To Register or Not to Register

Peatbrownie · January 2013

My FI and I have both been living on our own for years now and living together for about a year as well. We feel that we have everything we need and, frankly, don't really have enough space to add any more stuff. We have talked about it and would like to have people donate to our favorite charities and animal shelters if they feel the need to give something. My mom thinks that we should register anyway as people like to give the bride and groom actual things. Is it somehow a breech of etiquitte to NOT register?

Calypso1977 · January 2013

we did not register.
word spread discreetly that we'd prefer cash or gift cards to home depot as we had just bought a house and already had everything we needd.

i did not get all of the "vases and picture frames" that people on here will tell you that you'll get if you do not register.

we got 4 tangible gifts, the rest were cash and gift cards. it worked well. if you dont need anything, dont register.

id decline showers if you dont register as well.

but i agree with a PP that you shouldnt ask people to donate.

loca4pook · January 2013

IT's not rude to NOT register, but be prepared to get crazy gifts you might potentially hate People will still give gifts if you have a shower. You are much better registering to get things you like, at least. Perhaps upgrading your current ihousehold items to higher quality ones and donating your current household items to salvation army or something to at least feel like you are doing something sweet for a charity.

You can't ask them to donate to a charity, it's considered rude.

Maggie0829 · January 2013

It is perfectly fine to not register. Yes it is true that people would rather give you an actual gift then cash but even if you don't register these people will still by you a physical item.

As for the donating to charity. This is a no-no. Some people are very particular about their charities. If after your wedding you feel that you want to take the gifts you were given and donate them to a good cause that is your call because they are now your things but you shouldn't ask people to make donations to causes that they may or may not supporte in lieu of you having a registry.

Also, just know that if you do not register then you should really not have a bridal shower.

Maggie0829 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_to-register-or-not-to-register-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:70f810d8-0533-47fc-a657-c54becad0e6cPost:f2ff5439-3539-46ad-8b96-366eba7d1e7c">Re: To Register or Not to Register</a>:
[QUOTE]we did not register. word spread discreetly that we'd prefer cash or gift cards to home depot as we had just bought a house and already had everything we needd. i did not get all of the "vases and picture frames" that people on here will tell you that you'll get if you do not register. we got 4 tangible gifts, the rest were cash and gift cards. it worked well. if you dont need anything, dont register. id decline showers if you dont register as well. but i agree with a PP that you shouldnt ask people to donate.
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

H and I registered. If you don't count the bridal shower we received only 3 items from our registry on our wedding day. So really the fact of registering or not registering is a moot point because people who want to buy you a tangible item will no matter what. Most people realize that for a wedding it is easier and more likely appreciated by the couple to give a check, gift card, or cash.

AddieCake · January 2013

We registered and still got a few things NOT on the registry as well as several gift cards to restaurants. People are going to give you what they want to, with or without a registry. Definitely do not ask people to donate to a charity in lieu of giving you a gift.

loca4pook · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_to-register-or-not-to-register-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:70f810d8-0533-47fc-a657-c54becad0e6cPost:3af855a8-4104-408f-a809-4022db81706d">Re: To Register or Not to Register</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: To Register or Not to Register : <strong>H and I registered. If you don't count the bridal shower we received only 3 items from our registry on our wedding day</strong>. So really the fact of registering or not registering is a moot point because people who want to buy you a tangible item will no matter what. Most people realize that for a wedding it is easier and more likely appreciated by the couple to give a check, gift card, or cash.
Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]

I think people tend to give GIFTS for the shower, so I do think it should count because that is when not having a registry becomes more problematic. People usualyly prefer to give gifts at a shower, so not having a registry might increase the chance you will get random stuff you don't need or like.

Most people I know (though, this is definitely regional from what I hear) receive way more cash than gifts at the actual wedding itself

allispain · January 2013

Etiquette posts I've read elsewhere tend to encourage brides to always register for at least a few things, to help out those people who really want to get you something tangible. However, I think it's also perfectly fine to have a good friend or a family member quietly spread the word that the only gift you want is for your guests to celebrate your wedding with you.

Maggie0829 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_to-register-or-not-to-register-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:70f810d8-0533-47fc-a657-c54becad0e6cPost:5966bcaa-91ae-4d5f-8181-7230a1c5da3d">Re: To Register or Not to Register</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: To Register or Not to Register : I think people tend to give GIFTS for the shower, so I do think it should count because that is when not having a registry becomes more problematic. People usualyly prefer to give gifts at a shower, so not having a registry might increase the chance you will get random stuff you don't need or like. Most people I know (though, this is definitely regional from what I hear) receive way more cash than gifts at the actual wedding itself
Posted by loca4pook[/QUOTE]

I said in my first post that if the OP decides to not register then she should refrain from a having a shower.

