out any clatter. So, I roll over to turn it on, as it is just within arms reach of my side of the bed, but, my husband locks his arm around me, and prevents me from rolling over fully, and tells me to "calm down".
I will admit, when he did that, it irritated me, and I sharply said "let go of me! I'm trying to turn the fan on." and he let go.
As I try to flip the fan on, I realize that it has come unplugged, and I said " why is this unplugged?" to no one in particular, just out of confusion, because I use that fan nearly every night, I just hadn't thought to use it at that point, because I wasn't warm.
Husband- "I guess I just did it to piss you off."
Me, moving the dresser to plug in the fan- "Now why would you say that? That wasn't helpful."
I turn around to find him curled in a ball on the far side of a the bed, and I crawled in bed to try to put my arms around him, and he wouldn't let me hold him.
Me- "What's wrong? What did I do?"
*no response*
At that point I realize that husband is shaking, and is laying in the fetal position, with his legs curled up to his chest.
Me- "Husband, what is wrong? Why are you acting like this?"
Husband- " You sound just like my Dad!!!"
Me, completely confused.- "what? Because I asked you to put the cat out? And wondered why the fan was unplugged??"
Husband- "You keep asking me why!!!"
The conversation makes that loop, 3- 4 more times, and I can't get him to say anything else other than, "You're so mean to me!!!"
At that point, I was angry. I told him, "No, you do NOT get to act like a victim in this relationship."
We have had several huge issues come up in the short time that we have been married, including him shoving me against a wall because I wouldn't let him leave the house with the car while he was drunk, answering the personal ads, and finding out that 2 years ago when he sold his best friend a computer, there were photos meant for my husband's eyes only on there, and he didn't wipe the hard drive. Shortly after we were married, his friend confessed to me that he had been masturbating to these photographs for 2 years, and that there were at least a dozen other men who have seen them and done the same. When I told my husband about this, he immediately laughed, and told me I couldn't let it effect his friendship with the guy who told me. I have since had to be around this man, sit next to him at weddings, make him dinner when my husband has invited him over, all of which has offended, and embarrassed me beyond words, especially since the man admitted that those pictures are all he can think about every time he sees me, which my husband knew.
In other words, for my husband to accuse me of being "mean" to him made me extremely angry, and I said " I am so sick of this sh*t", took my pillow and blanket, and went to sleep on the couch.
I laid there for ten minutes, trying to figure out what the hellll just happened, and trying to fall asleep. I drifted off for a moment, and heard a noise, and was immediately terrified. I can't tell you WHY I was scared, but the thought that immediately crossed my mind, was that he was going to hurt me, and I needed to leave.
So, I get up, and go back to the bedroom, get dressed, and pack a bag. In the ten minutes that I have been in the living room, he has not gotten another blanket, or moved from the fetal position that he was in when I left him. He was just laying there, with his hands around his knees, staring straight ahead. While I'm packing, I notice that he is following me with his eyes, and he is starting to cry. So, my heart twinged, and I thought that maybe I could talk to him, and I told him "Look, I am scared. I cannot stay here unless you sit up and talk to me. You have a choice, you can sit up and talk to me like my husband would, or you can lay there and I will go to go to a hotel. Your choice."
He sat up, and told me he wasn't "strong enough" to be with me, that I am too mean to him, and that our marriage was over. He said that the woman he married was never that mean to him, and laid back and started crying, and rolling around on the bed, thrashing around, similar to what you would see a 3 year old do. He thrashed so hard and so long, that the sheets were pulled up off the bed. I asked him for examples, and couldn't give me one, other than saying that I was too angry, and that I am always asking him "why" he has done something, or why he is talking to me in a way that I don't like. He was sobbing, and I tried to put my arms around him to comfort him, saying, "Calm down, I'm not angry anymore, I'm here, I'm just scared and confused, tell me what happened, please."
He calmed down a little bit, after about 10 minutes, and He told me that when I rolled over to turn on the fan, that he thought that I was going to "Hurt his cat". I am absolutely flabbergasted at that accusation, I love his cat, and have never displayed any anger or violence towards her, or any other animal. I don't know why his mind went there, but, admittedly, I don't know why I thought that HE was going to hurt ME either, because he has never been violent towards me, other than him pushing me while he was drunk, one time.
It eventually boiled down to him thinking that I was mad at the cat and at him, and he couldn't handle me being mad...but I wasn't. I was barely even annoyed, because the cat knocking things over is a weekly issue-I'm used to it. I was momentarily upset by him refusing to let me roll over, and him saying that he had unplugged the fan purposely to piss me off. But I never yelled, or accused him of anything, or did anything that I think should point to me being angry at him. I didn't get "mad" until he said that I was mean to him.
I reminded him of what he had said right before we went to bed, about loving me so much, and being so lucky to have me, and asked him what changed. He didn't ever have an answer.
Eventually, he calmed down, and "realized" that he was being irrational, and apologized, and we tried to sleep. Even though he was able to sleep, I was too freaked out still, and went to sleep on the couch.
The next day, when we woke up, he apologized again, and went outside to work on our car, and he returned to "normal"... But I can't get past this yet. I don't know why it happened, or what triggered this meltdown. If I don't know why it happened, then I can't prevent it from happening again, and I, honestly, am still freaked out. I slept on the couch again last night, and, to be honest, I am dreading seeing him after work tonight.
I just don't know what to do. He never did anything like this while we were dating, but this is the 3rd time that something like this has happened in the short time we have been married, but never to this extent. It seems to me that he can't take any criticism or anger, even if the person exhibiting it is completely justified in being angry. One time, it was because I was angry because he used bleach in a load of my brand new clothing, ruining every item in the load. Another time, was because he brought friends over while the house was a mess, and all I did was ask him to make sure the house was presentable before he invited people over. Its completely absurd to me, and I don't know what to do.
So, now, I am desperate. I took my vows very seriously, and when I vowed for better or worse, in sickness and in health, I meant it, and I intend to honor those vows. I believe that something has happened with his mind, maybe it's just now showing up, maybe I just never saw it before, but I don't believe a rational human being would react in that way. I don't consider a mental sickness to be any different than a physical illness, and I fully intend to stay by his side unless it becomes unsafe for me to do so, but I don't know what to do.
So, to everyone here, what would you think happened? Do you think maybe he is bipolar and I've just missed it all these years? Was he just tired, and would your husbands have reacted similarly? He does not have a history of abuse, his father was very stern and strict, but he never beat the kids, and my husband has a great relationship with both of his parents. Does anyone know if its possible for people to just go crazy for no apparent reason? The only traumatic thing that I can think of that he has gone through, is that a close friend of his died suddenly before we were married, but I don't understand why it would lead to sensitivity to criticism. I just...I don't understand it, and beyond getting him committed against his will, I don't know what to do.
If ANYONE has any advice, I would appreciate it more than you know. I realize that this is not etiquette related, but I have lurked on this board for over a year, and the women here seem to give the most sane advice. Thanks in advance.