I was merely pointing out that even if you register or not you will still end up with tangible gifts at your wedding. I was just stating that we registered and received 3 gifts at the wedding, while others who don't register still end up with some tangible gifts.

The people who like to purchase actual gifts will always purchase gifts no matter what.

Peatbrownie · January 2013

Thanks for the advice and I will certainly be putting a lot of thought into whether or not we register. I honestly don't understand why it would be considered rude to suggest charities we support as an alternative to gifts for those people who are looking for a registry. Could someone please explain the reasoning behind that?

AddieCake · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_to-register-or-not-to-register-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:70f810d8-0533-47fc-a657-c54becad0e6cPost:e428cd2e-2f11-40fd-b741-7f85e7c2b174">Re: To Register or Not to Register</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for the advice and I will certainly be putting a lot of thought into whether or not we register. I honestly don't understand why it would be considered rude to suggest charities we support as an alternative to gifts for those people who are looking for a registry. Could someone please explain the reasoning behind that?
Posted by Peatbrownie[/QUOTE]

<div>It's telling people what to do with their money. If I want to donate to a charity, I'm going to do that, regardless of whether or not I also have a wedding gift to buy for someone. And just because you support a certain charity doesn't mean I do, so for you to suggest I give money to ABC charity when I don't support it, isn't cool. </div>

Peatbrownie · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_to-register-or-not-to-register-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:70f810d8-0533-47fc-a657-c54becad0e6cPost:92a3be30-e1a5-421f-9fd4-4c04ec3f1867">Re: To Register or Not to Register</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: To Register or Not to Register : It's telling people what to do with their money. If I want to donate to a charity, I'm going to do that, regardless of whether or not I also have a wedding gift to buy for someone. And just because you support a certain charity doesn't mean I do, so for you to suggest I give money to ABC charity when I don't support it, isn't cool.
Posted by AddieL73[/QUOTE]

<div>If its telling people what to do with their money, that's what a registry is doing in the first place; you're telling peole what gifts to buy. Donating to a charity rather than giving someone things that they neither need nor want is a gift. I can see your point about some specific charities. Asking a Jewish or Muslim person to donate to a Christian charity I would consider to be rude. Suggesting the American Cancer Society or the local no-kill animal shelter? You may not actively support them yourself, but if you're donating in the name of the couple getting married I don't see the rudeness in suggesting a reputable secular charity. What I am hearing from this thread is that its OK to ask for money or stuff for myself, even if I don't need it, but its not OK to suggest that that same money be given to people who need it more.</div>

loca4pook · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_to-register-or-not-to-register-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:70f810d8-0533-47fc-a657-c54becad0e6cPost:71caab2f-c6e2-43c0-b151-bb1753337c45">Re: To Register or Not to Register</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: To Register or Not to Register : If its telling people what to do with their money, that's what a registry is doing in the first place; you're telling peole what gifts to buy. Donating to a charity rather than giving someone things that they neither need nor want is a gift. I can see your point about some specific charities. Asking a Jewish or Muslim person to donate to a Christian charity I would consider to be rude. Suggesting the American Cancer Society or the local no-kill animal shelter? You may not actively support them yourself, but if you're donating in the name of the couple getting married I don't see the rudeness in suggesting a reputable secular charity. <strong>What I am hearing from this thread is that its OK to ask for money or stuff for myself, even if I don't need it, but its not OK to suggest that that same money be given to people who need it more.
</strong>Posted by Peatbrownie[/QUOTE]

In the end, people here are just giving suggestions. You can choose to take the advice or not. It will be up to you whether you are willing to risk having people upset with you. People here were just giving a heads up that previous brides have gotten slack over the charity thing. You don't seem to like our advice, so you are free to not take it.

Some people ARE very particular about charities because even some secular charities are known to distribute their money in ways people aren't comfortable with. Some pay administrators large salaries making the donations not go to the "needy" 100%.. Others personally would not feel comfortable with animal shelters when there are millions of humans suffering world wide. see my point?

If you feel so strongly, sign up for a registry and donate all the household goods to a place like Ronald Mcdonald house, homeless shelter, woman's shelter, etc.....Those place would always appreciate brand new cooking supplies. It might be the best of both worlds....

hoffse · January 2013

OP, I wouldn't donate to the American Cancer Society as a guest - not that it's a bad organization or anything, but that's not a cause I want to give money to because I feel that waaaaay too much of the donated money goes to overhead (about 40% of donated funds go to overhead). FI and I donate to charities (usually Catholic ones) that use more than 90% of the money donated directly for their programs. That's our criteria - we do not donate to charities (Catholic or not) that use less than this for their stated mission. Given a limited budget in life, those are the charities we choose to prioritize.

There's also an AW factor in all this - asking guests to donate to a particular charity sort of makes it look like you're trying to show off how generous you are or whatever. Personally, as a wedding guest I prefer to give a gift directly to the bride or groom. It's your wedding, it's your event, it's not a moment for the ACS or any other charity out there.

If you want to do something nice for a charity, you may donate cash gifts you receive personally and PRIVATELY without making it thing. I would absolutely not tell guests that you donated their gift, by the way - that can really offend people. However, once it is in your hands, it is your money and it's your business. Or register for new linens and donate your old towels, sheets, etc. to those animal shelters you mentioned. There are ways for YOU to donate - you do not need to ask your guests to do it for you.

Peatbrownie · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_to-register-or-not-to-register-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:70f810d8-0533-47fc-a657-c54becad0e6cPost:4048ea1c-1186-45e8-9841-72192a6bf361">Re: To Register or Not to Register</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: To Register or Not to Register : In the end, people here are just giving suggestions. You can choose to take the advice or not. It will be up to you whether you are willing to risk having people upset with you. <strong>People here were just giving a heads up that previous brides have gotten slack over the charity thing</strong>. You don't seem to like our advice, so you are free to not take it. Some people ARE very particular about charities because even some secular charities are known to distribute their money in ways people aren't comfortable with. Some pay administrators large salaries making the donations not go to the "needy" 100%.. Others personally would not feel comfortable with animal shelters when there are millions of humans suffering world wide. see my point? If you feel so strongly, sign up for a registry and donate all the household goods to a place like Ronald Mcdonald house, homeless shelter, woman's shelter, etc.....Those place would always appreciate brand new cooking supplies. It might be the best of both worlds....
Posted by loca4pook[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>I don't recall a single person on this thread actually talking about specific example where a bride was given a hard time over suggesting charities rather than registering for gifts for herself. I'm not trying to come across as holier-than-thou to anyone. If I was just starting out or if I wasn't in the place I am financially I would certainly be registering. Helping new couples get started with quailty stuff is the whole reason behind giving gifts at weddings in the first place. I am trying to understand a different point of view than what I had considered before and there have been a number of good points made by several of the responders - your Ronald house suggestion for one. </div>

Peatbrownie · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_to-register-or-not-to-register-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:70f810d8-0533-47fc-a657-c54becad0e6cPost:f62f1b9f-6ded-4b91-a0ab-d914cffd60e2">Re: To Register or Not to Register</a>:
[QUOTE]OP, I wouldn't donate to the American Cancer Society as a guest - not that it's a bad organization or anything, but that's not a cause I want to give money to because I feel that waaaaay too much of the donated money goes to overhead (about 40% of donated funds go to overhead). FI and I donate to charities (usually Catholic ones) that use more than 90% of the money donated directly for their programs. That's our criteria - we do not donate to charities (Catholic or not) that use less than this for their stated mission. Given a limited budget in life, those are the charities we choose to prioritize. There's also an AW factor in all this - asking guests to donate to a particular charity sort of makes it look like you're trying to show off how generous you are or whatever. Personally, as a wedding guest I prefer to give a gift directly to the bride or groom. It's your wedding, it's your event, it's not a moment for the ACS or any other charity out there. If you want to do something nice for a charity, you may donate cash gifts you receive personally and PRIVATELY without making it thing. I would absolutely not tell guests that you donated their gift, by the way - that can really offend people. However, once it is in your hands, it is your money and it's your business. Or register for new linens and donate your old towels, sheets, etc. to those animal shelters you mentioned. There are ways for YOU to donate - you do not need to ask your guests to do it for you.
Posted by hoffse[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Those are some pretty good criteria for charitable giving. I certainly agree that telling guests after the fact that you have donated something they gave you for a wedding is pretty rude. I also agree that if we were to have some sort of major announcement saying "NO GIFTS, DONATE INSTEAD" it would come across as holier than thou. I do disagree that responding to requests for a registry with something along the lines of "we have everything we need so no gifts are necessary. If you really want to give something please give to a charity; here are a few we personally support" automatically comes across that way.

</div>

beardo1111 · January 2013

F and I were recently invited to a wedding where, on the wedding website, the couple asked that in lieu of gifts that people view their charity registery. There were four different chartities listed (one was literacy in India, one was for something dealing with the environment, one was something about wildlife, I don't remember the other one) and people could choose the amount to donate and which charity or charities their donation went to. It was phrased by the couple as a suggestion to view the charity registery, but they didn't explicitly say no gifts or anything like that.

I thought that was a perfectly nice way of doing it and definitely didn't feel offended. We chose the one we liked most and donated to that one. The couple is rather wealthy and I actually preferred to donate to a charity in their case just because I knew they didn't really need the money or any gifts. That said, if they'd done a conventional registery, I would have done something off that and it would have been fine as well.

To Register or Not to Register

Re: To Register or Not to Register

Choose Another Board

Search Boards